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M

millennialboomer

Member
Earlier this year I opened up to my wife about my issues with P. It was easy to talk about it because at that point I was abstinent for a few weeks. Now I feel the overwhelming presence of imposter syndrome. It was easy to talk about it to her because I felt like I was finally able to gain control over this addiction I've had since I was a kid. I, like many others, discovered M in elementary school and shortly after stumble across P. I will just fast forward to now because I am sure everyone here has heard it or experienced it.​

I don't know how to talk to her about my current binge. Honestly I don't think I will let her know. Before I talked to my wife I tried to talk to someone I was friends with for 13 years and to say he blew me off would be an understatement. This is why I feel like it's time I registered here and made a journal so that I can share my experience and reach out to others for support.​

My main take-away from this binge is I have noticed I am no longer a cynic. I am no longer a hopeless man projecting my hopelessness to the world. My current failure I've faced during my reboot has been an opportunity to adjust my approach to my recovery. This change in mindset has filled me with hope. I believe it is only a matter of time before all this struggling will pay off.​
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 0

This morning I was doing some studying for an I.T. certificate I am pursuing and along with the agitation of focusing on reading, I have that familiar voice telling me to just relax instead and relapse. My wife and I had plans to leave separately. She was to take the kids to her friends while I go to the library to study because it is easier for me to focus in that atmosphere than alone at home. My plan was to leave at the same time as her so I wouldn't have the chance to be alone and fuck up. When I came inside to see when she was leaving, I realized she was already gone.

Commence auto-pilot mode. I instantly seized the opportunity and went for my phone and relapsed. Now that I have regained my senses I am going to swing my kettle bell around as punishment and get out of the house to walk around a park and read. I am grateful that these next few days I will be camping so I will be forced to be abstinent.
 
Wolfman

Wolfman

Active Member
When a child does something wrong, do you beat him? I certainly had that happen to me by one of my parents when I was younger. They thought that corporal punishment would "teach me". But it only taught me fear, confusion and, later, resentment, and certainly never prevented me from doing what I was being punished for--if anything, it actually reinforced it. This is an extreme example, but when you relapse, you shouldn't--in my opinion--instinctively treat yourself as the accused before a judge. When you fail, what you need most is not punishment but compassion. Understand yourself and reflect over what went wrong; what were the triggers; what can you do to fix them? I recommend educating yourself (Universal Man's series of Sexual self-mastery on Youtube is great, but you can also check out books, such as Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn"). You need to build your knowledge fortress.

The road to recovery is long, but there is perhaps no greater homecoming a man (or woman) can achieve in modern times. Make it a task to return regularly to this journal. I wish you plenty of strength and courage, millennialboomer. Welcome to the forum!
 
C

canguro

Active Member
Hey man and welcome to the forum!
How did your wife react when you told here about your struggle with p?
I think it would be highly beneficial to tell her if you can expect her to not leave you right away.
Because you'll make a commitment with that on the one hand and on the other you would propably feel less guilty and shameful because you are not hiding anything and guilt and shame are stressors which can lead back to p. At the same time it could help your wife to gain trust in you that you are serious and dont hide anything from her. If you get in a situation were you relapse more often it will be harder to tell everytime because you would have to admit you didn't from the first time and you could get caught in a swamp of hiding, shame, guilt, relapsing etc.

Stay strong!
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Wolfman said:
When a child does something wrong, do you beat him? I certainly had that happen to me by one of my parents when I was younger. They thought that corporal punishment would "teach me". But it only taught me fear, confusion and, later, resentment, and certainly never prevented me from doing what I was being punished for--if anything, it actually reinforced it. This is an extreme example, but when you relapse, you shouldn't--in my opinion--instinctively treat yourself as the accused before a judge. When you fail, what you need most is not punishment but compassion. Understand yourself and reflect over what went wrong; what were the triggers; what can you do to fix them? I recommend educating yourself (Universal Man's series of Sexual self-mastery on Youtube is great, but you can also check out books, such as Gary Wilson's "Your Brain on Porn"). You need to build your knowledge fortress.

The road to recovery is long, but there is perhaps no greater homecoming a man (or woman) can achieve in modern times. Make it a task to return regularly to this journal. I wish you plenty of strength and courage, millennialboomer. Welcome to the forum!
Click to expand...
I used punishment in a hyperbolic manner. Maybe a bit extreme. I wasn't in the mindset that I needed to be punished though. At the time I knew that some hard physical activity would be beneficial for me, that's why said it. I have been working on being more compassionate towards myself after my mishaps. I know the most common triggers which is the obvious stress, anger, irritability etc. Thank you for the YouTube resource. I have read YBOP and have discovered this forum as a result.

Thank you for taking time to respond.
 
