I'm bigger than this

[hidari]

Hi everyone,

I'm 33 and have been consuming porn since I was 12. I've been experiencing PIED since my first real relationship (PE primarily) since I was 21 and unfortunately, it continues to be an issue. I grew up in a volatile household in a very rough neighbourhood and honestly it just became my go to soothing mechanism whenever I felt anxious, stressed, and depressed (which was very frequently).

I've studied books on building/breaking habits, been practicing meditation for the past 12 years, and still find it hard to believe how frequently I relapse.

I'm divorced and even during my marriage it impacted me without me knowing just to what degree. Currently, I'm in a loving and healthy relationship and my partner is very understanding but this habit of consuming when I'm distressed is seeping into our bedroom and via PIED. I experience a great deal of shame and guilt when I'm not able to meet her half-way which I know only puts me back on the hamster wheel.

I've never been good at getting involved in communities, mostly a "lone-wolf" type but I realized that a lot of the shame is from feeling alone and isolated on this recovery journey and I'm hoping that by sharing my story and updates, I can find some peace in knowing that I'm far from alone in struggling with this.

I find I'm able to abstain for 60-90 days before something distressing happens and I relapse or my curiosity or feeling of "i'm over it" somehow get the better of me and I find myself back in the spiral. My aim is to find ways to short-circuit the drive before it kicks in and find alternate ways to soothe myself when distressed. Also, to be able to call myself out when I tell myself "it'll only be for one image/one video...etc."

Also find myself subject to the chaser effect, but after going without for months, once I consume, it's like my brain can't get enough and then I binge 2/3 times more which again fills me with more grief/shame and makes me question if I'll ever be able to have a healthy and functioning sexuality.

Recently, I discovered EFT/Tapping and I'm excited to incorporate it in my toolkit to craving porn.

Looking forward to being on this journey with everyone here.

 

[AJM]

Welcome to the forum friend ,
your story is no different from majority of us here.
hope you find the reboot community helpful in your journey.
more power to you , get started.

 

[DavS]

You should check out easypeasymethod.org
Don‘t be put off by the title, it’s part of the strategy.

 

[hidari]

Welcome to the forum friend ,
your story is no different from majority of us here.
hope you find the reboot community helpful in your journey.
more power to you , get started.

Thanks AJM for the warm welcome! Yes, it's already proving to be super helpful.

 

[hidari]

You should check out easypeasymethod.org
Don‘t be put off by the title, it’s part of the strategy.

Thanks DavS! I'll check it out.

 

[hidari]

My brain has now become conditioned to associating Google's incognito mode with porn consumption and even when chrome is in dark mode it looks a lot like incognito mode. I've set-up blockers with scrambled passwords etc. but found somehow or another where there's a will there's a way once I'm triggered.

Deleted chrome after the last time PMOd but had to download it again because Safari was being Safari to complete a work task. Delted it right after but for a short while was flooded and very close to typing in "pornhub..." into the search bar.

Luckily, I didn't and instead I'm posting about it here. It's a nice chance of pace.

 

[DavS]

Yes, sometimes if you can divert the lizard brain for a few minutes, your rational self will set you back on your path.

 

[hidari]

Feeling restless and stressed about work/life, which have often been triggers for use, and in front of a computer, tempted to scratch the itch considering last PMO was only a week ago and images/videos/scenarios keep flashing in and out of my mind. Trying to remember the consequences of a "slip" or that it's not just going to be "one video" or that it might make me feel good now but right after make me feel miserable.

My gf moved to a diff country recently so we've been long distance which both helps considering the reboot and the PIED, but since she left have been feeling increasingly lonely and frustrated.

I think I'm going to soothe by taking a walk and getting out for a run or doing something active instead of my default.

 

[Fappy]

Trying to remember the consequences of a "slip"

yes, never forget what that little slip can do! and the chaser effect too, so slipping and then slipping again and again until you cant get back up! all it takes is one small momentito of stupidity and your reboot is fucked.

 

[hidari]

Finding myself working on my computer and ever so often unconsciously rubbing my crotch - crazy how the two become linked. There's that voice again, "c'mon you know you want to," or "don't be so stuck up," and all the other words that part that's addicted uses to cajole me to lure me back in.

But I have a bigger goal I'm working towards. I'm planning on visiting my girlfriend in a couple of weeks and don't want PIED to weigh on me and my capacity for intimacy.

The twitching might also be a sign that I need to take a break from the computer and get outside.

 

[hidari]

Agh, having a P scene loop in my brain over and over so the craving is strong. I find fapping without P helpful in these situations though eventually would want to not have to fap altogether. but find when craving is too overpowering, it's the only thing that helps. also getting out for a karate class. that should help. i don't need P, i don't want it, and it skews reality and messes with my neurochemistry for the worst, there's literally nothing to gain other than a quick/short hit of dopamine. i got this.

 

[hidari]

Sitting in a cafe and having the most random urge/craving to consume P. My brain's already maneuvering how I could take a peak if I just changed seats so that no one else can look at my screen. It's crazy how these cravings/urges can spring up at any time. There's a part of me that wants to run home and consume P to my hearts content, really I want to binge all my fav vids, maybe find some new ones, despite knowing all the issues it causes for me in the bedroom and how it affects my mood. It's so insane how there's literally a buffet of content that anyone could get addicted to? Still boggles my mind how much of a stretch it is from reality and yet no one publicly denounces it as a problem or there isn't a campaign to educate others (esp men.) and we're relegated to just these forums when we know the problem is so much bigger. In all honesty, P feels so normalized, I feel crazy for experiencing the symptoms that I do. It's just sad that neurologically, we've created something that reality has a ridiculously hard time competing with. Venting here I do find engages my left/rational/logical brain and makes me feel a little bit more in control. Just feel unseen in a v fucked up world where P is literally available to binge as soon as anyone gets their hands on a device with internet connection. Okay, feeling like I've cooled down a little. Thank God.