1,5Y no PMO and relapsed

[Tohuvabohu]

Ok, Friends, here is my story, which is very typical.

Started at the age of 14 and quit at 38 after discovering Gary Wilson work and this website. Managed to withstand for 1.5Y but was away from home and wife for several months due to work, stressed with COVID changes and life uncertainty due to that so relapsed and proceeded with PMO for 14 months.

Noticing the degrading mood, concentration and family relation I quit 64 days ago. I already new where it all was coming from.

This time quitting was different. Previously I only had cravings and depression, This time I had the entire bunch of Psychic effects, such as severe anxiety, fear, panic attacks and aggression... Perhaps because I became more sensitive since my attempt try to what is happening in me.

The worst was the fear I experienced that came for no logical reason. The fear of death that physically felt in the solar plexus. Most difficult period was from 30 to day 45. On day 45 I was given some relief, just for an hour, so I could smile at last and dance with my daughter. From that day some improvements in my condition began, I can confirm that if I'd plot my mental condition it has a inclined saw shape, slowly going upward.

5 days ago I had nearly a psychedelic experience, I was outside and noticed that the grass has unusually vivid color, the one I've never seen before. I believe that's my serotonin comes to normal, just can't moor properly, since the brain is still damaged.

I do have a flat line, with unregular morning wood, which is not in the morning for some, but between 3-5 am. Only had sex once with my wife during this time, tried to be as sensual as possible to make absolutely different experience from MO.

Thank you all for posting your stories, they helped me the first time and they help me now. Feeling I'm not alone in this struggle is important
Cheers

 

[guitar1968]

Good luck with your journey. You have found the right place for support. This site has helped me tremendously. It's an ongoing battle that we all have to deal with daily but I do believe there is hope and things have improved for me so much since I started coming here in April of this year.

Keep checking back. Keep reading journals. Comment and get involved. Come here when you feel like opening a browser for porn.

 

[Phineas 808]

Welcome, Tohu wa-Bohu (I like your name).

Please keep telling your story, how it is to lapse after a long streak like 1.5 years.

Keep stringing lengthy streaks together, and you will beat this..!

 

[MK3583]

Just an FYI -You mentioned that your Morning Wood was unusual in that it was around 3am rather than in the morning. Most men have multiple Nocturnal Erections during sleep which have nothing to do with sexual activity or erotic dreams, etc. Nocturnal Erections are basically your brain doing a self system Diagnostic, making sure all systems are functioning properly. I know myself, sometimes those Boners wake me up. They are so hard and enjoyable to see again, LOL. "Morning Wood" is just usually the last one in the sleep cycle. But alas when you need your Penis to perform when you want, it is a different pathway in the Brain, and that is what we are all trying to fix.... Porn has short circuited us.
Don't give up. Start again.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Thanks for support, friends. How it was... I was locked in a room for two weeks, actually. At that time I worked at remote site and because of all that COVID insainity we were kept in a camp for two weeks before they allowed us to start the work. Unfortunately there was mobile internet with enough speed. I was bored and stressed, that was my last shift and I already hate the work I had, didn't really want to go there. So I relapsed.

 

[tohuwabohu]

The biggest problem with relapsing after a long period of time, for me, is that after 1.5Y I began to forget what I have passed through and what I achieved. Big big improvements were achieved. As I said a had remote location work, 12 hrs shifts, from 7am to 7 pm. Before no PMO I could barely last till 7 pm, by 3 pm I was complete rubbish, exhausted, no concentration. After 3 mnts of no PMO I was absolutely different, focused, no superenergy as some say, but more endurance definately. I began to do the things I've always postponed or was never brave to do. I began drumming and even learned to fly a sailplane. Then COVID ruined everything, or I bough tit like this, that really effected me. And returning to PMO after 14 mnths I became a person who is afraid of its shadow. I hope I'll not forged that experience.

 

[tohuwabohu]

It is day 68 today. I'm getting better, day 66 was no anxiety at all, the other days it is somewhere on a perifery of my mood, but does not effect me. My problem now is my sleep. I usually sleep 1-3 hrs then wake up and doze, no full rest. My tinnitis loudness also increased. Couple of nights I managed to sleep for 6-7 hours and I woke up very energised. I wish every night to be like this.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 72 today. Had a healthy sex with my wife yesterday, second time during this period. Two hours after that I began to feel anxious. Today anxiety became worse, very close to panic attack.

 

[LettingPornGo]

Hello,

Thanks very much for sharing your story, especially with various emotions and feelings you experienced after relapse to prepare someone like me on what's to come. I don't think I have every gone 1 year without porn, so I won't know what those feelings and emotions would be like..seems pretty scary, but have to work though it. Also, glad to know you have a great level of intimacy with your wife, and that it leads to more interactions this way ongoing.

