Freedom & Happiness

Ingibjörg

Member
Hello,

Currently, I am 26 years old. I have been watching porn for a while now. I think I started around the age of 12/13. I discovered masturbation while I was looking at video clips on MTV and started looking at women in bikinis online. Soon, this was not enough and I started looking at porn. So it felt like a normal thing to do. I used to watch porn and masturbate a few times a day. But really early it felt like it was not right. When I was 16 I already felt the need to limit masturbation to once a week. This was because I did not feel any motivation to chase girls, or was very low in my energy. However, I never succeeded.

Porn took a lot from me, it drained my energy, made me feel unmotivated, not able to enjoy everyday things. I was alright with girls, but I never put much effort into it myself. I did sleep with girls every now and then, but I never could really enjoy it, because my brain was desensitized by watching Porn. I used to fap thinking about girls. However, if those same girls I fapped about showed interest in me, I would do nothing with it and rather go home and fap. Which is pretty sad. I had a few experiences where I would not be able to get an erection when I was with a girl. I am sure this is caused by watching Porn. Last 2 years my addiction has gotten worse, and I have done some things I am ashamed about. But I have to confess them in order to move on. I have managed to get some streaks of being clean. but every time I relapsed I felt more addicted than before. Before, I thought it was insane that people would pay money for porn. Unfortunately, I have done the same. I kept searching for a bigger rush because just watching P was not enough. I paid money to girls on onlyfans. I visited escorts. I went on tinder and paid girls to do sexting with me. For me it is sad it has come this far because I would have never expected myself to do this kind of thing.

Since 18 I already learned about the nofap and it made a lot of sense to me since I already had this idea myself as well. But I never managed to succeed in it. I did manage to get better at it, and recently had a few streaks of 30 days. However, every time I relapsed, the addiction would have a bigger grip on me. I kept procrastinating on my decision to be clean forever. First I told myself, after high school, after university etc. But now I have a serious job and I am still doing it, so I cannot keep procrastinating. I have found that journaling in a specific way helped me to change the way I think about watching P. I will describe this in my next post. Also, reading YBOP book and website helped me a lot. Using P blockers on my phone also helped to stop the impulse.

I don't feel ready, I am still talking to girls I met on tinder and they send me nudes. This right now is my biggest obstacle, because it makes me feel good. Even though I know it makes me feel terrible. I know I have to do it. I failed a lot of times at it, but I know I can do it. I know this is not how I want to live my life. I want to be able to enjoy my life. Be free and happy.
 
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Fappy

Respected Member
it makes me feel good. Even though I know it makes me feel terrible.
yeah thats the dirty cycle of PMO in a nutshell.
you just need to reflect on how much porn has taken from you and how much its raped the fuck out of your life. reflecting oon these things when you get an urge for PMO will do a lot to quell it. youll be disgusted at what its turned you into and youll be motivated never to let it destory you anymore.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
I am going to post here more. Since I think it would be valuable to express myself honestly, so I am not ashamed about this cycle I am in sometimes. Things have not changed much since my last post. Time flies. I have been trying to quit for a long time now. Sometimes I quit for a few weeks, other times I am watching P every day. I know, what I want is to quit. And I know I can do this. But I also have the voice in the back of my head that I already failed many times, so why would it be different this time. It will not get easier. But we learn as we fall and get stronger, so I am still convinced I am going to quit.

Last few weeks I have been watching P often. Usually, my trigger is feeling stressed from work. I want to escape this stress. So, I watch P and I do forget about it. But as we know. Temporarily. I know what I need to do in order to overcome this. 1. I need to shift my paradigm about my addiction. Of course, I know I don't want to watch P. But I still do it. So there is a reason why I still do it. I am going to change my mind about how I feel about these reasons. (I quit smoking using Allen Carr Method, which brainwashes you, into believing that there are 0! benefits to smoking). I am going to do this using the metascript method by Universal Man. 2. I need to stop distracting myself with P, social media, netflix youtube etc. If I stop these high dopamine rewards, low effort, activities. My brain will start to recover. And I feel more motivation to do what I have to do. 3. Then I have to pay attention, to the feelings which are bothering me, what I can do. meditation and journaling help with this. 4. And then I have to take action in the face of uncomfortable feelings. Usually, when I feel resistance, I don't do anything. I am a big procrastinator. But these make these feelings of stress and fear even worse. Instead, I should resolve the things which bother me. I never had a time where I had nothing on my to-do list. Instead, I always have something which I should do (which I don't do).

