I’m loosing it

PartnerOf

Member
I’m so sick of this. My husband has been making awesome gradual progress giving me a glimmer of hope that things could change after years of struggle. I found out he’s been lying to me for several days about using. I feel like an idiot cause I trusted him. I said to him how I could tell the difference when we had sex, that we felt more connected lately, but I was wrong- he’s just good at lying. The dishonesty is what hurts the most. If he would have just told me he was struggling I would have understood. He doesn’t need to put on a facade that things are ok I already know they aren’t. I respect him so much more when he’s honest even if he uses. I hate being married to a perpetual liar. Who am I supposed to trust in this world if not the person closest to me? It puts so much else into question. How he can look me straight in the eyes with this look of love and lie to my face? I’m heart broken.
 
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Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching to say the least. Often men think the use is only theirs and doesn’t or shouldn’t affect their partners. But it does affect us. And if you have time to go back to the beginning of the partner forum, you will find that the covering up of use, the outright lying about use is what bothered partners of addicts the most. There were a couple of things that changed my husband and my approach to this. First we read Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. The blog Mark did, listed here, contained all sorts of help http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ Both of these have information for both the user and the partner. They were the beginning for us. I just want to add you are not going crazy. It may feel that way. You can message me here or write in the thread. You are worth the change and take care of you.
 

PartnerOf

Member
I am so sorry you are going through this. It is gut wrenching to say the least. Often men think the use is only theirs and doesn’t or shouldn’t affect their partners. But it does affect us. And if you have time to go back to the beginning of the partner forum, you will find that the covering up of use, the outright lying about use is what bothered partners of addicts the most. There were a couple of things that changed my husband and my approach to this. First we read Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. The blog Mark did, listed here, contained all sorts of help http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com/ Both of these have information for both the user and the partner. They were the beginning for us. I just want to add you are not going crazy. It may feel that way. You can message me here or write in the thread. You are worth the change and take care of you.
Thanks for your help and resources. I was having a really bad day. It’s so helpful to have other people to talk with going through this.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I know it is hard to go through. I think people don’t realize that the partner is alone. So many things that are hurtful. Like: All guys look. Our guy takes it to a different level. Like: if you took care of yourself. We do take care of ourselves. Like: it’s a phase. Nope not that. Like: Give him more sex. Well, I am the one asking. It is a very odd situation that we are in.. Trying to get our relationship put back together.
 
If you can please look up this site BTR.org which is Betrayal Trauma Recovery. There is a lot of information there and they could help.

Porn use is big deal. He needs to educate himself and learn your side and how it affects you.
Lying is a form of abuse. As soon as he accepts that and is on the road to control then the healing can actually start.

Stay strong!
 

Rbt.partner

New Member
Hi everyone, it’s my first time posting. My partner has had this problem for around 12 years, we’ve been together 5 and a year into the relationship I catch him a few times so I realised he had a problem. I have an anxiety disorder so when this happened everything got worse. It’s a long story like I guess all of you have been through.
Is illness has made him gone to far to the level of sexting a person in mu family, they are not aware of this problem so you can imagine the reacción of the family.
I have gave him all the opportunities, to seek help, taking him to professionals but I guess he’s always thought that he can manage it on his own. He was doing well but the this happened.
The feeling is terrible, I feel I give up. I’m very linked with mental health and other additions in my family but for me the hardest thing is that he doesn’t seam to show remorse and at the moment I feel he’s not doing enough to help himself, hence me. I’m just sharing freely knowing that you all understand what we go through.
I would like some help or input and if anyone wants to talk please don’t hesitate to text
 

Rbt.partner

New Member
I’m so sick of this. My husband has been making awesome gradual progress giving me a glimmer of hope that things could change after years of struggle. I found out he’s been lying to me for several days about using. I feel like an idiot cause I trusted him. I said to him how I could tell the difference when we had sex, that we felt more connected lately, but I was wrong- he’s just good at lying. The dishonesty is what hurts the most. If he would have just told me he was struggling I would have understood. He doesn’t need to put on a facade that things are ok I already know they aren’t. I respect him so much more when he’s honest even if he uses. I hate being married to a perpetual liar. Who am I supposed to trust in this world if not the person closest to me? It puts so much else into question. How he can look me straight in the eyes with this look of love and lie to my face? I’m heart broken.
Hi, I can understand the pain. Mainly because we don’t understand that they lie even when we are there giving them the help at the end we only want them to be healthy for them selfs. The lie is part of it and like you that is what I find the hardest.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The lying is the worst. They act like nothing is different, that we see things that are not there, we bring up the lack of sex, the feeling like a roommate, the treating the kids differently, they do not come to bed with us. What do we hear? Nothing is wrong. When everything is wrong! And we know something isn’t right. How could we figure it was a screen with fake people? How could we know it was a whoever happened to be naked on the screen. We couldn’t. It took a while for us to wade through everything and him to be truthful. He was the one person that I felt had never lied to me, I felt so secure in that. He and I talked the other day, and we are many years past working through that time. I said to him, “You were the only one in my life I ever trusted with everything. What you did by lying and doing that changed me forever. I love you, but I will never have that one in a million feeling again. You took it away.” He said, “I know.”
 

Flesh

Member
When there is lies about these things, there is shame, and where shame lies the ego stand on unstable grounds. It can be kind of "if no one other than me know that I did it, it's less real and thus it hurts my ego less".

And I don't mean that it is how it is for your husband, I say it's a possible way of thinking it. It may as well just be :"I'm giving in and I lie to control her behavior".
 

PartnerOf

Member
And now again on another cycle of lies…There are times I regret marrying my husband. Not for the porn use but because I can’t trust anything he says anymore. He lies with such ease and conviction. When he admits the truth I'm generous and try to express support. I try to make it a safe place to tell the truth but it just keeps happening. I appreciate the input from everyone so much on this thread. It’s another night I feel lost and having this place to be real means a lot.
 
D

Deleted member 26092

Guest
And now again on another cycle of lies…There are times I regret marrying my husband. Not for the porn use but because I can’t trust anything he says anymore. He lies with such ease and conviction. When he admits the truth I'm generous and try to express support. I try to make it a safe place to tell the truth but it just keeps happening. I appreciate the input from everyone so much on this thread. It’s another night I feel lost and having this place to be real means a lot.
I think you are a smart person. The way you describe your marriage can't be accepted in my opinion. Talk to him, tell him that his actions lead to no trust. And that at the end of this tunnel, there is divorce. Ask him, if he is ok with this. Don't waste your time with people that don't appreciate you.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Dear Partnerof,
You are the only one that can decide what is right for you. Did I think about leaving my husband? Yes. However, there was this very huge thing, I loved him! So, I worked on me. I, little by little, told him what I needed. I called him on ogling every time at the time. I told him only truth. He told his story, little by little. It took a year of this to feel we would make it through. And we did.
 

PartnerOf

Member
Dear Partnerof,
You are the only one that can decide what is right for you. Did I think about leaving my husband? Yes. However, there was this very huge thing, I loved him! So, I worked on me. I, little by little, told him what I needed. I called him on ogling every time at the time. I told him only truth. He told his story, little by little. It took a year of this to feel we would make it through. And we did.
Thanks Gracie, your words mean a lot to me.
 
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