guiganvoger
Active Member
So, I first created this account since the last time I confessed to my wife that I was still using porn. That was probably 3 months ago. This is my first post since, yet again, I had to confess to my wife that I was still using porn, despite all of my telling her that I had a plan and was going to stick to it. I never actually started. I made a plan on paper to let her think I was actually going to do something. I even convinced myself for a short moment by making this account. Until today, I had not actually done a single thing. I have thought this before but I fear now more than ever that if I don't make an effort my wife will finally leave me.
I've been a porn user for as long as I have been masturbating. I've often thought of them as being synonymous with each other. As in "why does anybody masturbate using their imagination when there is so much free porn out there?". I lost my virginity at 18 and discovered that sex couldn't make me ejaculate. It didn't matter how attracted I was to my partner or how much we did have sex. All the while I was still using porn to relieve myself from this affliction. It wasn't until I started dating my now wife that I was suddenly able to ejaculate. I attribute it towards a momentary lack of porn use, because I was just into her, and that our love connection made me feel different then anyone else. Since I was suddenly able to ejaculate, it became a simultaneous fear that I wasn't going to be able to perform for her and that if I didn't do something then I might lose this ability entirely.
I started using mental images of my favorite porn videos and actors to help me achieve climax. All the while, my porn use slowly became heavier as I thought that I needed it to achieve climax, either as a mental note for real sexual activity or just on the side for inspiration later. By that time my now wife had discovered my constant porn use and questioned me about it. I had confessed of my mental porn use during or intercourse. Of course she was very upset and almost couldn't bear to live with it. She is a wonderful woman and decided to find some resources for me. At the time I had never considered myself a porn addict. I was reluctant to claim the title. I didn't want to believe that it was me with the problem. Porn use is normal, everyone's husband or boyfriend is using it on a regular basis and maintain a normal life, so I thought.
After being together several years later and getting married, I have gone through several ups and downs with my porn use. Some of the time I have spent trying to get better on my own without anybody's help and the other part of the time I have spent lying to my wife and hiding my porn use. Now after 3 years of marriage and 9 years of being together she is understandably sick of my bullshit. We were in a conversation yesterday in which she asked me how my use was going. I had to confess to her once again that I had been using porn still. She felt very hurt and betrayed and wanted to put the feelings back on me. She says that I don't get it. I don't understand how it makes her self conscious and feel unwanted and I guess I don't. I mean she's right, if I did understand then I wouldn't be putting her through that pain and damage. In an angered attempt to make me feel just as hurt as her she told me point blank that she fantasizes sexually about someone we know. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I love fantasizing about that person"! She hurt me pretty bad, I felt betrayed and unwanted.
After things calmed down she told me that she only said that she loves it to get back at me and make me feel as hurt as her when I use porn. Although it is still true that she was fantasizing about them regularly and she won't tell me who this person is. We have talked and talked and we are still willing to move forward but things have to be different, it's the only way to save our marriage. I can't do stupid shit, fuck around, and lie to her anymore about this. Not only am I ruining the trust in our relationship, I am actually driving her away and potentially into the arms of another. In order to save my marriage and myself I am finally starting this journal. I love my wife so much and I can't lose her, she is the most beautiful and stable thing in my life and it would be much dimmer without her. I need help and I need to change.
THE PLAN:
I've been a porn user for as long as I have been masturbating. I've often thought of them as being synonymous with each other. As in "why does anybody masturbate using their imagination when there is so much free porn out there?". I lost my virginity at 18 and discovered that sex couldn't make me ejaculate. It didn't matter how attracted I was to my partner or how much we did have sex. All the while I was still using porn to relieve myself from this affliction. It wasn't until I started dating my now wife that I was suddenly able to ejaculate. I attribute it towards a momentary lack of porn use, because I was just into her, and that our love connection made me feel different then anyone else. Since I was suddenly able to ejaculate, it became a simultaneous fear that I wasn't going to be able to perform for her and that if I didn't do something then I might lose this ability entirely.
I started using mental images of my favorite porn videos and actors to help me achieve climax. All the while, my porn use slowly became heavier as I thought that I needed it to achieve climax, either as a mental note for real sexual activity or just on the side for inspiration later. By that time my now wife had discovered my constant porn use and questioned me about it. I had confessed of my mental porn use during or intercourse. Of course she was very upset and almost couldn't bear to live with it. She is a wonderful woman and decided to find some resources for me. At the time I had never considered myself a porn addict. I was reluctant to claim the title. I didn't want to believe that it was me with the problem. Porn use is normal, everyone's husband or boyfriend is using it on a regular basis and maintain a normal life, so I thought.
After being together several years later and getting married, I have gone through several ups and downs with my porn use. Some of the time I have spent trying to get better on my own without anybody's help and the other part of the time I have spent lying to my wife and hiding my porn use. Now after 3 years of marriage and 9 years of being together she is understandably sick of my bullshit. We were in a conversation yesterday in which she asked me how my use was going. I had to confess to her once again that I had been using porn still. She felt very hurt and betrayed and wanted to put the feelings back on me. She says that I don't get it. I don't understand how it makes her self conscious and feel unwanted and I guess I don't. I mean she's right, if I did understand then I wouldn't be putting her through that pain and damage. In an angered attempt to make me feel just as hurt as her she told me point blank that she fantasizes sexually about someone we know. She looked me dead in the eye and said "I love fantasizing about that person"! She hurt me pretty bad, I felt betrayed and unwanted.
After things calmed down she told me that she only said that she loves it to get back at me and make me feel as hurt as her when I use porn. Although it is still true that she was fantasizing about them regularly and she won't tell me who this person is. We have talked and talked and we are still willing to move forward but things have to be different, it's the only way to save our marriage. I can't do stupid shit, fuck around, and lie to her anymore about this. Not only am I ruining the trust in our relationship, I am actually driving her away and potentially into the arms of another. In order to save my marriage and myself I am finally starting this journal. I love my wife so much and I can't lose her, she is the most beautiful and stable thing in my life and it would be much dimmer without her. I need help and I need to change.
THE PLAN:
- Submit journal updates every day
- Become involved with the community and read others posts, comment once a week
- Utilize resources and get educated with my recovery
- Accountability partner
- Other suggestions anyone?