I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Doing okay. I’m back at work today after the long weekend and been in a bit in a sour mood this morning. I got to sleep last night, and every minor inconvenience today has made me irrationally upset. I don’t think I’m taking it out on anyone, but I hear my own internal monologue stewing over things that really aren’t a big deal. It’s the tiredness. Also I notice myself being triggered by minor stimuli: noticing good-looking women and staring at them, or finding suggestive content online. I recognize this pattern and I know where it often leads, so I’m attempting to call it out and notice it beforehand. Really today’s not a bad day. The work day is already more than halfway over with and it’s been light so far, and I can go home and relax for the rest of the day if I want, maybe get to bed a little earlier tonight. And it’s a short week! Let’s hear it for everyday gratitude.

Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 3.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I recognize this pattern and I know where it often leads, so I’m attempting to call it out and notice it beforehand.

Well, I did it anyway. I was correct to see the signs but with ten minutes left in my work day, I was bored and idle enough to give in to my urges. I’m disappointed and ashamed. I’m frustrated with how predictable I am. Using porn feels like a thrill-seeking behavior, but it’s so samey and predictable. Is the same images and all the same parts of the brain lighting up every time. I knew I would regret it but I still wanted it more than I wanted not to have regrets today. But all I can do is keep going.

Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had a therapy appointment this morning, which went okay, but for some reason I found myself having urges to relapse once again after the session, and I did a few hours ago. I felt conflicted about it, like maybe I had it in me to snap out of it, because it wasn't feeling as "fun" as it sometimes does (as far as that goes). But I stubbornly went through with it. I'm trying to mull over some of the ideas we went over in therapy today, which were interesting, and for what it's worth, did take some of the "fun" out of my porn session earlier, and maybe also some of the "sting" out of the feeling afterward. Instead I feel more in observant mode still rather than shameful mode. I don't want to look at porn anymore. But I understand why I sometimes still gravitate toward it. I'm trying to accept who I am, which feels like "giving up" but I am not giving up. I AM trying to "let go" of the cycle, which means letting go of the intense shame feeling after a relapse. So here we are, it's day 0, I screwed up today and I fell short. But I'm alive and trying again. I'm trying to observe my mental state as if from "above." I could feel better! I could have done a lot better today. I feel slightly defeated. But only in the short term.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I relapsed again today. It was at work. The day was as slow as could be and I was bored. Once again I feel the regret now in my mood but it wasn’t enough to stop me beforehand. I’m very very tired of the cycle of watching porn and then feeling bad about it after. I’m somewhat at a loss for words right now because there’s not much new I can say. I’m here because there’s no sense in not reporting my relapses as they happen, it’s the best course of action I have right now. I don’t want this to just be a relapse journal; I was hoping to come on here today and report 2 clean days and working on a third. But I guess I had other plans in mind. I will never give up and I will get better. With that in mind, I can find some faint solace. But I didn’t put my best foot forward today.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.
 

CloseToToast

Active Member
Sorry to see that you are struggling Jonaz. You are right though that coming here and being accountable isnt nothing. It is the first step to own it and figure out how to move forward.

What have you tried differently so far? I apologize i dont have the current moment to look back through previous pages. What else beyond therapy are you doing for you, your life, etc that is different than your usual?
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Sorry to see that you are struggling Jonaz. You are right though that coming here and being accountable isnt nothing. It is the first step to own it and figure out how to move forward.

What have you tried differently so far? I apologize i dont have the current moment to look back through previous pages. What else beyond therapy are you doing for you, your life, etc that is different than your usual?
Truthfully I’ve been lazy lately, just low energy. I haven’t been exercising or getting decent sleep. I need to start getting better at keeping to routines.



Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 2.
 

CloseToToast

Active Member
Grats on Day 2 jonazo91! one day free is better than no days free dont discount that win! I get that low energy lull. This is your moment though to change that but start with something very small. dont consistently drink water? challenge yourself to tracking and drinking 4 glassses of water today. not exercising? take a 15 minute walk on lunch break (if you work etc today), call someone you've been meaning to. Examples like this have been the only way i have ever begun to move forward myself.

