I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

Phineas 808

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I have to start somewhere. I have to change something.

This right here!☝️ As we know, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

You can do it, Jonazo! Switch things up! Change the surrounding habits, the habits that surround the unwanted habits. Change your environment, the times you do things, put your phone outside your room, create a screen saver that reminds you of your goals, set a timer for when you're on (3 - 5 minutes), disrupt patterned behaviors.

Let us know what your plan is...
 
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jonazo91

Active Member
Well I've been avoiding this site again because I've been in a rut again, back to using about once a day (sometimes more) for the past two weeks. I DID move my phone away from my bed and set my alarm at 8, which has gotten me to wake up somewhat early way more often and fix my sleep schedule a little bit. That's good. I used to stay up late and use porn late at night, and I haven't done that in a while. The problem is, I've just moved my times to use porn to different parts of the day, which means now I have to sneak around while my fiancee is awake and in the same apartment as me. And I still feel horrible after every time.

I want to be proud of the positive of having some success fixing my sleep schedule, but I haven't really made any improvement with porn. I feel like I'm out of final declarations to make, or things to say that will matter. Maybe the answer is to continue to implement things into my life that I have to stick to: a routine for exercising, for reading, and for practicing violin. Setting routines and sticking to them is something I've feared like the devil since I was a kid. But it's necessary now.

I am a work in progress. But every time I use porn I set myself back and take away from my progress. It's such a shame. But I need to just keep moving forward.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Had another pretty bad (as in prolonged) relapse again today. As of right now I can feel the urges to just do it again rather than start thinking about quitting again, because "I already just relapsed, might as well have some more fun before I try again." This is just one of a million little ways I justify continuing my addiction. The sad part is, I can tell part of me still really likes porn. As if it's something fun and exciting to do. While I know I still hate it at the same time, it feels counterproductive to lie to myself and pretend there's no part of me that enjoys it. But I don't like that part of me. I don't want to let that part of me make any of my decisions. And that part of me hates me. It enjoys seeing me at my worst, subject to my worst instincts. And it hates people and likes to see them degraded and exploited. It's hard to come to terms with that part of myself. I know that there's a better me in there, but I can't deny that that part of me is in there.


I don't know when I'll stop. I know eventually, I'll go through another stretch of time when I'll be able to stop for a week or so. I'm not giving up. I just don't know how to get rid of that part of me, or how to ignore it when it craves porn. I'm trying. All I can think of is to keep moving forward. Don't let a relapse affect my momentum for the day. Being ashamed of myself will do nothing for my recovery process. But I don't feel good about where I'm at.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Still in a rut. Used twice today, back to back. Before that I had a 24 hour run where I stayed clean, but I stayed up late and didn't get much sleep last night, and my resolve was weak. I've spent the past like 6 hours, looking at porn on and off. I feel like maybe I'm getting worse. I need to intervene on myself.
 
Hey man, I am here for you. We are VERY very similar. Do you want to be Accountability Buddies? Please read my posts and let me know!

WE CAN DO THIS!!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Still in a rut. Used twice today, back to back. Before that I had a 24 hour run where I stayed clean, but I stayed up late and didn't get much sleep last night, and my resolve was weak. I've spent the past like 6 hours, looking at porn on and off. I feel like maybe I'm getting worse. I need to intervene on myself.
Never forget that this recovery from porn means 2 things: A core and what you add on top of it. The core is keeping the dopamine of porn to the lowest possible. What you add on top of it is up to you. But the core of the addiction and what I recommend everyone to start with is keeping the dopamine of porn to the minimum.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Used again this morning. Feeling cheerful now.

The only reason to be depressed after a relapse is if I think I can't change, if I think I'll never stop. I do think I can change, I do think I will stop. My mantra lately has been from a Kid Cudi/Kanye West song "Reborn": "Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward." I feel cheerful because I believe that with God, I can quit this. There is a good person inside me and the good will win, if I work with it.