If I am not lying down in bed during the day, I am on the right path

If I am not on my phone/laptop during the night, I am on the right path

If I am not distracting myself from how I feel, I am on the right path.

If I am not lying, I am on the right path.

Morning Routine:
- Wake up, don't snooze
- Go outside for a walk
- Morning pages 5 min
- Meditation 5 min
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
I can fully relate to most of what you wrote, especially "I know I can do this. But I also have the voice in the back of my head that I already failed many times, so why would it be different this time". Looks like you're already putting yourself in the right mindset and know what you need to do to get away from porn. What worked for me was to take it all one day at a time, the first month or so was definitely the hardest, with endless urges throughout the day, things like meditation and the need to build new habits to replace porn have been a massive help. I also ended up cutting out social media (due to too much temptation and triggers) and netflix.

At my worst in the last few years, I would find any opportunity to watch porn or masturbate, as soon as my gf would leave for work, anytime I had the house to myself and whenever I was having a stressful day at at work, I would go to the toilets and watch some porn.

Going through this reboot has taught me a lot about myself and how to control/replace my habits. Not sure if you've tried going to the gym but I can tell you that the high you get from that is much more rewarding than anything, it basically became my best form of therapy with endless benefits the mental health.

Congrats on taking the first steps to improving your life, take it all one day at a time and soon enough youll thank yourself doing so.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
I can fully relate to most of what you wrote, especially "I know I can do this. But I also have the voice in the back of my head that I already failed many times, so why would it be different this time". Looks like you're already putting yourself in the right mindset and know what you need to do to get away from porn. What worked for me was to take it all one day at a time, the first month or so was definitely the hardest, with endless urges throughout the day, things like meditation and the need to build new habits to replace porn have been a massive help. I also ended up cutting out social media (due to too much temptation and triggers) and netflix.

At my worst in the last few years, I would find any opportunity to watch porn or masturbate, as soon as my gf would leave for work, anytime I had the house to myself and whenever I was having a stressful day at at work, I would go to the toilets and watch some porn.

Going through this reboot has taught me a lot about myself and how to control/replace my habits. Not sure if you've tried going to the gym but I can tell you that the high you get from that is much more rewarding than anything, it basically became my best form of therapy with endless benefits the mental health.

Congrats on taking the first steps to improving your life, take it all one day at a time and soon enough youll thank yourself doing so.
Thanks for your reply brother, I know this is the right thing to do. And I know I can. But yes the beginning is difficult because my brain needs some time to adjust. Good to hear you are doing good.

I used to go to the gym often. But due to covid restrictions all gyms and sports are closed. So now I just stick to running outside.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
I want to use this journal as a place to be honest. So I can hold myself accountable. Usually what I did when things did not go as planned. I would get ashamed and not post anything. But this is not fair. And I think those are time you need it the most. Being honest and not be ashamed is part of the process.

I am working to cut all digital dopamine out of my life. However, yesterday I decided to watch one episode of a show I am watching. I could not get myself to stop. And watched maybe 8 30 minutes episodes. It feels a bit uncomfertable for me to do nothing. Because of the dopamine i used to flood my brain with. But I trust the process and my brain just need time to heal.

When I quit this netflix binge. I felt terrible ofcourse. Because of all the chemicals my brian gets used to during something like this. It feels very shitty to stop. Afterwards, I was in bed on my phone. And a girl send me a nude. I went on auopilot and engaged. Even asked for more. I did the PMO. And felt like shit.

One problem for me right now is the girls I have in my phone who used to send me nudes. I found them on tinder and after a while had them send me nudes. I feel guilty about this, that I dragged them into this with me. Because of this, I don't want to just block them. Also, if i block them I still can find their numbers back more easily then if i wont. And I do have nice talks with them. So what I am gonna do now is tell them they should never send me this stuff again and explain them my situation.

Other then this, I went for a walk with a friend of me. Which was nice. These days I am at home very often. Cannot go to work because of restrictions and everything is closed. I notice this makes me a bit sad. Being isolated is not good for a human. So, I am going to try to see more friends regularly.
 

og123xx

Member
I want to use this journal as a place to be honest. So I can hold myself accountable. Usually what I did when things did not go as planned. I would get ashamed and not post anything. But this is not fair. And I think those are time you need it the most. Being honest and not be ashamed is part of the process.

I am working to cut all digital dopamine out of my life. However, yesterday I decided to watch one episode of a show I am watching. I could not get myself to stop. And watched maybe 8 30 minutes episodes. It feels a bit uncomfertable for me to do nothing. Because of the dopamine i used to flood my brain with. But I trust the process and my brain just need time to heal.

