Changing for the Best

So, I first created this account since the last time I confessed to my wife that I was still using porn. That was probably 3 months ago. This is my first post since, yet again, I had to confess to my wife that I was still using porn, despite all of my telling her that I had a plan and was going to stick to it. I never actually started. I made a plan on paper to let her think I was actually going to do something. I even convinced myself for a short moment by making this account. Until today, I had not actually done a single thing. I have thought this before but I fear now more than ever that if I don't make an effort my wife will finally leave me.

I've been a porn user for as long as I have been masturbating. I've often thought of them as being synonymous with each other. As in "why does anybody masturbate using their imagination when there is so much free porn out there?". I lost my virginity at 18 and discovered that sex couldn't make me ejaculate. It didn't matter how attracted I was to my partner or how much we did have sex. All the while I was still using porn to relieve myself from this affliction. It wasn't until I started dating my now wife that I was suddenly able to ejaculate. I attribute it towards a momentary lack of porn use, because I was just into her, and that our love connection made me feel different then anyone else. Since I was suddenly able to ejaculate, it became a simultaneous fear that I wasn't going to be able to perform for her and that if I didn't do something then I might lose this ability entirely.

I started using mental images of my favorite porn videos and actors to help me achieve climax. All the while, my porn use slowly became heavier as I thought that I needed it to achieve climax, either as a mental note for real sexual activity or just on the side for inspiration later. By that time my now wife had discovered my constant porn use and questioned me about it. I had confessed of my mental porn use during or intercourse. Of course she was very upset and almost couldn't bear to live with it. She is a wonderful woman and decided to find some resources for me. At the time I had never considered myself a porn addict. I was reluctant to claim the title. I didn't want to believe that it was me with the problem. Porn use is normal, everyone's husband or boyfriend is using it on a regular basis and maintain a normal life, so I thought.

After being together several years later and getting married, I have gone through several ups and downs with my porn use. Some of the time I have spent trying to get better on my own without anybody's help and the other part of the time I have spent lying to my wife and hiding my porn use. Now after 3 years of marriage and 9 years of being together she is understandably sick of my bullshit. We were in a conversation yesterday in which she asked me how my use was going. I had to confess to her once again that I had been using porn still. She felt very hurt and betrayed and wanted to put the feelings back on me. She says that I don't get it. I don't understand how it makes her self conscious and feel unwanted and I guess I don't. I mean she's right, if I did understand then I wouldn't be putting her through that pain and damage. In an angered attempt to make me feel just as hurt as her she told me point blank that she fantasizes sexually about someone we know. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I love fantasizing about that person"! She hurt me pretty bad, I felt betrayed and unwanted.

After things calmed down she told me that she only said that she loves it to get back at me and make me feel as hurt as her when I use porn. Although it is still true that she was fantasizing about them regularly and she won't tell me who this person is. We have talked and talked and we are still willing to move forward but things have to be different, it's the only way to save our marriage. I can't do stupid shit, fuck around, and lie to her anymore about this. Not only am I ruining the trust in our relationship, I am actually driving her away and potentially into the arms of another. In order to save my marriage and myself I am finally starting this journal. I love my wife so much and I can't lose her, she is the most beautiful and stable thing in my life and it would be much dimmer without her. I need help and I need to change.

THE PLAN:
  • Submit journal updates every day
  • Become involved with the community and read others posts, comment once a week
  • Utilize resources and get educated with my recovery
  • Accountability partner
  • Other suggestions anyone?
 

DavS

Active Member
There are some things you need to do ASAP

Talk to your wife like your life depends on it, because it does. It will be hard to listen to her pain and anger, breath through it and tell yourself this is good. This is the way forward.
Tell her you are making a commitment to stop using porn, and mean it with all your heart. Welcome her into the process with you. If you are lucky she may be open to helping that way. Otherwise do it with help here, and elsewhere. You are not alone. At a minimum you must be open and honest with her, and yourself.
Educate yourself about the addiction, Your Brain On Porn,
Easypeasymethod.org, Gabe’s posts here, Journals on this site, etc
I feel for you because I’m also trying to save my marriage. (My wife installed a DNS porn blocker for me with my encouragement. I has to be done on each device. It’s no guarantee, but it stops an impulsive slip up.)
Porn addiction can absolutely be beaten.
Good luck and keep reaching out here and at home.
 
