Freedom & Happiness

[Ingibjörg]

Day 5/30

today was pretty easy. Have been working amongst people the whole day. And being busy and with people always makes it easier. My friend down there is still in his well deserved vacation, so that also makes it a lot easier.

I feel a lot more energized and confident. When i look in the mirror I am shining more. I can still feel I am tired in my eyes if i dont sleep good. But I feel a lot of energy in my body. And i think that is how a healthy human being should feel.

 

[Ingibjörg]

You’re totally right, this is really inportant for us as addicts to understamd and talk about. How this addiction snuck into our lives as young and how it gets worse and worse in the hunt for kicks.
That is really the scary part of addiction, how it takes over the brain and just wants a kick no matter what.
Totally with you on playing a victim doesn’t help at all, and take responsibility for our actions.
This shows the good in our hearts is there for us to spread to the ones around us, and the people we meet in our daily lives.
(This doesn’t mean going all hippie)
But at least for me it means not numbing myself like I’ve done for almost 25 years, and facing my fears (love, intimacy, connection) instead of running away from them.

Well said, I think one of the many benefits is that we can be proud of ourselves for trying. And we dont have to carry a secret with us. Because for me it sometimes felt like 2 different persons.

Also agree what you say about not numbing yourself anymore. It is uncomfortable at times. But if you feel unhappy about cerrain things. Our subconsious/body is trying to tell is someting. And running away from that is comfertable in the short term. But we got feelings for a reason. If we pay attention we know very well what we need to imrpove. Atleast were to start and things will figure itself out i believe.

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 6/30

Have been very tired today. Slept more then 12 hours last night and was still tired. So, I just relaxed and did not do too much this Sunday.

Today I also was way more emotional than normal. I usually never cried, not even at funerals and things like that. But today I cried when I was reading a news story. And felt pretty good haha.

Staying away from P was not that difficult today, since I did not get horny. So the urges are not necessarily out of being horny, but in my head, I definitely got some urges. My addition trying to tell me, that I might as well start tomorrow. But why would I procrastinate feeling better?

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 7/30

Today was te first time I almost failed. It was not very bad. I ordered a coffee somewhere and for some reason it hit me very hard. And I got very stressed. Usually I would, when I am stressed, choose to masturbate or go watch youtube/netflix. And I typed in a name on facebook of a girl I used to fap to. I have plucky installed on my laptop, which means I cannot see any pictures or video on any website. So I saw nothing. I realized what I was doing and closed my browser. And did some journaling to get my mind right. I did not see anything so I dont count it as a relapse. But if I am honest with myself. If I did not had the blocker installed, it probably would have gone wrong. And it always starts innocent with a picture, but it always gets worse and worse.

What i did instead to soothe my anxiety, was lay in bed, turned on my favourite podcast and just relaxed my body. Maybe not the best strategy. But the stress I felt did not allow me to do much else. But it worked and I feel good again.

Something I did one week ago, which I feel very good about, was deleting all my nudes colection from my laptop. I saved nudes that girls have send to me. And I felt strong and deleted them all. And I have not felt any regret, in contrary. It felt like a relief.

I am gratefull today, for all the opportunities in my life, to experience wonderfull things, all the people I met while traveling to other countries. And learning about the world. I realize not everyone in the world had these opportunities. And I feel very blessed for that.

 

[seano]

When I was born as a kid, I came in this world, knowing nothing, trying to do the right thing. And everyone told us that watching P is normal. Not knowing what it can lead to. We never chose to get addicted.

I totally relate to this! I never thought I would be a porn addict. I too thought it was just a normal, harmless thing people did. Come to find out years later it has caused so much pain for me and loved ones and somehow I haven't been able to stop.
I've also learned it's easier to become addicted to any drug, porn included when we are young with developing brains.

We must have compassion for our younger selves who didn't know any better. Also, we must take responsibility for how we would like to move forward now that we do know better.

