I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Very, very friggin close call tonight. For a while, I was determined to look at porn tonight. My phone died right as I was ready to find some material. And then, I pulled out my other phone (provided to me by my work). I'm not quite stupid enough to look at actual porn on it, but I trolled around youtube looking for something to trigger me as I took the dog out for a late walk. Somehow luckily, nothing's really doing it for me (although trust me, not for lack of genuine trying). I get back to the house and open up my computer, and I'm right there, ready with a porn site, the only thing in my way is the "Are you 18?" page. And somehow I make my way to this forum, just to buy some time. I don't know what to chalk it up to. I ought to throw God some thanks. I still feel silly, and a little embarrassed with myself. I did PMO just yesterday (1 time this week). And I willfully seeked out Yellow-light material tonight in an effort to trigger myself. But for now, I can get to bed without PMO and I am thankful for that. I just have to be vigilant now because I can feel myself being weak.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 6
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 1 day
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Good job, Jonazo, on pulling out and coming here instead! That's commendable. Good job, also, on only 1x PMO for the week. Let's go for 0, you deserve it.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay so it's been a full month. That's no good. Well here I am again. I just PMOd again this morning, which makes it twice this week. It feels as if I've made little to no progress throughout the whole time I've been actively aware of my addiction and trying to do something about it. The best I can convince myself to do now is to not mope about it, and get active and do the things I need to do. Right now, I'm awful tired, and pretty down on myself. This could go on forever if I don't do something about it.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Back again after too long of a stint. I used porn again today after being sure I could get through this week with only one incident. I think one of the most exhausting elements of trying to quit porn is the constant soul-searching. Am I a bad person? Why do I constantly engage in this behavior if I think it's immoral and disgusting? Why can't I get that "other me" out of my head?

I'm trying to, after a relapse, just jump into the most productive thing I can be doing at the time. If it's a late night relapse, that means going immediately to bed. This time, it was while I was working, so that means I have to really put in my A-game for the rest of my work shift. I'm still figuring out what works for me. I'm fighting against years building up habits of complacency and laziness.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Man, I am so sick and tired of failing myself and not living up to my potential. I feel myself sliding back again. Porn is disgusting and I hate it. But it seems like I'll never get over craving it. And I hate that about myself. It's ugly and it turns me ugly while I use it. I want to be innocent like I was as a child again. I wish I could forget about porn.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

STST

Active Member
“The greatest setback can lead to your greatest breakthrough. Trust and believe that all things are working together for your good. ”
― Germany Kent

“You become stronger, wiser, and more resilient each time you suffer a defeat. ”
― Germany Kent
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Man, I am so sick and tired of failing myself and not living up to my potential. I feel myself sliding back again. Porn is disgusting and I hate it. But it seems like I'll never get over craving it. And I hate that about myself. It's ugly and it turns me ugly while I use it. I want to be innocent like I was as a child again. I wish I could forget about porn.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
I know, man. I wish too that I could be that kid again who didn't know about this porn world. Since then, I've been a slave to this.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I PMOed Wednesday. But if I can make it through tomorrow, that will only have been once this week. Tonight I felt myself coming close. I haven't been perfect, I've noticed myself following up on slight triggers (a sexy pic I come across online, for example). I've seen more than a couple of you express the fact that not only porn, but the internet as a whole, and all the screens in our life, are all kind of connected as a sort of numbing agent. I feel that. It's so hard to give it all up. So far, I've been replacing with one thing or another (video games, weed, Twitter) and trying to as best I can teach myself restraint and discipline. I know I can't have a Twitter account, and honestly, I don't miss it. Even if you manage to avoid the xxx content on it, it's the worst. Full of negativity. I really do believe we were better equipped to lead more meaningful lives before the advent of the internet. Part of me just wants to become a technophobe and avoid all contact with the internet as much as possible. I honestly think it would be an improvement.

