I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Day 2. I’m trying to write a poem for my wife for our first anniversary. I haven’t really written a poem since grade school when I had an assignment to, so I’m really out of my depth but it’s been a fun exercise. I’m about halfway done with it but really need to finish it today if I can.

Porn last week: around 5
Porn this week: 2
Day 2.

 

[jonazo91]

Ah, I’m not doing great. There’s stress in my marriage right now regarding this stupid election. I’ve been burning my candle at both ends, and yesterday I watched porn twice. Once at the end of my work day, after trying to fight off the urges for a while, and again, at 1 in the morning when I should have already been asleep. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow at 8 am, and I’m already dreading it and wondering how I’m going to catch up on sleep (I have a feeling I might be up late watching election results tonight, although I’d gladly not be). I just want to get through today cleanly, but that was what I thought at this time yesterday too, but I found myself fighting (and ultimately losing to) the same demons by 3:30 pm.


Porn last week: 3?
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Still tired and not getting enough sleep. Worked from home yesterday and took a porn break right in the middle of it. It’s been weird with my wife lately, we haven’t been intimate and she says it’s because she’s stressed about the election. We were on opposite sides this time, but she only found out because some campaign mail came to our house and I had to come clean. My political leanings have become like some sort of analog to my porn issue. But the politics is what's really causing problems in the between right now. Go figure.

We had a talk (an argument?) about it last night, and she said she felt better about it afterwards, even though we didn’t really come to a resolution. I’m finding myself still carrying a little anger over it that I’m trying to let go of. And meanwhile work has been getting stressful too.

I almost feel too beat and exhausted to consider acting out again today, but crazier things have happened. Ready for this weekend to hopefully catch up on some rest.


Porn last week: 3?
Porn this week: 3
Day 1

 

[jonazo91]

I did manage to catch some rest over the weekend. Didn’t get out much, but I did do some grocery shopping and cooked a meal yesterday for dinner. I’ve realized recently it’s been going on 2 years since I last played the violin. In fact, it’s broken now and it needs to go to the shop. Only a few years ago I was planning on getting back into a daily practice habit. I guess I’ve been busy, and it’s not like I’ve done absolutely nothing in that time. But it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself over the years and how many of them I’ve abandoned over time. Sometimes this thought depresses me.

Thinking about it now, I don’t feel too depressed: after all, my life isn’t over. But it does make me realize that my fate is in my own hands. If I say I want something, it’s up to me to do it. Life will get in the way, I will feel I have too much stuff to do, or I’m too tired. I look at other people who have accomplished so much and I caught myself thinking, “yeah, well they must not have as many people making demands on their time so they have more time to follow their goals.” That’s so obviously untrue. I’ve spent many many hours over the last few years playing video games. It’s not all time I regret. As a kid I didn’t get to play video games very often and I always kind of felt like I was missing out on “gamer culture” and the all the fun of video games. So I guess I’ve been making up for lost time. I still don’t think of myself as a “gamer” but the hours played on my Switch don’t lie. So, that’s what I’ve prioritized. It’s no great tragedy, but what have I given up for it? Next time I complain that I don’t have time to exercise, or to read, or to practice my violin, I can just look at those hours played.

Things with my wife are okay, I guess. We seem easier-going and more comfortable with each other than we had been lately, but the physical touch is still missing. Sometimes it feels like we’ve been married for 50 years instead of 1. But I think it’s just a stage we need to get through. I’m trying not to be resentful or sullen and instead just focus on myself and my own improvement,


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 4

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I’ve realized recently it’s been going on 2 years since I last played the violin. In fact, it’s broken now and it needs to go to the shop. Only a few years ago I was planning on getting back into a daily practice habit. I guess I’ve been busy, and it’s not like I’ve done absolutely nothing in that time. But it’s more about the goals I’ve set for myself over the years and how many of them I’ve abandoned over time. Sometimes this thought depresses me.

I know the feeling, man. Coincidentally, I also have some instruments that I haven't been really playing. Porn addiction can do that to you, rub the dopamine from you, the idea of playing the instruments doesn't feeling exciting anymore. For a year I've lost the control completely, I've been PMO-ing more than usual, the worse period since high school regarding this shit and honestly, I feel completely dopamine depleted. To play instruments these days would mean pushing myself extra-hard to get some enjoyment out of it (if I get any). I don't know if this has been the case for you.

Thinking about it now, I don’t feel too depressed: after all, my life isn’t over. But it does make me realize that my fate is in my own hands. If I say I want something, it’s up to me to do it. Life will get in the way, I will feel I have too much stuff to do, or I’m too tired.

Well, this is definitely true. Unless we live on autopilot or survival mechanism, where the survival mechanism took the front seat and drives you're life around (my case in the past), as long as we've "woken up" and realized wtf is going on, it's in our hands. It's when we need to take extreme ownership (I follow Jocko Willink) of our situation and do the work. I know it might sound like a stereotype but nobody is coming to save most of us. In general people don't have someone to take the lead, to knock on our door and say hey man are you hurting? Don't worry I got you. Most of us are on our own. Yes we might have people who care about us but they are not our life coaches, our sponsors (like AA type of sponsor) etc. They will not come around to make plans for us how to save ourselves. Anybody who has someone like that in their life that is a help like a mentor or something that's great but I don't have anybody like that. At this point it's pretty much clear I'm on my own in trying to find the people that can help me. For most of us, these people will come into our lives if we make the first move only.

