My journey to sexual healing ✨

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 54! No desire to PMO. I was meditating today on those moments where I would naturally get aroused, where I was just intensly h***y and was full of desire. Those moments where I O with a partner, and I would shake and quiver and go all crazy. I feel so alive during those moments. In my 35 years of life, I never experienced this sexual dryness like I have over these last few months. Although september had a lot of great sexual experiences, I've never been to the point where it feels like I'm out of touch with my sexuality. In the past, I would just be on fire. Getting turned on was easy for me. I've always been a playful, sensual person. Everything about me expressed my sensuality. The way I dress, the music I listen too, my creativity and excitement about getting sexual. And dancing for me, is the highest form of expressing my sensuality. In a positive way ofcourse. Now I'm left with nothing. It's just incredible how I and others have distorted, damaged, and broken my sexuality. I am left with nothing. I've always considered myself to be highly sexual and sensual. I couldn't understand when people said they lived in sexless marriages. For me, the one thing that made me crazy about marriage was all the sex I would have. Today I find myself in a loving, stable relationship with an incredible human being who I want to F the brains out but have not been able to fully enjoy my sexuality in my relationship. This moment of dryness has to be preparing me for something. This is not just happenstance. Shit like this doesn't just happen to fuck with my brain or life. There's something more to this. Is this how the universe is wipping out all the distorted, traumatic, damaged and broken aspects of my sexuality? Am I being led to another dimension of my sexuality? One that is beyond my wildest desires. Yes, I'm going to believe it so. I've been holding on to this mediocre way of getting my sexual needs met. Fuck that. I've felt sad, hopeless, angry, frustrated, I've been in denial several times trying to bargain with it. O shit, I think I've just been grieving the loss of not wanting to rely on porn, not wanting to rely on fantasy. I feel like I'm in the acceptance stage of this journey where I absolutely do not want to go back to that life anymore. I'm willing to go however long I need to go in this process of dryness to liberate and free myself. Go through this process with intention, with grace, with purpose, with faith and belief that there's more that's in stored for me in this area of my life. I'm not sure how the universe will manifest this in my life but it will happen. I'm cool with living the next 35 years of my life having the most incredible sex with my husband; growing old and wrinkly but happy because I got laid 😄 🤣 and it was incredible. Welcome to my world folks 🌎 all jokes aside though I'm willing to sacrifice now and go through this process now. There's no better time than now. Yes, it will get tough but it's part of the process. My faith and my belief will make it so. 🙏
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Day 54! No desire to PMO. I was meditating today on those moments where I would naturally get aroused, where I was just intensly h***y and was full of desire. Those moments where I O with a partner, and I would shake and quiver and go all crazy. I feel so alive during those moments. In my 35 years of life, I never experienced this sexual dryness like I have over these last few months. Although september had a lot of great sexual experiences, I've never been to the point where it feels like I'm out of touch with my sexuality. In the past, I would just be on fire. Getting turned on was easy for me. I've always been a playful, sensual person. Everything about me expressed my sensuality. The way I dress, the music I listen too, my creativity and excitement about getting sexual. And dancing for me, is the highest form of expressing my sensuality. In a positive way ofcourse. Now I'm left with nothing. It's just incredible how I and others have distorted, damaged, and broken my sexuality. I am left with nothing. I've always considered myself to be highly sexual and sensual. I couldn't understand when people said they lived in sexless marriages. For me, the one thing that made me crazy about marriage was all the sex I would have. Today I find myself in a loving, stable relationship with an incredible human being who I want to F the brains out but have not been able to fully enjoy my sexuality in my relationship. This moment of dryness has to be preparing me for something. This is not just happenstance. Shit like this doesn't just happen to fuck with my brain or life. There's something more to this. Is this how the universe is wipping out all the distorted, traumatic, damaged and broken aspects of my sexuality? Am I being led to another dimension of my sexuality? One that is beyond my wildest desires. Yes, I'm going to believe it so. I've been holding on to this mediocre way of getting my sexual needs met. Fuck that. I've felt sad, hopeless, angry, frustrated, I've been in denial several times trying to bargain with it. O shit, I think I've just been grieving the loss of not wanting to rely on porn, not wanting to rely on fantasy. I feel like I'm in the acceptance