Becoming the person I need to be

[Not a Rabbi]

Hi everyone! I've decided to start a thread on here and keep it updated, in the interest of overcoming my PMO addiction through accountability.

I'm 25, and I've been struggling with PMO for at least 12 years. The whole time, I've been vaguely trying to stop, but I started taking it much more seriously and tracking my progress early last year. Since then, I've seen some success and my P use has seriously decreased; I've had 3 streaks of more than a month P-free, including one 87-day run. Recently, I realized that I need to completely quit PMO for at least 90 days, not just P. It's clear that PMO is negatively impacting my mental health, and a full reboot is necessary. Quitting MO has been really challenging for me; I recently achieved my longest run of no MO at just a week.

My main motivation for this journey is my mental health, which I'll get into more later, but there are more reasons. I am happily married and have been for almost a year now. As long as I'm off of PMO for at least a day or so, I'm able to have sex, but of course it gets better and easier the longer I abstain. While I haven't told my wife that I still struggle with porn, I have spoken with her about taking a break from MO and she thinks it's a good idea and is happy to support me. Another motivator for me is religion--I am a Modern Orthodox Jew, meaning that I am an observant Jew in many ways (keeping Shabbat and Kosher, etc.) while being engaged with the modern world. Jewish law is pretty firmly against PMO. I'm on a Jewish site for PMO addicts as well, but I like the scientific perspective as well and this site is far more active, so I'm going to use this thread also. I hope to share some insights from Jewish tradition that can be of use to people of all backgrounds. Feel free to ask me questions in here if you're curious.

Mental health has been a struggle for me since my teenage years. My official diagnoses are ADHD (inattentive type) and Bipolar II, though I don't know for sure if that's totally accurate. In any case, I struggle with symptoms including irritability, depression, anxiety, and inability to focus on a regular basis. I'm currently transitioning off of meds for the first time in 8 years as they aren't really helping--I see my mood improve when my I improve my habits (exercise, meditation, being productive at work, no PMO). I have a great therapist who supports my journey 100% and is very aware/educated on the issues with PMO. I suspect that many of my symptoms are triggered by PMO--I feel down, I PMO, then I feel down more often as my brain craves the PMO.

Finally, one of the big things about me is my powerful drive for self-improvement, and a strong image of the man I want to be. Needless to say, PMO is not part of that picture. I strive to be a motivated, productive member of society; a pillar of my Jewish community with a strong involvement in religious life; a good father and husband; and a well-balanced, calm person. My journey has already helped me move in this direction. I meditate almost daily now and have gotten decent at it, I attend synagogue more often, I've spent more time on my hobbies, I'm more productive at work, and I'm more attentive to and caring for my wife. Still, I know I have a ways to go.

I've had some strategies that are helping. This journey is also part of using my phone/computer less overall, so I've put my phone in grayscale, blocked most apps for 20 hours out of every day, and am keeping my phone out of my bedroom. I also quit all social media recently. I'm trying to read or listen to something about recovery from PMO addiction every day to keep me honed in on this goal. I will be updating this thread regularly and try to be as open and honest as I can. Today is day 1 porn free and day 0 MO free. Here we go...

 

[DavS]

How is it going? Sounds like you took several steps in the right direction.
One of the things I like about judaism is the focus on engagement in the real world, and your community, vs other religions more focused on the “here after”. I say this because porn is not only unreal, it’s destructive to our ability to function in the real world.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

How is it going? Sounds like you took several steps in the right direction.
One of the things I like about judaism is the focus on engagement in the real world, and your community, vs other religions more focused on the “here after”. I say this because porn is not only unreal, it’s destructive to our ability to function in the real world.

Thanks! Yeah, I think that one of the biggest things for overcoming PMO addiction is seeing its effects in the real world.