Thank you for sharing

 

[seano]

Day 7/30

Today was te first time I almost failed. It was not very bad. I ordered a coffee somewhere and for some reason it hit me very hard. And I got very stressed. Usually I would, when I am stressed, choose to masturbate or go watch youtube/netflix. And I typed in a name on facebook of a girl I used to fap to. I have plucky installed on my laptop, which means I cannot see any pictures or video on any website. So I saw nothing. I realized what I was doing and closed my browser. And did some journaling to get my mind right. I did not see anything so I dont count it as a relapse. But if I am honest with myself. If I did not had the blocker installed, it probably would have gone wrong. And it always starts innocent with a picture, but it always gets worse and worse.

What i did instead to soothe my anxiety, was lay in bed, turned on my favourite podcast and just relaxed my body. Maybe not the best strategy. But the stress I felt did not allow me to do much else. But it worked and I feel good again.

Something I did one week ago, which I feel very good about, was deleting all my nudes colection from my laptop. I saved nudes that girls have send to me. And I felt strong and deleted them all. And I have not felt any regret, in contrary. It felt like a relief.

I am gratefull today, for all the opportunities in my life, to experience wonderfull things, all the people I met while traveling to other countries. And learning about the world. I realize not everyone in the world had these opportunities. And I feel very blessed for that.

That's what's up! Well done staying strong and deciding to journal and listen to a podcast instead. Not an easy thing to do when the cravings hit hard, but definitely a huge win in rewiring your brain away from porn. Keep it up

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 8/30

Last night was difficult, had a lot of urges. My addiction came up with a lot of ideas how to get my fix without cheating. I wanted to message one of the girls I used to do sexting with. But for a normal conversation. "sure". And then it would not be my fault if she send me nudes. Obviously this is just as bad as wathcing P. So, I told myself, if i choose to do this. I would put it in my journal on this forum. But when I thought this, I knew it was against my recovery to do this. So I did not. But at that moment, it felt very important to get my fix. Like the most important thing in the world.

When I woke up, I thought back and saw how ridiculous my thoughts were. And My mind was straight again, seeing the bigger picture. I am gratefull today for my family, and what they did for me growing up, even though we knew a lot of difficult times. But we always tried to do the best things.

 

[seano]

Keep it up @Ingibjörg !
It's crazy the way our brains can trick us into thinking it "no big deal" when the cravings are strong. Another win for the reboot/rewire.
I'm curious, are there any habits you are trying to develop as replacements for the PMO?

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 9/30

I noticed I still have some of my addiction tendencies. Even though I dont scroll social media, youtube or porn. When I listen podcast or music, I keep clicking on new music and podcast to just keep distracting myself. Looking for a rush. But small steps at a time. The dopamine from podcast is way less, so I am happy with my progress. I must admit, I did a few times open facebook the last week, without thinking and then close it once I realize I opened it.

I was also chatting with a girl on whatsapp, and felt really strong urges to make it sexual. But I did not do it. But somewhere in me I maybe hoped she would. So, I could say it was not my fault. I dont know if I could have resisted that. But I am very glad it did not happen. I have to be carefull

When I am in the subway or walking, I feel less of the need to distract myself. And I enjoy just looking around and thinking. And I am glad about that. Another thing I noticed today is that a lot of pretty girls seemed to enjoy talking to me, I enjoyed it as well. Maybe they always do, but I just don't notice. Maybe they like it because I am more interested in them and look them in the eye when talking. Or they just feel my energy is different.

I am grateful, for being in good mental and physical health. The most valuable thing in life. And sometimes I forget to appreciate it.

 

[Ingibjörg]

Keep it up @Ingibjörg !
It's crazy the way our brains can trick us into thinking it "no big deal" when the cravings are strong. Another win for the reboot/rewire.
I'm curious, are there any habits you are trying to develop as replacements for the PMO?

To stay away from my phone, social media. I always try to have my book closer to me then my phone. So if i feel the need to distract myself because I am bored. I grab my book and read.

Also, what I do is journaling. Ofcourse, I journal here every day to keep my progress. When I am stressed or emotional, I used to go fap to deal with my emotions. But now I just grab pen and paper and vent everything out and that is a relief.

The most important type of journaling for me, is the metascript method by universal men. It is a way to reflect on your mistakes. Or deal with urges. Would highly recommend to check it out.

