I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Had another setback yesterday, after a fair amount of talking online about the addiction/recovery process. All I can guess is that my brain likes to "act out" sometimes when it feels threatened by self-reflection. I'm able to get a few days by just not thinking about it, but trying to analyze what's going on in my head sometimes leads to triggering thoughts. I'm trying now to get right back on track and keep trucking. I don't think the answer is to not be mindful or aware of what's going on in my brain.


PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay well I had another setback today after peeking at porn throughout the whole day. In some ways it seems like I haven't made any progress at all and maybe that's true. Or maybe it's not. But I know that journaling can only help and not hurt, so I'm here journaling. I'm very tired and frustrated with myself so I'm not going to make this one super long. The only thing that makes sense to do right now is journal, because a relapse that I hold myself accountable for and come clean about (at least to someone) is marginally better than a relapse that I keep a secret. I'm still learning about recovery and I'm going to have to actually apply myself to it instead of waiting for it to happen to me.


PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Trying to check in more frequently again. After the slip-up Friday night/Saturday morning, had a better weekend including some nice times with my fiancee. This is or will be day 2. I'm going to try to start committing myself to some basic recovery related activities every day, such as meditating and exercise. These will apply whether or not I've had a P relapse that day. I did exercise yesterday after almost 2 weeks off, and that felt good. I want to commit myself to 10 minutes meditation to start with every day. Doesn't have to be fancy. My Brainbuddy app thing comes with guided meditations so I'm going to start with those.



PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Trying to stay intentional about my reboot/recovery, instead of just getting lucky with less urges for a few days in a row. I missed my meditation yesterday and I didn't formally exercise but I walked a lot of my commute and actually felt pretty tired. I got to bed a little later than I ought to as well. But I feel okay today if a little tired. I got in some meditation at lunch today and am feeling okay, pretty good. Recovery takes focus and sustained commitment, two things I've historically not been great at. But there's only one way to do it, so I'm going to have to find it in me! It'll be good to start honing those skills anyway.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
And just like that.. The dreaded partial relapse. I had the slightest of triggers (basically saw something online that reminded me that porn exists, although not triggering in its own right in any way) and went a decent way down a hole. Viewed explicit material, and even began some M, before being interrupted and stopping. And then waiting a little bit and peeking again. And then stopping again and peeking again.

I say dreaded partial relapse because I've been here plenty of times and it's usually led to an eventual full relapse not much later. The feeling that I've already failed and might as well go all the way, the craving to keep "enjoying" what I was just looking at.. That feeling that I woke up a part of my brain that won't go to bed again until I give it what it wants.

In a way, I guess this is good. I mean, not as good as if I just hadn't relapsed at all. But I'm going to have to learn to get past this feeling. So I'll reset my clocks and counters and everything, fine. But now the challenge is to get right back on the horse as if I had gone all the way. It's just the convincing myself I'm already done, I've "had my fun" so to speak that's always a challenge. But this whole thing is challenge. I feel down. Because I messed up. And I feel unsatisfied, because I blueballed myself. Usually all this is a perfect recipe for a full relapse. But this time I just have to deal.

It's funny, one of my addiction related "fantasies" or fallacies, I don't know what really to call it, is that one day I'll give porn the perfect sendoff with a truly AMAZING session, after which I'll be able to say goodbye to it for good. This must be common among addicts of all kinds, I'd imagine. "Oh, I know I should stop drinking, but first I'll have one last crazy night out that will feel like the old times when drinking was FUN, and then I'll be ready to quit." Same here. I'm chasing that perfect porn session that I had when I was a teenager, where I watch all the scenes (or maybe just that ONE scene) that really blew me away and felt like I was really having sex with the performer! Or something. And then I'll be able to say goodbye. Of course that's all bullshit and I know it. Really every session is just a little sadder than the last one, and that's the only trajectory I'll ever be on with porn.

But that's the same fantasy that makes me think that no way an interrupted, half-finished session that just ends in shame and disappointment without even the release, can truly be my LAST session. I need to at least finish and then "start fresh." I'm still searching for something that isn't there.

So yeah this is day 0 again, I can't pretend I didn't just do what I did. But I'm really hoping I learn something from it and be content with it as my last session.

PMO last week: 3
PM this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
If you seriously have blue balls, try cold water. If that fails, try sitting in warm water. Both reportedly give relief.

Glad you can see through the addict brain's flimsy rationalizations!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well unfortunately it didn't stick and I ended up continuing the relapse to MO anyway. I tried to reflect for a while on how I felt afterward. Mostly I felt shame and embarrassment, of course.

I'm trying to make sure I have a more rigorous approach to post-relapse, from now on. I don't want to just accept it and move on. Of course, I know dwelling in shame and embarrassment isn't good, but I need to stop and seriously reflect after any relapse and think about what led to it, my emotional state before, during and after.

