Return to reality

Great going Vidvan.

You give me hope. I like how you have made it a point to answer these 5 questions everyday especially the third question because it helps understand the fact that an itch doesn't necessarily have to be scratched.

Keep it up !!! 👍🏻
 

just_sky

Member
Day 1: I am staring my journey today, Aug 26 2021. I am making an admission today that I am addicted. I am accepting today that I feel trapped. I am concluding that I can't do it myself and I need help. I do not feel ashamed, but I do not have the courage to share this with my friends and family. I have seen them in pain, because of me. I am a good person and I want my peace back. I also admit that I have ED during real encounters while my escape to porn makes me feel normal. ED scares me, but the pain in my heart scares me equally. I am hurting everybody around me. I want to return to reality. Help me.

I am a working profession with a secret life of complete escape. I have good friends. I have not been able to identify the core reason for my addiction but I do remember overusing it since my collage days, 20 years ago. It can be once a day, or a few times. It has made me under-productive and I can count more than a few instances where I missed on in real life due to my addiction. I have tried to quit but somehow rationalized to go back. I have only recently admitted having a fogged over stressed brain, but I can see it has been such for a long time. I believe I can overcome this, but I do need help.

I am going to answer these question everyday, when I post. I promise to be honest.

  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? NO TRIGGERS TODAY
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I TALKED TO MY FRIEND WHO I VALUE MORE THAN ANYBODY.
  • What am I grateful for today? MY FRIEND WHO WOKE ME UP TO REAL LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.
  • Day counter! DAY 1
That's a great way to go about it my friend. I'm going to try this too! Sharing with a closed one does really help. I can vouch for that. Stay strong!
 

vidvan13

Active Member
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? some old pictures which ignited some urges.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? resisted and went to sleep.
  • What am I grateful for today? meeting an old friend for brunch.
  • Day counter! DAY 17-18
 

AJM

Active Member
Great Vidvan , happy to see you at 16 days.
I know how difficult initial weeks are,you will soon begin to see small meaningful shifts in your personality.
You have lot of strength and courage, keep going.
Take care, would be happy to help .
 

vidvan13

Active Member
yesterday I felt a surge in urge. It all started with a picture I saw on my phone. It escalated at bit, but I felt uneasy. I stopped and re-evaluated my feelings. I was simply sleep deprived. I slept and feel good today. There are a few things I want to do this week, let's see how it goes.
 
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vidvan13

Active Member
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? some anime that popped up on my tv.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I gave in for a bit before pulling myself back, and realizing that I have better things to do.
  • What am I grateful for today? cooking a fabulous tofu burger.
  • Day counter! DAY 19
 

Fappy

Respected Member
great that you were able to eliminate the urge before it took hold. thats a very promosing sign that youre on top of things.
fuckin A you have better things to do! anything is better than PMO.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Is there any guidance on the MO part of PMO? I have grown up with the 'education' that MO is healthy. Is the aim of reboot to drop P, or all three of PMO?
 
Day 1: I am staring my journey today, Aug 26 2021. I am making an admission today that I am addicted. I am accepting today that I feel trapped. I am concluding that I can't do it myself and I need help. I do not feel ashamed, but I do not have the courage to share this with my friends and family. I have seen them in pain, because of me. I am a good person and I want my peace back. I also admit that I have ED during real encounters while my escape to porn makes me feel normal. ED scares me, but the pain in my heart scares me equally. I am hurting everybody around me. I want to return to reality. Help me.

I am a working profession with a secret life of complete escape. I have good friends. I have not been able to identify the core reason for my addiction but I do remember overusing it since my collage days, 20 years ago. It can be once a day, or a few times. It has made me under-productive and I can count more than a few instances where I missed on in real life due to my addiction. I have tried to quit but somehow rationalized to go back. I have only recently admitted having a fogged over stressed brain, but I can see it has been such for a long time. I believe I can overcome this, but I do need help.

I am going to answer these question everyday, when I post. I promise to be honest.

  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? NO TRIGGERS TODAY
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I TALKED TO MY FRIEND WHO I VALUE MORE THAN ANYBODY.
  • What am I grateful for today? MY FRIEND WHO WOKE ME UP TO REAL LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP.
  • Day counter! DAY 1
Stay strong brother! You can do it!!
 
Is there any guidance on the MO part of PMO? I have grown up with the 'education' that MO is healthy. Is the aim of reboot to drop P, or all three of PMO?

I believe the difference is the wiring in the brain.
As one fellow voyager on this forum pointed out, PMO is more about watching sex in third person whereas I don't think one would want to do that in MO. The super stimuli is much higher in case of PMO and thus causing a stronger wiring.

Don't give much thought to MO though. The fact remains that PMO and MO both strip us of our ability to make best of the reality as it is. We're too comforted in an illusion to even care to think about what's real and what's not!