I have made strides for sure. I have far more porn-free days than days on which I use porn, in contrast to using every day, as used to be the case. I can see the difference in my mood, social interactions, and productivity. The goal going forward is to break free longer term, and hopefully my strategy now will be part of that.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Day 1 MO free, day 2 P free. I've been feeling irritable and generally off these last couple of days. But I have found using this forum helpful so far, so I'm hoping it will continue to help me refrain from PMO.

 

[DavS]

There is so much information and support to be gained here. It even helps to read about the pain and misery.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

2 days PMO free. I am hoping to share Jewish insights in this thread, so here's my first one--tonight begins Shabbat, the Jewish sabbath that runs Friday sundown-Saturday nightfall. For an Orthodox Jew like myself it's a time to rest, read, eat, visit with family/friends, and pray. This opportunity is opened up for me by the things that are forbidden, including using my phone/computer. As a result it's always a clean day from P, because I would never use my phone on it, and I don't really have urges. Interestingly, studies have been done of Orthodox Jewish cigarette smokers. Smoking is also not allowed on Shabbat, and the studies have found that compared to a secular control group, the religious smokers had much fewer urges on Shabbat. One of my goals is to try and apply a "Shabbat mentality," in which P is completely forbidden and there's no way I will use it., to the rest of the week. I think anyone can apply this idea, working toward a mental state where P is absolutely not allowed and it's not in one's nature to use it. The studies and my own experience show that we as humans have the tools for this.

 

[canguro]

Hey man, good luck on your journey and thanks for sharing some insights in jewish life =)

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Hey man, good luck on your journey and thanks for sharing some insights in jewish life =)

Thanks brother!
Day 3 Pmo free

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Unfortunately relapsed yesterday; I made an excuse to go around my phone blocker with predictable results. Lesson learned is: no excuses, never a reason to unblock my phone. I need to generally spend less time with my phone accessible. When I get home from work today I will put my phone in my home office instead of carrying it around the house in my pocket.

Day 1 PMO free

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Day 2 PMO free

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Day 4 PMO free!

I want to share this short, cool video from Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski. Rabbi Dr. Twerski, who passed away earlier this year, was a psychiatrist and Chasidic rabbi. He founded a rehab center and focused in his clinical career on addiction, and in recent years, began to speak and write about porn addiction. In this video, he addresses how pain/challenge is part of growth. I know that we have all felt pain as we go on our journeys of recover. This is part of the healing process. He has a lot of great videos like this one; I strongly recommend checking them out.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

This thread is quite interesting, thanks for the good read and thank you for being so concise. As for your relapse it is admirable that you were able to extract a lesson out of it. Looking forward to seeing some big numbers in this thread!

Thank you!

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Happy to report I'm at day 6 no PMO!

Yesterday began Selichot, which is the week-plus leadup to Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year and Day of Judgement. These days are marked by extra prayers centering around confession. repentance, and making resolutions for the new year. Needless to say, this is pushing me away from PMO, as well as encouraging reflection and self-improvement. I'm happy that I've been able to work on myself over the past year, and want to continue doing so. I have really seen good results, not just in my overall PMO addiction recovery but in my mental health, relationships, and general well-being from the following moves I've been making recently: 1) quitting all social media, 2) efforts to have more meaningful social interactions, 3) meditation/spiritual practice, and 4) reading. I strongly recommend all these tools to anyone looking to improve themselves.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Finally hit a full week no PMO. I've had much longer P-free streaks, but this is tied for my longest period of MO abstinence! Of course I plan to make it my longest streak ever by far. I actually had a very stressful night last night but managed to not MO; I successfully reminded myself that even if MO will temporarily relieve the stress, it will just come back stronger. I also went to the gym last night which was great. Today I went to synagogue--planning to make that a weekday habit--and cleaned up my place a bit. Now going to get some work done.

