Becoming the person I need to be

Not a Rabbi

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Alright, so I MO'd this morning--I ended up sleeping in as I was tired from a concert last night, and has some dead time. Still 10 days clean on P though. Needless to say I need to not have the dead time and nothing to think about besides MO, so my action plan is as follows:
  1. Earlier bedtimes so I can get up when my wife does, and head to synagogue instead of sitting in bed
  2. Focus on reducing screen time--just printed out an ebook called "Exiting Modernity" focused on living life with less stimulation/reliance on technology, going to read that and take its advice
  3. Redirecting fantasies--tonight I will work on my story/other creative recreation
On other notes, I do feel good overall. I went to an awesome concert last night (my first since before COVID) and had somewhat of a meditative experience via the music, so it's good to see my meditation practice paying off. Also I sincerely didn't give a fuck what people at the concert thought of me, which I've struggled with for a long time--I have no dancing ability whatsoever but I went hard and danced my heart out in front of everyone anyway, and 100% did not care what anyone thought. I also have finished transitioning off of my ineffective mental health meds, so that's a motivator to focus on recovery and positive lifestyle changes.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Day 11 no P. Day 1 no MO. Yesterday was kinda stressful & chaotic but productive. Gonna fix that in the coming days by getting organized now--updating my planner to start.
 

Not a Rabbi

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So tomorrow night is the beginning of Yom Kippur, among the most serious of Jewish holidays. We fast, spend most of the day in prayer, and focus on atonement and forgiveness. If you walk into any Orthodox synagogue on this day, you will see a lot of guys wearing these robes over their suits:
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This is called a kittel. There are many reasons to wear it on this day: the white garment symbolizes purity, it resembles the clothing of the High Priest of ancient times, it's a special garment for the holy day. But one reason stands above: the kittel has another use--it's a burial shroud. It's dark for sure, but we're all gonna die someday. I find a lot of power in wearing the kittel, and in my opinion the reminder of inevitable death is helpful to recovering from PMO. I only have so much time on this earth, and I don't want to spend it destroying myself.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Back from a meaningful Yom Kippur. Feeling strengthened to live my life well, I went to the synagogue AND the grocery store this morning and it's not even 9!!!

2 WEEKS clean from P, 2 days clean from MO. Finding keeping off of MO difficult--I somehow got this far in my journey without learning about the chaser effect, which I'm going to consider going forward--I've now realized that all my MO relapses are the day after having sex, so I will need to address that.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Hi all, it's been a while. I was pretty disappointed in myself--I didn't even make it 24 hours after Yom Kippur before relapsing and binging. Luckily I have been clean on P for a week now, but MO has been harder; I'm on just day 1 of that. Today I am also resolving to get back on my good habits: the last week has been one of phone overuse, not working out, not getting enough sleep, and not even taking my vitamins or journaling consistently. Honestly I'm lucky and grateful that I haven't had a full blown PMO relapse. Gonna talk to my therapist, then I'm off of screens/work for 2 days in observance of the Shemini Atzeres holiday. This is the end of the holiday season so it's crucial that I take this as a jumping off point for recovery.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Day 12 no P, day 2 no MO. I had some slight P urges yesterday, but other than that I've been mostly having an easy time keeping off P. MO remains difficult, some struggles with depression.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Despite lots of urges, Day 15 no P. However I've had very few days without MO lately, it's been incredibly hard. I realized that a part of me doesn't want to quit PMO, like I'm not 100% convinced I want to quit, maybe it's a self-destructive streak. Not sure how to overcome that. Gonna ask my therapist today, but if anyone has suggestions please share.
 

canguro

Active Member
Building up that determination is most important in the first weeks! Find what helps you to stay on track and don't loose your goal out of sight! For me really helping was reading the partners section to see, what loosers p makes us and who I don't want to be anymore. Also a great help in that way was noah b. e. Churchs Hypnotrance (on YT). =)
 

Not a Rabbi

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I decided to reset my streak yesterday afternoon. I didn't full-on PMO but I peeked enough that I feel it was bad enough. I am glad that I didn't actually MO while looking at P, but again, still counting it.

Also, going to start doing the 12 steps at my therapist's suggestion and will be updating my progress through that.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Bad P relapse on Friday, and then MO'd on Saturday. Day 2 PMO free now. Over Shabbat I was reading about the right ways for a Jew to act around sex--connecting with your partner, it's forbidden to fantasize about anyone else, do it for your partner and not to just satisfy your lust, etc. That and other learning I did helped me feel passionate about my religion and life, and so far I've done a good job of carrying it through my week. Still working on reinforcing that I must quit PMO for the part of me that doesn't want to, and working on the 12 steps too. Gonna see my therapist later and hopefully go over my step work.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Have you thought about your childhood, and the origins of the habit? Is there something you were trying to numb out when this started. These insights have played a big role in my journey. Good luck.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Have you thought about your childhood, and the origins of the habit? Is there something you were trying to numb out when this started. These insights have played a big role in my journey. Good luck.
Crazy enough, my therapist actually mentioned this today. Yeah, I think there is something there, especially in very early childhood, I know my parents were very stressed and it probably affected me. He said that PMO is basically for "comfort" that I may crave because of childhood troubles. Gonna be exploring that for sure!
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Crazy enough, my therapist actually mentioned this today. Yeah, I think there is something there, especially in very early childhood, I know my parents were very stressed and it probably affected me. He said that PMO is basically for "comfort" that I may crave because of childhood troubles. Gonna be exploring that for sure!
there are some good books that might help - the body keeps the score by Kolk, homecoming by Bradshaw.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Some struggles this week. I had a PMO relapse on Tuesday, while at work. Definitely a wake up call. I'm working on step one of the 12 steps still; my therapist encouraged me to get more specific with it. MO'd Wednesday and Thursday as well.

