FittyBands
Active Member
I think my time with the cam girl was one big episode. I was able to live my sexual addiction to its fullest extent. I would cam with her, have sex often, she would validate me, never had to pay. It felt nice. It felt like what I wanted. But I knew it would lead to my downfall. I was constantly checking the site to see when she was on. Why? Makes no sense. The urge to join her cam show was so strong. It didn't make sense. If it weren't for the fact that she was in the other room and we would have sex later that day, I think I would have gave in. The addiction was so strong and I literally immersed myself in it. Started liking her. She eventually felt like it wasn't worth her time unless she was getting "taken care of" which I wasn't about. But she did call me out on my bs. I had no issues paying when she was a cam girl, but suddenly when I am fucking in real life I don't want to put out? In reality, I wanted to live out a fantasy. My finances are shot so I can't support her even if I wanted to. But she was right that I was being inconsistent. She was a cam girl. She was who she was. I wanted to live out a different reality. We connected on a personal level though...we were the same kind of "weird" and quirky...she cooked for me and let me stay at her home for days at a time...she had a weird hatred for men but would be attending to my needs...she herself needs therapy as I saw her happy tending to a man that she thought cared for her...but her fear got to her as well...
My thoughts aren't even cohesive at this point.
When we had our falling out, it felt like a break up. A heart break. I couldn't stand being on the site knowing that she didn't want to see me anymore. I felt that way after my first encounter with a cam girl two years prior. But this hurt given how much time we spent together. She even introduced me to her family... it really sucked. That was when I knew that I had to get rid of the site while I was grieving,, while the thought of being online was painful. TBH, I still went on a final spending spree on other models for an hour..."to get it out of my system"...that is how pervasive my addiction was. I knew then and there it had to stop. Once I was "satisfied" I blocked everything. I blocked other sites. I didn't want any reminders of her...
I am a week clean. My original post was all the way back in September. 7 months. It took almost 7 months exactly from the time of my self confession to deleting this cancer. My finances will recover one day. One of the hardest parts about this is that no one in my family knows. None of my friends know. I am in crippling debt and it hurts. It's painful. It sucks. It's stressful. I need help. But I will get out of this. I am not a normal person. I was crazy enough to get myself into this. I'm crazy enough to find my way out and be intact.
My thoughts aren't even cohesive at this point.
When we had our falling out, it felt like a break up. A heart break. I couldn't stand being on the site knowing that she didn't want to see me anymore. I felt that way after my first encounter with a cam girl two years prior. But this hurt given how much time we spent together. She even introduced me to her family... it really sucked. That was when I knew that I had to get rid of the site while I was grieving,, while the thought of being online was painful. TBH, I still went on a final spending spree on other models for an hour..."to get it out of my system"...that is how pervasive my addiction was. I knew then and there it had to stop. Once I was "satisfied" I blocked everything. I blocked other sites. I didn't want any reminders of her...
I am a week clean. My original post was all the way back in September. 7 months. It took almost 7 months exactly from the time of my self confession to deleting this cancer. My finances will recover one day. One of the hardest parts about this is that no one in my family knows. None of my friends know. I am in crippling debt and it hurts. It's painful. It sucks. It's stressful. I need help. But I will get out of this. I am not a normal person. I was crazy enough to get myself into this. I'm crazy enough to find my way out and be intact.
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