 

[tohuwabohu]

do not be scared. It seems that everyone can react different. Even myself, I had nearly no anxiety during my first attempt but a lot of urges for watching P. And now I have no urges but alot of anxiety.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 78. It took 3 complete days for my poor brain to recover from sex. Again, I had anxiety and fear during this period. I've tried to link it to dropped dopamine level. There are many research articles in the internet on the dependency of anxiety and fear from dopamine. And mine was definitely low. I was observing my mood during the day, for instance, I woke up in the morning and planned my day or week: I was going to do this and that and had a will and energy to accomplish the tasks - I count this as normal level of dopamine. By lunch all these plans just evaporated from my head and replaced with anxiety and fear, often in a form of health anxiety, like if I go to a swimming pool I may have a trauma - I count this as low dopamine level. During these three days the point of my mood change in time postponed each day by several hours till anxiety thoughts became negligible. So I assume that my dopamine system recovers during sleep and then consumed during the day.
My sleep has improved a bit. I avoid watching mobile phone, news and etc for couple of hours before I go to bed, just read a book, drink a cup of sedative herbal tea, this helps.

 

[brandon1984]

Just an FYI -You mentioned that your Morning Wood was unusual in that it was around 3am rather than in the morning. Most men have multiple Nocturnal Erections during sleep which have nothing to do with sexual activity or erotic dreams, etc. Nocturnal Erections are basically your brain doing a self system Diagnostic, making sure all systems are functioning properly. I know myself, sometimes those Boners wake me up. They are so hard and enjoyable to see again, LOL. "Morning Wood" is just usually the last one in the sleep cycle. But alas when you need your Penis to perform when you want, it is a different pathway in the Brain, and that is what we are all trying to fix.... Porn has short circuited us.
Don't give up. Start again.

thanks for that info

 

[brandon1984]

Day 78. It took 3 complete days for my poor brain to recover from sex. Again, I had anxiety and fear during this period. I've tried to link it to dropped dopamine level. There are many research articles in the internet on the dependency of anxiety and fear from dopamine. And mine was definitely low. I was observing my mood during the day, for instance, I woke up in the morning and planned my day or week: I was going to do this and that and had a will and energy to accomplish the tasks - I count this as normal level of dopamine. By lunch all these plans just evaporated from my head and replaced with anxiety and fear, often in a form of health anxiety, like if I go to a swimming pool I may have a trauma - I count this as low dopamine level. During these three days the point of my mood change in time postponed each day by several hours till anxiety thoughts became negligible. So I assume that my dopamine system recovers during sleep and then consumed during the day.
My sleep has improved a bit. I avoid watching mobile phone, news and etc for couple of hours before I go to bed, just read a book, drink a cup of sedative herbal tea, this helps.

day 78 wow...keep goin! I see you down the line and it gives me a lot of hope. March on soldier!

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 90. Hi again day 90. An important check point, as they say old neuron paths degrade by that day. I definately feel better, no panic attacks any more. Focus and sleep are still rubbish and I still experience a flatline, I don't want to have sex at all. I know that if I'd fantasize I'd make myself ready for sex easily, but I avoid doing this. I have found my old record when I started my first nofap session, and found out that I have managed it for 2.5 Y, not 1.5, almost managed 1000 days. See how hooked I was, even after so much time of noPMO stress activated old path of stress relief. Something to remember for future urges.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 97. I Had sex on day 94, not because I wanted, more like an obligation, and was waiting for some consequences. And they came, I woke up in the middle of night full of anxiety and racing thoughts in my head, but them was not enough for a panic attack. That anxiety lasted for a day. Some improvement against three days last time. To my surprise processed shugars effect my condition, I cut them and feel myself more stable. I do not know if that is dopamine related... sugars are also addictive.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 106. Yesterday was the day that I felt NORMAL for the entire day since I started my abstination. I had slept well couple of nights.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 113. Still on the flatline. My woods have became morning but still unregular. Carl in the other thread had mentioned "dopamine nation" book which I read. This book makes me rethink my relapse and my general dependency condition. It is likely that I have substituted my porn addiction with other ones such as food (overeating) + sugar and internet browsing, hence not really recovered during my first attempt.
I've joined a big booze couple of days ago and crashed, what I usually don't do, the body seeks for more pleasure in the absence of other stimulants. I have to be careful with alcohol now.

 

[Carl_Smith]

That book is such a good one. This is a long interview here but it's a good one.

GROSS: Dr. Lembke, you write that the brain was not designed to live in a world of overabundance. And in some countries, like the U.S., in some socioeconomic classes, people do have overabundance in their lives - easy access to foods, too many varieties of foods, too many things to read, movies to watch, drugs to take, experiences to have. Why isn't our brain adapted to that? Why is this overabundance a problem that can lead to pain and addiction?

LEMBKE: The mechanisms in our brain that compel us to approach pleasure and avoid pain were evolved over millions of years for a world of scarcity. And in a world of scarcity, in order for us to stay alive, we have to be extremely motivated to go out and seek food, clothing and shelter. The problem is, in today's modern ecosystem, those things are all provided. We don't even have to get up off the couch in order to have them come to us. And our brains were really not wired for that. And as a result, I think living in this modern age is very challenging but for different reasons. We're now having to cope with, how do I live in a world in which everything is provided, and if I consume too much of it, which my reflexes compel me to do, I'm going to be even more unhappy? That's really what "Dopamine Nation" is about, trying to figure out how to live in that world and holding up people in recovery from addiction as modern-day prophets for how to do that.

GROSS: So that's the central paradox of your book, is that the pursuit of pleasure can actually lead to pain.

LEMBKE: That's exactly right. That hedonism ultimately leads to anhedonia or lack of joy.

 

[tohuwabohu]

Thanks, Carl

 

[tohuwabohu]

Day 123. 4 months have passed. My sexuality slowly returns back.