I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

I did write down some stuff yesterday and that was a good exercise. Just for instance, I wrote down my goal of watching what I eat and exercising regularly, and it makes it feel like a more “real” goal because I wrote it down.

I was feeling better about today, but then unfortunately right at the end of my work day I once again gave in and looked at stuff on YouTube and MOd in the bathroom before leaving work much later than I needed to. I texted my wife that I would be late getting home and she just now jokingly responded “are you cheating on me?” I feel the pang of guilt now. It IS cheating in a way, and maybe she can feel that, regardless of how “okay with it” she tells me she is. Damn.

One of the core values I wrote down as a goal for myself yesterday is “honest. It’s one of the hardest things for me to get around, the hiding of my behavior. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. No one expects me to be perfect. I’m afraid to show weakness, I guess, but that fear is maybe my main weakness.

I will work out tonight. I will get back on my stride and do what I need to do. But I need to be more vulnerable and honest. For some reason that’s the hardest thing.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Had a wonderful day yesterday with family for the 4th. Today, was back at work from home although there’s almost no work to do. So I started looking at porn. I went back and forth with myself for a while. But I do this thing where instead of closing the tab, I just click away from it for a while as I try to talk myself out of it. I need to cut it out as soon as it starts and definitely step away.

I’ve started reading Atomic Habits and I like it a lot so far.




Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 3
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I went out of control this weekend. My home computer doesn’t have any blockers on it and I was in it a lot for work, and I used the excuse to act out three times since yesterday. I’m trying to just keep moving forward. I did exercise yesterday as well. I’m trying to celebrate small victories while focusing on the big picture. And I really need to keep reading Atomic Habits because I’ve really liked what it has to say so far. I’m not going to fix my system in a day. But I can work on it and make improvements to it constantly, even on days when I don’t have all my motivation. I don’t need to wake up perfect tomorrow. I just need to try to do a little better than today.



Porn last week: 5
Porn this week: 0
Day 1

 

[jonazo91]

I lost my phone Monday evening on the train home from work, got it back noon Wednesday. That day-and-a-half period without my phone was bookended by porn usage, as I had used porn earlier that Monday, and again on Wednesday a few hours within getting my phone back. (If anyone’s curious, yes I still have blockers on my phone, but I’ve become a master at seeking out softcore material on YouTube). Okay. Sure, that’s sad. But I guess the more interesting thing is that while my phone was missing, I wasn’t intensely craving porn. Sure, I was a little moody the second day for a while, as I thought I’d never get it back and I’d have to spring for a whole new phone. But I wasn’t ravaged by intense porn cravings, like it might seem since I went right back to it when I DID get my phone back.

On a related note, today I got home from work feeling fine and ready to exercise. Then my wife said she was going out shopping, leaving me alone with the (unblocked) computer for a while. Once again, I got the brilliant idea to look at porn. I was eventually able to pull myself away and exercise instead (partly for fear that I’d be caught in the act by her coming home). But then after exercising, I still went into the bathroom and before showering, pulled out a quick one to some more YouTube stuff.

So what’s the point? I don’t always constantly crave porn, I know this. I get bored at work and start looking at my phone. I associate the event of my wife leaving me alone in the house (or even just the room) with my computer as a cue to start craving porn. So for now, I just want to become WAAAY more aware of these cues. To some extent I can limit them. But I can’t 100% eliminate these moments. I just need to be aware of them and consider the problem the cue is presenting me with, and what options I have to “solve” that problem. So much of my habits are me on auto pilot. So for now I just want to become aware of what’s going on in my head every step of the way.

Also, from now on (starting tomorrow) I’m going to try to post in the morning, before I’ve had the chance to get into any trouble that day, and try and use the journal to calmly reflect on the day prior, rather than as a frazzled, ashamed, out of sorts reaction to a fuck-up.

To my credit, I’ve worked out three times this week, and (using my Atomic Habits lingo) am living my new identity as a physically active person, focused on my physical fitness. Also, I’m becoming someone with a healthy sleep schedule by holding myself to an earlier bedtime (even on weekends, as much as I can manage).


