Determined to give it up this time

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Hi all, first time poster here.

Found this site on YourBrainOnPorn. Had a little read but thought I'd get straight into it. Will read more later.

I think I have known for a while I'm addicted to porn. I'm 40 and have been using porn since I was a teenager, even during relationships. I'm married now and have an almost 2 year old daughter.

I have gone a few days here and there without fapping. I tried to give it up completely before and thought I was doing well. It was probably only a week though. I think I "rewarded myself" and that was it. Back at it regularly.

Doing some reading on YourBrainOnPorn and my experience is probably quite common. Working from home has probably made it worse for me. I'm currently (up until the weekend) masturbating 2 or 3 times a day. I have my work laptop beside my personal pc and usually have them both running, like I am now. At around 11am, I'd open a porn site and say I'll just have a quick one. I end up opening around 30 tabs and spending over an hour going from clip to clip. Obviously this is affecting my work. Even when I was in the office I'd have an occasional fap in the work toilets. Also, we're trying to have another baby and it has happened where I'd just finish fapping and my wife would want to have sex. I've made excuses like I have a work call soon. She reminds me that her fertile period is only a few days and I feel like shit.

Then at night time when everyone else is in bed, I'd have my laptop and go again. Usual story of multiple tabs open and wasting so much time watching video after video. I've even had an adult channel on tv while while watching porn on the laptop.

I actually look forward to having the house to myself, and not for the peace and quiet. When my wife and daughter have gone out at the weekend, I'd have a few jobs planned around the house but as soon as they've gone I'll start watching porn. I'm just wasting so much potentially productive time. Some of the other signs are there too. Like I'd feel anxious if I've to go out. If I do have plans I'll usually be late or not go at all.

The aggregation websites have really dragged me in. My eyes are darting all over the screen and I'd click on every category that takes my fancy. Then I'd pick 5-10 videos from each category. The screengrabs of the videos would have me going already.

Looking back on my life, I think this had led to be being a bit of a creep, especially when I'm drunk as I'd lose my inhibitions. I've had black outs and been told afterwards that I was trying it on with women and that I was saying some creepy things. If I see a woman in tight clothes in public I'll think about that until I get home and search for a porn video with a similar theme. I also started concentrating on the guys in the videos and then started watching gay porn. This led me to having a gay experience. I have no desire to be with a man in a relationship, it was purely sexual and I think it was driven by my porn addiction. All the above (trying it on with other women and the gay encounter) were while I was with my current wife.

I don't want to waste anymore time and want to use the time to do some courses and get fit. I also don't want to be the creepy Father when my daughter is a teenager and brings friends home. I want to be a better husband to my wife and do the running repairs in the house or cleaning while she's out instead of reaching for the laptop or my phone. I want to treat women with respect instead of my mind wandering and thinking sexual thoughts. I want to stop staring at women in public.

I have deleted a couple of messaging apps which were used for swapping pictures with other men. I have finally closed all the incognito tabs I had opened on my phone for a long time. It's early days but I have not fapped yesterday or today. It's only the start and as the title says I'm very determined to give up porn this time. It's not doing me any good at all.

Sorry for the long post, but I just kept typing and it feels good to get it all written down.

 

[guitar1968]

Your story sounds so much like my own. Right down to the gay encounters and young daughter at home. I'm now 53 and I'm finally stopping and dead serious about this addiction. I've had PIED for a long time now and my wife and I barely touch each other. It's been a real mess and I completely understand where you are coming from.

The good news? You are here now at 40 instead of 53. I think if I found this place 13 years ago I may have been able to save a lot of trouble for both myself and my family. But, I can't change the past, but I can shape my future. I'm now at 145 days porn and PMO free. I'm 45 days now on a hard mode - no sex, masturbation or orgasms and I'm finally really feeling great. I struggled around 80 to 100 days and then things just really started getting easier. It was like a weight was lifted and I just finally felt free. I still have the occasional itch for porn, but nothing like I used to. It's more in passing. I want to get back to having real, connected sex with my wife and that is the ultimate goal. But I thought I needed orgasms to live. Like I just had to have it and there was nothing wrong with it. But having porn playing on my computer all day while I tried to work and then not being able to have sex with my wife was starting to make me realize how bad I actually was addicted.