What led to my relapse? How was I feeling leading up to it?

One thing I can say is I haven't been in control of my sexual thoughts and urges. The new job I got has me commuting to work downtown, after years of working from home, and I'm seeing a lot more women in a given day than I had before, and I've been letting my eyes roam with abandon. Now it's funny because part of me thinks I "deserve" this freedom, that noticing a woman's beauty is a natural thing and there's nothing wrong with it as long as I don't leer. But the reality is, I'm still mired deep in porn addiction and my thoughts and my "noticing beauty" aren't the healthy kind and I know damn well they aren't. I've been using the fallacy that as long as I'm not watching porn, I can allow myself relatively innocent glances. But it's still firing up the same part of the brain, and clearly, it's not leading to success. So I'd been in a semi-lustful state of mind throughout the whole day already. Add onto that just run of the mill boredom of work, which has always been a very strong trigger for me.

How did I feel during the relapse?

Part of me already felt quite ashamed, especially after writing on here in a way that made it seem like I was past the worst of it already. I just kept daring myself to look again and eventually I gave in. Relapsing really is a pretty miserable experience.

How did I feel after?

Ashamed, embarrassed, like I felt the people around me could tell what I had done. I tried to force myself to sit with the feeling for a while afterward, not necessarily as punishment, but because I have a habit of going on my phone and distracting myself after a relapse usually, to soften the blow and avoid those negative emotions. I think it's necessary for me to feel those feelings, and maybe even to lean into them, rather than deflect them.

How will I respond? What am I doing now?

Well unfortunately, one thing I didn't do was stick to my plan to exercise. That's a miss. My fiancee wanted to hang out and play video games, and I forgot all about my plans, I think partly out of guilt (I wanted to do what she wanted to do because I let her down).

I need a plan for next time I have urges. I think the main thing is to get away from my phone at the first sign of urges and take some deep breaths and be mindful of my emotions. Of course, saying so now is easy and putting it into motion when the time comes is another story. But I at least need a plan in mind.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Well unfortunately it didn't stick and I ended up continuing the relapse to MO anyway. I tried to reflect for a while on how I felt afterward. Mostly I felt shame and embarrassment, of course.

I'm trying to make sure I have a more rigorous approach to post-relapse, from now on. I don't want to just accept it and move on. Of course, I know dwelling in shame and embarrassment isn't good, but I need to stop and seriously reflect after any relapse and think about what led to it, my emotional state before, during and after.

What led to my relapse? How was I feeling leading up to it?

One thing I can say is I haven't been in control of my sexual thoughts and urges. The new job I got has me commuting to work downtown, after years of working from home, and I'm seeing a lot more women in a given day than I had before, and I've been letting my eyes roam with abandon. Now it's funny because part of me thinks I "deserve" this freedom, that noticing a woman's beauty is a natural thing and there's nothing wrong with it as long as I don't leer. But the reality is, I'm still mired deep in porn addiction and my thoughts and my "noticing beauty" aren't the healthy kind and I know damn well they aren't. I've been using the fallacy that as long as I'm not watching porn, I can allow myself relatively innocent glances. But it's still firing up the same part of the brain, and clearly, it's not leading to success. So I'd been in a semi-lustful state of mind throughout the whole day already. Add onto that just run of the mill boredom of work, which has always been a very strong trigger for me.

How did I feel during the relapse?

Part of me already felt quite ashamed, especially after writing on here in a way that made it seem like I was past the worst of it already. I just kept daring myself to look again and eventually I gave in. Relapsing really is a pretty miserable experience.

How did I feel after?

Ashamed, embarrassed, like I felt the people around me could tell what I had done. I tried to force myself to sit with the feeling for a while afterward, not necessarily as punishment, but because I have a habit of going on my phone and distracting myself after a relapse usually, to soften the blow and avoid those negative emotions. I think it's necessary for me to feel those feelings, and maybe even to lean into them, rather than deflect them.

How will I respond? What am I doing now?

Well unfortunately, one thing I didn't do was stick to my plan to exercise. That's a miss. My fiancee wanted to hang out and play video games, and I forgot all about my plans, I think partly out of guilt (I wanted to do what she wanted to do because I let her down).

I need a plan for next time I have urges. I think the main thing is to get away from my phone at the first sign of urges and take some deep breaths and be mindful of my emotions. Of course, saying so now is easy and putting it into motion when the time comes is another story. But I at least need a plan in mind.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Shame is counterproductive.

Binges are more harmful than relapses, and slow recovery.

GL!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Shame is counterproductive.

Binges are more harmful than relapses, and slow recovery.

