Changing for the Best

So here are the updated triggers and strategies:

1. Home alone with computer

Call a friend or family member, post on forum, read educational info on porn/addiction, go for a walk, take a shower, work on bikes, do chores/clean house, exercise, read, play music, cook/meal prep

2. During work hours by myself

Take a break from screen time, do work on paper if possible, listen to podcasts/webinars, work outside in yard

3. Accidental viewing of images or other women

Look away, think of something else immediately, don't take second or lingering glances, remind yourself why you quit porn, don't take fantasy to bed or in home, pinch yourself if needed

4. Time with phone alone, mostly bathroom boredom

Leave door open, don't bring phone with me, read instead, or bring something else for distraction

5. Masturbation at night in bed

Keep hands away from my groin, sit on them, count sheep, think of something else, get up and distract yourself, engage in sex with wife instead when feeling urges

6. In the shower

Touch yourself with soap or washcloth only, distract yourself with music or podcasts
 
Day 3 - Yesterday was a very interesting and hard day. No problems with PMO actually but my wife and I had a shitty fight last night. Strangely enough my wife has a childhood friend who was stopping by to visit and the kicker is he is dating a porn star. My wife and I talked and cried about it for hours but they never actually came over. Instead we started talking about my addiction and recent relapse. She felt very nervous about this woman being on our house and she herself felt triggered as a partner to an addict. She wanted love and support but I was only able to give so much supportive till I became defensive. It seemed like hours before that she was sayinghow proud she was of me and the effort I have been putting in. But that night I felt like I was being scrutinized after I had been open and vulnerable with her. I understand she needs support too but I feel like I needed support from her in that moment. We each have strong feelings because of this addiction and want the to be heard. I feel terrible to make her feel like I abandoned her when she needed support but how do you strike a balance on support for each other? Maybe it just needs more time. She must be hurt from my relapse more than she wanted to admit at first. I guess I need to give her space to process what that means for her.
 

Rebel79

Member
Day 3 - Yesterday was a very interesting and hard day. No problems with PMO actually but my wife and I had a shitty fight last night. Strangely enough my wife has a childhood friend who was stopping by to visit and the kicker is he is dating a porn star. My wife and I talked and cried about it for hours but they never actually came over. Instead we started talking about my addiction and recent relapse. She felt very nervous about this woman being on our house and she herself felt triggered as a partner to an addict. She wanted love and support but I was only able to give so much supportive till I became defensive. It seemed like hours before that she was sayinghow proud she was of me and the effort I have been putting in. But that night I felt like I was being scrutinized after I had been open and vulnerable with her. I understand she needs support too but I feel like I needed support from her in that moment. We each have strong feelings because of this addiction and want the to be heard. I feel terrible to make her feel like I abandoned her when she needed support but how do you strike a balance on support for each other? Maybe it just needs more time. She must be hurt from my relapse more than she wanted to admit at first. I guess I need to give her space to process what that means for her.
Right now the most important thing to do is not get defensive. She is the one that needs the support and to feel validated in her feelings. You hurt her. Yes it’s shitty but it’s the reality. You have to accept that she is going to be an emotional tornado for awhile. But this can be a good thing. Use this as motivation to not relapse. Every time you have an urge think back to this and remind yourself you don’t want to feel like this anymore and that the only way forward is through recovery, patience and understanding of what she’s going through. It took me and my wife 7 months to get to where we don’t fight with eachother as much and she is taking those first steps towards healing. If you truly love her and want to fix this then you can’t let your feelings get in the way. It’s like they say “you made your bed, now you got to lay in it” you’re in the doghouse and you will be there for awhile. Stick to recovery and making her feel secure and loved again. Sorry if this is harsh, but this was the harsh reality I had to come to terms with and I just want you to avoid the crappy things I had to go through because I didn’t come to terms with what I did. Hope this helps and I’m here to talk to if you need.
 
Thank you, Rebel! You seriously are my rock right now! We have smoothed things out right now. I will take your words of advice next time we need to talk about it. I don't think you were harsh at all. You just told me how it is and I can appreciate that.
 

Rebel79

Member
Thank you, Rebel! You seriously are my rock right now! We have smoothed things out right now. I will take your words of advice next time we need to talk about it. I don't think you were harsh at all. You just told me how it is and I can appreciate that.
I’m happy to be there for you! We are all in this together and we can overcome this together. Hope you’re weekend is a good one. I’ll be around if ya need to talk.
 
