Goal: Bring back color to human contact

ALM

Member
About me
I'm a Spanish 32 years old male. I have been consuming porn for around half of my life, although It got worst in the last 4-5 years.

That was the moment when I started living alone on a big city, when I broke up with my gf at that time, and when I started to have many new sexual partners. I think I started to consume more porn as a response to my more sexual life, everything on my life was about sex, so if I was at home, consuming porn was as natural as taking a glass of water. Until some now-well-known symptoms of porn addiction araised:
  1. I was PMO 4-6 times a day, sometimes I even just watched porn while working/eating, just to get some pleasant numb feeling on my head.
  2. I was getting arousal by some extreme fetishes, and always on compilation/multi-tab/split screen mode (Coolidge effect)
  3. I was consuming porn that did not match my sexual orientation.
  4. I was loosing attraction to my new GF, and only feeling excited about porn or new girls (we have an open-relationship).
  5. It became very difficult, almost impossible, to have an erection without performing some of the porn-induced tastes.
The desensitization behind (4) and (5) made me realize of the necessity for a change. As a result, I don't feel confident with my sexual performance anymore, and that is something at the very core of my self-esteem. I need to bring back color again to human contact, I need to naturally feel something down there again.

My goals
My goals are to quit porn forever, and to quit masturbation until I feel (4) and (5) are healed (having erections naturally: by kissing, seeing a desired naked body, intimate petting...). Just to have some kind of orientation, I have the standard 90 days on my head, but could be more or could be less, considering the progress on those points. Quitting from sex for a long period is more complex as I live with my GF and I have some sexual partners I do not want to lose, so at my best I think I will be having sex at least once each 2-3 weeks.

Quitting porn forever means solving (1) too. The reason I don't see (2) and (3) as problems to solve is because I don't feel any moral criticism to those. I would have no problem dating with men too if, after quitting porn, that is what I actually want to do.

So, summarizing:
  • No porn: forever
  • No masturbation: ~90 days
  • No sex: ~21 days

Starting status
To be honest, I joined this road two weeks ago. I made 14 days without PM, but having sex + bad day caused me to relapse yesterday and I PMO with soft-porn, I know this is one of the risks of allowing sex during this time, and I can not let it happen again. I have my personal journal on G. Drive with a more freewritting style to come in at any point of the day I want to register something, but I will also keep track of my progress here, in a more constructed style.


So see ya, thanks for reading, and any input is more than welcome : )
 
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canguro

Active Member
Hey man, I'm glad you're here with us fighting for a porn free life! Stay strong!
What is your plan to deal with urges and have you thought of other, positive things to fill your time with, now that you are no longer wasting your time with fapping?
 
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ALM

Member
Hey man, I'm glad you're here with us fighting for a porn free life! Stay strong!
What is your plan to deal with urges and have you thought of other, positive things to fill your time with, now that you are no longer wasting your time with fapping?

Thanks for your words!

About urges:

  • I have settled DNS blockers on both my mobile and my PC devices so I need to take my time to disable them to get access to porn. It has gave me time to think twice before relapsing in the past.
  • Every time I open my phone I see access to an app that remembers me my counter. It can help as an additional barrier.
  • I try to always have my room door opened so my mind does not think it is safe to PMO.
  • My most dangerous moment of the day is MO right after waking up, before going out of bed, as I'm not fully conscious yet. To prevent that, I'm going to the gym soon in the morning before starting to work, so I don't have much time to be in danger. I am also increasing my daily counter even before having breakfast, so it's harder to relapse knowing that I am a foot-out-of-the-bed away of having made it one more day. Anyway, tips about this would be specially welcomed 🙏.
About how to fill my time:
  • I'm trying to focus more on my workout (I have been training for a few years already). It feels mentally and physically good, and it forces me to connect with the outer world early in the morning. Also feeling better with my body motivates me for the day I'll be back into meeting new people.
  • I'm trying to read more (~ a book per week) and watch more movies (~3-5 per week).
I spend most of my free time playing videogames, so although it is probably a problem to solve next, I don't actually feel a big empty gap of time to fill due to quitting porn 🤔
 