GL!
Yeah I guess I didn't mean I wanted to stew in shame, as much as I just wanted to acknowledge and feel the feelings I was having after relapse, rather than run from them. I do try my best not to beat myself up after a relapse, but I think it's possible I'd been going a little too much in the other direction by running to a distraction to avoid thinking about it at all.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had some relapses earlier this week. Saturday night/Sunday morning after a night out drinking with a friend. I started a long post the next day but didn't have time to finish it and ended up deleting it. And again in the middle of my work day on Monday. I've gotten a little back on track since then but want to acknowledge that I've been avoiding posting here because it's a bummer to post about relapses/setbacks.

I'll try to briefly journal my feelings and state of mind that led up to these. The one after a night of drinking is part of an ingrained habit I've picked up of PMO after a night out. It was like I felt I "deserved it" as a sort of nightcap because it's how I've habitually ended that kind of night. I don't think I have a drinking problem, but if I can't break that relationship between drinking and PMO I'll have to reconsider my drinking habits as well. I did try to hold off. I felt it coming on and tried to let it pass, but the urge outlived my will. Monday's setback was I think brought on by a mixture of lack of sleep and a little bit of stress. Also some of the chaser effect and shame lingering from Saturday night.

I've been trying to keep consistent with practicing mindfulness, which I have been able to most days. Exercise not so much. I really need to get to a rhythm where I get home and before I get into "relaxation mode" I get in a quick workout first.

Right now though, my fiancee's dad is staying with us for the next few days so there's definitely going to be a change of rhythm there while we entertain. It'll be a little stressful but also hopefully pretty fun. I get along with him pretty well and he's a great man. So I'm mostly looking forward to it. But there's always stress with a change in situation.

Trying to focus on staying grounded and aware of my emotional state. Also trying to stay focused and intentional with my recovery efforts and not slack off, while also not becoming obsessive or too emotionally attached to my success or failure, if that makes sense.

PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 2 days
 
Last edited:

logicprox

Well-Known Member
This is 100% an opinion and not right for everyone, but I personally find it much easier to maintain a morning workout habit than an evening one. This is because if I do it at night it's subject to the whims of when I am getting home or finishing up the other activities of the day. If it's first thing (technically I brush/floss/mouthwash, post here, then meditate THEN exercise but whatever) it's far less likely that something will stop me from getting to it. Research does indicate that people who do it in the morning are more consistent on average.

Certainly not saying you must, and plenty of people are successful doing it at night. Just something to think about.

I feel you on the PMO after night out thing. That's been one of my downfalls too. Some things that I think helped me:

1. Mindfulness training. I am not saying I did it after a night out, I mean more that doing it every single day actually did strengthen my mind's ability to be aware of what is happening internally, what is triggering me and why, and why using PMO at that moment wouldn't make sense.

2. Making a plan in advance for what I would do if I got home and wanted to use. Things like finding somewhere I could go and wait to sober up without being able to use PMO, like a public place or something. Interestingly I have never had to actually do it but I think the act of making that plan let my mind know i was serious about not using.

3. Going straight to bed when I got home. Took some magnesium to help fall asleep and read a book.

My solutions may not be yours, just some ideas. It's a tough puzzle to solve but it's solvable. It definitely is less of an issue as you put your last PMO further and further behind you too.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
This is 100% an opinion and not right for everyone, but I personally find it much easier to maintain a morning workout habit than an evening one. This is because if I do it at night it's subject to the whims of when I am getting home or finishing up the other activities of the day. If it's first thing (technically I brush/floss/mouthwash, post here, then meditate THEN exercise but whatever) it's far less likely that something will stop me from getting to it. Research does indicate that people who do it in the morning are more consistent on average.

Certainly not saying you must, and plenty of people are successful doing it at night. Just something to think about.

I feel you on the PMO after night out thing. That's been one of my downfalls too. Some things that I think helped me:

1. Mindfulness training. I am not saying I did it after a night out, I mean more that doing it every single day actually did strengthen my mind's ability to be aware of what is happening internally, what is triggering me and why, and why using PMO at that moment wouldn't make sense.

2. Making a plan in advance for what I would do if I got home and wanted to use. Things like finding somewhere I could go and wait to sober up without being able to use PMO, like a public place or something. Interestingly I have never had to actually do it but I think the act of making that plan let my mind know i was serious about not using.

3. Going straight to bed when I got home. Took some magnesium to help fall asleep and read a book.

My solutions may not be yours, just some ideas. It's a tough puzzle to solve but it's solvable. It definitely is less of an issue as you put your last PMO further and further behind you too.
I bet you're 100% right about a morning workout having a better chance of consistency. But for now it's enough of a challenge for me to get up with enough time to shower and get dressed and out of the house for work on time, lol. Not really a good excuse I guess, but I think I need to ease into being that much of a morning person still for a little while. But I will take the advice in mind and work on implementing it eventually.