Day 10 - Been a little while since I posted. I've been so busy with the move and unpacking that I just haven't had time to consider using porn. It's felt pretty great to have a change of daily scenery. Having a new routine and plenty of moving distractions has been helpful too. I even had sex with my wife since moving in to the new house. It has felt really great to be able to connect with her and we both feel that being in a new place allows us to have a fresh start and outlook. Here's to feeling positive!
 

Rebel79

Member
Day 10 - Been a little while since I posted. I've been so busy with the move and unpacking that I just haven't had time to consider using porn. It's felt pretty great to have a change of daily scenery. Having a new routine and plenty of moving distractions has been helpful too. I even had sex with my wife since moving in to the new house. It has felt really great to be able to connect with her and we both feel that being in a new place allows us to have a fresh start and outlook. Here's to feeling positive!
That’s great man! Happy to hear that you and your wife are doing well and I think a fresh start in a new place could do wonders for you both. Keep at it!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 10 - Been a little while since I posted. I've been so busy with the move and unpacking that I just haven't had time to consider using porn. It's felt pretty great to have a change of daily scenery. Having a new routine and plenty of moving distractions has been helpful too. I even had sex with my wife since moving in to the new house. It has felt really great to be able to connect with her and we both feel that being in a new place allows us to have a fresh start and outlook. Here's to feeling positive!
That's great. Keep at it. I was like you. Maybe worse. I was a guy with porn open all day on my computer and I sometimes masturbated 4 times a day. It all finally caught up to me. I was a mess. I'm finally feeling like I have control of it and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You got this. If you can go 10 days, you can go 20 and then 40, then 80. It really just starts being something you can live without. Plenty of much better things to do with your time. Sounds like you have a wife who still wants you. That's great. Don't give her a reason not to.
 
Day 14 - Made it to two whole weeks with no porn! It's funny how it seems so simple looking back on it but I know how much I have really struggled to be this far before. It feels good, like I can just keep going because I know that I can. There is no excuse for me now, I either make a choice to use porn or I choose not to. I am making the choice everyday to not use porn. I can do this.
 
" Kareeza" ... never heard of it. Just looked it up. If she feels weirded out about it, I wouldn't push it. I can see how it could work with a partner that was into it.

I have a prescription to Trimix. It's a bit extreme, and you do still have to be able to get at least a little aroused for it to work. Once it does, however, I have issues with erections lasting far too long which is a lot less fun than it sounds like. Plus I literally have to inject it into my penis. Takes a stout heart. Viagra ... Cialis ... are other options.

Point being, if you have a spouse that knows and wants to work it out, aids like this MAY help you rewire AND give your wife what she needs. What your relationship needs.

I have not had the guts, frankly, to tell my wife what's going on. She is past menopause, and she knows I have ED, but she doesn't know its source (frankly I didn't know until a few months ago). Still, I think she'd like to be intimate occasionally just for the closeness. You are a step closer to this than I am, and a much harder step closer to it.

Personally I'd try getting a prescription to something and tell her "let's try". If it doesn't work for you, at least you can try to get her off other ways ... and that just might trigger something for you, too.
 
" Kareeza" ... never heard of it. Just looked it up. If she feels weirded out about it, I wouldn't push it. I can see how it could work with a partner that was into it.

I have a prescription to Trimix (through a urologist). It's a bit extreme, and you do still have to be able to get at least a little aroused for it to work. Once it does, however, I have issues with erections lasting far too long which is a lot less fun than it sounds like. Plus I literally have to inject it into my penis. Takes a stout heart. Viagra ... Cialis ... are other options.

Point being, if you have a spouse that knows and wants to work it out, aids like this MAY help you rewire AND give your wife what she needs. What your relationship needs.

I have not had the guts, frankly, to tell my wife what's going on. She is past menopause, and she knows I have ED, but she doesn't know its source (frankly I didn't know until a few months ago). Still, I think she'd like to be intimate occasionally just for the closeness. You are a step closer to this than I am, and a much harder step closer to it.

Personally I'd try getting a prescription to something and tell her "let's try". If it doesn't work for you, at least you can try to get her off other ways ... and that just might trigger something for you, too.
 