ALM

Member
day 1
difficulty: 6/10

Day 1 of my second attempt went well, although not a very easy day. I noticed some urges during the morning, and some important sadness during the evening. I was so low-energy that I even took a 1h nap after lunch, which is something that I almost never have done. What hurts me more is to think in the huge amount of time that lies ahead until I heal, it is like, "potential partners, pubs, apps and world are going to keep existing by then?".
 

canguro

Active Member
I see you put a lot of thoughts into that and that's great!
I think it could be beneficial to put down video games, too, as in my opinion those who really change their lifestyle here have the best chances of succeeding the reboot. If you already work out, which is great, you maybe want to look for a new hobby, a task or smth. For me even filling the time with cleaning etc. is very helpful, as being lazy is poison for the reboot and opens the door for pmo-thoughts.
Avoiding those dopamine traps and enjoying those small things, you know?
Since I stopped constantly flooding my brain with dopamine through PMO, social media and video games I feel so mich more joy in small things, that were so dull before.
 

ALM

Member
I see you put a lot of thoughts into that and that's great!
I think it could be beneficial to put down video games, too, as in my opinion those who really change their lifestyle here have the best chances of succeeding the reboot. If you already work out, which is great, you maybe want to look for a new hobby, a task or smth. For me even filling the time with cleaning etc. is very helpful, as being lazy is poison for the reboot and opens the door for pmo-thoughts.
Avoiding those dopamine traps and enjoying those small things, you know?
Since I stopped constantly flooding my brain with dopamine through PMO, social media and video games I feel so mich more joy in small things, that were so dull before.
Yes, I have read and think about that. It is all about dopamine. If the brain is used to unrealistic dopamine rewards (like through drugs, porn, videogames...) the actual natural rewards (like social contact, exercise, food, nature, meditation, intelectual challenges...) feel quite empty.

I know it is a problem, but creating a constant 4h/day gap of empty time by removing videogames really scares me. I simply don't know what to do with that amount of time every day, and without nothing to do, I will fall into sexual thoughts as I do when I get some minutes break on my work. Also, I'm not that kind of person that suddenly gets into random new hobbies like dancing lessons, gardening, or learning a new language.

But I get it, and there are a few things that I would like to do more, I can start with that and see if something else comes up to my mind: I want to learn more about videogames impact in brain so I will find out some literature about that; there are a couple of cooking recipes that I have been postponing to learn for months; and I would like to recover my random and meditation walks through the city, going nowhere, taking sudden decisions and seeing how the day surprises me.

I will incorporate those during the first weeks, thanks for pointing out! (y)
 
Hello ALM,

Thanks for sharing this. I am fairly new to the site and taking the time to ready other's story as I work on my recovery. I see you have a well thought out plan on how you plan to deal with this recovery...kudos to you. If I should mention something to you to think about (may not effect you). I am heavily in the gym...gym rat. The rush from exercise, along with certain gym regulars, would trigger me in my thoughts. At home, I clicked through my social media (IG and Tik Tok were triggers) and then I would make PMO part of my routine...these were all "foreplay". I am conscious of it now, and have alternate plans in place when I get home from exercising (if during the evening). Keep pushing!
 

ALM

Member
Hello ALM,

Thanks for sharing this. I am fairly new to the site and taking the time to ready other's story as I work on my recovery. I see you have a well thought out plan on how you plan to deal with this recovery...kudos to you. If I should mention something to you to think about (may not effect you). I am heavily in the gym...gym rat. The rush from exercise, along with certain gym regulars, would trigger me in my thoughts. At home, I clicked through my social media (IG and Tik Tok were triggers) and then I would make PMO part of my routine...these were all "foreplay". I am conscious of it now, and have alternate plans in place when I get home from exercising (if during the evening). Keep pushing!

Thanks for the warning : )

I know what you mean, sometimes it is difficult to concentrate in the gym for me too. Luckily, I always workout in the morning, right before work. I come back home (I work remotely) five minutes before a daily 30min videocall, so it normally resets me back to a non-sexual mood.
 

