I missed my posting last night because I was busy relapsing. I had 2 PMOs yesterday, one soon after I woke up, and again late at night, that turned out to be an extended binge. Why? That's the big question. It wasn't a particularly stressful day. I just can't seem to get a rhythm going. Last night, I pulled up porn on my phone (again, why?) but then went to bed and had plenty of time to think about the why, before getting out of bed and finishing my session. Why? I just felt I needed to finish. I wasn't happy about it, I wasn't excited or titillated. I just felt it needed to happen.
Quitting porn seems like it should be so simple. Just don't do one specific thing. If you feel like doing it, just remember that you want to stop doing it. And then don't. Do anything else instead.
I need to stop making excuses for myself. There's something I'm afraid of that's stopping me, and I need to face it directly and move on. I think it's really time to talk with my fiancee about this. I don't know how to broach the subject, but I do know she'll be supportive and understanding once we do talk about it. I just don't want to put the burden of my recovery on her. I don't want her to have to think about my perversions and my weaknesses. But there's the fear in it. The power of shame. I'm scared to have to tell her if I look at porn again, and what kinds of follow up questions she might have. I'm scared in the first place of the whole "sitting her down for a serious conversation" where her mind will be racing toward worst case scenarios. But the fear and shame are trapping me right now and I want to be free. I just don't know how to bring it up.
In the short term, I'm focusing today on being productive and active today, and getting myself in a better head state. I feel.. Okay, mood-wise, right now, surprisingly. Disappointed with myself but still in the fight. I'm not giving up, in any case. My somewhat longer term goal is to work up the nerve to talk about this with my fiancee, and figure out a good time and way to bring it up. And other than that, to finish out this week strong and focus on making February a better month than January.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days