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 10/30

Today I had a weird day. I had a day off en was very tired from my job. I basically lay in bed and slept the whole day. After a while, I felt a bit bad when I woke up. But I did not take care of myself. I had a good meal and water and felt good again.

I feel like the longer I am away from porn, the easier it is to distance myself from it. When I was using it daily, I could not see myself without it. But it is more and more clicking in my head, that a life without is possible and enjoyable. I am blessed to have no withdrawal symptoms i read about. For me the withdrawal is really bad 2 days, and worst just after a session, so that is even more reason to stay away. Because When I am watching P every day I am basically every day in withdrawal. I do have strong urges at times. But I am strong enough to handle my feelings in each moment, but only one moment at a time

Still have no libido, which makes it easier for me. I do wake up with morning wood some days. Enjoy this, because when I was still

Today I am grateful, that my sister is doing better, she was in a really bad place healthwise. And I am glad she recovered against all odds.

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 11/30

Today, was a bad day, and a good day recovery wise. I was very very close to a relapse. I had to wake up at 3AM for work, so only slept for 4 hours, then worked for 12 hours. So that played a big role. It started when a girl send me a message with nudes and asked if I wanted to buy content. (I subscribed to her onlyfans a while ago and talked with her back then). I immediately told her no, I am not interested and explained why. She understood, and we talked for a short while about regular stuff. I am proud I did not look at the pics or say anything sexual, but I could have handled it better by not engaging at all. But one step at a time.

But because of this encounter, my head was going crazy with urges, because if you give this addiction a finger they take your hand. What I did after was not good. I deleted all number of girls I ever had sexting with, and changed my number. But I did still have someone's financial account. I send her a few dollars and hoped she would reach out. I also reached out to another girl. Here I messed up, it felt like i had no control when I did these things. And it felt like these were the most important things in the world.

I was so close to relapsing, and feeling horrible again for days/weeks. But I am very proud of what I did after this. I knew that if I did my journaling and self-talk, I would write urges away with the right words. So, my addiction voice said, don't go journaling, this is fun. But I chose to did my self-talk journal. And it worked, I saw clear again, I saw the lies, the truth, and the bigger picture. I immediately deleted the payment app I had used permanently before she could respond.

I feel very relieved now, that the urge is gone. When I had the urge, I knew it was wrong, and that I would regret it but just did not care. In another post, this week, I will explain the things I tell myself for the urges to go away, but I am too sleepy now.

I considered resetting my counter, but I am not going to do it. I saw nothing sexual, and had no sexual conversation. Just a moment of trying to get it. I did not handle everything well today, but I am glad how it turned out, I don't think I ever overcame such a strong urge.

Today I am gratefull that I am not feeling miserable after a PMO session

2 sources that helped me today:

This Advice From Elizabeth Gilbert May Shift How You Think About Self-Love

"Within each of us lives a sweet, defenseless creature—and she needs a little tenderness."

www.yahoo.com

 

[Blondie]

Nice job @Ingibjörg!

That's how you do it, one step at a time.

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 12/30

It is 3 AM here, and just finished working so I am going to keep it short today.
I felt good today, my friend down there still on vacation, but my balls feel very heavy

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 14/30

I am resorting a bit back to my old way of escapism. So I have to be carefull. I can see some behaviours slip in which are not sustainable for me. Today I watched a talk show on tv for the first time in two weeks, because it was about a subject I was very interested in. After that I evidently watched another program. After that I feel the urge to do more. Another thing I did was thinking about booking an escort. I am not necesarily against people doing this. But obviously for me it would be just replacing one addiction for another. One last thing I tended to do, I am having language tutors on a website and book lessons to learn a new language and I enjoy this. Thing is, all the teachers I chose are pretty ladies. The lessons are professional, and they are dressed properly ofcourse. But I feel like I am enjoying this a bit too much. Conversing with them. Ofcourse, I enjoy talking to pretty woman. But I also had the tendency today, to scroll trough the list of teachers and look for pretty girls.

Altogether, it is not very bad. But I can feel I might get back to old patterns and I absolutely dont want that. So I have to be carefull.