ALM

Member
Day 2,
difficulty: 4/10


MW and possibility to get it back fantasizing in bed with realistic memories, strange how it only happens during those minutes of the day, is there something on my conscious when I am fully awake that prevents it?. Most of the day doing something (doctor, family visit...). Some urges during evening once I was back at home.
 

ALM

Member
Day 3,
difficulty: 5/10


No MW, although can't avoid to fantasize for a couple of minutes right after waking up to get one, still in bed. Does not seem I am awake enough to control it. No urges for MO, just enjoying the feeling of something moving on down there. Wondering how bad that is. Sometimes I even fell sleep again and keep dreaming about what I was thinking. Problem is, this time it was not realistic memories, but some crazy thing.

Beyond that, no major urges during the day, but some sadness with no reason for the rest of the morning. In the evening I started reading _The molecule of more_, by Daniel Z. Lieberman to understand a bit better how brain works. Did not play videogames today.
 
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ALM

Member
Day 4,
difficulty: 5/10


No MW, but getting it again fantasizing with porn-based-sex for a couple of minutes after waking up, let’s see if I can avoid it tomorrow morning.

Latter in the morning I took some minutes to see if I was able to get one just thinking on normal sex with my GF and it was possible. I was a bit surprised by being able to get it with no touch, usually it is only possible before completely waking up, but I guess it is normal as excitement is growing after these first days of abstinence.

Then I realized that my cravings are not for PMO, not even for MO, they are for actual sex: cravings for calling some friends with benefits, meeting new ones, returning back to dating apps… During these first days I don’t remember when I have been tempted to open a porn website, but I’m frequently tempted to contact some pre-pandemic partners and see how things are going… Wondering if this is normal. I am completely sure that I have desensitization due to porn, no doubt about it, and for sure no intention to come back to it, but I’m really a porn addict? shouldn’t I be craving for my favorite websites or fetishes and not for getting out there to meet people? (may worth mentioning that although my MO counter is at 4 days, It’s been 19 days of no PMO, and remember some cravings for PMO at the very beginning).

Anyway, let’s see how goes the end of the week. when I will have more free time.
 

canguro

Active Member
Your natural desire for sex breaks through, isnt that great? I had/have the same.
Dont forget: These are your natural instincts, when you fap your brain basically thinks you have sex with many women one after another. Your brain can't differenciate between porn and sex. Only thing is, that reality can't compete with this massive amount of novelty, shock and accessability and you eventually get bored by reality and only aroused through porn.
 
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ALM

Member
Your natural desire for sex breaks through, isnt that great? I had/have the same.
Dont forget: These are your natural instincts, when you fap your brain basically thinks you have sex with many women one after another. Your brain can't differenciate between porn and sex. Only thing is, that reality can't compete with this massive amount of novelty, shock and accessability and you eventually get bored by reality and only aroused through porn.

Yes, it is good to feel it, but for me it is not like simply breaking through. It is like a tsunami razing everything on its way. Let me explain:

Day 5,
difficulty: 8/10

Ok, today was hard as fuck. I clearly identified the biggest trigger: my GF leaving home for the night. The moment she told me she was leaving, my mind was craving for meeting with someone. Desperately. I was not able to work at all today. I spoke with some friends with benefits, I looked for some pubs to visit alone, I even searched for some escorts… I felt I was going to fail today one way or another. At the end, a couple of friends were around the neighborhood and I met with them (hoping it would become a nice party night and I could meet someone). Came back drunk at home. But at least I made it one more day. I feel totally busted, like coming back home from a war. I have been craving and fantasizing the full day. I watched porn substitutes. It has not been a good day for my dopamine stabilization and reward system. But at least at the end I can say, I made it one more day.

btw, during this difficult day the only craving for PMO was based on being a way to get rid of that necessity for actual sex. It is something that I have felt frequently regarding PMO: for me it is a way to forget about screwing my life with uncontrolled sex, and to get back to reality.
 

canguro

Active Member
Okay, obviously it is not only about PMO, but also sex. I think for you it would really be beneficial to go hardmode to get your dopamine baseline to a healthy level. What is more important to you? Keeping your friends with benefits or changing your life? I mean...it is not like you couldn't get the first back after rebooting, but I think you have to ask yourself wether that's really beneficial for you as you seem to have a problem with sex, too!?
 