When I had the urge that night, I did feel a little bit of my mindfulness training kicking in for a minute, I recognized the thought as a familiar one and tried not to judge it too hard and just wait it out. But it was weak, I guess and didn't hold me through. It's a process, I know. It was interesting still to be able to kind of recognize the thought pattern for a while, even though I didn't ultimately succeed in stopping it.

Last night I stayed up late and played video games, which used to be a lot more common of an occurrence before I got this morning job. Afterward, I felt some urges and did even chase them down for a bit. I briefly viewed some explicit images. But somehow luckily I was able to just say "stop, no" and just change course and go to bed. I've been in this situation plenty of times (including the stopping myself and going to bed) and often it ends in a relapse the next day. This time, hopefully, feels a little different. A lot of times when I stop at night, my mind is already in full porn zombie mode and it's more of a "holding off until tomorrow" than a mental changing of course. This time, either I stopped it early enough or I just didn't let myself sink far enough in and just leaned into what I ought to be doing instead. Right now, my fiancee is out for a few hours and I'm home alone with nothing specific to do, which historically means I'd be looking at porn right now, no question. I do feel a slight inclination to. So I'm going to come up with a plan for what I'm going to do with the next few hours while she's out instead of leaving it up to chance.

1. Do 10-15 minutes of meditation.
2. Try to take an hour nap. I got to bed late and could catch up on some sleep.
3. Work out.
After that, I can relax for a little while, it is Sunday after all. And she'll probably be home soon by that point anyway.





PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 3 days no PMO. But did briefly view P last night/this morning.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
So, very shortly after I wrote that above post, it all fell apart and I relapsed anyway. I'm noticing a little bit of a pattern where I relapse shortly after a post on here, either because I'm already made up somewhere in my mind to do it, or because the self sabotage part of my brain enjoys making a liar out of myself by contradicting what I say on here and setting myself up for the embarrassment of admitting I relapsed after coming on here and saying I wouldn't.

Now, I can't fall asleep anyway, my fiancee is back, and I still didn't work out. On top of that I'm picking up the pieces from what I just did and trying to figure out what I need to do next and what I need to change. Damn.

Once again, what I do know is that being accountable and reporting my relapse is better than not. I don't want to be full of shame, but I am trying to fairly process how shitty I feel right now. I'm noticing that many of my relapses if not all come after a feeling that I somehow "deserve" the break from reality that porn will bring. Like it's just a way to unwind or decompress. Which I guess, in some ways, I have always treated it as.

I don't want to make this one super long, but I just couldn't bear the idea of some of you reading my last post and thinking "oh, good for him, he seems like he's getting on the right track" while really that wasn't the case. I'm still such a baby when it comes to this recovery process.

I'll check back in soon, hopefully with some better news next time.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Sunday was a rough one, the first half of it I kept peeking at porn again. But then I decided to meditate and for whatever it's worth, I was done peeking after that. And then I exercised, and the rest of my day was pretty good, although I stayed up later than I ought up have.

Yesterday was the first day in a while that I exercised for a second day in a row. I'm pretty sore today! But it's a happy soreness. I did skip meditating yesterday, which I'm not happy about but I'll get back on it today. I need to get more sleep. The first hour or two of my work days are being spent in a half-awake haze, which is bad enough on its own, but worse because I know from experience that I'm more susceptible to urges when I'm tired like this. But so far today, no real urges to speak of. But I'll stay on my Ps and Qs.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
P, no O: 1
Current streak: 1 day
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Let's keep a rockin' and a rollin'.

Feeling just ever so slightly off my guard today. I was more susceptible to my urges when it came to stuff like snacking on sugary foods and wasting my time with dumb stuff online. I also didn't meditate or exercise today. I was a little behind on sleep and still a little sore from my workouts a few days ago. So fine. But still, I did notice, I'm slipping a little bit, and that's no good. Going to try and get myself a decent night's sleep and attack tomorrow with a little more energy to stick to my guns and follow through with my routines. Easing up on my conscientiousness has definitely always been a slippery slope for me, so I need to course correct now. The good news is, I didn't look at any P. I did feel the slightest of urges tonight, and vague urges and sexual thoughts throughout the day. But nothing that I followed up on too heavy.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
P, no O: 1
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
9Once again after a post on here, only a few hours later I relapsed. Clearly I saw the warning signs. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to just go to sleep. I actually had the thought, "I'm only staying up so that I'm too tired to resist porn" and then I still did it. It was something like watching a train crash in slow motion.

So two things are going on now. I have the post-relapse emotional hangover, and sleep deprivation from staying up into the wee hours of the morning, for no reason. So today is very important to get right. I can't control every emotion that's going to go through my head today, and a lot of them are going to be no good. I can try my best to control my actions, and how I react to those emotions. So that's my mission today. Be on the up and up, make healthy and responsible decisions, and get a clean day under my belt again so I can be back on the path. It seems so simple. But it's the hardest thing for me.

PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
P, no O: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 
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