I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Day 7

I tend to be pretty peeved in the mornings, especially lately. It doesn’t always carry through my whole day, but I still want to be aware of it and try to greet the day with more gratitude. I went to sleep a little earlier last night, but was woken up by my dog at 2:30 and had a bit of a restless sleep after that.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a “Day 7.” Yes, I’m thrilled. But I’ve already caught myself daydreaming of what it will be like to have a whole month, or telling my SAA group I’m on 9 days (I go to a Monday meeting), and while those are pleasing thoughts, I really want to make an effort to stay in the moment and keep it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 8

I had dreams the last two nights involving me searching up porn, or trying to get away from people so I could look at porn. I’m taking it as a positive. It means my brain is noticing something missing that it’s used to having.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 1

After briefly looking at porn Friday night/early Saturday morning before going to bed, I told my wife about it the next morning. I'm trying to get in the habit of coming clean to her every time I slip up. Because it's hard and uncomfortable and embarrassing, and I've been avoiding just those kinds of feelings for too long.

Fast forward to yesterday, when I fully PMOd while working from home while she was in the other room. Once again, I came clean to her, but it was a tougher conversation. She was disappointed. She had given me a journal with the idea that I could try to journal my thoughts when urges came up, but I haven't used it, and that's what was really disappointing to her. It was an embarrassing conversation, not a fun one to have. But she was still ultimately supportive and gentle with me. But I came out of it feeling angry. Not so much at her. I guess at myself, but really just at everyone. I hate having to do all this. It isn't fun or even very interesting to me, to mine the depths of my emotions and have to expose all the pain in my life that's gotten me to where I am. It sucks. And it sucks realizing how much and how often I've come up short.

Even typing this right now, I get to thinking, who the fuck cares? I barely care half the time. Why should anyone else reading this care? I'd just rather be comfortable and easygoing. But then I keep opening up the wound every time I indulge in porn.

Anyhow. With the new precedent being set that I come clean to my wife if I slip up, that has become a huge incentive to stay clean and not slip up. Maybe that's not a healthy motivator, I don't know. But I need to start being honest way more often.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 2

Feeling minorly annoyed this morning. Not exactly sure why. Maybe because it snowed again. Maybe because I just worked 2 11 hour days and still feel like I haven’t done enough.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 0

I went on somewhat of a binge yesterday that only ended after midnight last night (hence Day 0). I feel pretty down about it still. I didn’t open up to my wife about it, I felt too ashamed and scared of what she’d think. It’s a bummer. I think I’d learn a lesson eventually from the fact that using porn inevitably makes me feel worse afterwards.

I don’t want to necessarily dwell in the bad feelings, but I also don’t want to just not acknowledge and fully feel them either. I’m not giving up and I never will.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 4

Things are moving. Without getting too ahead of myself, I’m feeling pretty good about a job interview I had last Friday. A second round should be scheduled this week. Crazy what something like that can do for my confidence. I do want to have my confidence come from within, ideally. But this is great news.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 5

Not much to add today. Feeling pretty good overall.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 6

Feeling pretty good once again today. There’s always room for improvement. I still have trouble getting to bed early enough, but I think I’m making improvement. Life is okay.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 7

Staying the course.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 11

Had another “porn-seeking” dream on Saturday night, and then a wet dream last night. Although they’re slightly frustrating, I take these all as positive signs of my mind and body noticing that something is different. Also, I had sex with my wife on Saturday but wasn’t able to “finish.” A little unusual, but again I’m taking it as a sign that my body notices something is up.

Sorry for all the explicit details, but it’s relevant to my process here and I guess none of us are exactly prudes here are we?

Hope you all are doing well.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 1

Had a pretty rough relapse yesterday, rough I guess in the sense that I kept on trying to fight it off and then kept on coming back to it. I was at work. I ended up in the bathroom in my office relapsing over my lunch break. After 11 days of sobriety it was really disappointing as well. I didn’t tell my wife about it. I’m embarrassed to admit when I relapse at work, because it’s such a stupid and dangerous thing to do. But only honesty will get me to a different place.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 0

Had a really rough day looking at porn almost constantly, without even touching myself, on wednesday. Yesterday was better. But then today I very briefly peeked at some material. I didn’t take it any further than that but I’d rather have a new clean streak than a long streak with asterisks.