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There are some things you need to do ASAP

Talk to your wife like your life depends on it, because it does. It will be hard to listen to her pain and anger, breath through it and tell yourself this is good. This is the way forward.
Tell her you are making a commitment to stop using porn, and mean it with all your heart. Welcome her into the process with you. If you are lucky she may be open to helping that way. Otherwise do it with help here, and elsewhere. You are not alone. At a minimum you must be open and honest with her, and yourself.
Educate yourself about the addiction, Your Brain On Porn,
Easypeasymethod.org, Gabe’s posts here, Journals on this site, etc
I feel for you because I’m also trying to save my marriage. (My wife installed a DNS porn blocker for me with my encouragement. I has to be done on each device. It’s no guarantee, but it stops an impulsive slip up.)
Porn addiction can absolutely be beaten.
Good luck and keep reaching out here and at home.
Thank you, it really does help to know that there is a strong community out there. I have never wanted to use resources or anyone's help before on a regular basis but it is obvious that it is one of the best tools for yourself. It's amazing that I posted that story only 10 hours ago and it already has positive and helpful comments.
 

Rebel79

Member
We are all here to help and support one another. You have to be completely transparent with your wife and really come to terms with the pain your porn use and lies have caused. I’ve been married for 16yrs and for that time I was addicted and lying to my wife. It completely broke her. I’d also recommend listening to the podcast “Porn Free Radio” and look into the Fortify app. Great resource for helping to walk you through the process and help keep you accountable. Stay strong and stick with it.
 
Day 2 - I have been P free but I have still been M. I have been reading up about M and rebooting and fantasy. It doesn't seem like fantasy in some ways is the worst thing but it can slow the process down quite a bit. I have helped my urges before with P use by just cranking one out instead with fantasy. That only seems to work for so long. The whole PMO package seems hard but that's also what seems to be ultimately best for people is to really take time from any sort of stimulation. I think I should go PMO free honestly. I'm hesitant because I know it will be hard but I also know how I get with enough stimulus and exposure too. I hate that restless feeling of cravings. Now more than ever I am tempted with constant access on my computer at home. I have been injured and teleworking and I fear my idle time will really test me.
 
Day 3 - My wife and I have talked things out and have managed to work together and move past all the shame, guilt, and lies. I'm fortunate to have such a loving wife that is willing to participate in my recovery after all I have put her through. The key is for me is to prove to her in every way that I am serious about seeking help and being active in my recovery.
 

46and2

Active Member
I commend you on finally taking the steps necessary to get right for yourself, your wife and your marriage. Let me tell you brother; I was involved in a three year relationship up until the beginning of this year. At the very beginning I told her about my porn addiction but framed it as if I was past it which was complete bullshit. Needless to say it tore our relationship apart and made it toxic. I lost her to someone else and I regret it with all my heart. Thankfully she has found a stable and secure relationship with someone who has their shit together. Porn will never satisfy the desire for connection that a loving relationship can give....do everything and anything it takes to save your marriage my friend because take it from me; the alternative is complete hell! Congratulations on taking the steps; you can do this brother!!
 
Day 4 - I'm beginning to see signs of withdrawal in my behavior. I catch myself thinking about porn, observing attractive women out in the world more, and having trouble with sleep. I used to always masturbate before bed and now without it I find that I have trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep. I can't keep my hands off of myself, it's like they gravitate there and I have to snap out of it and pull them back. I have been trying to pull back on my random sexual thoughts that creep into my brain too. Trying to look away from girls and really concentrate on not feeling sexual at all. It's all super hard but I'm trying to remind myself is that what I'm feeling is part of the healing process. I won't be better unless I can be strong enough to overcome and look past these symptoms. I read on another post on this forum that it was helpful to embrace the suffering of withdrawals. Let the sufferfest being!
 

46and2

Active Member
That's it brother; it's not an easy road and to get past the withdrawal you must first sit in the discomfort that comes with it. Stay strong!!
 