When I quit this netflix binge. I felt terrible ofcourse. Because of all the chemicals my brian gets used to during something like this. It feels very shitty to stop. Afterwards, I was in bed on my phone. And a girl send me a nude. I went on auopilot and engaged. Even asked for more. I did the PMO. And felt like shit.

One problem for me right now is the girls I have in my phone who used to send me nudes. I found them on tinder and after a while had them send me nudes. I feel guilty about this, that I dragged them into this with me. Because of this, I don't want to just block them. Also, if i block them I still can find their numbers back more easily then if i wont. And I do have nice talks with them. So what I am gonna do now is tell them they should never send me this stuff again and explain them my situation.

Other then this, I went for a walk with a friend of me. Which was nice. These days I am at home very often. Cannot go to work because of restrictions and everything is closed. I notice this makes me a bit sad. Being isolated is not good for a human. So, I am going to try to see more friends regularly.
Well done for getting back on here. It's nice to see another member on the 20-29 section... I'm fairly new. I read your situation and firstly I'd like to say the fact you're trying very hard to solve this problem is great. I don't want to pretend I know all the answers but you may require some support if it's possible for you, we all do. I have started talking to a therapist about this as I can't do it alone (I've tried many times and failed). I have talked to select family members and friends about this. For me, telling them I'm on this journey makes me feel a bit like they're on this journey with me and supporting me. It's something new I've tried this time.

I'm not working currently so I can't relate with PMO at work, nor paying for porn. That said I have had other problems related to porn that I probably wouldn't want to post on here. Like many, I imagine, I have been in doubt over whether I even have a problem! A therapist has told me that my porn use is problematic, however. I'll be honest, when reading your post I was comparing your problems to mine and thinking mine wasn't as bad. BUT my problems with PMO are problems for me, and your problems are problems for you... i guess there's no point comparing your problems to other people and downplaying them.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
Well done for getting back on here. It's nice to see another member on the 20-29 section... I'm fairly new. I read your situation and firstly I'd like to say the fact you're trying very hard to solve this problem is great. I don't want to pretend I know all the answers but you may require some support if it's possible for you, we all do. I have started talking to a therapist about this as I can't do it alone (I've tried many times and failed). I have talked to select family members and friends about this. For me, telling them I'm on this journey makes me feel a bit like they're on this journey with me and supporting me. It's something new I've tried this time.

I'm not working currently so I can't relate with PMO at work, nor paying for porn. That said I have had other problems related to porn that I probably wouldn't want to post on here. Like many, I imagine, I have been in doubt over whether I even have a problem! A therapist has told me that my porn use is problematic, however. I'll be honest, when reading your post I was comparing your problems to mine and thinking mine wasn't as bad. BUT my problems with PMO are problems for me, and your problems are problems for you... i guess there's no point comparing your problems to other people and downplaying them.
Thank you for the support brother. I tried therapy once. But she imediatly told me I probably have ADD. And that medicine would work best for me. So I did not really like that aproach at all.

But thanks for the advice. I do have some friends I talk about with it. Also my brother. I am pretty open to talk to people about it. But with most people more in a superficial way.

Haha well happy to hear that I made your problems feel less severe. It is not something I do often pay for it. But, it definitly was a border I never thought I would cross. But here we are. Cannot change the past. But am working to be a better person.

Ps I dont do PMO at work. I am not sure if that is what you meant in your comment.
 

og123xx

Member
Thank you for the support brother. I tried therapy once. But she imediatly told me I probably have ADD. And that medicine would work best for me. So I did not really like that aproach at all.

But thanks for the advice. I do have some friends I talk about with it. Also my brother. I am pretty open to talk to people about it. But with most people more in a superficial way.

Haha well happy to hear that I made your problems feel less severe. It is not something I do often pay for it. But, it definitly was a border I never thought I would cross. But here we are. Cannot change the past. But am working to be a better person.