This morning I experienced what I'm pretty sure is "blue balls." This is actually the first time I've ever had it. Gonna take that as a good sign. Managed to mostly get rid of it with a little exercise.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Alright, so unfortunately I MO'd yesterday and this morning. I am happy that I made it almost 8 days, and that I'm still P-free (9 days!) but man, stopping MO is so hard.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Sorry to say I fully relapsed and binged PMO yesterday. Unfortunately I have been stressed from work lately, and the tipping point was my car breaking down yesterday morning. Was very depressed and couldn't take the strain. Needless to say I need to be working on handling stress better--I have tools like meditation, prayer, and exercise but when I'm deep in the darkness of depression it's so hard to tap into those.

In any case: now day 1 PMO free. Going to take Rchie99's suggestions into account too and work at this.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Alright, so sadly I binged PMO for a good chunk of last week. The week was terrible and stressful on its own, but the PMO kicked it into high gear, needless to say. I felt unbelievably low... I hated myself. I don't want to ever go back to that, and of course the absolute lowest I felt was in the hours after the relapses. I'm determined to stay far away from that.

I'm now at 2 days PMO free. Still somewhat in the pit of despair but slowly moving out of it. I have some major takeaways from the weekend. First, I cannot afford to take on unnecessary stress and grief--things like issues in my work, or my marriage, or my ongoing car problems, are not really avoidable, they can be mitigated but not completely evaded. Yesterday I went to a social gathering, completely of my own volition, where I knew I had to interact with someone I dislike and have had issues with in the past. Lo and behold, I felt on edge the whole time and ended up having an argument with the guy which resulted in me feeling shitty. I gained nothing from the gathering, except I learned that it was avoidable and I completely dropped the ball by 1) going in the first place and 2) letting my emotions get the better of me. From now on, I will not put myself into stressful situations without it being necessary or constructive.

Second, I have to focus on self-improvement; I can't afford to engage in anything self-destructive (PMO, wallowing in my emotions, staring at reddit for hours at a time) and I MUST prioritize activities that are part of my positive journey.

Finally, on a point related to my second point, I cannot waste my time. What this means to me is defined by the Jewish concept of bitul zman, literally "wasting time," and can be seen by defining what is NOT bitul zman. At the core of worthwhile use of time, for Jews, is our religious obligations, such as prayer, learning Torah, good deeds/charity, caring for my family, self-improvement, etc. But other things are absolutely necessary to support one's religious obligations by supporting well-being--certainly work, exercise, sleep, cooking/eating, cleaning, and so on are not wasted time in any way. Going even further, leisure activities that actually help "recharge" are also not wastes of time. Reading, playing guitar, drawing, socializing, even things like watching movies or playing video games (in limited doses), as long as they actually help me relax and recharge, are worthwhile uses of time.

Scrolling on my phone, dwelling on past mistakes, excessive media consumption, and obviously PMO are complete wastes of time. In terms of relaxing, recharging, and becoming a better man, these not only don't advance me but actually set me back. Tomorrow night begins Rosh Hashanah (Jewish new year)--so I'm honestly looking forward to two long days in the synagogue to pray, reflect on the year, and think about how I can make a difference in this next year.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Alright, 3 days no PMO. New year starts tonight and I am leaving PMO in year 5781! If anyone needs inspiration, just know that tonight is a new year, at least in one calendar... So it's a new, fresh start. Will update Wednesday night or Thursday, see yall then.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Holding strong at 7 days no PMO. Had a very nice and meaningful Rosh Hashanah. Unfortunately, yesterday was not as easy--been dealing with work stress--but still clean. I have some non-PMO related issues I want to discuss with my therapist on Monday, so that's a motivator for me to be 10 days clean by then!

 

[Not a Rabbi]

9 days no PMO! All time record for MO!!!

Honestly, last time I relapsed it hit me how awful I felt. Remembering that, combined with the new Jewish year, is I think really keeping me clean. Onwards and upwards.

Also, I've been enjoying this guy's youtube channel; this video in particular is great. Not directly PMO related, but the overstimulation is likely part of the root of our addictions.