Porn last week: 5
Porn this week: 3
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Just a short post this morning to start establishing the habit of making journal entries in the morning. It’s a fine beautiful day here and I’m looking forward to the weekend.


Porn last week: 5
Porn this week: 3
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Unfortunately used again on Friday after work, and then Saturday night I was searching stuff up, ready to relapse again but eventually just went to bed instead. I’ve been trying to stay off my phone as much as possible since Saturday, mostly to avoid seeing, and getting angry at, anyone’s dumbass reactions to the big national news story going on right now.

On the positive side, I reconnected with a friend on Saturday after we’d had a falling out a few months ago, and we had a fun time going out. I had a nice date night with my wife yesterday. I felt a little out of sorts yesterday but not too bad. Ready to get this week going.


Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 0
Day 2.

 

[jonazo91]

Had a pretty decent day yesterday. Work was very slow but I tried my best to stay busy. Went home, went grocery shopping with my wife, worked out, and tried to stay off my phone the whole night as much as possible. Got to bed at a halfway decent hour although it took me a while to fall asleep.

Had a pretty decent day yesterday. Work was very slow but I tried my best to stay busy. Went home, went grocery shopping with my wife, worked out, and tried to stay off my phone the whole night as much as possible. Got to bed at a halfway decent hour although it took me a while to actually fall asleep.


Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 0
Day 3.

 

[jonazo91]

Lol, sorry for the repetition on my last post. Had issues with my phone keeping me logged into RN while I was posting, so I copy+pasted so it wouldn't get deleted.


I had another therapy session today, and I feel like it gave me a lot to think about, in terms of how I live my life in general. I am much more open with my beliefs and my convictions in these types of anonymous online spaces than I am in real life. Maybe that's not too surprising, since it's a lot easier to tell an anonymous stranger what you really think than it is to someone whose opinion of you you care about. But it seeps into every part of my life:

- I'm secretly much more politically and culturally conservative than my friends (and even my wife) know me to be.
- I'm becoming more and more convicted in my Christian beliefs, but I don't go to church or proclaim my faith because I'm worried what people will think.

But also, on the other hand:
- I can be nasty and combative in online comment sections when I'm generally very polite and non-confrontational in person.
- I let out my perverted, sexually aggressive side in online spaces (i.e. porn sites and also sites like Reddit where you can share porn), where in real life I've always been nervous to even flirt with girls, and it's been an ongoing issue that I don't initiate sex with my wife.

So it's a double life. One thing my therapist suggested is that 12-step groups are good because they force us to make human connections and bring our "private self" out to the light among people who understand our struggle.

I'm still a little unsettled about 12-step groups, but that's not a No. But the bigger question for me is, how do I come out of my shell more broadly, and show the real world who I am, without fear or shame, but also considering which parts of my "private self" I want to modify, or get rid of, or heal.

I'm working from home today on the 2nd-shift rotation. This is a typical situation (since I'm in front of my unblocked computer all day with very little to do for work) where I usually resort to porn out of boredom. But today I've stayed away. But I still wasted some time, scrolling through social media and getting needlessly worked up about internet drama that doesn't effect me in any way. I would like to come up with some consistent, reliable ways to fit productive habits into my downtimes at work.


Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 0
Day 4.

 

[jonazo91]

I faltered last night, and into this morning. Why? I'm not quite sure. Lack of discipline. Feeling generally bored and needing some stimulation of some sort I guess. This morning, since I didn't MO last night, I was still feeling urges but also thought, "maybe I should just get this over with as soon as possible so my brain can get back to normal." I have to get rid of that line of thinking in the future. It's bargaining and it doesn't lead anywhere but just further burning in those neural pathways that lead me down the same road. I need to forge a new pathway where no matter how late it is in the game, how much porn I've already indulged in to "tempt myself" or whatever, it's okay to turn around the ship right now and get back on the right path.

Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 1
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

After this last post yesterday I escalated my porn use quite a bit throughout the day. I ended up in material I really don’t like looking at. And it ended up affecting my communication with my wife for the rest of the night. I don’t know, she could probably tell something was off with me, and that affected her mood.

Lots of times I justify my porn use to myself by saying something like “I’ll be able to get away with it this time, if it messes up my mood for a while, I’ll have time to stabilize a bit before anyone else notices.” That’s fine for what it is, that is, I know it’s just a stupid lie I’m telling myself to get what I want in the short term. But even that is starting to fall apart now. It is very obviously affecting my mood. It’s like, a bandaid with some sort of acid on it. Not only does it not help whatever issue with my mood I’m trying to treat, it makes it much worse.

Okay, well today is a new day. I look back and realize I started this journal almost 3 years ago now. There’s so much wasted time there. That’s what it feels like. But I push on. The documenting is good. It’s not like I was doing any better before I started the journal. I must allow myself forgiveness. This is Day One.



Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 2
Day 1.

 

[Blondie]

Lol, sorry for the repetition on my last post. Had issues with my phone keeping me logged into RN while I was posting, so I copy+pasted so it wouldn't get deleted.


I had another therapy session today, and I feel like it gave me a lot to think about, in terms of how I live my life in general. I am much more open with my beliefs and my convictions in these types of anonymous online spaces than I am in real life. Maybe that's not too surprising, since it's a lot easier to tell an anonymous stranger what you really think than it is to someone whose opinion of you you care about. But it seeps into every part of my life:

- I'm secretly much more politically and culturally conservative than my friends (and even my wife) know me to be.
- I'm becoming more and more convicted in my Christian beliefs, but I don't go to church or proclaim my faith because I'm worried what people will think.

But also, on the other hand:
- I can be nasty and combative in online comment sections when I'm generally very polite and non-confrontational in person.
- I let out my perverted, sexually aggressive side in online spaces (i.e. porn sites and also sites like Reddit where you can share porn), where in real life I've always been nervous to even flirt with girls, and it's been an ongoing issue that I don't initiate sex with my wife.

So it's a double life. One thing my therapist suggested is that 12-step groups are good because they force us to make human connections and bring our "private self" out to the light among people who understand our struggle.

I'm still a little unsettled about 12-step groups, but that's not a No. But the bigger question for me is, how do I come out of my shell more broadly, and show the real world who I am, without fear or shame, but also considering which parts of my "private self" I want to modify, or get rid of, or heal.

I'm working from home today on the 2nd-shift rotation. This is a typical situation (since I'm in front of my unblocked computer all day with very little to do for work) where I usually resort to porn out of boredom. But today I've stayed away. But I still wasted some time, scrolling through social media and getting needlessly worked up about internet drama that doesn't effect me in any way. I would like to come up with some consistent, reliable ways to fit productive habits into my downtimes at work.


Porn last week: 4
Porn this week: 0
Day 4.

Hey @jonazo91, I hope you're doing well.

When I read this a few days ago I thought about a couple of things.

First, you reminded me of myself and how I acted in the past, and how I used to have a hard time "opening" up about my sexuality, or just my opinions in general, be it: Christianity, politics, or whatever. Of course as you rightly stated, this leads to a double life, which makes you feel like shit, and makes you feel all the worse because of it, and thus, makes you continue in your bad habits. Not a good place to be in. Which brings me to my next point.

Have you ever read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover? You can find it online. I read this book for the first time twelve years ago and it changed my life for the better. I've probably reread it since then five or so times and I've always learned something new. Of course, like anything, reading a book doesn't "change" your life, but actually doing the work does. It basically says that many men are not really "nice" at all, but kind of assholes. Why? Because many men are so afraid of saying their opinions or needs out of fear of rejection (often from their childhoods) that they never really show their true selves and thus, not even those closest to them really "know" them. Naturally this causes all kinds of problems, and secret addictions are just one of the many.

Just a thought, you might like it!

Best,
Blondie

 

[jonazo91]

Hey @jonazo91, I hope you're doing well.

When I read this a few days ago I thought about a couple of things.