stage of this journey where I absolutely do not want to go back to that life anymore. I'm willing to go however long I need to go in this process of dryness to liberate and free myself. Go through this process with intention, with grace, with purpose, with faith and belief that there's more that's in stored for me in this area of my life. I'm not sure how the universe will manifest this in my life but it will happen. I'm cool with living the next 35 years of my life having the most incredible sex with my husband; growing old and wrinkly but happy because I got laid 😄 🤣 and it was incredible. Welcome to my world folks 🌎 all jokes aside though I'm willing to sacrifice now and go through this process now. There's no better time than now. Yes, it will get tough but it's part of the process. My faith and my belief will make it so. 🙏
Three things. First, lots of love to you. Second, yes you are left with nothing, but only of the past unreal life, for this is the start of real life full of everything you authentically desire. And lastly, you will make it, I know you will. You know you have a responsibility to lay the footsteps for me, for I follow you every single day, one day behind (now go and play the song 'I am watching you'... and dance to it). You are doing great! :)
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Three things. First, lots of love to you. Second, yes you are left with nothing, but only of the past unreal life, for this is the start of real life full of everything you authentically desire. And lastly, you will make it, I know you will. You know you have a responsibility to lay the footsteps for me, for I follow you every single day, one day behind (now go and play the song 'I am watching you'... and dance to it). You are doing great! :)
😭😭😭😭 thanks vid, that's a sweet message. The past unreal life statement hit home. May Sunday be a day full of all the things you love! ✨
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 56 and no desire to PMO! Yesterday and today I've been in acceptance and comfortable with letting go, releasing and setting myself free from the world of porn, sex and fantasy that I've come to resort and depend on. Little by little, I'm cultivating thoughts around a new sexual ideal. I'm beginning to own, take responsibility, develop capacity and agency around a new sexual ideal that is true, authentic and genuine for me. Yesterday I went to an event that focused on the healing of my family tree. I found that I have already broken many patterns of dysfunction, addictions, etc. Woo-hoo!! I'm now left with the mother of all dysfunction in my family.. unhealthy sexual outlets. For generations, unhealthy sexual outlets dominated my family. I am now in this position where I've lived and experience these things; and I'm going to do whatever it takes so that I do not pass this on to future generations.. that's if I have children. If my child becomes a porn addict it will be of his or her choosing because I will not promote that kind of environment in my home. As I look back at my past, I've seriously been thinking that I'm grateful I got into P. It really could have been much worse based on the kind of stuff I experienced. I could've gone the prostitution route or become a P star myself!!! 🎬 I'm going to start being a little more grateful for P. It's probably the biggest blessing in disguise for me. Many of my family members died without healing this part of their lives. Not me. I'm going to live to tell the story and help others tell their story. 🌄🥲🙏🧗‍♀️🤸‍♀️🧘‍♀️
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Day 56 and no desire to PMO! Yesterday and today I've been in acceptance and comfortable with letting go, releasing and setting myself free from the world of porn, sex and fantasy that I've come to resort and depend on. Little by little, I'm cultivating thoughts around a new sexual ideal. I'm beginning to own, take responsibility, develop capacity and agency around a new sexual ideal that is true, authentic and genuine for me. Yesterday I went to an event that focused on the healing of my family tree. I found that I have already broken many patterns of dysfunction, addictions, etc. Woo-hoo!! I'm now left with the mother of all dysfunction in my family.. unhealthy sexual outlets. For generations, unhealthy sexual outlets dominated my family. I am now in this position where I've lived and experience these things; and I'm going to do whatever it takes so that I do not pass this on to future generations.. that's if I have children. If my child becomes a porn addict it will be of his or her choosing because I will not promote that kind of environment in my home. As I look back at my past, I've seriously been thinking that I'm grateful I got into P. It really could have been much worse based on the kind of stuff I experienced. I could've gone the prostitution route or become a P star myself!!! 🎬 I'm going to start being a little more grateful for P. It's probably the biggest blessing in disguise for me. Many of my family members died without healing this part of their lives. Not me. I'm going to live to tell the story and help others tell their story. 🌄🥲🙏🧗‍♀️🤸‍♀️🧘‍♀️
I just have to repeat myself here - you are the light within yourself. The steps you are taking shows your resolve, self-compassion and hopefulness. praises to you.

