[Thread was copied over from the PIED forum... I plan to document my journey here for both myself and anyone reading who might be in a similar situation or just wishes to show support]
I've always been a purveyor of internet porn... most of it innocent enough when I was young. I think it was during my service in the army that things got worse, with me branching out to hentai where I was exposed to more and more extreme material. Looking back now the signs were clear. I used to be a wildly horny guy, having to hide the rock hard erections I had in high school even when I had sex the night before. All that changed when I went to the army and the lack of females led to me relying more and more on internet porn. I'd start from masturbating while taking a shit, to masturbating on duty and even watching porn while manning the ops room in the camera's blind spot while everyone else slept beside me.
All this time I had this voice in my mind telling me I needed to stop, and even while jerking off I'll be filled with guilt and regret of what I did. Things never clicked until a few weeks ago when I slept with a cheerleader. Here she was on my bed, moaning and begging for me, asking for me to give her the night of her life. Yet I was limp...and I knew exactly why. I had felt no greater shame in my life than when I had to command her to finger herself while I went to the bathroom. "I need to pee" I said, after which I went to google porn while rapidly jerking my limp member.
I ended that night a sinner. She had entrusted herself and her first experience to me willingly... and I left her feeling undesired and cold on the bed. I am writing this to remember the pain I felt, and the remorse I feel towards her. I silently cried the next day after she left, both for her and at myself for allowing myself to sink so deep.
I have lasted one week and 2 days without relapsing to porn, masturbation or orgasm and I plan to keep it that way. It's going be full no PMO. I've started by deleting all my porn, blocking the websites I normally purvey as well as disabling adult content on Instagram. I believe the journey will be worth it in the end and I want nothing more than to recover my sexuality.
I've always been a purveyor of internet porn... most of it innocent enough when I was young. I think it was during my service in the army that things got worse, with me branching out to hentai where I was exposed to more and more extreme material. Looking back now the signs were clear. I used to be a wildly horny guy, having to hide the rock hard erections I had in high school even when I had sex the night before. All that changed when I went to the army and the lack of females led to me relying more and more on internet porn. I'd start from masturbating while taking a shit, to masturbating on duty and even watching porn while manning the ops room in the camera's blind spot while everyone else slept beside me.
All this time I had this voice in my mind telling me I needed to stop, and even while jerking off I'll be filled with guilt and regret of what I did. Things never clicked until a few weeks ago when I slept with a cheerleader. Here she was on my bed, moaning and begging for me, asking for me to give her the night of her life. Yet I was limp...and I knew exactly why. I had felt no greater shame in my life than when I had to command her to finger herself while I went to the bathroom. "I need to pee" I said, after which I went to google porn while rapidly jerking my limp member.
I ended that night a sinner. She had entrusted herself and her first experience to me willingly... and I left her feeling undesired and cold on the bed. I am writing this to remember the pain I felt, and the remorse I feel towards her. I silently cried the next day after she left, both for her and at myself for allowing myself to sink so deep.
I have lasted one week and 2 days without relapsing to porn, masturbation or orgasm and I plan to keep it that way. It's going be full no PMO. I've started by deleting all my porn, blocking the websites I normally purvey as well as disabling adult content on Instagram. I believe the journey will be worth it in the end and I want nothing more than to recover my sexuality.