Day 19- Things have been pretty good. We have settled into the new place and are starting to feel at home. I masturbated a few days in a row earlier this week. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because I still haven't used or even looked at porn. I did notice, however, that it triggers my random fantasy for women and porn. After noticing this change in my mental behavior I stopped masturbating and held my urges till my wife came home and we had sex instead. It felt great to be able to save that energy and put it exactly where it's supposed to go; that felt really accomplishing. It makes me feel like I have power over my addiction. The more time goes by without having porn in my life the more I can tell positive changes are happening.
 
Day 21 - My wife and I are trying to have a baby. In fact we have been planning this for over a year. While she was in school finishing up her degree I was supposed to be weening myself off of porn to be able to perform sexually at the drop of a hat. I sadly had not done that and up until I started this journal had been using porn every day. This is my third week porn free and I have been nervous leading up to our first try this month about my abilities. We have had sex now twice in two days which seems average if you think about it but I wasn't sure I would be able to. I plan to save all of my sexual energy to put into my wife and having a family. Thanks to everyone on here for their support! It means the world to me!
 
If you were able to you're doing better than I have been for 10 years. Good that you're getting out of porn NOW. 10 years after I couldn't get it up for sex anymore I couldn't even get it up for porn. Which is when I kinda put 2+2 together. About 6 weeks after I stopped I ran across a video from another "get off porn" site and it led me to this one. That site charged. This one didn't, so I signed on here. It has been a great help in keeping me sane.
 
So my wife and I had sex a third time in a row today (3 times in 3 days), but I wasn't able to stay hard. We talked about it and she doesn't seem to remember me ever having trouble staying hard or reaching climax before. I have definitely felt like I have had hard times with handling sex and porn use and staying aroused though. Luckily, my wife is very awesome and understanding. I guess that I have anxiety about it and I want this time to reflect all the work I have been going through the past three weeks. I know that in the long scheme of things three weeks isn't a lot but I have felt changes in myself and I guess I was hoping that I could show those to my wife through physical action too.

I think that maybe I'm thinking too much...no wait...maybe I shouldn't be thinking about thinking? I feel like I might be putting more pressure on myself than is necessary today. I know I can perform and I have done so in succession. It's like I feel that the best thing I can do for our marriage is to be a good husband and maybe that feels wrapped up right now in making a family and rewiring my sexuality, which are kinda conflicting things.

My wife told me that I should allow more room for grace for myself throughout this process. I've mentioned to her that some people on this site can get seriously down on themselves and making their own recovery harder based on their own unrealistic perspective of what they want out of themselves. So, I guess I want to say to everyone, including myself, that we do deserve grace through this process. Isn't it hard enough going through all this without chastising ourselves for being human beings with sexual urges, desires, and emotional needs? Not that I'm encouraging anyone to act out or anything but I just want to express that we all deserve to be happy and sometimes we can stand in the way of that for ourselves.
 
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Stop porn now, completely. Maybe get a viagra (or something like it) prescription. Or if you're brave, Trimix or bimix. And rewire with your wife until you no longer need it. And stay away from the porn or you'll end up like me. I'm in for a very long reboot.
 
Thanks, Ive, I have been porn free now for over 3 weeks! I'm happy to be coming up on 1 month free of this addiction. I have never tried Viagra or any other aid but I'm not sure I'm there yet. I think I just let the pressure get to me. I'm the only one putting the pressure on myself though and I think that I just put myself in a mental block because of it. I actually performed better than I expected and if I keep this up, by next try I should be in even better shape. From everything I have read about people's experience with Trimix on here it sounds like a nightmare. I am not a fan of needles as is and certainly not comfortable with one in my dick.
 
So here I am 4 weeks free of porn and 4 more days to a complete month! I have quit smoking weed for mental health and fertility reasons and my dreams have been coming back more and more vividly. I woke up this morning from a very vivid sexual dream and feeling my heart race from the urges that it gave me. I felt pretty tempted this morning but dove into work and was able to push back that not so little voice. As more time goes by, I have been able to ignore that voice and push it aside, but I haven't felt this tempted in a couple of weeks now. I understand this all comes in waves and I realize that I do have the strength to resist and the tools to cope with my feelings. Right now I am trying to keep it all together one day at a time. l read on another post all that matters is your first and last post; where were you with your addiction at the beginning and where are you now and what you are planning to do moving forward. On this post today, I plan on staying clean and move forward recognizing that it is essential for my well being and my marriage to do so.
 
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