The point of we not stumbling on other habit is so pertinent. I have thought about it a lot as well. I fear that if it was not my books and pixels, it would have been some hard drug or alcohol. I see myself prone to extremes when I was growing up, never satisfied with what was in the world. I am so grateful too, that it was pixel and not meth that eroded me. I have been reading the book 'never enough' on addiction and it is so insightful to understand the extent of addiction people can get into, similar to pixels, but with much more sever physical and social consequences. Your point about breaking the generational cycle is also pretty accurate! You have my and this forums support in every way in this journey. More power to my courageous friend!
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 57! No desire to PMO my friends! I had a dream about this fantasy I've always had so I woke up and didnt make a big deal about it or put any meaning to it. I then closed my eyes to fall asleep, the fantasy came back to mind but I just didn't feel turned on by it. In my dream, I also said, "this is part of my past, I want to resolve this part of my past". I looked at the person in my fantasy and said I was sorry for using them.... hmmm, dreams can be interesting sometimes... what do you guys think about dreams?

I took my car in to have the windshield replaced and that same night I seriously had the most vivid dream of them destroying my car 🏎 The next day I get a call from the dealership and they tell me that one of the technicians dropped his gigantic tool on the hood and it scratched the hood and driver door... it's been two weeks now and they're still working on my car 🙃 moral of the story.... dreams probably have a way of telling us something??
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Day 57! No desire to PMO my friends! I had a dream about this fantasy I've always had so I woke up and didnt make a big deal about it or put any meaning to it. I then closed my eyes to fall asleep, the fantasy came back to mind but I just didn't feel turned on by it. In my dream, I also said, "this is part of my past, I want to resolve this part of my past". I looked at the person in my fantasy and said I was sorry for using them.... hmmm, dreams can be interesting sometimes... what do you guys think about dreams?

I took my car in to have the windshield replaced and that same night I seriously had the most vivid dream of them destroying my car 🏎 The next day I get a call from the dealership and they tell me that one of the technicians dropped his gigantic tool on the hood and it scratched the hood and driver door... it's been two weeks now and they're still working on my car 🙃 moral of the story.... dreams probably have a way of telling us something??
I don't see my premonition powers developing, but I have had dreams about my reboot as well. In the last 1 month, at lest 3 times, I dreamt that I was being lured into watching P, and me saying no (by who I don't know and don't remember). I got so agitated that I woke up each of the three times. I took it as my intent making its way to my subconscious - I don't want P even in my dreams.

On the broader topic of dreams Freud has done some work on the interpretation of the dreams - he claimed it is the reflection of events that have, in the past and present, made a mark on us. Your description sounds like your authenticity is seeping into your dreams and making a mark.

And On a very serious note, this mechanic better fix your car. Your locomotive freedom, directly derived from the US constitution, is being denied! But on the positive note, you are rocking this journey (even without a car) :) Day 60 beckons.
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
I don't see my premonition powers developing, but I have had dreams about my reboot as well. In the last 1 month, at lest 3 times, I dreamt that I was being lured into watching P, and me saying no (by who I don't know and don't remember). I got so agitated that I woke up each of the three times. I took it as my intent making its way to my subconscious - I don't want P even in my dreams.

On the broader topic of dreams Freud has done some work on the interpretation of the dreams - he claimed it is the reflection of events that have, in the past and present, made a mark on us. Your description sounds like your authenticity is seeping into your dreams and making a mark.

And On a very serious note, this mechanic better fix your car. Your locomotive freedom, directly derived from the US constitution, is being denied! But on the positive note, you are rocking this journey (even without a car) :) Day 60 beckons.
You're on fire vid!!! 🔥 You're ability to reject P even in your dreams absolutely speaks volumes 👏👏👏💪

And yes, on a very serious note, picked up my car yesterday 🥲 I'm back to shifting gears 🕹
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 60!!!! No desire to PMO! Yesssssss, my two month mark has arrived! Blessed and grateful 🙏

I was also blessed with intense arousal, desire and pleasure today. It was natural, it was generated by my own being and not on P or the fantasies I used to rely on. Had a great time with my bf.

I truly want to focus this next year on rebuilding, retraining and restoring my biggest sexual organ which is my mind. I want to focus on developing within me the power to generate intense arousal, desire, horniness and pleasure. I want to forget about having an orgasm and all the expectations I've attributed to it. I want to go slow and steady. I'm on level one and I want to stay here for as long as I need too. Stay strong everyone, tomorrow is a new day!! Let's forgive ourselves for our yesterdays and let's focus on the present and what we can do this very moment 💝🫀🧘‍♀️🧘‍♂️🍯🎡🎢🎁🪅
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Day 60!!!! No desire to PMO! Yesssssss, my two month mark has arrived! Blessed and grateful 🙏

I was also blessed with intense arousal, desire and pleasure today. It was natural, it was generated by my own being and not on P or the fantasies I used to rely on. Had a great time with my bf.

