Back in the ring...hoping to go the distance

unchained

unchained

Active Member
Hey guys. I'm back after disappearing for over 3 years.

I've been reading through journals and success stories and decided I need to start a new journal for myself.

For me, the last three years I have more-or-less surrendered to fighting porn. I've fallen into a cycle of pmo sessions 3 to 4 times a week. I had all but accepted this was going to be my life moving forward.

However there is this nagging voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me of the times when I've managed to live without porn. I really want to get back there again but needed a bit of a kick in the pants to get motivated.

Two things happened this week to make me decide to try again:

1. I'm on vacation and forgot my laptop at home. Sounds silly, but I've found the best way not to give in to temptation is to remove the temptation entirely. This will give me over a weeks separation from porn rather easily. A week head-start is a good thing.
2. I experienced PIED with the wife on our 2nd night here. I was also drinking heavily and it was a rushed situation but I am sick of it.

So...here we go again. I am on day 8. I plan to go hard mode for 90 and see where that takes me. Wife's birthday is 89 days so I'll give myself some grace if I come up a day short...lol

I've also been re-reading my old journal, though it's quite long. It helps to know I have had some past success, but it is also full of really wonderful advise from guys here on the forum...some that I see are still posting.

Anyway, if you are interested in my past, I have a 17 page journal out there but want to begin again with a fresh start.

Best wishes for everyone here.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Day 9. It's my last day at the beach. It's beautiful here and I'll hate to leave tomorrow.

I spent this morning reading through journals including my old one. I can see now that I have a lot of work to do to get anywhere close to where I was before.

I'm thankful for the journals of others and I'm thankful for my own. At one time there was a me who was way further down the road to recovery from all this crap. I'd like to say I stayed on the road but I didn't.

Re-reading through my own successes and failures has awakened feelings that would otherwise have been forgotten. I know I can get back to where I was because I've been there before.

Today I woke in the middle of a dream that was sexual in nature and I had modest mw. I would normally let my mind indulge in fantasy but today I didn't. I did feel a bit of nervous anxiety for an hour or so after waking but it has passed.

For me, a very uncomfortable anxiety sets in after a week or so and lasts a couple of weeks after it starts. I know it's coming and I dread it so much. It always happens to me. I feel like a nervous wreck until it subsides. Oh well...just part of the process.

At the risk of getting too churchy today I just thought of 2 things 2 different preachers said that have stuck in my mind. The first was "it's ok to not be ok, but it's no ok to stay that way. When you recognize you have a problem you seek God's help to fix it...and then you get to work doing your part". The 2nd was a comment on Abraham. The preacher said "Abraham may have messed up, but he never gave up". If God could do so much with with a broken Abraham, surely I can quit tugging my junk to naked women on a computer screen.

I wish everyone here success.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Just got home. 9 hour drive. Just noticed I needed to correct my timezone on here.

Have some mild anxiety...kind of an uncomfortable nervous energy. It's ok. I knew it was coming and I know it will pass soon enough.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Woke up and it is day 11. Since being gone I have a lot of yardwork to do today. I subscribed to a couple of new porn addiction podcasts so I plan to give them a listen while I mow. In the past mowing would end up a time that I would willingly let my mind wander.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Not too bad today. I worked in my lawn and listened to Dr Trish Leigh's podcasts while I worked.

Feel good. Think I'll take another cold shower and watch a movie with my kids.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey, Unchained!

I remember you from back in 2014-16, where I had a journal called “The End of All Flesh”. My user name was “Leon”.

Good to see you again, present circumstances notwithstanding.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Phineas 808 said:
Hey, Unchained!

I remember you from back in 2014-16, where I had a journal called “The End of All Flesh”. My user name was “Leon”.

Good to see you again, present circumstances notwithstanding.
Click to expand...
Of course I remember you Leon-now-Phineas. I would like to think everyone else had knocked this thing out and moved on completely in the time since I was here last, but it is nice to see some familiar folks.

Thanks for the welcome Fappy.

Well, day 12 is almost in the books. I had a reasonably good day. It was my 1st day back to work after a week of vacation. Mondays tend to be rough anyway and coming back after vacation makes it harder. My business is smallish...I have about 17-18 employees. It seems like all of the decisions they either don't want to make (or refuse to make) while I am away get piled up on my plate waiting for my return. Two guys decided to call in sick. Couple that with my responsibilities that were not addressed for a week and customers, supplier, etc who knew I was gone and felt the best time to try to reach me first-thing Monday and it is a recipe for my brain to cry out for self-medication.

At times today when I was overwhelmed today I could feel my anxiety rise to a point of physical discomfort. It happened several times throughout the day, however, each time the anxiety subsided when I was able to slow down and breathe a bit. I do feel ok now in this moment.

Tonight at 6:30 I decided f'-it...I'm leaving here (my office), going for a long vigorous walk in a riverside park near my work and going home. My typical Monday in this situation would have been 7:30am to 10pm if not later.

So, I feel rather good about my day. When I got up I took a cold shower. I managed to go 7 minutes with the water full cold. After that I meditated before work. As I mentioned earlier I went for a sweat-producing walk and I'm gonna go take another cold shower before bed. I need to create a new routine that includes things that soothe my brain, do me some physical good, help expend some energy and leave me feeling positive about myself.

I mentioned a few posts back that I subscribed to a couple of new podcasts. In the past I have felt that listening to porn quitting podcasts helped keep me focused and they have definitely helped provide some tools. A couple that I liked from the past that are still going strong are Pornfreeradio by Matt Dobschuetz and XXX Afflictions & Porn Addictions by Craig Perra. A new one to me that has me very excited about recovery is called Porn Brain Reboot by Dr Trish Leigh. All three of these folks provide professional coaching but the podcasts are all free. I love Dr Trish Leigh's approach. If you decide to listen, start with the very first podcasts & work your way up. I truly think the information she shares about the brain science is mind blowing.

Sorry if this post is a bit rambling...it's just the things that are on my mind at the moment.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Day 18. Feeling good. Staying with my cold shower & meditation routine. Keeping myself busy with projects.

I'm getting better at picking up on when my brain starts suggesting escape. When that happens, something as simple as closing my eyes, breathing deep and 1-2 minutes of meditation can calm my brain. I've realized that I can do this throughout my day and it is a tremendous relief.

It's a beautiful day here and I plan to work outside today. My regular job is all indoors all day long. So, hopefully I can enjoy being in the sunshine today and get something accomplished as well.

I wish a joyful day to all.
 
unchained

unchained

Active Member
Had succesful sex with wife for 1st time this morning since starting this reboot 39 days ago. I planned to wait a full 90 days for sex but I've had morning wood 3 of the past five days. Since I'm improving in that department I figured the sooner I re-wire to real sex the better.

I feel good about it. I'm relaxed right now. Sometimes I over-focus on the whole ed or pied thing and this has put my mind a little more at-ease.

Next step for me is reaching out for professional help. I want a pro in my corner who can help guide me. I feel doing so will take months or years off of me working this out on my own. I've done lots of research and have made a decision...will let you know how it turns out.
 
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