Ps I dont do PMO at work. I am not sure if that is what you meant in your comment.
There are many things I am ashamed of in the past regarding porn.
Being really honest with yourself and really accepting this is a real problem. Accepting you are an addict, a 'druggie', has felt liberating. I don't have to fight both battles of doubting whether there's a problem and also fighting the addiction.
Maybe you need to re-evaluate how well you manage stress, maybe even some traumas, that may unconsciously be driving you to self-soothe or escape
 

Ingibjörg

Member
There are many things I am ashamed of in the past regarding porn.
Being really honest with yourself and really accepting this is a real problem. Accepting you are an addict, a 'druggie', has felt liberating. I don't have to fight both battles of doubting whether there's a problem and also fighting the addiction.
Maybe you need to re-evaluate how well you manage stress, maybe even some traumas, that may unconsciously be driving you to self-soothe or escape
Thanks for the feedback. Really appreciate it. Also, feels good being honest. I definitely accepted that this is a problem. But shit, addiction really makes changes in your brain. (which can be turned around by abstaining). But the amount of dopamine that is released, makes this stuff feel like the most important stuff in the world. Which of course, Is a Hijack. Our brain cannot handle this supernormal stimulus. I think the best example is this: The beetles in the video almost went extinct because the beer bottles have a better shape and color. They feel like they cannot let go of fertilizing these bottles. The same is happening with our screens.


Also, I think you are right that I need to learn how to deal with stress better. I have a pretty responsible and stressful job. And I definitely use the P as a coping to deal with feelings. I did have some experiences in my youth, which could be a trauma for a child. So you might be right about this as well.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
Hello team,

I am back, cant believe i created this thread around a year ago. And I must unfortunately say that not much has changed. It is a bit crazy to think about that I have been trying to decrease my screen time & porn since I have been 18. Had better days but in general I not often lasted longer then a week.

I think the problem is when I am not being conscious of my thoughts, feelings and actions when things go wrong. However, when I watch porn, and other things online, (youtube, social media, netflix etc) I become less concious of what I am feeling. So it is a chain reaction.

I feel tough that now it is really time to change, because I cannot accept going on like this. I have a good life, and I am gratefull for that, but have issues with myself. I feel like I have been functioning for 30% for a long time.

So, for the next 30 days, no porn, masturbation, social media, youtube/netflix. Will be updating here daily to keep myself concious and reflect.

Thanks for reading
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Social media and phone use have been a thing for me, too, and a major contributor to unwanted behaviors.

If I can get it under control, you can.

Wishing you luck in this endeavor.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
1/30

Today I had a bit of an off day. But ai contribute that to my behaviour beforehand, watchting P, the phone use etc, it makes me very foggy in the brain. So I know tomorrow I will feel better.

I had two momenrs where i grabbed my phone without thinking but within a minute I recovered myself. First was when I woke up, second when I was eating lunch by myself. These are moments which I used to grab my phone to distract myself. But it is not necesary at all. If I am eating, i can enjoy the taste of my food one of the better things in life. And when I wake up, whats the point of keep laying in bed, when I have to get ready.

One thing i noticed when I quit earlier with P. Is that after more or less 2 days. People go out of their way to talk with me. Conversations start everywhere and they flow effortlessly. When I do watch P, I still talk with people, but does feel a lot less natural. Interesting to see how people react to me differently. But it makes sense because I also feel different. More energized and interested in the world around me.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
Social media and phone use have been a thing for me, too, and a major contributor to unwanted behaviors.

If I can get it under control, you can.

Wishing you luck in this endeavor.
Thanks! I appreciate it. What difference you feel in your life now that you have it under control?
 

Ingibjörg

Member
Day 2/30

Today was not a very good day again. I felt a bit sad during the day for no particulair reason. I think I am just very exhausted. So I am thinking about going to bed very early. Also because I dont really know what to do what my time now I have a lot of time given to me. (I know many things to do but feel tired is more true actually).

I got feedback from one of my favourite coworkers today that I talk too much and work to little. And I really apreciate the honesty because I did not see it myself. I have a supervisor function, and I think where this is coming from is that I really dont like it if people dont like me. So I am always talking to everyone and being friendly. Which is not necesarily bad. But the truth is, people can accept me and like me even if i dont go out of my way to entartain them. I am a valuable person, so it is not necesary to put an effort in to liking me. Also, if someone does not like me. It is not really my problem. Because there are always people who like you less then others, and that is fine. That is something in their head a perception about me. It does not make me any less of a person if someone does not like me.

Positive about the day is that even tough not very good. I accepted it all, and did not escape on my phone or P. And I truly believe I am strong enough to feel and handle what is going on in every moment at that moment. Ofcourse, no one can cary the burden of all bad things that will come on their way during their whole life. But we don't have to, you only have to handle the current moment. And I know that I am strong enough to do that.
 

Ingibjörg

Member
Day 3/30

Usually, after 2 days clean, I start to feel a bit better, I get out of the zombie mode caused by the P, and feel more present and socially a lot smoother. Not necessarily happier, because I also feel more. But I definitely enjoy it. Today I did experience the same thing.