First, you reminded me of myself and how I acted in the past, and how I used to have a hard time "opening" up about my sexuality, or just my opinions in general, be it: Christianity, politics, or whatever. Of course as you rightly stated, this leads to a double life, which makes you feel like shit, and makes you feel all the worse because of it, and thus, makes you continue in your bad habits. Not a good place to be in. Which brings me to my next point.

Have you ever read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover? You can find it online. I read this book for the first time twelve years ago and it changed my life for the better. I've probably reread it since then five or so times and I've always learned something new. Of course, like anything, reading a book doesn't "change" your life, but actually doing the work does. It basically says that many men are not really "nice" at all, but kind of assholes. Why? Because many men are so afraid of saying their opinions or needs out of fear of rejection (often from their childhoods) that they never really show their true selves and thus, not even those closest to them really "know" them. Naturally this causes all kinds of problems, and secret addictions are just one of the many.

Just a thought, you might like it!

Best,
Blondie

Ugh.

I’ve been listening to an audiobook of this all morning since reading your post, and also listened to a podcast interview with the author, and the word to describe how I’m feeling right now is scared. Terrified, even. I see myself all too clearly in everything he’s describing, and while I haven’t gotten very far into the solutions part of the book yet, I’m already worrying that I need a complete overhaul of who I am, and it would result in a complete shift in my whole life. I guess what’s really shocking is that the idea of asserting my own needs and being completely upfront about what I need out of life, feels like unchaining a fucking monster. Like, I keep him hidden down there so much that I’m afraid of letting him out into the light. Not only does it feel like starting over from scratch with my whole personality and the way I interact with everyone I know, it feels like willfully being a bad person, I guess because that’s the way I view the “real me” inside? So yeah. Boy.

I figure if it’s touching such a raw nerve and inciting such a fight or flight response in me, it’s because it’s touching on a basic truth. But God, I have to admit I’m really scared. I feel like everything I do, until I change my whole outlook and attitude, is going to be dead wrong. I’m so accustomed to being a people-pleaser that suddenly stopping, or even gradually stopping, is going to make everyone around me go “what the hell happened to you?”

And the other thing is, with this low opinion of myself reining supreme in my head right now (especially after a real bad day yesterday), aiming my sights toward “getting what I want out of life” feels like a funny goal. I feel so bad about myself, I guess it just seems counterintuitive. Like, I’m sneaking around my wife and hiding my behavior from her, and you’re telling me what I need to do is demand more out of her? Or be more confident in my own needs and less apologetic?

Anyway, I’m not saying any of that as a rebuttal, but just giving you my honest gut reaction. It seems like such a big project, and where now I feel like I need to keep this monster chained up inside me, you’re telling me the answer is to be comfortable with it and embody the “monster” as part of my whole self. I’m already analyzing the way I talk to people today, seeing how I self-censor to make the conversation glide along smoother, and hearing in my head what I would really say if I never did anything but speak my mind.

I don’t know. It feels like I have a long way to go, and I guess the good news is I’m becoming aware of it, but it still feels depressing.

But still, thank you. I already ordered a copy of the book.

 

[jonazo91]

I had a decent weekend. Some good times, and had sex, but also I found lots of time to fill up with peeking at various forms of p-subs, especially Saturday night into Sunday. I actually don’t remember if I actually masturbated but I don’t think so. But a lot of “almost.” Oh yeah, and then I took the day off Monday because I didn’t get any sleep Sunday night, and idle hands got me into some trouble on Monday, although I still didn’t actually MO. In any case, yesterday morning I did, and then I was peeking again last night.

I’m trying to set up my routines and habits a little more, which is good, except that if something throws them off, or even if I’m on a day where my schedule is set up differently, I fall out of order quickly. So I have to figure out how to be more resilient when my regular schedule is changed up.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 3
Day 1.