I'm not saying I will never ever use again, or that I will be perfect from this moment forward. But I will always keep moving forward and picking myself back up. And I will quit. If I don't believe that, I should just delete this account right now. But I DO believe it. I have faith. I can't fully explain it, but the fact that we have the choice to choose right from wrong (or, the POWER to choose the right path) makes me have faith in God. I fell this morning. Maybe I will fall again. But I am fighting this addiction every moment because I have faith that I can change. And that makes me happy.


To be honest, I have been in a pretty miserable rut lately, using frequently (at least once a day) and having no success in even beginning to stop my urges. I have every reason to lose faith in myself right now. In some ways, I feel like I've gotten worse lately. But I WILL quit. I know this. I have faith.


So, that's all talk. The important thing is action. I need structure and energy. I've been diagnosed with ADHD before, but I have my skepticism about calling my mental patterns a diagnosable "disorder." In any case, the patterns are real, and predictable, and they hold me back. I was on Ritalin for a short period (and actually was successfully avoiding porn use while on it) but had to stop because it affected by blood pressure. But what ADHD needs is structure (i.e. routine, discipline, accountability) and energy (mostly mental, the ability to "force" myself to do something I don't feel like doing at the moment).

First, structure. I set myself an 8 AM alarm and put my phone across the room so I'd be forced to get out of bed to turn my alarm off. That HAS helped me wake up early more consistently, and it's also helped me get out of some bedtime porn habits. Unfortunately, my addiction is adaptive and was more than happy to change my porn viewing habits to accommodate my new sleep schedule. So I have to make some more new changes. I had been getting my phone, taking it back to bed, and scrolling through Twitter for a half hour or so before actually leaving bed. This morning (as well as others), that led to porn. So, no more scrolling in bed before starting my day.

- Starting tomorrow, I get out of bed and start my day when my alarm goes off. If I didn't sleep well and really need more sleep, I can take a nap later in the day.

Here are some things I want to start doing on a scheduled, routine basis. I will update with a set schedule for these activities soon:

-Practice violin (1/2 -1 hour per day)
-Read (1/2 - 1 hour minimum per day)
-Exercise (minimum 3 times a week. Mon/wed/fri seems like a good idea)
-Meditate/pray/sit in silence without my phone or any screens (This might be a much better way to spend the first 1/2 hour of each day)
-Post updates on my progress here on RebootNation forums (at least once every other day)


Even as I list these things, part of my brain is scared of the commitment and energy required to stick to a schedule like this. But it would make me so HAPPY, deep down, fulfilled and mentally and emotionally nourished to live my life this way. Even if somehow, I watched porn just as much as I do now, making these changes would drastically improve my life. But of course the plan is that these changes will minimize my need for stimulation from porn, while also making me stronger and more resilient in my fight against my porn addiction.


I'm scared of failing. Setting up expectations like this for myself, I fear how I'll respond if I fall short of them. But the mantra comes back: "Keep moving forward. Keep moving forward." I will fail at times. A routine isn't made to never fail. It's made to withstand slip-ups. It's something to get back to and keep up with, after any momentary lapse. And the more I stick with it, the stronger I will become.
 

Phineas 808

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That was a good read, Jonazo! I feel that with these changes, and your faith in God, you will beat this thing! Each time you're true to your schedule or your smaller goals, you'll build confidence (which relapsing erodes) more and more, and will be able to say 'No' when it really counts.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay, quick status update:

So, it's already been three days without my last update, so I'm already falling a little behind. Also, I did have another relapse late Friday night/Saturday morning, after I stayed up way too late playing video games and fell into a familiar habit. A positive I can take is that I recognize the behavior that led to the relapse and know what to avoid in the future in the regard. Playing video games for a little on a weekend night is fine, but I still have to set a definite ending point and stick to it and go to bed (no "hopping on the computer for a sec" afterwards). Generally speaking, I can avoid a lot of triggers just by always going to bed with my fiancee.