So, welcome to the forum. This is a fantastic place where you can get support, bare your soul and just be honest with yourself and everyone here. Dumping out all my garbage has helped me so much. I have never told anyone the things that I have shared here. The anonymity makes it easy to be honest. There is no reason to lie while you're here. If you relapse, share it. You'll get great support and encouragement to get back on the horse. Everyone here is in the same boat, just at different points in their recovery.

Good luck on your journey. We're here for you!

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah, it looks like a good site. I haven't told any one in real life about this. The last time I just decided to give up porn. I didn't have anyone to let down or encourage me but putting it in writing here will help, I think. I probably won't update every day but will come back now and again and update. Seeing so many men with similar issues and the success stories is an inspiration.

Also reading the issues on here, it seems like a lot of men have the same issues but don't know it yet.

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Yeah, it looks like a good site. I haven't told any one in real life about this. The last time I just decided to give up porn. I didn't have anyone to let down or encourage me but putting it in writing here will help, I think. I probably won't update every day but will come back now and again and update. Seeing so many men with similar issues and the success stories is an inspiration.

Also reading the issues on here, it seems like a lot of men have the same issues but don't know it yet.

I come here when I normally would be launching a private browser. I read the success stories, the failures as well as the ones that are struggling. It all helps and I comment a lot. I'm no expert. I'm doing well, but I have a long way to go. I share what works for me and hope it helps others. The main message is that you can conquer the addiction. We all can. It's not easy. Of course not, but we are all so much better without porn.

I look forward to following your story.

 

[Squidward81]

Thanks for sharing your story. I am right There with you and like guitar1968, I come here when I wanna open something else and it totally helps. It's inspiring to know other guys are tired of this kind of life and are making the changes to be different.

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Well still going anyway. I can't remember if I fapped on Sunday or not. It was happening so much that it all blurred into one. So I'm only counting from Monday. It's only Wednesday now but it's been a while since I even went that long.

Was thinking about it and there were occasions where I had the house to myself and would sit there for hours looking at porn. You just lose all sense of time.

The last time I tried to give it up, I lasted a few days and then thought "Sure there's nothing wrong with having a wank (an Irish slang term), it's good for you". While that may be true, it wasn't long before I fell back down the rabbit hole of consuming too much porn. So this time I'm going to try and abstain from even pleasuring myself with no porn. I want to give it a clean break. I haven't had ED issues while with my wife, well not for a while anyway. I'll still be having sex with her although we don't even do it every week as it is. Maybe my libido (for sex with my wife, not fapping) will improve and I'll start going to bed the same time as her and having a bit more intimacy with her.

I've had a couple of flashes in my mind today of having a quick fap but then quickly dismiss it. It's like the cartoon devil on my shoulder telling me to it.

 

[guitar1968]

Yep. I know that cartoon devil all too well.

Sounds like you are ready to walk away. It's definitely not easy at first. Or anytime there after! Actually I'm joking. It does get easier. I know when I started I made the first 30 days or so pretty easily and I thought why didn't I do this before. Then it got much harder. By around 70 or 80 days I was hanging on the edge. I wanted to go back so bad I almost did many, many times. Somewhere around 100 days things cleared for me and have been much better since and getting easier to deal with more and more. Just hang in there and hopefully it will start to fade for you as well.

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

So a week later and I'm still going strong. I find it easy at the moment to dismiss those little moments where I'm thinking I should fap. I might be a bit old for TikTok but I still like it for the funny videos. But now I tend to just skip past the videos of the young women showing off or basically advertising their OnlyFans account.

7 days done now. It's still a conscious decision not to fap and not to stare when I'm out. Hopefully that'll become subconscious eventually.

Porn really changes you, well I say changes but it's all I've really known. It's in so deep and has wired my brain to always think about sex. I know it will be a long road but hopefully I can reboot, as the forum name says.

I think the journals are good as you don't want to let people down, even if they are Internet strangers
I know I could just lie but I think "What's the point?" as no one knows me here.

 

[guitar1968]

So a week later and I'm still going strong. I find it easy at the moment to dismiss those little moments where I'm thinking I should fap. I might be a bit old for TikTok but I still like it for the funny videos. But now I tend to just skip past the videos of the young women showing off or basically advertising their OnlyFans account.

7 days done now. It's still a conscious decision not to fap and not so stare when I'm out. Hopefully that'll become subconscious eventually.

Porn really changes you, well I say changes but it's all I've really known. It's in so deep and has wired my brain to always think about sex. I know it will be a long road but hopefully I can reboot, as the forum name says.