You are doing awesomely well.
keep going man!!
 

vidvan13

Active Member
I believe the difference is the wiring in the brain.
As one fellow voyager on this forum pointed out, PMO is more about watching sex in third person whereas I don't think one would want to do that in MO. The super stimuli is much higher in case of PMO and thus causing a stronger wiring.

Don't give much thought to MO though. The fact remains that PMO and MO both strip us of our ability to make best of the reality as it is. We're too comforted in an illusion to even care to think about what's real and what's not!

You are doing awesomely well.
keep going man!!
Thanks for the encouragement. But the bodily needs can't be denied, isn't it? When rebooting without a partner, are there empirically validated ways to do MO safely. Or am I just going down the side road to my old wiring? Personally, I don't have the urge to watch P, almost ever. But I do feel the need for O. I am looking to understand this trait - if this is all right, or just an indirect way to give in, and what are the practical ways to encapsulate or block it. Sorry for being so nit-picky on this issue.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
I did not look at P in the last 20 days but I did MO, which I thought was OK. I feel that I need to avoid PMO completely, after some research; and hence to be fair I am going to reset my counter, starting today.
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I worked out.
  • What am I grateful for today? letting go the expectations.
  • Day counter! DAY 1
I also decided to journal my self evaluations: https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/576.html
 
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vidvan13

Active Member
Today I started to record my feelings. I revisited the childhood and the journey up to now and how I came about here. Apart from an angry father, I think the main reason for my porn usage is sexual suppression in the society at the young age. The exploration which should have happened in the real world happened on the monitor screen, and hence the fake world was rendered all over my brain. When I finally reached the real world, every encounter was a performance, obviously never having been able to match the reference. The concept of connection was always missed, but deep down somewhere I waited for it. This has been an unsurprising discovery, but I am still glad I took it upon me to evaluate it out and see for what it was.

  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I coded.
  • What am I grateful for today? having the courage to revisit my memories.
  • Day counter! DAY 2

here is the entry: https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/781.html
 
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AJM

Active Member
I think the main reason for my porn usage is sexual suppression in the society at the young age.
I get you Vidvan when you say this.
I stay in a third world country with largely consevative society,
I can second this was one of the reasons for me to find pleasure through pixels, rather than real women.
Good to see you Journaling , take care.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Today I evaluated my feelings about an early relationship I have had. I wanted to examine how much falseness, if any, was there in them. I also wanted to see what my pixel viewing brain did via my actions and how it rationalized various acts at that time. Now that I understand the effect of PMO, I was able to sincerely evaluate the complete selfishness I acted with and the reason for my failures at those relationships. Here is the journal: https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/1132.html


  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I read a cool book.
  • What am I grateful for today? eating simple food and watching star trek.
  • Day counter! DAY 3
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Today I pondered about the brain function and how porn might affect it, contrasting it with trauma. It was very insightful to see the similarities between the two. The principle insight which I drew was PMO is a soothing mechanism from some underlying cause and that needs to be addressed and acknowledged before the brain can be rewired. The self exploration journey continues. https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/1308.html
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? read a book.
  • What am I grateful for today? cooking my food.
  • Day counter! DAY 4
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Today I pondered about the brain function and how porn might affect it, contrasting it with trauma. It was very insightful to see the similarities between the two. The principle insight which I drew was PMO is a soothing mechanism from some underlying cause and that needs to be addressed and acknowledged before the brain can be rewired. The self exploration journey continues. https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/1308.html
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? read a book.
  • What am I grateful for today? cooking my food.
  • Day counter! DAY 4
I cried and healed so much from reading the Body Keeps the Score. One of the biggest takeaways was learning to soothe and comfort and bring pleasure to my life after all the trauma I've endured instead of numbing my pain or finding comfort in PMO. Yin Yoga has been a big soother for me. Being in nature as well. One thing I really want to experience to release the trauma and pain stored in my body is EMDR. I've heard a lot of success with this technique.

You got this! Congrats on day 4!
 

vidvan13

Active Member
I cried and healed so much from reading the Body Keeps the Score. One of the biggest takeaways was learning to soothe and comfort and bring pleasure to my life after all the trauma I've endured instead of numbing my pain or finding comfort in PMO. Yin Yoga has been a big soother for me. Being in nature as well. One thing I really want to experience to release the trauma and pain stored in my body is EMDR. I've heard a lot of success with this technique.

You got this! Congrats on day 4!
Thanks for the kind comment. The book is a gem. Every day I read a chapter and keep healing. It is important knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, as the author says. Yin Yoga - i will look into it. Writing out my thoughts and reasoning and relating it to my situation deepens my understanding and motivates me further to rewire myself.
 

vidvan13

Active Member
The brain anatomy of trauma is what I explored today. Timeless reliving and depersonalization has great commonality with porn addiction. The bottoms-up (breath, touch) and top-down (meditation, yoga) approach seems promising and coincides with what I heard on Dr. Trish Leigh's video's as well. https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/1549.html
  • Did I use porn today? NO
  • What were my triggers? none
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? read a book.
  • What am I grateful for today? enlightening read
  • Day counter! DAY 5
 
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