I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Doing okay. I’m back at work today after the long weekend and been in a bit in a sour mood this morning. I got to sleep last night, and every minor inconvenience today has made me irrationally upset. I don’t think I’m taking it out on anyone, but I hear my own internal monologue stewing over things that really aren’t a big deal. It’s the tiredness. Also I notice myself being triggered by minor stimuli: noticing good-looking women and staring at them, or finding suggestive content online. I recognize this pattern and I know where it often leads, so I’m attempting to call it out and notice it beforehand. Really today’s not a bad day. The work day is already more than halfway over with and it’s been light so far, and I can go home and relax for the rest of the day if I want, maybe get to bed a little earlier tonight. And it’s a short week! Let’s hear it for everyday gratitude.

Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 3.

 

[jonazo91]

I recognize this pattern and I know where it often leads, so I’m attempting to call it out and notice it beforehand.

Well, I did it anyway. I was correct to see the signs but with ten minutes left in my work day, I was bored and idle enough to give in to my urges. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I’m frustrated with how predictable I am. Using porn feels like a thrill-seeking behavior, but it’s so samey and predictable. Is the same images and all the same parts of the brain lighting up every time. I knew I would regret it but I still wanted it more than I wanted not to have regrets today. But all I can do is keep going.

Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I had a therapy appointment this morning, which went okay, but for some reason I found myself having urges to relapse once again after the session, and I did a few hours ago. I felt conflicted about it, like maybe I had it in me to snap out of it, because it wasn't feeling as "fun" as it sometimes does (as far as that goes). But I stubbornly went through with it. I'm trying to mull over some of the ideas we went over in therapy today, which were interesting, and for what it's worth, did take some of the "fun" out of my porn session earlier, and maybe also some of the "sting" out of the feeling afterward. Instead I feel more in observant mode still rather than shameful mode. I don't want to look at porn anymore. But I understand why I sometimes still gravitate toward it. I'm trying to accept who I am, which feels like "giving up" but I am not giving up. I AM trying to "let go" of the cycle, which means letting go of the intense shame feeling after a relapse. So here we are, it's day 0, I screwed up today and I fell short. But I'm alive and trying again. I'm trying to observe my mental state as if from "above." I could feel better! I could have done a lot better today. I feel slightly defeated. But only in the short term.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed again today. It was at work. The day was as slow as could be and I was bored. Once again I feel the regret now in my mood but it wasn’t enough to stop me beforehand. I’m very very tired of the cycle of watching porn and then feeling bad about it after. I’m somewhat at a loss for words right now because there’s not much new I can say. I’m here because there’s no sense in not reporting my relapses as they happen, it’s the best course of action I have right now. I don’t want this to just be a relapse journal; I was hoping to come on here today and report 2 clean days and working on a third. But I guess I had other plans in mind. I will never give up and I will get better. With that in mind, I can find some faint solace. But I didn’t put my best foot forward today.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.

 

[CloseToToast]

Sorry to see that you are struggling Jonaz. You are right though that coming here and being accountable isnt nothing. It is the first step to own it and figure out how to move forward.

What have you tried differently so far? I apologize i dont have the current moment to look back through previous pages. What else beyond therapy are you doing for you, your life, etc that is different than your usual?

 

[jonazo91]

Sorry to see that you are struggling Jonaz. You are right though that coming here and being accountable isnt nothing. It is the first step to own it and figure out how to move forward.

What have you tried differently so far? I apologize i dont have the current moment to look back through previous pages. What else beyond therapy are you doing for you, your life, etc that is different than your usual?

Truthfully I’ve been lazy lately, just low energy. I haven’t been exercising or getting decent sleep. I need to start getting better at keeping to routines.



Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 2.

 

[CloseToToast]

Grats on Day 2 jonazo91! one day free is better than no days free dont discount that win! I get that low energy lull. This is your moment though to change that but start with something very small. dont consistently drink water? challenge yourself to tracking and drinking 4 glassses of water today. not exercising? take a 15 minute walk on lunch break (if you work etc today), call someone you've been meaning to. Examples like this have been the only way i have ever begun to move forward myself.

I hope that you find success today

 

[jonazo91]

Another slip up today. Some predictable triggers, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and had some added stress today (even though everything worked out fine). I need to start working on ironing out an exercise routine and a sleep schedule I can stick to. I need to get myself up to a higher baseline level of competence. These predictable pitfalls I fall into, related to inability to handle added stress because I’m too tired and lacking energy, these can’t be excuses forever in fact they’re already getting quite tired.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Hi, hanging in there after 2 whole days, woo! I’m still annoyed with how lazy I’ve been. I need to make it a priority in my life to get consistent exercise but I can’t seem to make the first move toward it and get off my ass. I did make an effort to get to bed at a half decent hour last night, which I think I can tell has helped me feel slightly more human this morning. Mondays have been a problem for me lately so I’m trying to just notice my mood and my mental state without giving it too much judgment or anxiety. So far I feel, okay. Which is good. I want to focus on putting in a good work day at work and then take it from there.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 0
Day 3.

