Man read your story and it almost triggered me and gave me some low-level anxiety, I can resonate in terms of where you were and it's honestly shocking to see that something like this could happen. I see you man, I understand how tough it must feel.
I have struggled with addiction myself (though never paying, except for 10$ credits every few weeks or months).
I think what you are honestly missing is seeing through what this really is, which is a waste of time.
To understand more why porn and things related to it DON'T PRESENT ANY ACTUAL VALUE to you I can suggest a method and book which is taken from a very popular method in the quitting-smoking world.
I've read both the original book ("The easy way to quit smoking") and that remade version for porn users. This stuff seems to actually work. And best thing... it's free.
Also, see some interviews & confessions of cam models, prostitutes etc to see through the lies and emotional-cheapness / fake-ness of cam models.
Man, if this fails go have some psychedelic (shroom, Aya) trip and/or see a therapist. If you have a medical insurance, you might be able to get the therapist for free.
Finally, I feel bad for your girlfriend at the time. She didn't deserve to waste her time in such a way, and you owe it to her and your future partners to get your mind straight about this shit. Stop the crap.
I have struggled with addiction myself (though never paying, except for 10$ credits every few weeks or months).
I think what you are honestly missing is seeing through what this really is, which is a waste of time.
To understand more why porn and things related to it DON'T PRESENT ANY ACTUAL VALUE to you I can suggest a method and book which is taken from a very popular method in the quitting-smoking world.
EasyPeasy Method.
A completely free and open source method for quitting pornography easily and without willpower.
easypeasymethod.org
I've read both the original book ("The easy way to quit smoking") and that remade version for porn users. This stuff seems to actually work. And best thing... it's free.
Also, see some interviews & confessions of cam models, prostitutes etc to see through the lies and emotional-cheapness / fake-ness of cam models.
Man, if this fails go have some psychedelic (shroom, Aya) trip and/or see a therapist. If you have a medical insurance, you might be able to get the therapist for free.
Finally, I feel bad for your girlfriend at the time. She didn't deserve to waste her time in such a way, and you owe it to her and your future partners to get your mind straight about this shit. Stop the crap.