Becoming the person I need to be

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
40 whole days in a row without PMO!

I can confidently say that I really don't want to go back to PMO. These 40 days have been really tough in a lot of ways, but I've had so many improvements:
  • I used to be pissed off a lot of the time and would get frustrated easily with people close to me; now, I have a lot more patience.
  • My focus at work and on my religious studies has improved.
  • I feel more motivated to work towards my goals.
  • Sex has never been more fulfilling and satisfying.
  • I don't feel like a hypocrite; trying to be a holy person and a good person while consumed by lust for every woman I meet and contributing to the awful, exploitative sex industry really hurt.
  • I can feel God's hand on my life a lot more and feel more inspired and focused in my prayer.
  • I'm more confident and assertive, and can more eloquently speak my mind when needed.
  • My bipolar has gotten less severe.
Remember, this is after years and years of trying and failing. I don't feel like my time with relapses since I've been involved with RN and other recovery platforms has been a waste, though. I was recovering during that time too. Don't give up!
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
It's been a while--I did MO, once, 12 days ago. I learned from it, eliminating the triggers that led to it and making sure to lean on healthy habits (mainly guitar and lifting) as stress relief and I have been otherwise clean. Also 60 days porn free!
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
A thought on working out, which has been a key part of my recovery: It has to be something I genuinely want to do. After years and years, I finally enjoy working out--even looking forward to it! Part of how I have accomplished this is honing in on the immediate benefits, and how good I feel. Lately, I've been feeling anxious and stressed, so I keep dumbbells by my desk--when I feel off, I bust out some curls. I feel the benefit usually right away.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Sad to say that I failed hugely last week with a PMO relapse and today with MO. I really thought I was free, but this is continuing to be a huge struggle for me. I must get back to updating my threads for accountability and taking in information on a daily basis that will help me recover. This is not over, and my progress isn't gone. But, I need to use this as a wake-up call.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Not a Rabbi. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse. One bad day out of 70 days of freedom from porn is something to congratulate yourself on brother! I know it sucks to taste a momentary defeat, but it's just one day out of many. None of us would be here if this was easy. Learn from what made you relapse, which you seem to have done, and then get back up and keep on moving.

This is a "wake-up" call indeed. But I would suggest to focus on using the wake-up call in a positive way. You got this man!
 

canguro

Active Member
@Not a Rabbi
Hey man, you are still doing good! Don't slip on that relapse now, stand up and continue. The feeling of savety is so treacherous, the addiction is always lurking in the dark.
What made you relapse?
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Thank you guys--I've thankfully had 7 clean days, though I did MO once. I for sure have come a long way. 60-some days of no PMO would have been unthinkable even a year ago. The relapse was after a long buildup of stress, depression, anxiety, and slipping up on my good habits. I felt terrible afterwards. It only made these issues worse, and I can't afford to go back to it.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Relapsed again last Friday. Enough is enough, so I signed up for WebChaver (Jewish version of Covenant Eyes) which includes filtering. I pray that this will spell the end of my PMO addiction.

Really struggling with letting porn go. I hate to say it, but a part of me really likes the false comfort it offers.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Relapsed again last Friday. Enough is enough, so I signed up for WebChaver (Jewish version of Covenant Eyes) which includes filtering. I pray that this will spell the end of my PMO addiction.

Really struggling with letting porn go. I hate to say it, but a part of me really likes the false comfort it offers.
Your self reflection is to be praised.

"I hate to say it, but a part of me really likes the false comfort it offers" I can completely relate to this. Porn does bring a false comfort of sorts, but it's only temporary and never long lasting. But, you already knew this! Good job signing up for that filtering app, that's great to hear. The only failure in a relapse is when you don't stop and analyze the reasons why you went back to it.

You got this Not a Rabbi.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Still struggling, MO last night and M (without O) this morning. Thanks to the filter and accountability, I am much much less likely to use porn, but the urges to MO aren't going away. Still trying to overcome the unfortunate fact that I still kind of want to PMO.
 

forestwater

Member
Still trying to overcome the unfortunate fact that I still kind of want to PMO.
It may help to remind yourself of why you are on this journey in the first place. Does PMO make you happy? Does it make you a better person? When you look back on your life from your deathbed, will you be grateful for all the hours you put into it? Does it connect you more to your spirituality, your community, your values?

I imagine the answer to all of those is a resounding "NO".

My advice is, whenever you feel yourself craving PMO, turn the craving around on its head. Instead of thinking "I want this but I can't have it :(" rejoice in the fact that you have the opportunity to live a life free of the curse. Rejoice in your ability to choose a happier, healthier life for yourself, despite what this addiction tells you. And then go do something that is actually fulfilling in the long run, like hugging someone you love, or working out, or saying a prayer, and rejoice once again in your capacity to make good choices for yourself.

Good luck!
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Thank you for that incredible reply. It really helped me. I have written up a "centering statement," with answers to three questions: Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who must I not be? I intend to read it daily to stay focused on my journey, and regularly review my already written "Why do I want to quit?" and my first step work in which I identified the ways PMO has harmed me throughout my life.

10 days no P, 4 days no MO.
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Long time, no post. I'm in a bit of a difficult place now, but overall I've had good progress since my last post. I haven't seen porn in over 40 days and have greatly decreased by MO as well, though after going nearly a month without it I've binged the last few days and need to break out of the cycle.
 
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