 

[jonazo91]

Didn’t get as much sleep last night as I should have. Today is an incredibly slow day at work. After work I have an HOA meeting that promises to be stressful. Perfect cocktail for me to want to start looking at risqué material, just to feel something. For now though, I’m just trying to play it cool and weather it out. Only a few more hours at work. I have a virtual therapy appointment tomorrow morning that I’m a little worried about too because it’s my first virtual one and I’m gonna have to figure out how to do it privately while my wife is at home too. But other than that, trying to just live in the moment and make the best decision for the moment I find myself in. So I’m here so I keep up my journaling schedule.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 0
Day 4.

 

[jonazo91]

I made it about 2 1/2 hours past this post. And then I basically said, “fuck it!” It was relatively soft material, and it wasn’t an overly long session. I’m uncomfortable with taking credit for “failing but not as bad as I could have failed.” But I’m trying to err on the side of giving myself grace rather than punishing myself. But it still feels wrong. I don’t want to be attached to this stuff even a little bit. Do I dare see progress in “failing but not as bad”? I don’t want to. But I’ll try anything if it helps. I just don’t want to make excuses for myself. The goal remains the same. Frankly I don’t even want to fantasize about women beyond what is completely uncontrollable. But it’s a process. Gradual progress, or one step forward two steps back? I need patience. But also I need to not BS myself. So here we are. With almost no time left in my work day I started peeking at risqué YouTube videos and it led to a PMO. Those are the facts. I’m getting back on the horse right now.

Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I really blew it yesterday. I don't know if I have it in me to make a long post about it, because I still feel drained emotionally and physically from it. I was working from home, which is often a trigger scenario for me, especially if the day is slow, which it was. I was actually doing pretty well throughout most of the day but then right near the end of my work day a bunch of things came in that were going to have me work late, and I just kind of snapped and decided I "deserve" some porn to get me through the rest of this night. So I just jumped in head-first, and edged for a few hours while peeking at more and more porn throughout the day. My work suffered, my mood suffered, and my attitude toward my wife suffered. She must have noticed how much of a zombie human I had become all of a sudden.

I finally O'd and then just felt ultimately drained. Not even quite miserable. Just, bleh. I stayed up late just because going to bed felt like another chore, and I mindlessly scrolled through my phone for a few hours. I even nearly re-relapsed, but decided it wasn't what I wanted to do and I finally went to bed around 2:45 AM.

Today is a new day. I'm working from home again, and all I can do is try my best and get back on my feet. There is nothing to do at work right now but I have to sit in front of this computer in case work does come in. The computer, unlike my phone and obviously unlike the computer in my office, doesn't have any sort of porn-blockers, which is why it's a triggering situation for me to work from home. But only I can decide how my day goes. This time yesterday I was doing great, feeling okay, having some energy, reading during my downtime at work. Today I feel drained and my mood is dampened by memories of my behavior (and images of what I looked at flashing through my head). But I'm alive, and if you're alive you have the capacity to change your situation. I'm trying to just take it one moment at a time. We are okay. I am in the driver's seat. I am in control.

Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Very bad start to this week, starting Saturday night into Sunday morning when I stayed up obsess over porn. Yesterday I did some peeking without touching, but then eventually decided to MO without looking at anything to try and calm myself down. Well then last night, I found myself once again obsessing while trying to fall asleep, and eventually my mind began racing about all kinds of regrets and worries and anxieties. I got out of bed and thought maybe to MO without using any porn. Eventually I settled on some text-based erotica to feel a little better about myself. But then today at work, I’ve PMO twice in the course of 6 hours. Go figure, the obsessiveness isn’t cured by giving into it. I think I know this already. I just have to let go and accept. What has happened has happened. I need to fully accept it and let it be and move on. I need to give myself a chance.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 4
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

This has been a bad week, worse than I’ve had in a while, in terms of porn usage. I had sex with my wife on Wednesday and it was good actually, but then yesterday and today I went right back to porn. Yesterday I looked at porn in the bathroom at work and then hoped she wouldn’t be in the mood again when I got home because I didn’t think I’d be ready. And then I did the same thing today.

That all having been said, I’m really trying to focus right now on not letting my porn use dictate my mental state. The time to agonize over it was while I was still in the middle of my lapse. I’m trying to accept what I’ve already done and live with it, because I can’t change the past. I’ve done plenty of agonizing and beating myself up for my porn use, but it didn’t help. So I’m focusing on regulating my emotional state and getting back to neutral, so I can focus on what to do next. The tough part is that the other part of this equation is honesty. I need to start being more open with my wife about where I am, and how my recovery is going (or not going). She won’t leave me because I’m not perfect. The only way I harm this relationship is by leading a double life and hiding my activities from her.

