Getting back to human connections

Hello All,

This is the first of my journaling in this group, so I will be as brief/succinct as I can. I am a 50 year old man, who has been on and off in a relationship with my life partner for 34 years (yep, met at age 15). Our relationship over the course of the years, has been toxic most times at best (he has also struggled with addiction issues). I have had a relationship with porn for about 28 years. Earlier on, I thought, just normal, and would PMO for various reasons...loneliness, libido, sad, depressed, stressed, can't name it, but porn was my constant.

At the age of 40, I would say, I started to notice ED issues...not dramatic, but the issue was there. I wasn't really thinking that porn was an issue, or even that I was addicted to it. Meanwhile, during separations, I might have met other sexual interests, and intercourse was inconsistent. I attributed it to missing my SO during breakups. When we were together, our intimacy was lacking, but I craved porn very much. I attributed it to the stress of the relationship, but it was more...I craved it..missed it. I wasn't open about my problem (didn't recognize/admit that I had a problem). During travel, alone time, I couldn't wait to watch my collection of porn to satisfying, but then felt guilt/shame/less than afterwards.

Fast forward, at age 50, porn has been my go to..particularly at night before bed. I have craved it at times, other times, has been because of routine. If I were to miss a day or two, I would crave it. I have used a "download" app for many is readily available at a click away..don't even have to pay for it. I have a massive video collection..probably a half terrabyte on 2 external drives, put securely away for my enjoyment. Even categorized some by studios. What ever I crave, I have it in my collection.

At age 50, I have begun to recognize that I am an addict, with porn induced erectile dysfunction. My libido is healthy, in phenomenal shape and build, can get solid erections during porn, but extreme anxiety over physical, human contact, and cannot maintain an erection. Porn has overtaken, and I want this unhealthy relationship to cease and regain human love and personal intimacy.

This is a first step, and acknowledging my addiction. I have shared this with my SO, and this is day 1 for me. Although we are living apart right now, I am working on myself to become an even better version of me. I can't say that I won't MO..this will be a phase, at least to eliminate porn from my life. I look forward to participating and supporting others on this journey.


Active Member
I have a massive video collection..probably a half terrabyte on 2 external drives, put securely away for my enjoyment. Even categorized some by studios.
Hi LettingGo and welcome to the group.

Step 1 -- acknowledge your addiction. You did that.

Step 2 -- destroy the videos. You say they are for your enjoyment but from what you write, there is no enjoyment coming your way from that. Destroy any accounts and passwords as well.

Time to move forward. Keep writing and let us know your progress.

Hi LettingGo and welcome to the group.

Step 1 -- acknowledge your addiction. You did that.

Step 2 -- destroy the videos. You say they are for your enjoyment but from what you write, there is no enjoyment coming your way from that. Destroy any accounts and passwords as well.

Time to move forward. Keep writing and let us know your progress.

Hello, thanks very much for the words of encouragement. I look forward to much progress with this group.
Hello All,

I am doing fairly well, 3 days no PMO, 1 day MO (probably way to soon, but without the P, which is progress for me). I am thinking very differently on how I am approaching recovery with porn. It used to be routine...part of my habit. Realizing my addiction, I am making other choices with this time usually set aside for PMO...reading, now journaling, working more on my business. However, I have also realized that there are some triggers that I need to pay attention to...I am a gym rat, so there are triggers there, IG, and some of my YouTube folks that I follow. I am becoming extremely sensitive to those triggers which can help me to a different decision to PMO. In some cases, I am going to unfollow or unsubscribe.
Sunday, 10/24/21
5th day no PMO, with 2 days MO. The libido is strong, but really need to push 30-60-90 days to rewire with no MO. I am focusing on sleeping naked, and getting back to human touch for arousal. The funny thing is, I am now resentful of the porn figures that once had me addicted. The male performers are able to engage in satisfying sex through erections, enabling my arousal and climax and I am unable to do the same in real life. In a strange way, my feelings about this is going to help me in the long run! Day 5 with no PMO, don't want to climax to those images, I want my own human pleasure. I know this journey will be tough, however.
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Monday, 10/25/21

6th day, no PMO. I am very proud of myself (I had 2 days MO, but that's MO to porn for 6 days!) Seems a bit silly, but I look back over the years at what a pattern this had become. While I was reading through other's journeys, it was enjoyable making comments to support others...this is good for the recovery process.

I spent a few minutes (actually about 15 minutes) going through deleting video clips and t trackers from my computer. I clicked through some of the clips as I was deleting video clips to really look at what my life had become...don't really know how to describe the disappointment and shame and how I neglected my loved one in place of this garbage. It is an addiction and these images on a screen are TRIGGERS! I got to one of my favorites for deletion..watched momentarily, and clicked DELETE! My brain was telling me, FEED ME, FEED ME..heart racing, strong deep breaths, and a quick DELETE. Days earlier, this exercise would have led to edging and orgasm...especially with this clip. It felt so gratifying to take this step. Yes, I watched the clips briefly and I deleted them..probably any addict would snook a peak. It did not led to masturbation and I am really proud of this step for me. I know its going to be tough, but I will get my confidence back, with normal erections for human sexual pleasure....I am determined.

I am also proud that I am journaling my thoughts and feelings toward this addiction...been a long time coming. Even if it's just a sentence or two, I plan to journal as often as I can. Who knows, I might be inspiring someone else.

