Well unfortunately it didn't stick and I ended up continuing the relapse to MO anyway. I tried to reflect for a while on how I felt afterward. Mostly I felt shame and embarrassment, of course.
I'm trying to make sure I have a more rigorous approach to post-relapse, from now on. I don't want to just accept it and move on. Of course, I know dwelling in shame and embarrassment isn't good, but I need to stop and seriously reflect after any relapse and think about what led to it, my emotional state before, during and after.
What led to my relapse? How was I feeling leading up to it?
One thing I can say is I haven't been in control of my sexual thoughts and urges. The new job I got has me commuting to work downtown, after years of working from home, and I'm seeing a lot more women in a given day than I had before, and I've been letting my eyes roam with abandon. Now it's funny because part of me thinks I "deserve" this freedom, that noticing a woman's beauty is a natural thing and there's nothing wrong with it as long as I don't leer. But the reality is, I'm still mired deep in porn addiction and my thoughts and my "noticing beauty" aren't the healthy kind and I know damn well they aren't. I've been using the fallacy that as long as I'm not watching porn, I can allow myself relatively innocent glances. But it's still firing up the same part of the brain, and clearly, it's not leading to success. So I'd been in a semi-lustful state of mind throughout the whole day already. Add onto that just run of the mill boredom of work, which has always been a very strong trigger for me.
How did I feel during the relapse?
Part of me already felt quite ashamed, especially after writing on here in a way that made it seem like I was past the worst of it already. I just kept daring myself to look again and eventually I gave in. Relapsing really is a pretty miserable experience.
How did I feel after?
Ashamed, embarrassed, like I felt the people around me could tell what I had done. I tried to force myself to sit with the feeling for a while afterward, not necessarily as punishment, but because I have a habit of going on my phone and distracting myself after a relapse usually, to soften the blow and avoid those negative emotions. I think it's necessary for me to feel those feelings, and maybe even to lean into them, rather than deflect them.
How will I respond? What am I doing now?
Well unfortunately, one thing I didn't do was stick to my plan to exercise. That's a miss. My fiancee wanted to hang out and play video games, and I forgot all about my plans, I think partly out of guilt (I wanted to do what she wanted to do because I let her down).
I need a plan for next time I have urges. I think the main thing is to get away from my phone at the first sign of urges and take some deep breaths and be mindful of my emotions. Of course, saying so now is easy and putting it into motion when the time comes is another story. But I at least need a plan in mind.
PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days