I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 2. I’m trying to write a poem for my wife for our first anniversary. I haven’t really written a poem since grade school when I had an assignment to, so I’m really out of my depth but it’s been a fun exercise. I’m about halfway done with it but really need to finish it today if I can.

Porn last week: around 5
Porn this week: 2
Day 2.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Ah, I’m not doing great. There’s stress in my marriage right now regarding this stupid election. I’ve been burning my candle at both ends, and yesterday I watched porn twice. Once at the end of my work day, after trying to fight off the urges for a while, and again, at 1 in the morning when I should have already been asleep. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow at 8 am, and I’m already dreading it and wondering how I’m going to catch up on sleep (I have a feeling I might be up late watching election results tonight, although I’d gladly not be). I just want to get through today cleanly, but that was what I thought at this time yesterday too, but I found myself fighting (and ultimately losing to) the same demons by 3:30 pm.


Porn last week: 3?
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Still tired and not getting enough sleep. Worked from home yesterday and took a porn break right in the middle of it. It’s been weird with my wife lately, we haven’t been intimate and she says it’s because she’s stressed about the election. We were on opposite sides this time, but she only found out because some campaign mail came to our house and I had to come clean. My political leanings have become like some sort of analog to my porn issue. But the politics is what's really causing problems in the between right now. Go figure.

We had a talk (an argument?) about it last night, and she said she felt better about it afterwards, even though we didn’t really come to a resolution. I’m finding myself still carrying a little anger over it that I’m trying to let go of. And meanwhile work has been getting stressful too.

I almost feel too beat and exhausted to consider acting out again today, but crazier things have happened. Ready for this weekend to hopefully catch up on some rest.


Porn last week: 3?
Porn this week: 3
Day 1
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I did manage to catch some rest over the weekend. Didn’t get out much, but I did do some grocery shopping and cooked a meal yesterday for dinner. I’ve realized recently it’s been going on 2 years since I last played the violin. In fact, it’s broken now and it needs to go to the shop. Only a few years ago I was planning on getting back into a daily practice habit. I guess I’ve been busy, and it’s not like I’ve done absolutely nothing in that time. But it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself over the years and how many of them I’ve abandoned over time. Sometimes this thought depresses me.

Thinking about it now, I don’t feel too depressed: after all, my life isn’t over. But it does make me realize that my fate is in my own hands. If I say I want something, it’s up to me to do it. Life will get in the way, I will feel I have too much stuff to do, or I’m too tired. I look at other people who have accomplished so much and I caught myself thinking, “yeah, well they must not have as many people making demands on their time so they have more time to follow their goals.” That’s so obviously untrue. I’ve spent many many hours over the last few years playing video games. It’s not all time I regret. As a kid I didn’t get to play video games very often and I always kind of felt like I was missing out on “gamer culture” and the all the fun of video games. So I guess I’ve been making up for lost time. I still don’t think of myself as a “gamer” but the hours played on my Switch don’t lie. So, that’s what I’ve prioritized. It’s no great tragedy, but what have I given up for it? Next time I complain that I don’t have time to exercise, or to read, or to practice my violin, I can just look at those hours played.

Things with my wife are okay, I guess. We seem easier-going and more comfortable with each other than we had been lately, but the physical touch is still missing. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been married for 50 years instead of 1. But I think it’s just a stage we need to get through. I’m trying not to be resentful or sullen and instead just focus on myself and my own improvement,


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 4
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I’ve realized recently it’s been going on 2 years since I last played the violin. In fact, it’s broken now and it needs to go to the shop. Only a few years ago I was planning on getting back into a daily practice habit. I guess I’ve been busy, and it’s not like I’ve done absolutely nothing in that time. But it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself over the years and how many of them I’ve abandoned over time. Sometimes this thought depresses me.
I know the feeling, man. Coincidentally, I also have some instruments that I haven't been really playing. Porn addiction can do that to you, rub the dopamine from you, the idea of playing the instruments doesn't feeling exciting anymore. For a year I've lost the control completely, I've been PMO-ing more than usual, the worse period since high school regarding this shit and honestly, I feel completely dopamine depleted. To play instruments these days would mean pushing myself extra-hard to get some enjoyment out of it (if I get any). I don't know if this has been the case for you.

Thinking about it now, I don’t feel too depressed: after all, my life isn’t over. But it does make me realize that my fate is in my own hands. If I say I want something, it’s up to me to do it. Life will get in the way, I will feel I have too much stuff to do, or I’m too tired.

Well, this is definitely true. Unless we live on autopilot or survival mechanism, where the survival mechanism took the front seat and drives you're life around (my case in the past), as long as we've "woken up" and realized wtf is going on, it's in our hands. It's when we need to take extreme ownership (I follow Jocko Willink) of our situation and do the work. I know it might sound like a stereotype but nobody is coming to save most of us. In general people don't have someone to take the lead, to knock on our door and say hey man are you hurting? Don't worry I got you. Most of us are on our own. Yes we might have people who care about us but they are not our life coaches, our sponsors (like AA type of sponsor) etc. They will not come around to make plans for us how to save ourselves. Anybody who has someone like that in their life that is a help like a mentor or something that's great but I don't have anybody like that. At this point it's pretty much clear I'm on my own in trying to find the people that can help me. For most of us, these people will come into our lives if we make the first move only.

I’ve spent many many hours over the last few years playing video games. It’s not all time I regret. As a kid I didn’t get to play video games very often and I always kind of felt like I was missing out on “gamer culture” and the all the fun of video games. So I guess I’ve been making up for lost time. I still don’t think of myself as a “gamer” but the hours played on my Switch don’t lie. So, that’s what I’ve prioritized. It’s no great tragedy, but what have I given up for it? Next time I complain that I don’t have time to exercise, or to read, or to practice my violin, I can just look at those hours played.
Also coincidentally, I have a similar experience. I've started playing more video games for about a year since I got a PS5 (bad idea). But I said the same thing: "I've never had a good enough PC or a console to play those games, I watched people playing them on Youtube but now I have money and I want to catch up to that." Well, I can't say that it was absolutely necessary though. I have better things to do than play video games. I don't feel that much enjoyment from playing them either but they are always more fuckin appealing than playin guitar......... But yes, you are right: I should spend some of those hours actually playing the instruments.

Anyway man, keep up the good work.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well, it seems that being at work has become a trigger for porn use for me. I have a lot of times when I’m alone in the office, and with little to do. I used porn at the end of the day at work again yesterday.

My mind feels restless lately. I woke up around 3:30 am last night and couldn’t get back to sleep for an hour and a half. It’s frustrating because I tried to get to bed at an earlier time last night to get better sleep and then this happened. I noticed this happens a lot when I try to get to bed earlier. I’ve had some lingering anger feelings. I have worries about my marriage, about myself.. I don’t know. I don’t feel panicked, but I feel just, unsettled. It’s time to just jump back on the horse today.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 1
Day 1
 
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