I’ve spent many many hours over the last few years playing video games. It’s not all time I regret. As a kid I didn’t get to play video games very often and I always kind of felt like I was missing out on “gamer culture” and the all the fun of video games. So I guess I’ve been making up for lost time. I still don’t think of myself as a “gamer” but the hours played on my Switch don’t lie. So, that’s what I’ve prioritized. It’s no great tragedy, but what have I given up for it? Next time I complain that I don’t have time to exercise, or to read, or to practice my violin, I can just look at those hours played.

Also coincidentally, I have a similar experience. I've started playing more video games for about a year since I got a PS5 (bad idea). But I said the same thing: "I've never had a good enough PC or a console to play those games, I watched people playing them on Youtube but now I have money and I want to catch up to that." Well, I can't say that it was absolutely necessary though. I have better things to do than play video games. I don't feel that much enjoyment from playing them either but they are always more fuckin appealing than playin guitar......... But yes, you are right: I should spend some of those hours actually playing the instruments.

Anyway man, keep up the good work.

 

[jonazo91]

Well, it seems that being at work has become a trigger for porn use for me. I have a lot of times when I’m alone in the office, and with little to do. I used porn at the end of the day at work again yesterday.

My mind feels restless lately. I woke up around 3:30 am last night and couldn’t get back to sleep for an hour and a half. It’s frustrating because I tried to get to bed at an earlier time last night to get better sleep and then this happened. I noticed this happens a lot when I try to get to bed earlier. I’ve had some lingering anger feelings. I have worries about my marriage, about myself.. I don’t know. I don’t feel panicked, but I feel just, unsettled. It’s time to just jump back on the horse today.


Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 1
Day 1

 

[jonazo91]

Been slacking on posting here! Slacking in real life as well. I’ve been feeling low-energy lately, and using that as an excuse to be lax on my goals and visions for myself.

Lately realized, the question “what do YOU want?” causes a near panic response from me. I really don’t know how to answer it. In my marriage, in my life, in general. I’m terrified of WANTING… anything. Not quite sure how that ties into everything, only that running from the fact of my own desires leads me into these cycles of self-comfort and hiding my behavior, because I end up dissatisfied.

I looked at porn yesterday and today, only relatively briefly and without MO. I also had sex yesterday but ehhh. I had some performance issues. I don’t want to go into it right now. In any case, the streak is 0 as far as that goes.
Regardless, I’m choosing optimism. I have to meet myself where I’m at and choose to improve all the time.

Porn this week: 4?
Day 0

 

[jonazo91]

Going to try to get back into a daily habit of at least checking in.

Porn this week: 2?
Day 1

 

[jonazo91]

Went to therapy today, got some things off my chest. Working on being honest with no filter and admitting stuff I'm really ashamed of, and trying to talk to the part of myself I'm ashamed of with understanding and compassion, but still firmness.

I'm at work now, but it's slow. About a half hour ago, I was idly searching up some porn, out of boredom more than anything else. I didn't masturbate or anything and I don't really have the urge to. But I've made my counter for any intentional viewing of porn at all, not just PMO. I'm still glad I stopped before I went any further though!

Porn this week: 2?
Day 0

 

[jonazo91]

Good morning.

Porn this week: 3?
Day 1

 

[jonazo91]

pretty bad start to this week. Watched porn yesterday and then again this morning. I'm not even really into it. It's just to feel some sort of stimulation. I guess it's depression? I feel low right now. Not even intensely sad or distraught, just spent. I had gotten into a decent rhythm with exercise last week. Now I'm struggling to find the motivation to keep it up today. I think it will help me though if I do.

Porn last week: 3?
Porn this week: 2
Day 0

 

[jonazo91]

So it’s been over a month again, eh?

Here’s one problem: I have yet to find a way to get my porn blocker to work in a way that I can’t simply just get around it when I want to. If I change the password, I can just click “forgot password.” I figured out a way to lock down the app so it’s harder to access, but recently I figured out how to get around that too. So I’m considering canceling it.

I had a pretty good two-week stretch (spurred on by a failure to perform in the bedroom) where I didn’t watch much porn but still peeked a few times. Then just recently last Friday I backslid. I binged for much of the day Friday, peeked a little on Saturday, and looked at porn (and masturbated) again Sunday and Monday.

I’m also trying to start working more seriously on my weight loss. I’m mostly excited about that as of now, as it’s been a long time coming.

orn last week: 2
Porn this week: 2
Day 2

 

[Phineas 808]

(Disclaimer: this message isn't meant for everybody, especially those for whom porn-blockers are working for them)

Porn-blockers = I'm too weak to dismiss urges, or to make a different decision. Of course I don't believe this about you, brother. But, porn-blockers say to ourselves that with the kind of easy access that we face, we're too weak to deal with it. In still other words, porn-blockers disempower us.