Even now, I can feel the pull. If not to PMO, then just to waste some time online, to veg out and numb my brain. Really what I ought to do is sleep. It's a constant struggle. Discipline is something really tough to self-teach but I want it so bad. It's like a real-life superpower, just the ability to say no to yourself. I've been trying to notice the little ways I've been able to say no to myself lately and give myself credit for those moments, even though my current W-L ratio is still in the negative. Progress really does feel amazing, even in the limited ways I have been. The hardest thing is consistency. I don't just have to say no to myself tonight, I have to say no to myself tomorrow probably 100 times and again the next day and the next. If I'm lucky enough to say no. But even if I give in 99 times and say no once, I need to feel that success. Man though. It is hard.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4?
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I'm at my fiancee's parents place this week on a halfway vacation (halfway because I still have to work remote for 4 days). Last night and again today, I've searched up porn images on my phone during idle moments at work. Last night I was able to eventually separate myself from it and stop, and I feel myself taking back control now again, but I've been wrong about that before..

Vacations from home are 50/50 for me in my experience. So far, I've been able to avoid close calls and enjoy the vacation. There have been times where the stress of travel and interacting with extended family has driven me to porn use. Other times, I'm having enough fun spending quality time that I don't even think about porn. I think the fact that I have to work on this trip is making me bitter and feel like I'm missing out on fun, so I'm thinking of porn as a way to "reward myself." But I'm stopping because, well, I mean, I know I don't like it and it won't make me happy.

But I need to treat these close calls the past few days as five alarm fires. Red alert. I need to be on high notice for any urges or negative feelings in general, and make sure to process them in a healthy way. But without punishing myself. I'm not happy with myself for looking at porn, and I have to recognize it as unacceptable behavior I should not repeat or allow myself. But on the other hand, I need to appreciate that I'm aware of myself enough to stop myself and reflect. Focus on the good and what I can control, which is the present.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Porn (no MO): 2
Current streak: 0 days without porn
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Just checking in because I'm trying to be better about posting here. It's dumb but I still get excited for the opportunities for redefining who you are at the beginning of a new year. I know it's possible at any time you want, but the "new year new me" mantra still makes me feel hopeful. Really every moment is an opportunity for change and teaching yourself better habits. Which is why I'm here now, to try and take this opportunity to do something I ought to be doing for my own sake.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Porn (no MO) this week: 2
Current streak: 1 day without porn
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Horrible day today with two relapses, basically a pornstravaganza. I don't know. It's all so familiar, the shame, the feeling pathetic and worthless, the trying to convince myself I'll be okay and I just gotta keep trying. This addiction sucks. I need to take it way more seriously.

I have to get back on my goals. That starts with fixing my sleep schedule, which I can still be in control of today if I get to bed pretty soon. Tomorrow is a new day.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 0
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I'm in the middle of a pretty bad rut right now, having PMOed daily at least once every day since Tuesday. I'm not in the mood to psychoanalyze myself over it right now, but I'm trying to build a habit of posting here daily. One of my minor successes last year is that I finally got myself into the habit of flossing almost every day (I still miss days, but I went from almost never flossing to flossing almost every night). I still don't like it, but I manage to convince myself it needs to be done every time I'm standing front of the mirror before bed. I aim to make posting here (as well as daily exercise and reading) like flossing. Just something that I eventually get used to doing every day, so that I notice it missing from my day if I don't do it. So that's why I'm here. On the porn front, I'm doing terrible and I feel bad about myself. But rain or shine, good news or bad news I need to post here and keep myself accountable. See you tomorrow.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 0
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 4
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Once again same pattern as the past few days. I've been fighting off urges with varying levels of success throughout the day (including looking at porn for a while and then closing it), and then eventually giving in and PMOing again. It's unacceptable that I'm still this helpless against my urges. Maybe helpless is the wrong word. It seems too passive. I'm choosing to look at porn and engage with it and search it up, again and again.