I also decided to take a full break from O, even from sex, for at least 30 days. I've had a really hard time with the chaser effect, and I think taking a break from O will help me rewire anyway. Previously thought I didn't need it since I am extremely fortunate to not struggle with PIED, but I gotta quit PMO no matter what.

One exercise I'm doing is writing my own obituary; a version if I died today, and a "fantasy" version where I pass away as an old man, having accomplished everything I wanted. This is a cool article about this exercise, with this incredible anecdote:

"Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was reading the newspaper one morning when, to his shock, he turned the page and discovered his obituary inside. It turns out that his brother had died, and the newspaper had published Alfred’s obituary by mistake. The obituary read, 'The merchant of death is dead.' It went on to say the following:
“Dr. Alfred Nobel, who became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before, died yesterday.”
Needless to say, Nobel was taken aback by the way in which the world was going to remember him after his death.

It’s believed that it was due to this shock that Nobel decided to set aside the bulk of his estate in order to establish the Nobel Foundation, which annually bestows international awards in recognition of cultural and scientific advances. Today, Nobel is not remembered as the merchant of death, but as the creator of the Nobel Prizes, and, consequently, as a great humanitarian. Having read his obituary while he was still alive gave him the opportunity to change his legacy."

Anyway, Day 3 P-free, Day 1 MO-free. Moving forward.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Some struggles this week. I had a PMO relapse on Tuesday, while at work. Definitely a wake up call. I'm working on step one of the 12 steps still; my therapist encouraged me to get more specific with it. MO'd Wednesday and Thursday as well.

I also decided to take a full break from O, even from sex, for at least 30 days. I've had a really hard time with the chaser effect, and I think taking a break from O will help me rewire anyway. Previously thought I didn't need it since I am extremely fortunate to not struggle with PIED, but I gotta quit PMO no matter what.

One exercise I'm doing is writing my own obituary; a version if I died today, and a "fantasy" version where I pass away as an old man, having accomplished everything I wanted. This is a cool article about this exercise, with this incredible anecdote:

"Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, was reading the newspaper one morning when, to his shock, he turned the page and discovered his obituary inside. It turns out that his brother had died, and the newspaper had published Alfred’s obituary by mistake. The obituary read, 'The merchant of death is dead.' It went on to say the following:

Needless to say, Nobel was taken aback by the way in which the world was going to remember him after his death.

It’s believed that it was due to this shock that Nobel decided to set aside the bulk of his estate in order to establish the Nobel Foundation, which annually bestows international awards in recognition of cultural and scientific advances. Today, Nobel is not remembered as the merchant of death, but as the creator of the Nobel Prizes, and, consequently, as a great humanitarian. Having read his obituary while he was still alive gave him the opportunity to change his legacy."

Anyway, Day 3 P-free, Day 1 MO-free. Moving forward.
you got it buddy! The first step to break the cycle is to understand what is driving you there, what are you trying to numb down, and what you want to accomplish authentically. The above excerpt and example is so apt. The exercise sounds very encouraging. Good luck.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Thankfully no P or serious P urges since my last update. I did MO on Friday but I've been clean since then; now 3 days MO-free and 6 days P-free. Hoping to complete Step One today so that I can keep moving forward with my recovery.
 

Not a Rabbi

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Still clean! Day 6 no MO, day 9 no P. Feels pretty good. Definite MO urges and almost MO'd this morning (right after I wake up is my most dangerous time). I'm really glad I didn't though, and am working on internalizing all the damage that PMO has done to me--my Step One work (now complete) involved me detailing pretty much every ill effect I've ever had from PMO, and there's a lot. Also trying to internalize that PMO saps my energy and I need to avoid it to have any success in life, as well as how even one O can lead me on a weeklong binge. I signed up for the gym as well and committed to 2 classes a week, which is keeping me active and busy.
 

Not a Rabbi

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MO'd this morning. Having trouble with resisting urges right after I wake up. I did make it 8 days though. And still clean on P, 11 days now. Been feeling somewhat depressed, probably because I haven't been sleeping very much. Gotta make that a priority and get out of this slump.
 

canguro

Active Member
How does it happen, that you MO in the morning? I never was someone who fapped in the morning, but I don't really understand it...in the morning I have a plan for the day in my head and have no time for fapping =D
I think that's important, to stand up and be in a productive mode instantly instead of standing up late, lying in bed awake or just be in a lazy mode. Maybe you want to try out cold showers in the morning, they instantly throw you in a state of high energy where you're fully awake.
 
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