The urges got a bit more and caught me "fishing" when searching for things online. I have plucky installed, so I cannot see any images and videos in my browser. But I noticed that I searched things, where it would be possible to "accidentally" read something provocative. I should caught myself before these things happen because that is how things go south quickly.

Had a strong urge last night laying in bed, I think these urges are a bit scary. Because one moment I feel in control, know why I do it, and I am 100% stand behind my choice. And within a few seconds, all that is gone, I don't see why I should not do it, and the P feels like the most important thing in the world. It is scary how my brain got tricked into thinking the thing which destroys me, is so valuable. What I do is in these moments is a journal, and adjust my thoughts, get to see the truth clearly again. I keep thinking about the metaphor of the beetles and the bottles, the Video I posted earlier. The only way to get rid of these urges is to overcome them. They really do come and go, I trust the process.

Another thing that is scary to me is how addiction escalates. Everyone starts with mild stuff, maybe just pictures of women. But we start to seek more and more extreme stuff. And to me it seems, if you don't get your addiction in control, you just keep going lower and lower and do very immoral things, and you don't even see anymore what you are doing is wrong. And I think it is one of the characteristics of addiction, always looking for more extreme stuff.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Another thing that is scary to me is how addiction escalates. Everyone starts with mild stuff, maybe just pictures of women. But we start to seek more and more extreme stuff. And to me it seems, if you don't get your addiction in control, you just keep going lower and lower and do very immoral things, and you don't even see anymore what you are doing is wrong. And I think it is one of the characteristics of addiction, always looking for more extreme stuff.
Yep. We totally lose our moral compass. The things I did - it is aweful. I convinced myself it was ok... I am not hurting anyone... but when people go down avenues that could bring the cops to the front door, or get ill with a serious STD, lie to their partners, objectify every woman they see... yeah, then we've truly lost ourselves!
 

Ingibjörg

Member
day 4/30

Today I did some self care. Did laundry, filled my fridge, got a haircut and massage. Went out for a walk. Today I felt pretty good. Still had some urges. And for me it is still crazy how these urges come. One moment you know 100% sure that you have to quit for a better life and it is all an illusion. Next moment, it feels like there is no other choice then to watch P.

It does make sense though, because our bodies are focussed on survival and reproduction. So these things are valuable to us. And our brain does not know that P, is not real and does not lead do offspring. So, ofcourse our brain thinking we have sex with hundreds of beautifull girls seem like the pot of gold. But our brain is just not evolved into dealing with this. Because the change has been to quick. Eventually evolution will sort it out. What porn addicts our doing is taking themselves out of gene pool by mating with a screen. And this is the reality I have to keep seeing. We have been caught in a trap.

My libido has been very low today, not much life down there. I think he went on a well deserved vacation.

I do feel more anger then usual. I did not had that feeling at all usually. Not in a unpleasant rage type of way. But when someone mistreat me or is a bit disrespectfull. I feel it in my stomach. I feel it is not ok if people do things like that to me and I dont have to tolerate everything.
 
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Ingibjörg

Member
Yep. We totally lose our moral compass. The things I did - it is aweful. I convinced myself it was ok... I am not hurting anyone... but when people go down avenues that could bring the cops to the front door, or get ill with a serious STD, lie to their partners, objectify every woman they see... yeah, then we've truly lost ourselves!

You are right. I am working on forgiving myself for all the missed opportunities and people I may have hurt. When I was born as a kid, I came in this world, knowing nothing, trying to do the right thing. And everyone told us that watching P is normal. Not knowing what it can lead to. We never chose to get addicted.

I am all for taking responsibilities and I dont believe playing a victim helps me in any way. And taking responsibility is what we are doing. I never chose to get addicted. But we do choose everyday to be a better person. And we can be proud of that.
 

CB

Active Member
You’re totally right, this is really inportant for us as addicts to understamd and talk about. How this addiction snuck into our lives as young and how it gets worse and worse in the hunt for kicks.
That is really the scary part of addiction, how it takes over the brain and just wants a kick no matter what.
Totally with you on playing a victim doesn’t help at all, and take responsibility for our actions.
This shows the good in our hearts is there for us to spread to the ones around us, and the people we meet in our daily lives.
(This doesn’t mean going all hippie) 😄
But at least for me it means not numbing myself like I’ve done for almost 25 years, and facing my fears (love, intimacy, connection) instead of running away from them.
 
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