I have stacked up my fridge with this watermelon:
View attachment 497
This will be consumed tomorrow Nov 13th, morning, as a victory dessert! 13 is a special number to me. The next watermelon day for me would be Dec 13, a day after day 90. Henceforth,
every month day 13th would be remembered as watermelon day by me. It will remind me every month to be true to myself and others, and live my most authentic life. I am not perfect, and I don't seek perfection anymore. I look forward to this ever lasting journey in my life. I will run the counter till 90, and a little beyond just in case. I feel a lot of gratitude towards everybody who has given me hope, told me to carry on, and made me realize I am not alone. Big shout out to S for paving the way for me. I have followed her inspiring story one day behind. She is a treasure.
On my recovery status, I would say that my desire to PMO is minimal. It still lurks around, I have noticed, on ignition of some old triggers. I am actively re-calibrating these triggers to put me in a habit of doing something more useful. I am not going to get rid of these triggers, I am simply going to give them a new meaning. My morning woods are consistent and my dreams can get very sexual some of these days. I am avoiding any sexual encounters for the first 90 days so those PIED aspects will reveal after 90 days are past. My approach towards women has changed dramatically. I see them as people, and I appreciate them as humans. Sometimes I can get distracted but I keep asking myself to act with intent. If I am attracted to somebody and my intent is clear, I am all right. But if my intent is simply the old dopamine hit, I re-calibrate and use my wrist feedback band to remind myself that these are triggers and remnants of the old pathways in my mind.
My mental life has completely changed. I feel very energetic, very hopeful, and very refreshed every day. I can see creative ideas coming to me and I am finding huge amount of interest in them now. I am going to wait for my romantic life to untangle till I am at day 90. I want to finish that mental landmark. This will also give me time to think about my present and where I want to be in future in terms of my relationships. But, I can say with certainty, that time away from Pixels is the best thing that has happened to me in my life. My will to live authentically every day is at its peak. My kindness is back, my emotions are flowing, and I find myself connected to the world and people.
To everybody out there, who are struggling and losing hope, remember you are not lost till you keep trying. I had tried and relapsed for years, until I found the key to my joy for now - I needed to be true to myself and have the courage to be true to others, AND I had to put brain reinforcing activities in my life to reprogram my triggers into habits that are productive. Submersion into books, lots of Dr. Trish Leigh's videos, journaling and introspection paved the way for me. I wish everybody luck and a lots of love. You all are enough, you all are unique, and you all deserve a rich, joyous life away from the toxic shackles of pixels.
- Did I use porn today? NO
- What were my triggers? none
- How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?
- What am I grateful for today? grateful for the second watermelon day tomorrow.
- Day counter! DAY 60
On the journaling front today was an exploration of how to cure perfectionism (
https://vidvan13.livejournal.com/8555.html)
βOur job in this life is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.β ~ Steven Pressfield