Becoming the person I need to be

vidvan13

Active Member
I would also recommend writing down what thoughts are going on in your mind in the morning and before your relapse happens. While you battle through this, take the opportunity to record and observe. If you can learn from your relapses, it is not a loss - it is progress. Only when you understand the reasons (thoughts) and process(cues) behind it, you can start to unravel and replace them with something else. Countering addiction is primarily a self discovery process.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Thanks guys. I often lay in bed for a few minutes after waking up which is not ideal for many reasons. When I MO, I've been fantasizing in bed and I get up and quickly MO (no P) in the ensuite bathroom after my wife leaves the room to start eating breakfast. I really need to get out to breakfast when she does. I will definitely do some journal work to figure out why that time is often the most difficult for me, and how I can counter it. Maybe I'll tell my wife that I need to get out of bed when she does so she can maybe "shame" me a bit if I don't, lol.

Did also MO this morning, so back at day 0 for that. 13 days clean from P but I had some serious urges yesterday. Gonna plan out my day and talk to my therapist later. I'd also like to start a re-read of the Easy Peasy ebook, that's helped me before.
 

canguro

Active Member
I really like the idea of standing up with your wife for breakfast, do that! And also tell her, I think how you stand up is pretty important for the day and this could help you. =)
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Long time no update. I've gone thru some tough emotional times in my personal life lately, but really not interested in PMO and recognizing how harmful it is for me. Not really even checking my trackers much, but I'm at 3 weeks no P and 8 days no M which is pretty dope! Been trying to avoid my phone which is of course a huge trigger. I've largely had success cutting my screen time which helps a lot. Keeping busy w work, socializing, and torah study as well. Gonna keep this successful formula going.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Still some difficult emotional times, and some slight urges. However, I'm still able to recognize that I don't want to PMO, so I've stayed clean. Overall I've been developing overall resistance to things I would do compulsively; besides PMO, I've been able to avoid internet browsing and compulsive eating by recognizing that I don't really want to do it.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Pretty excited to say I am now 2 WEEKS clean of MO! Absolutely unreal. I have edged more than I would like, but I'm not counting it as relapses for now, just worried about actual O. I've been filling my time a lot better, with working out, going to Torah classes, and getting up right away in the morning. This has cut out a lot of my opportunities for MO.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Kind of wild--I'm now seeing some pretty significant shifts in myself. I don't know the last time I cried--I think it was when my cat died over 2 years ago. But today, on my longest clean streak in a while, in the car I cried listening to the classic song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, a song I've heard a million times. But it really moved me today. PMO was blunting my emotions and expression for sure. Also feeling more confident in general and more able to interact with random people--had a nice conversation with a cashier yesterday, which not long ago I would've avoided. Feeling good.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Kind of wild--I'm now seeing some pretty significant shifts in myself. I don't know the last time I cried--I think it was when my cat died over 2 years ago. But today, on my longest clean streak in a while, in the car I cried listening to the classic song "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac, a song I've heard a million times. But it really moved me today. PMO was blunting my emotions and expression for sure. Also feeling more confident in general and more able to interact with random people--had a nice conversation with a cashier yesterday, which not long ago I would've avoided. Feeling good.
The light has broken through. Life awaits you my friend.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Well, sadly I fully relapsed with P this morning. I'm pretty upset with myself to say the least. Basically, I was up late yesterday dealing with some wi-fi issues, didn't get enough sleep, and was frustrated when I discovered more issues this morning. I made a lame attempt at fixing them, got pretty angry and frustrated, ended up going on reddit and youtube, and predictably the stimulation activated craving for more, and you guessed it, I relapsed.

Not sure what my next move is, but I need to be strong enough that I don't fall into this crap when I'm struggling emotionally.

I just deleted youtube from my phone and got rid of my account. I have to totally pull away from mindless internet surfing, because I know it leads me down this path, and frankly, I don't need to access any of these time waster sites.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Well, sadly I fully relapsed with P this morning. I'm pretty upset with myself to say the least. Basically, I was up late yesterday dealing with some wi-fi issues, didn't get enough sleep, and was frustrated when I discovered more issues this morning. I made a lame attempt at fixing them, got pretty angry and frustrated, ended up going on reddit and youtube, and predictably the stimulation activated craving for more, and you guessed it, I relapsed.

Not sure what my next move is, but I need to be strong enough that I don't fall into this crap when I'm struggling emotionally.