So, Friday night I messed up. But Saturday was a really good day, spent time with my fiancee and my family and had a good time with everyone. I'm allowing myself a little leniency this weekend (not when it comes to porn, that was still unacceptable, but with my routine schedule), with the promise that I'll start in earnest tomorrow/Monday. I have already been trying to start my day sitting silently without my phone or any other distractions, and that seems like a good thing for me.

Today, I'm hoping to have a good, productive but relaxing Sunday, and to get to bed at a decent hour so I can start working on my routine tomorrow.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Still waffling between good days and bad days. I relapsed again late last night in response to some stress (I had to stay up late finishing up some really tedious work, and I caved under the pressure). I ended up staying up til 5 and waking up around 11:30 this morning. Before that, I had a couple days where I was waking up on time, and while I didn't accomplish everything I'd set out to in my scheduled routine, I was being fairly productive.

The hardest thing for me is consistently applied effort. I get bursts of motivation/inspiration that then disperse quickly. It's a problem with myself I've never been able to figure out how to solve. I just have to keep trying.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I'm really considering coming clean with my fiancee. I really don't know if I have the courage. I'm scared it'll put a strain on our relationship. I know she'll be understanding, and supportive, but if I continue to slip up, I will have to continue telling her every time I watch porn, which seems potentially damaging to our relationship.

Damn, if that ain't fucked up. Here I am, admitting that if my fiancee knew how often I watch porn, it would damage our relationship. And my solution is to keep doing it behind her back until I'm ready to quit. Every option seems wrong. Of course, I'm leaving out the option of actually quitting. shit, man. This is what addiction is all about.

I've admitted to her about "trying to quit watching porn" before (nearly 2 years ago), and she was supportive and a little confused. Since then, she's caught me a few times and only lightly teased me about it.

I don't want to be scared to be honest with her. I am now, and I can only imagine how scared I'd be if I came clean with her and then kept relapsing, and had to face that mountain of coming clean to her again. I don't want to lie to her. But I am now, by omission. I love her. But I'm hurting her by hiding this from her.

I just relapsed again, which as you can tell has messed my mood up. I need change. I've gotten a little better with my sleep schedule, but even with that I've been back and forth and not consistent. I haven't picked up my violin in a week, and I've read, but not consistently every day.


Telling my fiancee that I'm struggling with my porn use, I really need to stop, and that I can't do it alone, would be good for me. It would be a change. But damn, I'm just fucking scared. Am I scared to quit? Well, yes. Clearly.
 

Phineas 808

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Jonazo, I know you will hear the opposite advice from others- but please consider this from another perspective...

If you feel you must tell another, tell another man- not your girlfriend. You're lucky that she was supportive before, and only lightly teases you about past discoveries- but you're right, you don't want to place undue stress on your relationship (and future marriage). You also don't want to disempower yourself by placing this (unduly) in your woman's hands- to where you'd be walking on egg-shells everytime you lapsed or struggled.

If you hear me, you may be feeling guilt and shame, and often times we (selfishly) want to relieve that pressure by confessing our faults to our significant other. We end up feeling better (relieved), but our wife feels devastated, even destroyed. We don't want to do that. We're men, and we got ourselves into this mess, we have to get ourselves out of it. Women are (typically) not designed to handle our truth, and we unduly burden them with our male-issues. They only internalize this, seeing themselves as inadequate to meet our needs.

Bottom line, you plan to quit anyway, right? Just focus on that yourself (or with a male accountability partner), and don't hurt your relationship with this thing that's ending anyway.
 
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jonazo91

Active Member
Since last update, I've abstained (so 3 days and counting, so far). I have had some triggers and some behaviors that I shouldn't have partaken in, but I haven't consumed porn or masturbated since Saturday night. Today, I woke up early (for me), and tried to stay away from my phone or most screens at all and instead spent my morning reading and relaxing. It felt much better. I'm going to try to take this feeling of relaxation and sense of (small but notable) accomplishment forward with me and do my best to reinforce good habits.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I relapsed once again last night, as well as a few days prior.