I truly want to focus this next year on rebuilding, retraining and restoring my biggest sexual organ which is my mind. I want to focus on developing within me the power to generate intense arousal, desire, horniness and pleasure. I want to forget about having an orgasm and all the expectations I've attributed to it. I want to go slow and steady. I'm on level one and I want to stay here for as long as I need too. Stay strong everyone, tomorrow is a new day!! Let's forgive ourselves for our yesterdays and let's focus on the present and what we can do this very moment 💝🫀🧘‍♀️🧘‍♂️🍯🎡🎢🎁🪅
Our whole being is a play of chemicals in the labyrinth of ever changing neuron connections in the brain. We do now know exactly how it works, what the details are, but we do know some big general currents that make it work. What has come out from science, is same as the old age wisdom - the extreme of anything is going to create reactions and the cycle of pleasure and pain. The brain has evolved to remain in homeostasis and it does that via secreting chemicals that undo the current deviation from equilibrium. This creates the pleasure and pain cycle. To escape we all fell in the addiction of toxic external stimulus. But our brain is not capable of working with it, because it is not natural. The escape from these fluctuations is joy, the feeling of completeness at equilibrium, the feeling that we are enough, the feeling that we are loved and we are not alone. And to reach this nirvana, you need constant practice, and constant reinforcement via your new habits. Life will throw some curve balls at you, but once you have been though this journey you will find the strength within yourself to find the equilibrium, without the aid of addictive super stimulus.

You, my friend, are on your path to nirvana. I am happy for you and extremely proud of the effort you have put in. You are enough and you are not alone. Onward and upwards!
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Our whole being is a play of chemicals in the labyrinth of ever changing neuron connections in the brain. We do now know exactly how it works, what the details are, but we do know some big general currents that make it work. What has come out from science, is same as the old age wisdom - the extreme of anything is going to create reactions and the cycle of pleasure and pain. The brain has evolved to remain in homeostasis and it does that via secreting chemicals that undo the current deviation from equilibrium. This creates the pleasure and pain cycle. To escape we all fell in the addiction of toxic external stimulus. But our brain is not capable of working with it, because it is not natural. The escape from these fluctuations is joy, the feeling of completeness at equilibrium, the feeling that we are enough, the feeling that we are loved and we are not alone. And to reach this nirvana, you need constant practice, and constant reinforcement via your new habits. Life will throw some curve balls at you, but once you have been though this journey you will find the strength within yourself to find the equilibrium, without the aid of addictive super stimulus.

You, my friend, are on your path to nirvana. I am happy for you and extremely proud of the effort you have put in. You are enough and you are not alone. Onward and upwards!
The feeling/the state of being enough, loved and one with all creation. This is what matters above all. 👏👏
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 61 and no desire to PMO 😍 pretty good day overall. At some point I was listening to a talk about lust and all of a sudden I had a P scene make it's way to my mind. I quickly got up, grabbed my phone and immediately stopped the talk lol oh man. 😅
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
Day 63 my friends!!! No desire to PMO. It was an emotional weekend. Very grateful for it because I got the opportunity to address a few things. Friday evening, I thought it would be a great idea to bring a sexual experience I had when I was 4 years old to my awareness and do trauma work. It felt great to see it from a different angle and perspective. To talk to that tiny little lady and comfort her and love her and tell her how beautiful she is to me. 30 minutes after my practice I felt tremendous shame and guilt. Perhaps what I really felt at 4 years old but pushed away for survival reasons. So I decided to go about my life carrying this shame and guilt. I did the things i love to comfort me.. went hiking on Saturday, took myself on a picnic, made delicious food.. today I went rollerblading and also took a walk around the lake. But I felt lonely yesterday, I could've called my boyfriend to come over and just hold me and spend time with me but I didn't because perhaps I secretly believed i wasnt worthy of it or perhaps I held back from expressing my need for closeness, connection and human touch because I was full of shame and guilt. Two things happened here.. one, i now get to feel lonely, shame and guilt without relying on P to soothe or comfort me. And two, today, as an adult with a wounded child inside, I can soothe and comfort myself in loving and healthy ways and also LEARN to reach out to trustworthy people like my bf for extra lovin. I know there will be a next time. I now know what to do.