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M

millennialboomer

Member
canguro said:
Hey man and welcome to the forum!
How did your wife react when you told here about your struggle with p?
I think it would be highly beneficial to tell her if you can expect her to not leave you right away.
Because you'll make a commitment with that on the one hand and on the other you would propably feel less guilty and shameful because you are not hiding anything and guilt and shame are stressors which can lead back to p. At the same time it could help your wife to gain trust in you that you are serious and dont hide anything from her. If you get in a situation were you relapse more often it will be harder to tell everytime because you would have to admit you didn't from the first time and you could get caught in a swamp of hiding, shame, guilt, relapsing etc.

Stay strong!
Click to expand...
I have told her numerous times before about my dislike about p. Her response at first was more or less "Why watch it then?". I have asked myself that plenty of times as well. Then I finally read YBOP and understood why. Since after reading it I explained what I was experiencing so now she knows that I have been struggling. I appreciate the bits of wisdom. I need to be wary of the shame/guilt relapse loop.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 4

I am finally back from our camping trip and the kids are at school and wife is at work which means my cue to leave the house. I am aware that I am in a scenario that can cause me to slip-up and set me back so it's time to go out somewhere to study or walk or read.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 6

How can I re-frame my idea of a streak? If I continue to think in terms of 'longest streak' am I setting myself up for a an inevitable slip-up? I have learned to be much more compassionate to myself after a 'streak' ended and I have been able to get back up and try again immediately after. But streaks are short stretches or runs that inevitably end, right? What shift in mindset can I make to replace 'streak'? I have a spreadsheet that I update with every mishap since June. This has seemed to help. It has given me a good visual representation of time wasted with PMO. It is motivating to me see the number of empty cells that represent a day of abstinence.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 9

When I urge surf, I have noticed when focusing my attention on urges, instead of whats causing the urges (triggers), the urge goes away quicker. They have been small weaker waves as well. My main trigger I have been dealing with is negative emotions. Anger especially. I still haven't had a conversation with my wife about whats been going on. I have tried to bring it up, but I don't think she takes it that serious. I almost feel like I have quit caring to open up to her anymore. Not like I was any good at it to begin with.

I still have no energy but I have been making myself go to the gym to lift.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 10

The more I practice mindfullness, the more intense the urges are becoming. I need to focus my awareness to the sensations of the urges instead of the cause of the urges.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
Day 12 I think...

In the past couple days I have tried watching P and I can't bring myself to do it. I have intentionally gone back to consume P to pacify my negative emotions multiple times this week, and I can't even get an erection while watching it. I haven't been dealing with PIED though. I have had sex multiple times these past 2 weeks. I am still having P flashbacks and fantasies, but I get more physically ill than aroused by them it seems like.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
I restarted my streak. I forget when it happened, but I have been sick with covid so I used porn to cope and waste energy so that I could sleep. I should probably be a little bit more active on my post to get things off my chest. If anyone here wants/needs an accountability partner, let me know. I will try to be here for you. I want to talk about when I came clean to my wife and friend about my porn usage. I have heard from multiple sources that, like any other recovery process, admitting that I have a problem is the first step to recovery. I mentioned in my first post about how I came to my best friend of 13 years and opened up to him. My experience was not at all what I was led to believe would happened. I got no empathy or support from him. He was the opposite. I am not sure what I expected, but his reaction was not helpful. That was a while ago and I haven't talked to him since earlier this year because of it. We were friends since high school. He has been to every single one of all 3 of my kids birthdays and in one text conversation, we were basically done. I have been pretty lonely I guess. I try convincing myself that I am alright, but I don't know anymore at this point. I have had some decent conversations with my wife about porn as well. She doesn't understand that if I dislike porn so much, why do I consume it. I ask her why anybody behaves in a way that they don't want to. It's an addiction. One night she was at a friends house with the kids. I was home alone dealing with some strong urges. I managed to successfully keep myself from watching porn though. Because she had been drinking I went to go pick her up late. We get back home and we are talking about how I was doing earlier that night and I explained how I had a difficult time trying to keep away from porn. Her response still has me wondering why the fuck I married her. She seriously asks me why I didn't just spend a couple minutes watching porn just to get it done and over with. I can't seem to open up with anybody about whats going on other than on this forum. I am pretty sure I am depressed. I am not suicidal though, thankfully. I am doing the stay at home dad thing while wife works. I try studying to eventually get an IT job. This is a pretty shitty time in my life right now. I know the last thing my family or I need is to be a cynic. These thoughts are getting unstructured and random so I am done now.
 
M

millennialboomer

Member
DAY 0

I feel like I've stopped really caring about recovery at this point. This is not the best mind set to be in I realize. I used this time having covid and being quarantined as an excuse to be lazy and let my discipline slack. Now that I am able to leave the house it's back to the gym and training. Looking at my spreadsheet, I have noticed that I haven't been binging when I slip up. Recently it's been a one and done. I guess that's the silver lining. It would be nice if all this studying would pay off and finally get my IT certificate so I can get a job and not have to be Mr. Mom anymore.
 
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