Have a great day.
Tuesday, 10/26/21

7th day, no PMO. Feeling good...birthday today, so this 7th day with no PMO is a nice gift. I had some pretty vivid dreams last night...kind of odd. No MW...touched around there for a bit..but could get an erection through tough...another win. There was no strong images of porn, but intent on physical touch. No strong libido. Mental energy is ok, considering I binged on Netflix to 1:00 AM. (another before bed porn and PMO).

Great day,
Wednesday, 10/27

8th day, no PMO. In general, decent mood...moderate productivity at work. I noticed some moodiness, but I guess this is expected. Libido is still there, but I distract myself with other things, especially areas where I can self improve. MW was about 10-15%. Did some touch sensation..would have to be intense for full erection, so I know I have some ways to go.

When I had regular porn use (6-7 nights per week), would not have thought of being without it this long.

Great Day All,
Thursday, 10/28

9th Day, No PMO. I did MO last night...was curious about arousal with gentle touch. I played with a flesh light to start wiring my head around intercourse with a person. Became stimulated to MO. I didn't think about any Porn images, only the act of sex. However, I will push for longer days with no MO. To be honest, I am not missing porn because I am choosing to do more constructive things with my time and to get rid of this demon. My motivation is to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life with a person as opposed to pixels on the screen.

My general mood was good...fairly productive. My dreams are really vivid..strange. Earlier this morning, I felt a brain fog..but worked through it.

Great evening all,
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Friday, 10/29

10th day, no PMO. No urges for porn viewing at all. I completely recognize how it has negatively effected me in my life. I am very active in the gym, and intense exercise in the evening does enhance the libido. Normal evening stuff, including spending more time on work and personal achievements. Before bed, I MO'd again. Felt an urge and used a flesh light. It was a natural, light fantasy about intercourse, but no porn images! Was nice to start to rewire to physical touch, and although a toy, is helping me getting back to a human connection. Erection the entire time. I don't believe I can go 6 months or longer without MO, like others on this journey, but the most important part for me is to get porn out of my life and be able to perform and have intimate, sexual contact again with normal erections. So another good day.

Great day all,
Saturday, 10/30

11th day, no PMO. No urges for porn at all. I have noticed some weird energy...almost like lethargic. Also, was very moody today for some reason. I will be getting a few of the books to fully understand the brain chemistry behind this. So, another good day. Any day with no PMO, is a good day for me.

Great evening all,
Sunday, 10/31

12th day, No PMO. Yesterday was good...relaxing. Spending time with SO, watching TV. No sexual urges, no desire to watch porn AT ALL! My brain is removing this daily stimuli and routine. Usually, the problem was at night before going to bed, but I am preoccupying myself until I hit the sack.

Great Sunday afternoon all,
Monday, 11/1

13th day, no PMO. Yesterday evening was tough after the gym. My libido is always pretty strong after intense exercise. I was craving porn really bad. Under normal circumstances, this would have been part of my night routine. I distracted myself with work, reading stories from rebootnation, and got myself ready for bed. Cravings hit me again. I logged into my tweeter and quickly shut it down...going to get rid of it..twitter, IG, and TikTok are triggers. Eventually, I MO'd from libido with light fantasy, but not harsh porn images that I was used to. Although I am not masturbating to porn, my next challenge is to stay a bit stronger on the MO for my reboot.

Great Monday All,
Tuesday, 11/2

Back to 0 today....I am hoping for day 1 tomorrow. I was over competent. I was very productive last night. Worked into the evening, read posts, responded to some. As far as I know, I had planned to get to bed and working on my 14th day, with no PMO. I went to bed with my glasses and phone to watch a few TikTok scrolls...wasn't a good idea. I was almost triggered with Twitter the other night. I saw a few triggering folks through my feed on TikTok. My brain told me to "check out the site..your ok..see how you respond." The moment I did, for 25 minutes or so, I edged to PMO. I am disappointed, but I come to realize that I am an addict who needs to fight through this to recover from this addiction and get rid of PIED.

I will need to also figure out how to manage the libido...can't do it with sex...limp dick. I am on TRT, with optimal levels of, and in shape, and always horney. Porn is not the solution, so there are many other ways to address this:

Spiritual -- Look and examine ways to become more spiritually connected with myself and others
Family -- Huge opportunity to reconnect with my family
Exercise -- Pretty disciplined here
Reading -- Can do so much better here and limit TV and Social Media
Business -- Can push more to grow my small business and work on my Patent pending product

There are so many ways I can get more joy on this earth...why have I wasted precious time with Porn? But I know I have to do the work...I have to, which is why I am here.

Best to all,

3 Days, no PMO. From 11/2 through 11/17, I have had PMO, usually each night.

It all started with a relapse, and then I went on this surge of my porn fix...not extreme, long hour binging, but the usual 30 mins to 1 hour of binging, which is a problem for me. It lead to searching for certain genres, p stars, etc...triggered to night after night.

A huge trigger for me is overall personal and work stress. PMO'ing at night and falling asleep is "my fix", however still not correcting my issues with PIED.

So the biggest support I can have to myself is being completely honest with my thoughts, what led me down the path, and a daily attempt to keep focused on getting rid of porn out of my life. So today, is doing everything I can to be sober and not PMO.

Have a great Sunday all,


4 days no PMO. No MW, and limited sexual thoughts. Very busy and productive day. Have started reading Easy Peasy, and will line up a few more books. So even if I am not busy, with alone time, and working from home, I need to address some issues which might trigger me to wander and take a peak. The moment I take a peak out of's over and I will relapse.

Overall, great day.