Sometimes, it's like, I get the urge to, and I start looking. And then I put it down and do other stuff, but in my head I already know I'm going to. And it's not even a question any more. I was in bed, debating whether to get back out of bed and use porn, and a large part of me didn't want to. I knew it was my addiction talking, that I just FELT like I needed this. But another part had its mind made up. And then I just wanted to get it done as soon as possible so it would be behind me. I felt that if I didn't do it tonight, I'd just do it the next morning, and then I'd have to deal with the fallout and start my recovery period then, as opposed to getting it over with tonight. It's all just fake. It's a mental block I'm putting there myself to stop myself from making progress.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I've been stuck in a once-a-day loop for quite a while now. It's ridiculous. I also began to fix my sleep schedule but now it's back to shit again.

I just relapsed. Right now, I'm feeling too tired to write more, but I wanted to check back in over here just to signal that I'm not giving up, ever.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I relapsed once again last night, as well as a few days prior.

Sometimes, it's like, I get the urge to, and I start looking. And then I put it down and do other stuff, but in my head I already know I'm going to. And it's not even a question any more. I was in bed, debating whether to get back out of bed and use porn, and a large part of me didn't want to. I knew it was my addiction talking, that I just FELT like I needed this. But another part had its mind made up. And then I just wanted to get it done as soon as possible so it would be behind me. I felt that if I didn't do it tonight, I'd just do it the next morning, and then I'd have to deal with the fallout and start my recovery period then, as opposed to getting it over with tonight. It's all just fake. It's a mental block I'm putting there myself to stop myself from making progress.
Yes, once you get the dopamine going, it gets very hard to resist. Keeping the dopamine to the minimum possible is a very important step. The addiction can be starved to death but when quitting, it is desperate to get fed by whatever means.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I just went a solid week, maybe 8 days, before relapsing tonight. That's better than I've done in a while, so I'm going to focus on the positive and work on my next streak being longer.

Part of me is skeptical that the "just focus on making a longer streak" method works in the long run, because it's assuming I will break the streak from the get-go. But maybe gamifying my recovery a little bit is okay. At least to build up confidence. I was having a great week, being around friends and getting through stress decently well. But it wasn't perfect. I wasn't keeping up with my routines or filling my time up with self-improvement. I was still lazy and un-conscientious. I was happy not to have relapsed, though, and then tonight my evil side got a hold of me and the good side couldn't fight me off. I just want to bounce back and keep focusing on improvement, and with that in mind I really need to go to bed right now.
 

Phineas 808

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That's better than I've done in a while, so I'm going to focus on the positive and work on my next streak being longer.

Part of me is skeptical that the "just focus on making a longer streak" method works in the long run, because it's assuming I will break the streak from the get-go. But maybe gamifying my recovery a little bit is okay. At least to build up confidence.

This had been my strategy, Jonazo, and it works! You have to 'gamify' the hell out of it, and take a win or success wherever you can find one. Even if one lapsed, "Well, at least I went 7 days!"- or, "At least I stopped when I did...", or whatever.

Then, always set your sights on the brightest star (going longer than your previous streak in this case), and go for it!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well, I had a really rough relapse today, which went on throughout the evening into the night and early morning (on and off), looking and edging for hours with two O's. The worst part of it was, at no point was I even slightly aroused. It was all addiction, no horniness at all. It was miserable but I felt I must continue and see it all the way through.

I just lack self-discipline. I don't know how to get around that. I'll never stop trying, but I really would like to see some more forward progress. I feel pretty damn depressed right now. But I just have to move forward and not look in the rearview mirror. What I'm in control of is only what I do next. One day will be the last day I ever look at porn. I want that day to be soon. Regardless of that, the only way I get there is if I do everything I can to get myself there. Ugh. I need to go to bed now. I know I can do better than this. That's the goal right now, is just to turn this ship around and start steering in the right direction again. I have to make the most of every moment that I'm thinking straight and use it to maximum efficiency. I hate this feeling. Good night, sorry this one was such a downer.
 
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