I just deleted youtube from my phone and got rid of my account. I have to totally pull away from mindless internet surfing, because I know it leads me down this path, and frankly, I don't need to access any of these time waster sites.
Don't beat yourself up. Write about it, figure out what is leading you back. Find the pattern. Only you yourself can help you. Motivation is not going to get you out of this (because it goes up and down) a proper defense plan put into practice will. You are not lost till you stop trying. Believe me and believe in yourself. You have to give up control and trust the unknown of this journey and see where it leads you. Good luck my friend. We all will always stand with you in this journey. DO NOT GIVE UP.
 

canguro

Active Member
Find another way of dealing with stress! For me it's running.
But I don't agree with this "it just happened, now go on attitude" many here have. Second part yes, first no. If you take this too easy, your brain will start to think it is ok to relapse from time to time.
There are people here doing the same cycle of being clean a few days and then relapsing for I dunno how long...you don't want that obviously! No more relapses!
 
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Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Thanks guys. I'm feeling better today, and going to do some soul-searching as well as step work to overcome this. While I'm proud of my long clean streak, I recognize the need for action. Last night, I went to services (hadn't originally been planning to) and got a good opportunity for prayer and reflection. I also went ahead and removed all browsing capabilities from my phone, which was a pretty big step; came to terms with the fact that I don't need it and it's just distractions and triggers.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Had two more PMO relapses on Friday unfortunately. Started re-reading the Easy Peasy ebook in response. Combined with keeping myself busier, doing step work, and serious soul-searching, I will overcome this.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
You may feel down right now but you will rise again! You are not lost till you keep trying. Last time you said you will document the triggers, your thinking and actions you took after your relapse. How is that exercise going? What patterns do you see?

You also have to ask yourself, why you want to quit this habit. Unless it is for yourself, you will have little motivation to do it. This is an escape mechanism ingrained via your habits triggered by the cues. You need all the three aspects for this to work, I think - the desire to leave this for yourself by evaluating the deep cause of your escape, understanding the triggers accurately, and having an action plan for each of these triggers. The last one means you stop the triggers from escalating and fill your time with something else for the time being.

where do you stand on the three points? Look at your past relapses and document them. You will see a pattern and a way out. Never lose faith. You deserve a true life. You are worthy of love, friendship and connection.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Find another way of dealing with stress! For me it's running.
But I don't agree with this "it just happened, now go on attitude" many here have. Second part yes, first no. If you take this too easy, your brain will start to think it is ok to relapse from time to time.
There are people here doing the same cycle of being clean a few days and then relapsing for I dunno how long...you don't want that obviously! No more relapses!
Yes, I've been saying this around the forum: This could easily turn into a "Relapse/Restart" treadmill that will lead to nowhere just as a treadmill makes you run in the same spot. You could be doing this all your life while feeding yourself motivational things like: "This time I'm gonna do it, no more relapses, I mark the day and today November 14 I'm done with porn" only to relapse days later. A relapse is part of the process, okay, but it's best to be used like that in the beginning. While we want to get 2 years porn-free just like that after discovering porn addiction, the truth is that very few people achieve this. The rest of us will eventually relapse. But if you're here after 5 years of relapsing, you need to start seeing relapse like "Crashing is part of pilot training". There is no more need for us to relapse and we need to step on the pedal and become driven to overcome this. We need to take this extremely seriously and put up all the effort in staying relapse-free. Time flies. It's been 3 years of Reboot Nation for me already and 10 years of trying to quit porn + masturbation and I'm still not done. What does this mean? It means I'm doing this the wrong way. I even welcome the relapse in my life, I'm not fully set on never relapsing again. But all this needs to change, for me and for everybody who relapses too much. We need to be driven. This is hard work and we need to invest the hard work in doing it, we are not handed a porn-free life without effort.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Still need to do journal work to address the root cause of my struggle. I MO'd this morning, but still clean on P.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Hey man! No stress about the relapses. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Something I recommend is writing your entire journey with porn being in your life, from the first ever exposure to now - getting back in touch with what life was like as a non-user can put the addiction into perspective. I’d also love to read it.
I’m here for you man! Keep going!
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Hey man! No stress about the relapses. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Something I recommend is writing your entire journey with porn being in your life, from the first ever exposure to now - getting back in touch with what life was like as a non-user can put the addiction into perspective. I’d also love to read it.
I’m here for you man! Keep going!
Thanks brother! That's a great idea.
 
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