Desperate and hopeless...

[Lila86]

Hi all,
my man and I try to fight all this for more than a year now. Our relationship is not much longer than that.
He hasn't watched porn or masturbated for about a year. We went from 4 months cold turkey, to no orgasms for him, to weird things in between.
But things became really unnatural and predictable.
He has basically no libido in about 6, 7 months now.
I struggled with all the common issues, insomnia, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, trust issues, tearfulness, name it I got it.
And he tried his very best to try to support me with those.
However, he seems very stubborn in trying things that might be helpful for him.
I begged him to try all those things, talk to somebody here on the forum, try counselling, mindfulness, a diary, get his testosterone tested, sex/couple therapy, everything.
He is convinced that he just needs time and that all of those mentioned things won't do a thing. He wants time and no orgasms, or no sex.
I am losing my hope in all this. Even if all those things I am suggesting don't help but he would at least show me that he gives it a try.
I think he'll try therapy now, for one session he says. But yeah, I am losing hope.
He knows I would do everything for him. I am not sure if he would though...
I feel completely out of control... I am seeing a counsellor, bought a book, am in touch with a woman from this forum, write a diary... but obviously all this won't solve his problem.
I know I can't push him to something and he has his own struggle with all this but what does he expect from me?!
He also is opposed to the idea of me sexually seeing other people to maybe take the pressure of him.
We are currently on a break, trying to give each other time to think things through, to decide what's best for us.
Everybody just tells me to leave...
But I love him. We planned a future together, wanted to get married, travel the world, have kids...
I am desperate for any advice or similar experiences.
If I leave now, what was this all worth? I would feel used and thrown away

Sorry for this depressing post but I don't know what to do with myself.
Lila

 

[DLS184]

first of all, beautiful name, like my daughter
And yes, your situation is a really tough thing
I’m sure that the break is the best for your friend, because failing with this help, failing with this therapy is not helpful for your friend.
He said it, too. All this fails are just pressuring him
I know it’s sounds really silly, but sometimes is the person we love the most, not the right one, I learned this on the really hard way
Give him space and time (I know give time after so long time sounds crazy, but all his failing in the past made nothing better)
If you really love like you say, go for a time, do your business, live your life
And he should being the same

 

[Lila86]

Dear DLS184,

thank you for your reply.
I'll try doing that and I hope it will bring us some answers. All of it is just so scary.

 

[DLS184]

Hey Lila,

I can imagine how you and your friend are feeling
Every reboot is different, but all of them are a really tough test for everyone… I hope you two the best

 

[Lila86]

Thank you... I hope so too.

 

[Gracie]

Hey Lila,
It is tough to go through this. I don’t think many men realize how many ways they change. Not just in our relationship, but also how they act towards others at work, at family get togethers etc. My husband and I have now been together for 36 years. When I discovered his use, it took about a year of hard work from both of us. My story is in the Women’s Section if you want to read about it. I realize you have not been together for a long time, but it is important for you to take care of you. That was hard advice for me to hear, but it turned out to be helpful. You are the only one that can decide. In my case, I set boundaries for what would make me feel safe. At the beginning, kiss hello and kiss goodbye when ever we left for work, shopping whatever every time. It is important to establish non-sexual touch. We sat side by side on the couch. We sat next to each other when we went out to eat in a booth. And we talked, and we cried, and we cussed. I researched the porn addiction. Not much out in 2012. I went on a site that was mostly men and I talked. It helped. I made friends there. Then Gabe started this and asked me to come to this site. The other site was getting a bit Wild West. So I came over. We had an active group of women but then we got a pretty big troll problem and I became a moderator. But alas, the women were harmed. So if you need to talk or vent, you can message me here or post. I will try to check back often.

 

[Lila86]

Dear Gracie,
thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind message and the offer to contact you.
It's been a rough year for sure and as you said you gotta know how far you can go.
Thank you very much, I will send you a private message as well.