I’ll check in again soon.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 3

Feeling frustrated. Feeling alone and like no one really understands me. It’s hard to figure out exactly what’s making me feel like this right now too. Like, I want to get better, not just with porn but in every way, but doing it for anyone else, or with anyone else’s help, makes it feel like I’m giving up my autonomy. I just want to be left alone.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 4

I really hate the words “I need help.” I don’t like trusting others, I don’t like having to be honest, imperfect, vulnerable, in front of others. I have a hair trigger for feeling judged, and then I feel like, “why would I try to change myself to please you?” I don’t want anyone’s advice, judgment, help, pity, or for anyone to count on me. Don’t count on me. If I change, it’ll be for me, not for you, and you won’t have had anything to do with it and won’t get any of the credit.

I realize this isn’t a great or very helpful attitude to have. But I get in moods like this sometimes, and they’re usually accompanied by a burst of motivation. I want to change for the better, for my own self-satisfaction. I don’t want anyone else to take pleasure in it or reap any benefits from it. I want to catch up to, and then surpass, people whom I suspect of underestimating, judging, pitying, or laughing at me.

I just wish I could hang onto this fire without the acidic negativity that comes with it. But it is a powerful feeling.

 

[Phineas 808]

Like, I want to get better, not just with porn but in every way, but doing it for anyone else, or with anyone else’s help, makes it feel like I’m giving up my autonomy. I just want to be left alone.

... I want to change for the better, for my own self-satisfaction.

I hear what you're saying, Jonazo. I can go a few pages back in your very journal and find where we've touched on this subject before.

I used to share everything, and, like yourself, it felt so disempowering, like I was giving up my own autonomy. This feeling is true, because at the end of the day, no one can truly help us- as we have to find the place within ourselves where we truly want to change, and to have compassion on ourselves until we can figure this out.

Now, let me note that, there are the rare and gifted females out there who understand- or have the capacity to be truly compassionate and supportive, without an ounce of judgment. There are women, too, who rightly felt betrayed by the revelation of such a struggle their spouse has, and thus- almost as a punishment, or proof of change- they expect you to share everything.

This is a uniquely male issue (and I acknowledge some women face a similar struggle), and not all women- dare I say most women- do not understand it, nor should they be forced to. We (as men) got ourselves into this ugly habit, and only we can end it.

Your feelings of giving up autonomy, and being disempowered are valid and for a reason.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 5

@Phineas 808 thanks, I really wasn’t expecting to be validated in that feeling. But you’re right that it’s largely a specifically male issue, and it’s just hard to reach over that gender divide all the time and explain what it’s like to a woman. I don’t want to lie to my wife. I also don’t want to hurt her. I do still think honesty is the best policy overall. But it’s not easy.

My dog is in the hospital over night, and that’s what we’re dealing with now. We expect she will come out of this okay for now, but she’s getting old and the reality is starting to set in that she will keep having medical problems arise for the rest of her life. And it’s fucking expensive. But we love that dog. I don’t regret trying to save her. But it’s very emotionally and financially hard, for both me and my wife. Luckily her dad is willing to help us, but that’s a lot to ask of him too.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 6

Life is going on. Last night I had a dream where I was putting the moves on some girl, and I literally forgot I was married. It was a real trip.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 10

My dog is sick. She had some weird splotches on her belly, which turned out to be a serious condition with her blood platelets, even though she seemed fine otherwise. Now, we have her on a bunch of new medicine, and while it seems to be helping with the blood condition and the splotches, it's making her miserable and she won't eat anything. It's very sad to watch her like this, but we can only hope it's helping her condition and that she'll come out of this.

I haven't really been feeling porn urges in the midst of all this. For one I'm too sad and concerned. For another, I am busy and am feeling needed, by her and by my wife. It's interesting, but it's when I'm not feeling needed that I notice I act up the most.

 

[jonazo91]

Day 12

Rest in Peace Elizabeth, my dog. There is a hole in my heart now. It’s so impossible to express how much I loved her. She was my little baby, my stout protector, my perfect little darling angel. I’ll never forget her. I cried in front of my wife on Monday like I’ve never done before. We both agreed that this has brought us closer. But Monday was one of the worst, saddest days I’ve ever experienced.

I have 12 days sobriety which is really good for me, but it almost feels like it doesn’t count because I’ve been so preoccupied with worry and then grief. But I’m still proud of the days.

 

[Phineas 808]

Sorry to hear about your dog, @jonazo91. Hope you and your family feel better.