Had another intimate experience with my man today. Grateful for my natural arousal. ✨
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Day 63 my friends!!! No desire to PMO. It was an emotional weekend. Very grateful for it because I got the opportunity to address a few things. Friday evening, I thought it would be a great idea to bring a sexual experience I had when I was 4 years old to my awareness and do trauma work. It felt great to see it from a different angle and perspective. To talk to that tiny little lady and comfort her and love her and tell her how beautiful she is to me. 30 minutes after my practice I felt tremendous shame and guilt. Perhaps what I really felt at 4 years old but pushed away for survival reasons. So I decided to go about my life carrying this shame and guilt. I did the things i love to comfort me.. went hiking on Saturday, took myself on a picnic, made delicious food.. today I went rollerblading and also took a walk around the lake. But I felt lonely yesterday, I could've called my boyfriend to come over and just hold me and spend time with me but I didn't because perhaps I secretly believed i wasnt worthy of it or perhaps I held back from expressing my need for closeness, connection and human touch because I was full of shame and guilt. Two things happened here.. one, i now get to feel lonely, shame and guilt without relying on P to soothe or comfort me. And two, today, as an adult with a wounded child inside, I can soothe and comfort myself in loving and healthy ways and also LEARN to reach out to trustworthy people like my bf for extra lovin. I know there will be a next time. I now know what to do.

Had another intimate experience with my man today. Grateful for my natural arousal. ✨
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is choice. And your choice is clear here - real life, with no PMO. That tiny little lady deserves all the love and care, and you can provide it to her now. You are in control of your life and responses. The little girl in you was brave to survive all the trauma despite of all she had to face; she deserves a lot of appreciation for it. She does not have to carry that shield anymore. You are there to protect her and let her bloom. Your action to connect with nature is a response of your authentic self to counter stress and accept vulnerability. Your real self is emerging more and more. To feel lonely is all right. You taught me that loneliness gives you an opportunity to connect with our imperfections and be ok with it. But it is also, all right to ask for help from people who love and care for you. They love you as you are, and they will be delighted to be there for you in exactly the same state you want to be. There is no pretension any more. There is no performance. There is no pleasing. There is only the true who you are, and people who see you as you are. Rest of the people don't count anyway. You are worthy of every iota of love and care you crave. Just ask for it next time. The beauty within you is not dependent on how others see it; it is how you live it. It is not how I tell it to you, it is how your feel it. You are on your path to joy my friend. And I am delighted for you. Winter is coming, and little Arya is reday!
 

SexualHealing

Active Member
The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is choice. And your choice is clear here - real life, with no PMO. That tiny little lady deserves all the love and care, and you can provide it to her now. You are in control of your life and responses. The little girl in you was brave to survive all the trauma despite of all she had to face; she deserves a lot of appreciation for it. She does not have to carry that shield anymore. You are there to protect her and let her bloom. Your action to connect with nature is a response of your authentic self to counter stress and accept vulnerability. Your real self is emerging more and more. To feel lonely is all right. You taught me that loneliness gives you an opportunity to connect with our imperfections and be ok with it. But it is also, all right to ask for help from people who love and care for you. They love you as you are, and they will be delighted to be there for you in exactly the same state you want to be. There is no pretension any more. There is no performance. There is no pleasing. There is only the true who you are, and people who see you as you are. Rest of the people don't count anyway. You are worthy of every iota of love and care you crave. Just ask for it next time. The beauty within you is not dependent on how others see it; it is how you live it. It is not how I tell it to you, it is how your feel it. You are on your path to joy my friend. And I am delighted for you. Winter is coming, and little Arya is reday!
Whooooooaaaaaa! Vid, my friend. You just changed the game right now by mentioning Arya.. as in Indian actor Arya??

Truly appreciate the other stuff you wrote but just curious about Arya!! 😆
 

vidvan13

Active Member
Whooooooaaaaaa! Vid, my friend. You just changed the game right now by mentioning Arya.. as in Indian actor Arya??

Truly appreciate the other stuff you wrote but just curious about Arya!! 😆
I was referring to the famous quote from Game of Thrones - 'winter is coming'. Arya Stark, a young girl, is a central character in the show who fights demons.
 
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