I’m loosing it

PartnerOf

New Member
I’m so sick of this. My husband has been making awesome gradual progress giving me a glimmer of hope that things could change after years of struggle. I found out he’s been lying to me for several days about using. I feel like an idiot cause I trusted him. I said to him how I could tell the difference when we had sex, that we felt more connected lately, but I was wrong- he’s just good at lying. The dishonesty is what hurts the most. If he would have just told me he was struggling I would have understood. He doesn’t need to put on a facade that things are ok I already know they aren’t. I respect him so much more when he’s honest even if he uses. I hate being married to a perpetual liar. Who am I supposed to trust in this world if not the person closest to me? It puts so much else into question. How he can look me straight in the eyes with this look of love and lie to my face? I’m heart broken.
 
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Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching to say the least. Often men think the use is only theirs and doesn’t or shouldn’t affect their partners. But it does affect us. And if you have time to go back to the beginning of the partner forum, you will find that the covering up of use, the outright lying about use is what bothered partners of addicts the most. There were a couple of things that changed my husband and my approach to this. First we read Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. The blog Mark did, listed here, contained all sorts of help http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ Both of these have information for both the user and the partner. They were the beginning for us. I just want to add you are not going crazy. It may feel that way. You can message me here or write in the thread. You are worth the change and take care of you.
 

PartnerOf

New Member
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching to say the least. Often men think the use is only theirs and doesn’t or shouldn’t affect their partners. But it does affect us. And if you have time to go back to the beginning of the partner forum, you will find that the covering up of use, the outright lying about use is what bothered partners of addicts the most. There were a couple of things that changed my husband and my approach to this. First we read Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. The blog Mark did, listed here, contained all sorts of help http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ Both of these have information for both the user and the partner. They were the beginning for us. I just want to add you are not going crazy. It may feel that way. You can message me here or write in the thread. You are worth the change and take care of you.
Thanks for your help and resources. I was having a really bad day. It’s so helpful to have other people to talk with going through this.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I know it is hard to go through. I think people don’t realize that the partner is alone. So many things that are hurtful. Like: All guys look. Our guy takes it to a different level. Like: if you took care of yourself. We do take care of ourselves. Like: it’s a phase. Nope not that. Like: Give him more sex. Well, I am the one asking. It is a very odd situation that we are in.. Trying to get our relationship put back together.
 
If you can please look up this site BTR.org which is Betrayal Trauma Recovery. There is a lot of information there and they could help.

Porn use is big deal. He needs to educate himself and learn your side and how it affects you.
Lying is a form of abuse. As soon as he accepts that and is on the road to control then the healing can actually start.

Stay strong!
 
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