What's the cause of your continuing porn addiction?

[joepanic]

Been coming here for close to 4 years had some successes and some failures. Tons of soul searching and educating myself. Now it comes down to why can I not find that final success? I'm sure this will not be popular but i am at the point of laying the blame at my wife's feet But to be honest I have been able to follow the patterns for several years. It is even somewhat documented in my 3 1/2 year long journal. I live in chaos always projects that need to be completed even when i ask we take no new ones on. House a total cluttered mess because of it. I have no time to follow my hobbies and interests(although she seems to have time for hers. I'm at my wits end. The thought of leaving her has actually popped into my mind unless at some point we can finally get out from behind the 8 ball. Only things that keep me here these days are I really do love her and I love our kids and don't want to break up our family. The stress I feel is unbelievable and sorry partners but porn relieves that stress. I have spoken to her time and time again regarding how I feel and offered up ideas but they fall on deaf ears as they may take away the control she feels she needs to live life So I guess life goes on

 

[jimthejones]

have have tried reaching out to a professional, such as a therapist?

 

[joepanic]

Therapist for what? porn addiction or marriage councilor?

 

[Fappy]

the cause of my porn addiction was definately my addiction to porn.
it was a really viscious cycle - the more you look at it the more you need to look at it, when you dont look at it you feel like shit, when you do look at it you feel like shit.
jsut stamp it out of your life now.
do you feel your addiction ot jerking off to porn has effected your marriage?

 

[joepanic]

As I have documented in my journal and touched on in my opening statement above in the last 3 and a half years I have had both successes (90+ days) as well as failures (relapses after 90 days clean) My topic was not what caused my porn addiction(that goes back 35 years) But what is currently causing my addiction to continue and I did say it has a lot to do with the chaotic super busy life my wife expects me to live. I find the more busy we are and less free time I have the more stress I experience and of course porn seemed to be able to calm that stress. I don't feel like shit after looking at it I don't feel like shit from not looking at it and it has in no way affected my marriage. Seeing as my wife knows that I watched porn and could not have cared less In a nutshell my current porn addiction is certainly tied into my wife's need for "control" an issue even she has admitted to having along with both her parents(its a wonder that marriage lasted) as well as other members of her family. I have discussed how being so busy has caused stress in my life. She figures I should be able to handle it because she can.

 

[vidvan13]

To be frank, and with the information you are portraying, you are in the wrong place. You need to get out of this situation for yourself if you want an authentic life. You need to answer the following: if porn was not an issue would you have been satisfactorily happy with your life? If not, you need to make changes. Your kids will be taken care of if you are kind and caring. Give them time and explanation and they will come to it. Regarding what keeps you watching porn, Fappy's answer is right your addiction to porn (neuro circuit's habit of dopamine). But what started this addiction is something you need to ask your inner child and interrogate. A full healing happens only when you fill those holes, otherwise relapse will be common once you release the 'control'. Listen to Dr. Trish Leigh's youtube videos. She is more or less very accurate on this issue. There are other resources as well. Educate yourself and take a reasoned step. Continuous stress is going to harm you both mentally and physically. There is no joy in the pixel life, only fake dopamine highs.

 

[joepanic]

Vidvan

Its funny that everyone is taking the opportunity here to analyze me and my addiction The thread was based on a question. What is the cause of your continuing porn addiction. I'm guessing you have not taken the opportunity to read through my almost 4 year long journal where i prove that I have had "successes". Where i have "dug deep" as to where my porn addiction began. And the steps and processes i have used to stay away from porn for extended periods of time And of course the education I have gained on the topic. You ask me if porn was not an issue would I be satisfactorily happy with my life. The answer to that is Yes I don't believe anywhere in this thread did I say I was "unhappy" But I did say I was stressed and have been using porn to soothe that stress. You mention "A full healing happens only when you fill those holes, otherwise relapse will be common once you release the control" to what control are you referring to? Again I didnt think my thread was based on analyzing my life

 

[Caravan7]

Hello joepanic,

I suspect a general answer for the question is not available, meaning that the cause of continuing addiction, even after several successes, may be specific to any one person. But it seems that between neuroscience, this community, psychological insights and the rest, we now can see several common threads.

The no 1 obvious thing is that, as all addiction experts report, stress is in fact the no. 1 trigger for the addiction, and the addiction itself serves to momentarily relieve that stress, keeping the vicious cycle on. You explain just as much yourself. So I agree with you that a messy life will likely keep you in the cycle. How about, say, focusing on your environment? Clean and organize, rationalize, reduce clutter, develop a routine. To me, tidiness in my space does wonders for my mental health. I also noticed in the past that when I was consistent exercising, the urge to MO diminished significantly.

So, speaking for myself, these days my strategy is multifaceted and practically helpful:
1. I keep tidy
2. I exercise regularly
3. I (should) eat better (ouch, not doing too well here right now)
4. I have a technique I made up myself to diffuse urges when they come
5. I have a therapist to examine the history (but I see you're not interested in this, so please disregard)

I think that in order to win one must attack the "enemy" from multiple angles, including all major aspects of lifestyle, body health, and mental health. This maybe obvious or cliché but nonetheless the sheer truth in my view.