Not in a great place right now. I need to snap out of it. I'm trying to relentlessly focus on the present and what I CAN control, and what I CAN control is what I'm doing right now and what I do next. The tightrope walk of not beating yourself up while also not letting yourself off the hook is something I'm still figuring out. And not comparing myself to anyone else's journey but focusing on my own. I need to do a hell of a lot better. And now, not a few months from now.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 0
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 5
Current streak: 0 days
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@jonazo91
Hang in there buddy.
I just read a bit of your journal. One thing that helped me a lot was checking in to RN during the day as urges rise instead of just reporting in at day's end.
It helps to distract me while giving me support through rereading my journal or others.

Urges will pass within 15 mins as long as we can preoccupy ourselves elsewhere.

Good luck and keep at it!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
@jonazo91
Hang in there buddy.
I just read a bit of your journal. One thing that helped me a lot was checking in to RN during the day as urges rise instead of just reporting in at day's end.
It helps to distract me while giving me support through rereading my journal or others.

Urges will pass within 15 mins as long as we can preoccupy ourselves elsewhere.

Good luck and keep at it!
I'm struggling too, more than I'd thought. I don't have the same "stamina", the same mental strength or whatever I should call it, as during my last longer streak (20+ days) from October last year. But one thing I can agree for sure, urges really do pass. It happened to me today and yesterday. What could happen though, is that waves of urges could come more frequently and you might have to deal with them a lot more during the day but each wave goes away eventually. Probably one tactic to use during urges is to not interact with them. I know it sounds easier said than done but it's probably the best method, in my opinion. Other things work too but learning how to not give attention to urges until they pass is number 1.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The tightrope walk of not beating yourself up while also not letting yourself off the hook is something I'm still figuring out. And not comparing myself to anyone else's journey but focusing on my own. I need to do a hell of a lot better. And now, not a few months from now.

Not to sound too 'Matrix-like', but, There is no tightrope. The tightrope only tethers you to the addiction.

For one, there should be no beating up of yourself- AT ALL!

For another, there is no hook unless you purposely hang there.

You are right about not comparing yourself to others, because we each have our own journey. How you or I got to where we are today is for very specific and individual reasons that others just do not share. The physiology, the science of habit, all that's fundamentally the same, but the why's, how's, and our own inner dialogue are all our own.

As Escape said, the urges will invariably pass, especially if we don't do anything about them. But notice your thought process and the feelings behind when you're about to use, and realize that it's just the lower brain trying to get a dopamine hit. Brains just do what brains do. They try to protect us from bad feelings, but somewhere along the way we taught ourselves that P/MO makes us feel 'better' for the moment, and now the lower-brain tries to repeat that whenever we feel less than okay. But the higher-brain (cerebral cortex) can veto, cancel or override any signals to act out. All we need to do is 'nothing'. That's right, nothing. The urges will dissipate on their own. Sometimes they come in waves, but each time it's 'rinse-and-repeat'.

We become stronger and stronger when we let the urges pass without reacting to, without feeding or fighting them. And this takes practice, so if you lapse or fail, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and have loads of self-compassion and non-judgement, and go on again.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Not to sound too 'Matrix-like', but, There is no tightrope. The tightrope only tethers you to the addiction.

For one, there should be no beating up of yourself- AT ALL!

For another, there is no hook unless you purposely hang there.

You are right about not comparing yourself to others, because we each have our own journey. How you or I got to where we are today is for very specific and individual reasons that others just do not share. The physiology, the science of habit, all that's fundamentally the same, but the why's, how's, and our own inner dialogue are all our own.

As Escape said, the urges will invariably pass, especially if we don't do anything about them. But notice your thought process and the feelings behind when you're about to use, and realize that it's just the lower brain trying to get a dopamine hit. Brains just do what brains do. They try to protect us from bad feelings, but somewhere along the way we taught ourselves that P/MO makes us feel 'better' for the moment, and now the lower-brain tries to repeat that whenever we feel less than okay. But the higher-brain (cerebral cortex) can veto, cancel or override any signals to act out. All we need to do is 'nothing'. That's right, nothing. The urges will dissipate on their own. Sometimes they come in waves, but each time it's 'rinse-and-repeat'.