 

[Blondie]

I’ve been listening to an audiobook of this all morning since reading your post, and also listened to a podcast interview with the author, and the word to describe how I’m feeling right now is scared. Terrified, even. I see myself all too clearly in everything he’s describing, and while I haven’t gotten very far into the solutions part of the book yet, I’m already worrying that I need a complete overhaul of who I am, and it would result in a complete shift in my whole life. I guess what’s really shocking is that the idea of asserting my own needs and being completely upfront about what I need out of life, feels like unchaining a fucking monster. Like, I keep him hidden down there so much that I’m afraid of letting him out into the light. Not only does it feel like starting over from scratch with my whole personality and the way I interact with everyone I know, it feels like willfully being a bad person, I guess because that’s the way I view the “real me” inside? So yeah. Boy.

Hey @jonazo91, I definitely identify with this sentiment. I remember when I first read it I felt the same way. I would ask myself constantly, would people really like me if I showed them my true self? It's a scary thing to think about when you've spent your whole life living with a fake face. Or should I say a double face! Sometimes you've done it so long it's hard to know what you even think about this or that. A good thing to remember is that you're NOT a bad person. Your views about this or that are just that, views about this or that. If people disagree then that's just fine.

I figure if it’s touching such a raw nerve and inciting such a fight or flight response in me, it’s because it’s touching on a basic truth. But God, I have to admit I’m really scared. I feel like everything I do, until I change my whole outlook and attitude, is going to be dead wrong. I’m so accustomed to being a people-pleaser that suddenly stopping, or even gradually stopping, is going to make everyone around me go “what the hell happened to you?”

This is a legitimate concern, and the book even recommends telling your loved ones that you'll be doing things differently and some mistakes might happen along the path. Of course that's another thing "Nice Guys" hate doing, that is, mistakes. So yes, get in the fight and make some mistakes. You're only human after all.

Anyway, I’m not saying any of that as a rebuttal, but just giving you my honest gut reaction. It seems like such a big project, and where now I feel like I need to keep this monster chained up inside me, you’re telling me the answer is to be comfortable with it and embody the “monster” as part of my whole self. I’m already analyzing the way I talk to people today, seeing how I self-censor to make the conversation glide along smoother, and hearing in my head what I would really say if I never did anything but speak my mind.

Obviously, there's a balance to all of this. Being social and living in the real world, it's always somewhat of a game, and you can't just go in there always "telling your truth" and I wouldn't recommend that nor would I say, either does the book. The sweet spot, and I'm still working on this, is being authentic to the things that actually matter to you. Getting in an argument at work or at a restaurant constantly is not exactly being smart, even if it's be more "authentic." Obviously, the biggest part about this would be your relationship with your wife, because that's where the rubber meets the road as they say.

Let me know what you think when you've read the book.

best

 

[jonazo91]

Lots has happened since I last posted here, mostly good but hard to go into simply. I had some serious talks with my wife and opened up to her about some things. Now things have kind of started going back to normal and my big question is how I don’t just ease back into my comfort zone. I was forced to be honest with my wife about some things (not even directly related to porn or sexuality, actually) and it felt really good to be open and honest instead of hiding my feelings about things any time I thought they might be hard for her to hear. But now I have to figure out how to keep up that honesty consistently.

Porn last week: 1? I think
Porn this week: 1
Day 2.

 

[jonazo91]

Overall I think I have been doing a better job communicating with my wife lately. We had another pretty good heart to heart talk last night. I was feeling urges and engaging in some yellow-light behavior earlier in the day, but after our talk felt better and more fulfilled in a healthier way.

Porn last week: 1? I think
Porn this week: 1
Day 3.

 

[jonazo91]

I messed up a couple times over the weekend and then again on Tuesday.

Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 2.

 

[Kraken]

I want to celebrate and acknowledge how hard it is telling someone you love that you’ve been struggling, in detail. Super difficult but that type of real conversation leads to some amazing things. You’re a boss, man.

 

[jonazo91]

Thanks man. But the struggle goes on. I have a tendency to fall back into old habits. Yesterday I spiraled a bit and had a pretty long session. Of course it killed my mood afterwards. I’m just tired of making excuses.

A new day begins.


Porn last week: 2
Porn this week: 3
Day 1.