I think the journals are good as you don't want to let people down, even if they are Internet strangers
I know I could just lie but I think "What's the point?" as no one knows me here.

I'm at 151 days today with no PMO and 51 days with no MO. I have been doing great, but this weekend I stumbled upon some porn in my twitter account and although I removed myself from it quickly, the last two days I have woken up with deep porn fantasy swirling around my head. I didn't give in, I moved on, but I'm still actually feeling it. I guess the good news is I can walk away, but I'll have 3 or 4 weeks where all is well and then I see some porn and those feelings come back pretty quickly. Not as bad as they once did, but I can feel it in the back of my brain. The little voice saying, hey we can go back. I'm still able to push through but I'm guessing that little voice is going to be with me for some time.

Stay strong, walk away when the urges and images come back. Focus on other things. You got this.

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

I'm at 151 days today with no PMO and 51 days with no MO. I have been doing great, but this weekend I stumbled upon some porn in my twitter account and although I removed myself from it quickly, the last two days I have woken up with deep porn fantasy swirling around my head. I didn't give in, I moved on, but I'm still actually feeling it. I guess the good news is I can walk away, but I'll have 3 or 4 weeks where all is well and then I see some porn and those feelings come back pretty quickly. Not as bad as they once did, but I can feel it in the back of my brain. The little voice saying, hey we can go back. I'm still able to push through but I'm guessing that little voice is going to be with me for some time.

Stay strong, walk away when the urges and images come back. Focus on other things. You got this.

Yeah, I'm exactly the same when I see something. I was clearing an old hard drive and it had some porn videos on it. In the past I would have PMO. But I just Shift + deleted it so it doesn't even go to my recycle bin. I think it's about making the right decision until I no longer have to debate it with myself.

 

[guitar1968]

Yeah, I'm exactly the same when I see something. I was clearing an old hard drive and it had some porn videos on it. In the past I would have PMO. But I just Shift + deleted it so it doesn't even go to my recycle bin. I think it's about making the right decision until I no longer have to debate it with myself.

That's great. There is a lot of power in the ability to walk away. It's not easy and I don't know if it ever will be. But I am doing well and I'm thrilled about it. Glad you are as well.

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Today is day number 11 without PMO but I did O yesterday afternoon with my wife. I think that's ok.

Last night and again this morning I had an urge to PMO but have resisted.

 

[JerryTX]

Welcome to the site. Great job on day 11. We all have similar stories with decades use of PMO. My journey to this point has not been without urges/temptations but since I started it back in April I believe the urge to PMO has weakened tremendously. I totally relate that being home alone is/was such a trigger for me to PMO. Now I find myself being mindful of this and redirect these urges. I have found several different ways to deal with this from leaving, exercising, prayer, reading, etc.. This site has been a huge help and my journal has been an important process of my beating this addiction for good. While my journey hasn't been "perfect" I have come a long way. Keep it up!

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Just checking in to keep myself on track.

14 days of no PMO so far. The urge comes and goes and sometimes I think I should PMO. Nothing wrong with it etc.

Then I remember the last time I tried to stop, I think it was only a week and I did PMO and thought "It's fine". Then a few months of slowly building back up to doing it all the time with the multiple browser tabs open and I knew I had to stop again. So have resisted so far.

 

[guitar1968]

Just checking in to keep myself on track.

14 days of no PMO so far. The urge comes and goes and sometimes I think I should PMO. Nothing wrong with it etc.

Then I remember the last time I tried to stop, I think it was only a week and I did PMO and thought "It's fine". Then a few months of slowly building back up to doing it all the time with the multiple browser tabs open and I knew I had to stop again. So have resisted so far.

Yeah, this is my big fear. There are some days that I feel like I'm doing so well, I could treat myself to a little PMO. I'll be fine. That's what I said the last time I had a pretty long streak. That was several years ago and it took me until April of this year to finally get sick of myself enough to really buckle down. I truly had it with myself in April. I was angry and disgusted. I think we all need to get to that place in order to make this stick. If your heart isn't in it, it's way too easy to be pulled back in.

Stay strong and keep moving on!

 

[IrishNoMorePorn]

Ok. I said I was going to be honest as there's no point lying. No one knows me here.

19 days without PMO.

However, I did have sex with my wife on day 10 to O.

On day 17 I did MO. Did not use porn but a bit disappointed with myself. I was thinking about my wife. I thought it would be fine, as that little devil on my shoulder tells me, but afterwards I felt I let myself down. It has given me more resolve to not give in again though.