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ALM

Member
Okay, obviously it is not only about PMO, but also sex. I think for you it would really be beneficial to go hardmode to get your dopamine baseline to a healthy level. What is more important to you? Keeping your friends with benefits or changing your life? I mean...it is not like you couldn't get the first back after rebooting, but I think you have to ask yourself wether that's really beneficial for you as you seem to have a problem with sex, too!?

I don't know, thanks for the feedback, everything is a bit messy now on my mind.

Reading my first post it is clear that my main motivation for rebooting was to have more and better sex. Almost everything is about that on my life, even rebooting. It brings some good things (meeting my GF and building an open relationship together, trying to quit PMO...), but it can also become savage if I block it.

Good or not and being honest, at this moment I don't feel like I want to decrease my sexuality, and wanting it is the first requirement to do it. I don't feel like I want to completely change my life... in the past I had what I want: having 4-5 closer partners, dating with someone new from time to time, trying new things here and there... I felt great with that, best years of my life, no doubt. And I know it is not the standard, but don't think it is bad or unhealthy, I think it is a valid way of living.

And then, I felt that PMO was causing me not to enjoy as much as I could, and that it was getting worst due to it, so I am trying to quit porn and PMO. Yesterday would not haven been that bad if I could have use an app and have a casual date. Even if it does not end with sex, arousal and attraction and flirting process is an experience that makes me feel so alive that it is worth it and valuable by itself. The reason I did not do it, and preferred to face the urges, is because I'm trying to give me some time (until I feel PMO problems have decreased) to get out there again.
 

ALM

Member
Day 6,
difficulty: 5/10

Ok, so going back to normal after yesterday crisis. No much to say, quiet day today, minor cravings. I took the time to block the porn-substitutes websites I visited yesterday, as well as Instagram and FB. Don't think those were being a big problem, but can't make me any bad to block them, maybe for some weeks, see what happens.
 

ALM

Member
Day 7,
difficulty: 4/10

Well, one week (three without porn!), although it has felt like much more. Thinking in keeping this for months seems like another life. No much about today, mostly playing videogames (bad) and taking some drinks with friends with the unfilled hope of having a party night like in the old times. Happy Halloween.
 

ALM

Member
Day 8,
difficulty: 4/10

Zero urges for PMO, and only a few for real sex. These have been three quiet days in a row after day 5 crisis. Don't know if this is the beginning of a flatline or if it's just me getting conscious that this is going to take some time. Guess it is not a flatline as I had an erection when I had those urges for actual sex and imagined it for a couple of minutes.

Also, I've been playing videogames quite much these last two days, guess it also "helps" to pass days quicker.
 

ALM

Member
Day 9,
difficulty: 4/10

One more day, all good. A girl asked me to meet this week, but luckily we could not find a date where both of us were available and we will meet next week, so at least I can stay 2 weeks without sex and then see how things are going. No videogames today.

btw, two new things to point out: I started meditating 15 daily minutes (don't know if it is too little, it's my first time), and must say that almost since I started this reboot I always remember my dreams, and I do not wake up in the middle of the night to PMO, as I was doing before. So clearly my sleep quality has improved almost since the first day.
 

ALM

Member
Day 10,
difficulty: 5/10

I dreamt that I watched porn for a couple of seconds and then I closed it. Interesting, as I don't feel cravings to return to explicit porn when I am awake (I do feel cravings for reading erotica).

Anyway, what made this day a bit more difficult is that it actually started to pain. Don't know what's going on because I thought blue balls were caused due to edging and I have not done it, but I spent hours trying to find out best way to sit to minimize the pain on my testicles. I have not been so long without O since I began to MO on my 12s-13s :eek:
 
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