May I ask how you lost 90% on your assets? I consider myself financially literate too, and am just curious how such a huge loss could happen.Hi all,
My name is Rey and I have a horrible cam girl addiction. I am writing this so I can actually talk to people about this. I am incredibly embarrassed and ashamed and I need outside help. I need to share my story. I am angry. Pissed. Ashamed. Most importantly, I feel like I have lost control of myself.
This all started senior year of college. I always have struggled with porn, but I never let it take over my life. However, my senior year, I dabbled with paying for premium porn, something I had never done previously, to see some models' videos. From this, I was introduced to a cam girl site. I was curious and made an account. That summer after I graduated, I kept going to the site, camming with a variety of girls, and feeling euphoric. Before I knew it, I spent more than $2000 over a few weeks. I realized that it was a problem and wanted to make a plan to stop... I never imagined I would be here, years later.
Now, you might be thinking: single, didn't get much attention from girls, clearly he was looking for an outlet to connect with women and fell into a rabbit hole.
I wish that was the case. The source of my addiction is a much deeper, more sinister, and harder problem to tackle.
When my addiction began, I was sexually active and dating people. I was even already talking to someone kind of seriously, who eventually became my girlfriend. I wouldn't call myself a ladies man or someone who got sex anytime they wanted, but I was someone with some options, with the ability to see women and to have a meaningful emotional connection in real life. I was not using this addiction to fill a void of not having anyone to feel connected to: my addiction fed my ego, and it became more apparent as my addiction grew worse.
Like I mentioned previously, I spent $2000 in a few weeks. I was hooked. I liked the variety. I loved how the girls complimented me on my body and on my "member down there". I felt constantly validated. I loved being able to see all these women and have fun with them anytime I wanted, all with the click of a button. No dates, no bs. If I didn't like them, I could just switch to someone else. Sometimes, I would use silly usernames to make girls think I was some unattractive, small membered "loser", only to surprise them once they saw me on cam. I loved their reactions and how quickly they would be nice to me and turned on. Some would do extra stuff for me, or perform more things for me more than what I was technically paying for, or be willing to talk to me outside the site. I felt like a king. I loved the abundance of attention, and the validation I received because of my member.
However, I knew this shit had to stop. I had a lot of money saved up, some growing investments, and was moving and starting a new job. I had just purchased a new car, and I had great credit. I didn't want to ruin what I had achieved.
I would go through cycles of spending money on the site and going cold turkey, all while seeing my girlfriend regularly. I never told her. I knew she would not be okay with it. After a few months, I blew my savings. However, my investments were intact and I spent just enough so that I could pay for all my necessities and the addiction with little money left over. I eventually discontinued my account, asked for my name to be blacklisted, and blocked the site. It worked. For almost a year, it became a thing of the past. I felt normal again. Then, one day, the urge became too strong. I made a similar account on a new site, and it started to get worse from there.
I slowly led myself into more and more credit card debt. Some days, I would spend more than $600. By now, covid had hit and I was working from home. I was slowing down with my work, doing projects more slowly. I started becoming more irrational and making worse financial decisions. I blew up my investment accounts, losing over 95%. I started racking up more and more debt. My credit limits were very high, and I ended up maxing out each card one by one. I still made sure I could pay for my necessities and pay those off each month, but my addiction was causing my debt to grow and grow. Again, I was sucked into the validation. The variety. By this point my girlfriend and I had broken up, but I was still seeing people, still being sexually active. But that didn't curb my addiction. I just loved the variety, how easy it was to access these women. I would try blocking the sites, but I would become too tenacious and find a way to make a new account, this time on another new site.
To combat this addiction, I would try watching porn if I felt the urge. I recognized that porn was not going to be a long term solution, but at least it was free. If I felt the need to bust a nut, make it a free nut. I figured, if I could transfer this addiction to porn, at least my bank account could recover while I work on myself.
I would try only camming on certain days, on weekends, or with cheaper models. I figured, going cold turkey may not work, but phasing out of this addiction could work. Just do it less often and with cheaper models. Luckily, there was no correlation between model price and model attraction. However, I still desired some of the more expensive models, regardless of how much I liked the cheaper ones. Again, it was all about variety.
Now, it has become a daily battle. I check the site everyday. Sometimes I win, but some days I give in. I waste hours on the site and not doing work. My room is unclean. I don't cook as often. I can barely pay my rent. I know that if I can't get a hold of this, I will not be able to pay rent, pay my car note, or take care of my basic needs. I feel like I have lost control of myself. I am buried in so much debt. It will take many years to get back to square one. I even asked a family member for money, promising to pay them back by taking out some of the remaining money I had in my investments, and then I subsequently blew it again on my addiction. Now, I have yet to pay them back and they are understandably upset with me. I broke the trust of a family member. I feel like I am not myself and I hate that I have this addiction. I never imagined this would happen to me. I feel so ashamed. I just want help.