Finally, lately I'm also thinking about sheer grit. The damn addiction is so damn powerful that one must resolve to be MORE powerful.

Cheers

 

[CoolBreeze]

Vidvan

Its funny that everyone is taking the opportunity here to analyze me and my addiction The thread was based on a question. What is the cause of your continuing porn addiction. I'm guessing you have not taken the opportunity to read through my almost 4 year long journal where i prove that I have had "successes". Where i have "dug deep" as to where my porn addiction began. And the steps and processes i have used to stay away from porn for extended periods of time And of course the education I have gained on the topic. You ask me if porn was not an issue would I be satisfactorily happy with my life. The answer to that is Yes I don't believe anywhere in this thread did I say I was "unhappy" But I did say I was stressed and have been using porn to soothe that stress. You mention "A full healing happens only when you fill those holes, otherwise relapse will be common once you release the control" to what control are you referring to? Again I didnt think my thread was based on analyzing my life

Honestly Joe.

If you feel members here are analyzing you and your addiction is because you asked them to. The most important entries of your journal are your first and your last. How you began and how you're continuing. In your first post you said December 2017 was your last viewing of porn. Here in 2021 you say you continue to use and kind of lash out at someone offering assistance and ideas to help.
We all need help and assistance when we are down and struggling.

I am 13 years sober from alcohol and 137 days sober from porn. Those numbers don't matter. All that matters is the end of this day and hopefully the beginning of the next day sober.

Peace and Strength

 

[joepanic]

Yes I see my search for a new forum is validated.

 

[vidvan13]

Vidvan

Its funny that everyone is taking the opportunity here to analyze me and my addiction The thread was based on a question. What is the cause of your continuing porn addiction. I'm guessing you have not taken the opportunity to read through my almost 4 year long journal where i prove that I have had "successes". Where i have "dug deep" as to where my porn addiction began. And the steps and processes i have used to stay away from porn for extended periods of time And of course the education I have gained on the topic. You ask me if porn was not an issue would I be satisfactorily happy with my life. The answer to that is Yes I don't believe anywhere in this thread did I say I was "unhappy" But I did say I was stressed and have been using porn to soothe that stress. You mention "A full healing happens only when you fill those holes, otherwise relapse will be common once you release the control" to what control are you referring to? Again I didnt think my thread was based on analyzing my life

I am sorry i misunderstood your question. apologies if this caused any hurt, it was not my intention. good luck with your quest.

 

[Brooks1542]

The reasons of my continuing porn use, apart from any brain chemistry type reasons, was mainly boredom and fear of intimacy.

I would have a wank at a similar time every day, not because I was horny but because it was something to fit into my empty schedule. The thought of masturbating gave me that dopamine hit that peaked my interest when I was just mindlessly waste time watching YouTube or binging a TV series.

I also have quite a strong fear of intimacy and more specifically sex, so porn use always appeared to be the only option for me to sexual gratify myself.

I would assume the reasons I've given probably don't apply to a lot of people.

 

[vidvan13]

The reasons of my continuing porn use, apart from any brain chemistry type reasons, was mainly boredom and fear of intimacy.

I would have a wank at a similar time every day, not because I was horny but because it was something to fit into my empty schedule. The thought of masturbating gave me that dopamine hit that peaked my interest when I was just mindlessly waste time watching YouTube or binging a TV series.

I also have quite a strong fear of intimacy and more specifically sex, so porn use always appeared to be the only option for me to sexual gratify myself.

I would assume the reasons I've given probably don't apply to a lot of people.

And why does boredom and fear of intimacy led you to porn? why is it not the same for every bored person with fear of intimacy, or is it? That would throw some more light on the origins of it, isn't it?

 

[CoolBreeze]

And why does boredom and fear of intimacy led you to porn? why is it not the same for every bored person with fear of intimacy, or is it? That would throw some more light on the origins of it, isn't it?

Porn Addiction or any addiction doesn't manifest the same way for every individual. Boredom can be part of the cycle of addiction for many individuals. Some can have fear of intimacy or no desire for intimacy.

There's physical intimacy, mental intimacy,emotional intimacy and spiritual intimacy. All combined can be a healthy intimate experience. I believe just a physical sexual experience doesn't equal intimacy. I believe mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing along with the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspect leads to healthy intimacy. Part of Porn Addiction is detaching from from the above aspects of intimacy.

I believe a person can find these aspects of intimacy within themselves. I feel as though I have, by connecting with myself physically mentally , emotionally and spiritually and sharing that connection to myself with a partner. With PMO we are detaching not just from a real life partner but from ourselves.

 

[96LostWanderer]

I would assume the reasons I've given probably don't apply to a lot of people.

I can relate to both of those reasons. Boredom is a big factor. Finding other hobbies or interests to do instead of looking at porn can be helpful. Right now I’m reading an interesting book and hopefully next time I feel like relapsing I’ll be able to read the book instead to distract myself.