So I broke myself. Time to reboot and hopefully rewire

[MissGuided]

Hi,

So, I’m a 42yo heterosexual female. Posting here rather than the ‘women’ journal forum just because of traffic really.

I’ve recently come to realise, and admit to myself, that I’m using porn every day to orgasm and constantly searching for more extreme genres to satiate me. As a result I not only find it very difficult to orgasm with my partner but I also can’t orgasm on my own without porn.

Rather cliched for an addiction, I didn’t think was a problem because I thought I could stop at any time.

But this weekend I haven’t been able to fully orgasm. I couple of half arsed orgasms. Not quite the full ticket. There’s been no porn because boyfriend has been here. To test myself I tried to make myself orgasm with no porn and couldn’t quite do it. Even with my vibrator.

So that’s been a fairly sober realisation to come to.

I started using porn about 4 years ago as a way to fill a void left by a sexless and abusive marriage. It started with looking, then moved onto contributing fairly tame NSFW content on a well known sub website. At first a really tame pic was a massive turn on and such a huge adrenaline rush. A year later I was posting more graphic content and having video calls with random internet strangers - still whilst married.

It wasn’t long before posting became boring so I’d turn to a ‘proper’ porn sites to cure some boredom, distract myself from a very traumatic divorce, family death and other life crisis and to find that release.

Also I have a progressive neurological disease which has caused some permanent damage in my nervous system, meaning I have some loss of sensation. I think I subconsciously used this as an excuse for my porn use.

So here I am. Reading all the stories and tips and trying to work out how best to reboot and just hope I can rewire myself.

 

[guitar1968]

Hi MissGuided... It is definitely interesting to have a female posting in this section. Your journey sounds remarkably similar to many of the men on here including me. Right down to the sexless marriage and choosing porn as an option to fill the void. I actually have Peripheral Neuropathy and I take Lyrica. I blamed that drug, the disease and other medications for my ED and my inability to orgasm. I finally realized that porn is a big contributing component and I needed to break the cycle. I'm not sure if what is working for me will work for you, but maybe it will since things seem so much the same.

I read the Easy Peasy Method for quitting porn and it helped a lot. This forum helps a lot as well. Just being able to keep a journal and interact with others who are sharing the same issues. Addiction is addiction and it seems like we all have to struggle to break free of the dopamine rush.

So, I'll be interested to follow your story. Hopefully others will have some helpful tips for you. Good luck on your journey.

 

[MissGuided]

Thanks, Guitar

I think this is going to be more painful than I thought. Around about low I’d be getting into bed then looking at porn just out of habit. But deciding I’m not going to makes me think about it more.

I’m also thinking about all the hours I’ve wasted trying to get off when I should be doing something else.

Thanks for the reading suggestion.

At the moment I’m not sure what I should be going cold turkey on. Obvs porn. My vibrator as well because I think it’s basically killing my nerve endings. But sex or masturbation? Idk. I think what my goal is, is to try and relearn how to focus on physically pleasures on sensual touch and to not seek out orgasm.

 

[MissGuided]

Ok, so now I’m super pissed.

Vibrators and "Dead Vagina Syndrome" (research and mainstream press)

Sex therapists are often quick to insist that vibrator use is just great for women. However, there’s growing anecdotal evidence that vibrators are actually “supernormal stimuli,” which cannot be matched by human partners. For some users, this spells a decline in sexual responsiveness and...

www.yourbrainonporn.com

Vibrators produce super stimuli completely out of kilter with real-life, with-partner, sexual experiences. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence describing the damage to clitoral feeling vibrators can cause. But also plenty of media hyping up vibrators as a positive. But no one is bothering to properly research this. Female sexuality falls bottom of the list of priorities, again!

I bought my Ann Summers bullet vibrator 3 years ago. At first I could barely take it on its lowest setting and it would give me an orgasm in about 5 minutes. Now I need it on its highest setting and I can use it until its full charge has run dead and maybe still not achieve orgasm.

I think - I HOPE! - from previous experience if I put it away for a while the sensations will come back. But who knows.

Today my vibrator goes in the bin.

Bastards.

 

[Androg]

Ok, so now I’m super pissed.

Vibrators and "Dead Vagina Syndrome" (research and mainstream press)

Sex therapists are often quick to insist that vibrator use is just great for women. However, there’s growing anecdotal evidence that vibrators are actually “supernormal stimuli,” which cannot be matched by human partners. For some users, this spells a decline in sexual responsiveness and...

www.yourbrainonporn.com

Vibrators produce super stimuli completely out of kilter with real-life, with-partner, sexual experiences. There is plenty of anecdotal evidence describing the damage to clitoral feeling vibrators can cause. But also plenty of media hyping up vibrators as a positive. But no one is bothering to properly research this. Female sexuality falls bottom of the list of priorities, again!

I bought my Ann Summers bullet vibrator 3 years ago. At first I could barely take it on its lowest setting and it would give me an orgasm in about 5 minutes. Now I need it on its highest setting and I can use it until its full charge has run dead and maybe still not achieve orgasm.

I think - I HOPE! - from previous experience if I put it away for a while the sensations will come back. But who knows.

Today my vibrator goes in the bin.

Bastards.

Your sensitivity will return, but be patient. Things may look...gray...while your brain is restoring its sensitivity. Exercise, socializing and meditation can all help speed the recovery process.

 

[Rebel79]

Not sure if it would help but Your Brain on Porn book helped me as well as the podcast Porn Free Radio.