Used again this morning. Feeling cheerful now.
The only reason to be depressed after a relapse is if I think I can't change, if I think I'll never stop. I do think I can change, I do think I will stop. My mantra lately has been from a Kid Cudi/Kanye West song "Reborn": "Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward." I feel cheerful because I believe that with God, I can quit this. There is a good person inside me and the good will win, if I work with it.
I'm not saying I will never ever use again, or that I will be perfect from this moment forward. But I will always keep moving forward and picking myself back up. And I will quit. If I don't believe that, I should just delete this account right now. But I DO believe it. I have faith. I can't fully explain it, but the fact that we have the choice to choose right from wrong (or, the POWER to choose the right path) makes me have faith in God. I fell this morning. Maybe I will fall again. But I am fighting this addiction every moment because I have faith that I can change. And that makes me happy.
To be honest, I have been in a pretty miserable rut lately, using frequently (at least once a day) and having no success in even beginning to stop my urges. I have every reason to lose faith in myself right now. In some ways, I feel like I've gotten worse lately. But I WILL quit. I know this. I have faith.
So, that's all talk. The important thing is action. I need structure and energy. I've been diagnosed with ADHD before, but I have my skepticism about calling my mental patterns a diagnosable "disorder." In any case, the patterns are real, and predictable, and they hold me back. I was on Ritalin for a short period (and actually was successfully avoiding porn use while on it) but had to stop because it affected by blood pressure. But what ADHD needs is structure (i.e. routine, discipline, accountability) and energy (mostly mental, the ability to "force" myself to do something I don't feel like doing at the moment).
First, structure. I set myself an 8 AM alarm and put my phone across the room so I'd be forced to get out of bed to turn my alarm off. That HAS helped me wake up early more consistently, and it's also helped me get out of some bedtime porn habits. Unfortunately, my addiction is adaptive and was more than happy to change my porn viewing habits to accommodate my new sleep schedule. So I have to make some more new changes. I had been getting my phone, taking it back to bed, and scrolling through Twitter for a half hour or so before actually leaving bed. This morning (as well as others), that led to porn. So, no more scrolling in bed before starting my day.
- Starting tomorrow, I get out of bed and start my day when my alarm goes off. If I didn't sleep well and really need more sleep, I can take a nap later in the day.
Here are some things I want to start doing on a scheduled, routine basis. I will update with a set schedule for these activities soon:
-Practice violin (1/2 -1 hour per day)
-Read (1/2 - 1 hour minimum per day)
-Exercise (minimum 3 times a week. Mon/wed/fri seems like a good idea)
-Meditate/pray/sit in silence without my phone or any screens (This might be a much better way to spend the first 1/2 hour of each day)
-Post updates on my progress here on RebootNation forums (at least once every other day)
Even as I list these things, part of my brain is scared of the commitment and energy required to stick to a schedule like this. But it would make me so HAPPY, deep down, fulfilled and mentally and emotionally nourished to live my life this way. Even if somehow, I watched porn just as much as I do now, making these changes would drastically improve my life. But of course the plan is that these changes will minimize my need for stimulation from porn, while also making me stronger and more resilient in my fight against my porn addiction.
I'm scared of failing. Setting up expectations like this for myself, I fear how I'll respond if I fall short of them. But the mantra comes back: "Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward." I will fail at times. A routine isn't made to never fail. It's made to withstand slip-ups. It's something to get back to and keep up with, after any momentary lapse. And the more I stick with it, the stronger I will become.