I feel okay. Mostly I feel guilty. Guilt is hard. Shame is kind of a selfish, fetishistic “I’m such a loser” feeling. I don’t need that. I’m not a loser. Guilt is “man, I’ve done something bad and I need to take accountability for it.” That’s a good feeling because it’s the truth. But it requires action. But there’s no use obsessing or dwelling in misery. At this point I know a lot of my brain’s patterns. I shouldn’t be surprised at myself or drag myself through the mud. Just be prepared next time.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 6
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

No major porn use since Friday. On my phone, I sprung for a paid version of the blocker so I can block apps as well as websites, and so now I can't access Reddit on my phone anymore, which is fantastic. I still have a computer at home with unlimited access, but the reality is that I can never shut myself out from every single way to access porn. But the blockers making the barrier to entry much higher is still a huge help.

The other thing is youtube. It's probably my largest internet weakness in general. Not everything on youtube is bad though, and some of the youtube channels I watch sometimes weren't accessible when I put the most restricting version of the blocker on it (not because of nudity, but just because of swearing, etc. The blocker was made with kids in mind). Long story short, I have uncensored youtube on my phone, and youtube is full of soft porn these days unfortunately. Easy enough to avoid, until I don't WANT to avoid it. A few times over the past few days I've peeked at naughty content on youtube, but only for a few seconds before closing it. But still. I thought to myself it's like I was "microdosing porn."

I had another session with my therapist yesterday. I think it's going well but it's on me to take what we talk about and actually act on it.

Porn last week: 6
Porn this week: 0
Day 4.

 

[jonazo91]

Well, with softcore YouTube stuff being the only thing I can get on my phone, unfortunately I gave in and used it this morning. I went to bed last night with some urges and before bed I was peeking at some stuff on YouTube. I think I had a nocturnal emission last night (the dream involved my wife, which I guess is good?) but then I still woke up this morning after a bad and too short sleep with urges, and I kept on peeking at YouTube content until I gave in this morning and MO’d in the bathroom at work. That sucks. There were some obvious, avoidable things that led to it, especially my getting to bed too late and not having better phone usage discipline this morning. I need to really limit my phone usage overall, not only to avoid sexual material but because it’s full of bad directions that are bad for my attention span. I still have a lot of this day ahead of me and I intend not to chalk up the whole day as a total loss. I still have a lot of time to be productive and work toward my goals. I think later today I will try to physically write down my goals, in the short term, middle term and long term. These include:

-getting back to a consistent habit of playing my violin
-getting back into a consistent workout schedule
-limiting my screen time
-making plans to socialize

And others as they come to me.

This was a bad way to start my day. But one of the worst things about using porn is the way it tends to sap my motivation and drive to get things done in my day and my life overall, so I just have to not let myself become demotivated.


Porn last week: 6
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Something I have found helpful is choosing one small goal and doing that for a week and extending it further to a month. It has given me a sense of heading in the right direction and eventually I could 'compound' other positive habits from it (I got that from Atomic Habits which I highly recommend of you haven't read it). Like I could count the day as a success if I made the bed; then the week, and the month. The feeling of ticking that box at the end of the day has given me something wholesome to work with in the chaos of all areas in which I think I am fucking up.

All the best.

 

[jonazo91]

Something I have found helpful is choosing one small goal and doing that for a week and extending it further to a month. It has given me a sense of heading in the right direction and eventually I could 'compound' other positive habits from it (I got that from Atomic Habits which I highly recommend of you haven't read it). Like I could count the day as a success if I made the bed; then the week, and the month. The feeling of ticking that box at the end of the day has given me something wholesome to work with in the chaos of all areas in which I think I am fucking up.

All the best.

I’ve been recommended this book at least twice on this forum and also a real life coworker recommended it recently. I have taken the hint and ordered it from eBay. I’m excited to open it up and get some good ideas!

Today I got a good performance review and a raise and slight promotion at work, and I finally exercised again after a very long break. I feel good. I guess the key is, not to swing too high in the other direction and coast too much on the high of a good day. This was a good day, but it’s time to follow it with a bunch of days that are just about as good until this becomes the new normal. And then set a higher standard for what is a “good” day.

Porn last week: 6
Porn this week: 1
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Not half an hour after posting this I was watching porn. And then again today, at the end of my work shift. Evidently I’m reacting emotionally to stuff in my life but I’m trying to numb it with porn. I’m going through a lot of changes right now, some for the better. But I’m afraid of responsibility and afraid I’m not worthy, maybe morally not worthy. I don’t know.

I am trying my best to stay focused.


Porn last week: 6
Porn this week: 3
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Another tryst with softcore YouTube material today at work. Some obvious triggers, like boredom and lack of adequate sleep.

My therapist tasked me with writing down my vision of what kind of person I want to be so I’m going to try that. I have nothing but downtime at work today and I need to do something worthwhile with it.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.