Day 54! No desire to PMO. I was meditating today on those moments where I would naturally get aroused, where I was just intensly h***y and was full of desire. Those moments where I O with a partner, and I would shake and quiver and go all crazy. I feel so alive during those moments. In my 35 years of life, I never experienced this sexual dryness like I have over these last few months. Although september had a lot of great sexual experiences, I've never been to the point where it feels like I'm out of touch with my sexuality. In the past, I would just be on fire. Getting turned on was easy for me. I've always been a playful, sensual person. Everything about me expressed my sensuality. The way I dress, the music I listen too, my creativity and excitement about getting sexual. And dancing for me, is the highest form of expressing my sensuality. In a positive way ofcourse. Now I'm left with nothing. It's just incredible how I and others have distorted, damaged, and broken my sexuality. I am left with nothing. I've always considered myself to be highly sexual and sensual. I couldn't understand when people said they lived in sexless marriages. For me, the one thing that made me crazy about marriage was all the sex I would have. Today I find myself in a loving, stable relationship with an incredible human being who I want to F the brains out but have not been able to fully enjoy my sexuality in my relationship. This moment of dryness has to be preparing me for something. This is not just happenstance. Shit like this doesn't just happen to fuck with my brain or life. There's something more to this. Is this how the universe is wipping out all the distorted, traumatic, damaged and broken aspects of my sexuality? Am I being led to another dimension of my sexuality? One that is beyond my wildest desires. Yes, I'm going to believe it so. I've been holding on to this mediocre way of getting my sexual needs met. Fuck that. I've felt sad, hopeless, angry, frustrated, I've been in denial several times trying to bargain with it. O shit, I think I've just been grieving the loss of not wanting to rely on porn, not wanting to rely on fantasy. I feel like I'm in the acceptance stage of this journey where I absolutely do not want to go back to that life anymore. I'm willing to go however long I need to go in this process of dryness to liberate and free myself. Go through this process with intention, with grace, with purpose, with faith and belief that there's more that's in stored for me in this area of my life. I'm not sure how the universe will manifest this in my life but it will happen. I'm cool with living the next 35 years of my life having the most incredible sex with my husband; growing old and wrinkly but happy because I got laid and it was incredible. Welcome to my world folks all jokes aside though I'm willing to sacrifice now and go through this process now. There's no better time than now. Yes, it will get tough but it's part of the process. My faith and my belief will make it so.