Whenever we refocus the blame on outward things, porn-blockers, accountability groups, past traumas, triggers (the girl jogging, the bill boards), porn itself- as for how 'enticing' it all is, we disempower ourselves in the process.

A mindset shift is needed. Place all blame or praise in yourself, that, whether you fail or succeed (and I speak of the lapses we may have, not as being 'failures' as such, but as learning tools), we're properly aligned with what's true. Then we can evaluate our weaknesses, what we're doing to sabotage ourselves, and/or our strengths, those things we're doing right, and we can tweak our approach and habits to align with our goals to be healthier porn-free individuals.

Hope this makes sense, and please ask if clarification is needed.

 

[jonazo91]

(Disclaimer: this message isn't meant for everybody, especially those for whom porn-blockers are working for them)

Porn-blockers = I'm too weak to dismiss urges, or to make a different decision. Of course I don't believe this about you, brother. But, porn-blockers say to ourselves that with the kind of easy access that we face, we're too weak to deal with it. In still other words, porn-blockers disempower us.

Whenever we refocus the blame on outward things, porn-blockers, accountability groups, past traumas, triggers (the girl jogging, the bill boards), porn itself- as for how 'enticing' it all is, we disempower ourselves in the process.

A mindset shift is needed. Place all blame or praise in yourself, that, whether you fail or succeed (and I speak of the lapses we may have, not as being 'failures' as such, but as learning tools), we're properly aligned with what's true. Then we can evaluate our weaknesses, what we're doing to sabotage ourselves, and/or our strengths, those things we're doing right, and we can tweak our approach and habits to align with our goals to be healthier porn-free individuals.

Hope this makes sense, and please ask if clarification is needed.

I know someone one here a while ago recommended blockers to me because they were working for him. Personally, if it were foolproof, and it made it so that there were no way for me to access adult content whether I wanted to or not, I'd take it. I'm not so proud as to think I will never have a moment of weakness, and it would be comforting in a way to know that porn is officially off-limits to me no matter what I do. But I agree of course that it's not actually addressing the core issue. It's just a tool, and if it's useful to people, great. But for me, they have been too easy to get past to be worth it.

 

[jonazo91]

I've been in a funk lately. A bit of a mental/emotional funk, with low motivation and bad sleep habits creeping in. With that, not surprisingly, has come an uptick in my porn usage again. The dumbest thing is how not into it I am, as I'm doing it. I'm sitting there, disgusted and even bored by what I'm looking at, but still for some reason feeling the need to finish what I'm doing before I can feel at peace again, but of course I never feel "at peace" after (or during) a porn session.

I'm not giving up, and I don't feel like the world is crashing down on me. I just feel like I need to get myself in shape and regain some energy.


Porn last week: 4?
Porn this week: 2
Day 0

 

[BrassBalls707]

The dumbest thing is how not into it I am, as I'm doing it. I'm sitting there, disgusted and even bored by what I'm looking at, but still for some reason feeling the need to finish what I'm doing before I can feel at peace again, but of course I never feel "at peace" after (or during) a porn session.

I've felt similarly, so I don't think it's dumb. Unexpected, maybe? For me, realizing that porn serves to excite me and that MO serves to calm me was helpful. It's like a self-contained problem for me. It causes itself and it fixes itself, so why did I bother engaging, right?! Figuring out why I desired this excitement (distraction and sex-related hormones) and replacing them with healthy alternatives helped tremendously.

bad sleep habits creeping in. With that, not surprisingly, has come an uptick in my porn usage again.

Sleep is a big focus during my reboot, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. It compromises my motivation and energy. It may amplify existing cravings, it diminishes hope... It makes me put up less resistance against triggers, or even worse: does not allow me to avoid triggers or risky siuations as well when I am well rested.

PMO addiction is enlightening in this regard. It allows you to identify personal deficits or grievances with life. You have the awareness, now you may consider how to exercise your control over it!

I just feel like I need to get myself in shape and regain some energy

Not to bust your balls, friend, but see this as an introspective prompt: How do you imagine yourself best "getting in shape" or "regaining some energy"? What are you prepared ánd able to do in regards to that? How will you maintain or improve upon it?

Make it actionable! Consider sharing some implementation intention!

Onwards!

 

[Impression]

Hey @jonazo91 - I am sorry to hear that you’re having a tough time at the moment hang in there!

Have you been able to identify the urge that you get that moves you to watch porn and bypass all of your blockers? What is the thing/trigger that puts your brain into the mode to seek out the relief associated with porn?

 

[Iwantthesecondchance]

I would propose you to work on the basics firsthand. Start from your sleep, it is the most important thing.
I've always neglected my sleep, and now, looking backwards, I can tell that because of the lack of the sleep, I was not emotionally stable, I felt a lot of stress, and was not effective in my tasks. As a result, one of the ways to reduce the stress was porn for me, and I did it for years.
So, hopefully once you improve your sleep, and identify the behaviors which lead you to watching porn, you will be more prepared to battle your urges.