I used to have a lot of energy the past 2 weeks, and I enjoyed that. Today, I did not get anything done, and felt like just laying in bed. I think this might aswell came because I am tired and ate pretty bad. I still feel a lot better then after a fap. That is one sure thing.

At times, this is very easy, and I am excited because of that. And feel like getting even more strict with myself. Also, no forums or podcast. But there is a time fore everything. And since I watched the TV show today, I clearly have to focus on my initial goal first.

Biggest problem I am facing, is the urges. They are not often. But once I have one, it feels like watching P is the most important thing in the world. It is scary to me, because a few minutes before that, I felt like it is so easy without. And when the urge goes again. It felt like nothing happened. Which is good. I feel like the longer I abstain, the easier it is to imagine a life without it. And it feels further away from me. But as I said before, I have to be carefull. Because I know this is a chain reaction and can start very slow and turn worse and worse.

Today I am gratefull for having a bed, a roof and a door. So at night I can sleep at peace while feeling safe.

 

[Blondie]

Biggest problem I am facing, is the urges. They are not often. But once I have one, it feels like watching P is the most important thing in the world.

This is pretty common. I don't say that to discourage you, just to let you know what you're feeling is normal. That's why the porn demon must go, because it can literally make you do the dumbest stuff that you weren't even intending to do.

You're doing great.

 

[Ingibjörg]

This is pretty common. I don't say that to discourage you, just to let you know what you're feeling is normal. That's why the porn demon must go, because it can literally make you do the dumbest stuff that you weren't even intending to do.

You doing great.

Thanks Blondie. I feel more comfortable with them now that I conquered a few of time. Because at the time it hits, it feels like it would last forever, and a life without is not possible. But now I keep realizing more and more, that I will feel normal again within minutes if I don't give in.

 

[seano]

But once I have one, it feels like watching P is the most important thing in the world. It is scary to me, because a few minutes before that, I felt like it is so easy without. And when the urge goes again. It felt like nothing happened.

Totally feel this. One moment, I'm like "this is easy, I haven't even been craving it" next moment I'm in a warzone with myself in my head trying to avoid consuming lol
It's crazy to me to think how strong of a drug porn is in that way and it's so widely available, even to children

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 15/30

Today was a bit of a less day again. I could not get myself to move. But again, I slept bad and ate bad. So that could have been a big contribution to it. I can also not blame every bad day on the fact I don't watch P anymore. Because we have bad days regardless, and I still feel way better then after a PMO session.

Talking to people is a lot easier, and feels more natural with more eye contact. Even though today I was tired and it went less smooth then prior days.

I am still seeing the dopamine searching behaviour. Sometimes I caught myself looking for the perfect podcast, get bored start a new one. But they all dont scratch the itch. Same with forums, I spend too much time reading it, and it just does not fullfill me so I keep going. But it did get a lot easier to put my phone/laptop away, so that is a win.

Today I am grateful for quitting my smoking cigarette addiction

 

[Ingibjörg]

Day 0/30

Hello team, I have a sad announcement. I masturbated today. The following happened:

a girl I met on tinder started talking to me, it started to get sexual pretty quick. And we did some sexting. I got hard, and asked her for a video. I could not resist my urges and masturbated to this video. This was a video where she was fully clothed.

At that moment, I remember it felt like the most important thing in the world, and that urge felt so real. Also, I lied to myself: this is not wrong, it is only letters on a screen, no porn. This is a real girl, so it is not wrong. Now I am already this far, might as well masturbate. I will start again tomorrow.

I am not that mad about it, I have to forgive myself, and remind myself it is not worth it, and that I dont need it. The past 15 days, I got glimpses of how it felt like to be free of P. And had the realization I don't need this at all. And I am gratefull for that.

Things I am going to change:
- Meditate daily, I still have the tendency to run away from my feelings, usually, meditation helps me with this.
- Quit drinking cafeïne, messes up my sleep, and is a trigger for me.

That was it for today. Well be back here tomorrow, and keep on doing what I was doing.

Today I am grateful for my 15 days streak, and the glimpses I have seen of life without P.