Rebel79

Member
You got this! It can be beat I’m at 165 days PMO and I’m feeling soo much better then I did. Stay strong and we are here here for you!
 
Day 5 - Still staying strong. Although I definitely feel tempted. I am keeping that as an observation in the back of my head though and not act on impulse. I've been staying fairly proactive by reading the easy peasy method. I'm about halfway through right now and I think it's helping, it's a good distraction anyway. It's funny how trying not to think about sex all day just makes me think about sex.
 

Rebel79

Member
Have you read Your Brain on Porn? Highly recommend as it really explains what happens and why we did what we did.
 
Day 6 & 7 - Still PMO free and made it to one whole week! Seems small but still feels significant too. Spent the last couple days with some friends relaxing by the river and catching up. It felt really good to get out of town.
 
Day 8 - I broke my MO promise to myself last night. Still porn free though so I'm trying not to think anything bad about masturbating at the moment. I'm just gonna keep trying to plug away one day at a time. Although, I have to admit that I'm feeling loads of temptation today. I'm home alone with the computer and honestly I kind of feel like shit. I want to use porn but I'm trying to really consider my wife and her feelings. My longest streak has been about 3 months or so and that was four or five years ago. I don't really remember feeling such bad withdrawal symptoms before. I can actually feel my heart race as I'm typing this with the anxiousness and desire to use porn. This fucking sucks. Going for a walk.
 

Rebel79

Member
Have a plan of things to do instead each day. I know it’s hard but just remember that you want to be free of this addiction and you can do it!
 
Full disclosure: I relapsed twice today. I only have myself to blame. It's a choice I know that I'm making, so why is it so hard? I think that I really fear that I won't be able to enjoy sex without it maybe. Which, I know is not true because I have had amazing sex with my wife when I haven't been using porn on a regular basis. I'm upset that I let my wife down. It's been harder lately because I broke my collar bone and have been working from home every day during my recovery instead of being outside most of the day with my normal job functions. I feel like I sit and try not to think about porn, feel urges and try to use the forum and read but it just keeps me thinking about sex. Thanks, Rebel, I should come up with a daily plan with distractions and goals to achieve. Well, the goal to be PMO free still stands but I'm back at the beginning again. I'm going to try to get beyond a week this time and keep going if I do. I still can do this.
 

Rebel79

Member
People fall, happens to everyone the difference is what you do when you get back up. Learn and adapt. You have to really want this, find your motivation. Do you have someone you can call or message to help you when you have these urges?
 
I realized i need to spend some time and really consider my goals. I read someone else’s post about creating goals with positive spins instead of negative ones. I’m also going to develop some coping strategies for when I am home alone and having to work on the computer. It’s been helpful to read others goals and strategies. Im gonna be spending the day thinking about my triggers and alternatives and then think about some alternatives to those too.
 
I was able to tell my wife this morning about my recent relapse. That’s something that I was never able to do before. I was always too scared and shameful. It actually felt really good to open up to her and be honest about everything. We had a great conversation following about my goals and our sex life moving forward. There are still some things to work out but this is a step in a good direction that I haven‘t tried before. Even though I slipped up recently, this does make me feel bolstered about my recovery.

Does anyone have experience with Kareeza they would like to share? My wife and I are considering this but she has hesitancy. She is concerned that if I don’t orgasm through sex with her then I will be more tempted to relieve myself with porn. I want to be able to have control in rewiring my impulses and do what’s best for both of our sex lives and sense of stimulation. She just wants to have sex with her husband without all the other stuff. She feels that porn has already been between our pleasure and doesn’t want anything else to inhibit that. I understand how she feels and that part of my recovery directly affects her but I also want to set myself up for success in all aspects of this as much as possible.

Today I am going to be taking the steps to reanalyze and revaluate my triggers and develop strategies for handling my urges. I will put those in a later post coming soon. I‘m probably never going to be spending this much time and working from home like this again after my broken bone heals. So now is the time to put things in place for myself. If I can handle it now then later when I’m not at home working it will be so much easier. So here we go, back on Day One again.
 
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