I did manage to catch some rest over the weekend. Didn’t get out much, but I did do some grocery shopping and cooked a meal yesterday for dinner. I’ve realized recently it’s been going on 2 years since I last played the violin. In fact, it’s broken now and it needs to go to the shop. Only a few years ago I was planning on getting back into a daily practice habit. I guess I’ve been busy, and it’s not like I’ve done absolutely nothing in that time. But it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself over the years and how many of them I’ve abandoned over time. Sometimes this thought depresses me.
Thinking about it now, I don’t feel too depressed: after all, my life isn’t over. But it does make me realize that my fate is in my own hands. If I say I want something, it’s up to me to do it. Life will get in the way, I will feel I have too much stuff to do, or I’m too tired. I look at other people who have accomplished so much and I caught myself thinking, “yeah, well they must not have as many people making demands on their time so they have more time to follow their goals.” That’s so obviously untrue. I’ve spent many many hours over the last few years playing video games. It’s not all time I regret. As a kid I didn’t get to play video games very often and I always kind of felt like I was missing out on “gamer culture” and the all the fun of video games. So I guess I’ve been making up for lost time. I still don’t think of myself as a “gamer” but the hours played on my Switch don’t lie. So, that’s what I’ve prioritized. It’s no great tragedy, but what have I given up for it? Next time I complain that I don’t have time to exercise, or to read, or to practice my violin, I can just look at those hours played.
Things with my wife are okay, I guess. We seem easier-going and more comfortable with each other than we had been lately, but the physical touch is still missing. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been married for 50 years instead of 1. But I think it’s just a stage we need to get through. I’m trying not to be resentful or sullen and instead just focus on myself and my own improvement,
Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 4