I hope that you find success today
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Another slip up today. Some predictable triggers, I didn’t get enough sleep last night and had some added stress today (even though everything worked out fine). I need to start working on ironing out an exercise routine and a sleep schedule I can stick to. I need to get myself up to a higher baseline level of competence. These predictable pitfalls I fall into, related to inability to handle added stress because I’m too tired and lacking energy, these can’t be excuses forever in fact they’re already getting quite tired.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Hi, hanging in there after 2 whole days, woo! I’m still annoyed with how lazy I’ve been. I need to make it a priority in my life to get consistent exercise but I can’t seem to make the first move toward it and get off my ass. I did make an effort to get to bed at a half decent hour last night, which I think I can tell has helped me feel slightly more human this morning. Mondays have been a problem for me lately so I’m trying to just notice my mood and my mental state without giving it too much judgment or anxiety. So far I feel, okay. Which is good. I want to focus on putting in a good work day at work and then take it from there.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 0
Day 3.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Didn’t get as much sleep last night as I should have. Today is an incredibly slow day at work. After work I have an HOA meeting that promises to be stressful. Perfect cocktail for me to want to start looking at risqué material, just to feel something. For now though, I’m just trying to play it cool and weather it out. Only a few more hours at work. I have a virtual therapy appointment tomorrow morning that I’m a little worried about too because it’s my first virtual one and I’m gonna have to figure out how to do it privately while my wife is at home too. But other than that, trying to just live in the moment and make the best decision for the moment I find myself in. So I’m here so I keep up my journaling schedule.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 0
Day 4.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I made it about 2 1/2 hours past this post. And then I basically said, “fuck it!” It was relatively soft material, and it wasn’t an overly long session. I’m uncomfortable with taking credit for “failing but not as bad as I could have failed.” But I’m trying to err on the side of giving myself grace rather than punishing myself. But it still feels wrong. I don’t want to be attached to this stuff even a little bit. Do I dare see progress in “failing but not as bad”? I don’t want to. But I’ll try anything if it helps. I just don’t want to make excuses for myself. The goal remains the same. Frankly I don’t even want to fantasize about women beyond what is completely uncontrollable. But it’s a process. Gradual progress, or one step forward two steps back? I need patience. But also I need to not BS myself. So here we are. With almost no time left in my work day I started peeking at risqué YouTube videos and it led to a PMO. Those are the facts. I’m getting back on the horse right now.

Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I really blew it yesterday. I don't know if I have it in me to make a long post about it, because I still feel drained emotionally and physically from it. I was working from home, which is often a trigger scenario for me, especially if the day is slow, which it was. I was actually doing pretty well throughout most of the day but then right near the end of my work day a bunch of things came in that were going to have me work late, and I just kind of snapped and decided I "deserve" some porn to get me through the rest of this night. So I just jumped in head-first, and edged for a few hours while peeking at more and more porn throughout the day. My work suffered, my mood suffered, and my attitude toward my wife suffered. She must have noticed how much of a zombie human I had become all of a sudden.

I finally O'd and then just felt ultimately drained. Not even quite miserable. Just, bleh. I stayed up late just because going to bed felt like another chore, and I mindlessly scrolled through my phone for a few hours. I even nearly re-relapsed, but decided it wasn't what I wanted to do and I finally went to bed around 2:45 AM.

Today is a new day. I'm working from home again, and all I can do is try my best and get back on my feet. There is nothing to do at work right now but I have to sit in front of this computer in case work does come in. The computer, unlike my phone and obviously unlike the computer in my office, doesn't have any sort of porn-blockers, which is why it's a triggering situation for me to work from home. But only I can decide how my day goes. This time yesterday I was doing great, feeling okay, having some energy, reading during my downtime at work. Today I feel drained and my mood is dampened by memories of my behavior (and images of what I looked at flashing through my head). But I'm alive, and if you're alive you have the capacity to change your situation. I'm trying to just take it one moment at a time. We are okay. I am in the driver's seat. I am in control.

Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 1.
 
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