We become stronger and stronger when we let the urges pass without reacting to, without feeding or fighting them. And this takes practice, so if you lapse or fail, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and have loads of self-compassion and non-judgement, and go on again.
That's very good explanation. And that was something that I'd wanted to say for some time but I felt that people would not like it because it sounded too easy: When urges come, you actually don't have to do anything. Do nothing. Give them 15 minutes, like Noah Church says in one of his videos about being tempted by a trigger and experiencing crazy urges. I guess it comes from too many people giving advice about how to deal with urges (on various forums, Youtube etcetera) by saying do push-up, take cold showers, start doing something, focus on something else but the truth is that we need a way to deal with urges when none of those things can be done for whatever reason. And I think waiting for the urges to pass is one of the best things to do, for me recently has become the best. Not that I'm very good at doing it but I believe that for me it's the number 1 best tactic/tool.

As you have pointed it out very well, the problem comes with the things that we tell ourselves when the wave of urges is going on, or rather probably better said, what the "addicted me" tells me, what the addicted brain, the beast as the book "Rational Recovery" calls it. The addicted brain tries to tell you why during this wave of urges it would be a great idea to PMO. But the addicted brain is a chameleon. It blends with the environment. If you refuse to go straight to the most hardcore type of Porn and PMO session you usually engage in, it tries to make you give it an inch to take a mile, it makes you mess with the smallest, lightest thing you can think of ("Just take a look at some pictures for 5 minutes") because that sparks the dopamine and once the dopamine gets going, it pushes you towards the maximum. You will eventually get to watch and do your regular session. That's why I liked to advice "Dopamine management", because it's better to not get the dopamine wild to begin with. And this goes very well with the "wait until the urges pass" thing. You wait until they pass while practicing dopamine management and dopamine management comes from avoiding to give attention to porn thoughts, flashbacks and of course, no actual peeking at anything.

Peace ✌️
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Today was a pretty good day over all: I exercised, cooked twice (trying to get better about cooking rather than ordering out) and helped my fiancee take down our Christmas tree. I also worked, which was just okay, and I did peek at some orange-light material for a few minutes and had a few other urges that came and went. But I stopped myself and didn't take it very far. I'm gonna take the day for what it is. I did view some material today that I shouldn't have, but I stopped myself pretty quickly for once. I'm gonna try to get to sleep pretty soon and close out the day on a gift note. I'm weirdly excited take on this addiction, even though it's already been so long of a struggle. I'm still optimistic, because I know I won't give up.

Thank you Phineas Escape and Take action for checking in and giving some awesome words of encouragement. You guys really do help a lot. I will try to incorporate coming here when I'm bored throughout the day and would usually end up somewhere else. And doing nothing.. I think I can handle that. The urges will pass, they always do.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 0
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 5
Current streak: 1 days
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
And I think waiting for the urges to pass is one of the best things to do, for me recently has become the best. Not that I'm very good at doing it but I believe that for me it's the number 1 best tactic/tool.

Exactly, Escape! What I like to refer to also, which is the same thing really, is 'practice the pause'. Say I'm tempted to fire up a browser, if I just wait a little while first, maybe look at some puppies on Instagram (joking), or whatever, then I realize that the temptation doesn't have the same urgency as it did before. I realize that, 'You know what? I'm gonna be alright if I just don't do anything right now, and maybe go to sleep- or go about my day'.

The thing to get away from is the whole will-power approach, what I call 'old paradigm'. And, like you said, that may not be popular, because everyone is about 'doing something', engaging this thing on the battlefield, when that's what feeds the damn thing. There was some movie a while back about Merlin the magician (not the series), but in fighting some evil and powerful witch-queen, he realized that if he simply ignored her she would lose power; that she actually gained power when attention, even negative attention, was given to her...

That sounds too easy, right? 'Easy-peasy'? But if you want to get 'light-years' ahead of this thing, simply be where it is you want to go, and let the chips fall where they may- your personal health is too important to waste years fighting this thing in the old conventional ways.
 
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