Killing my Dirtiest Secret

Filmguy30

Member
Day 5 - smooth sailing! I had a bad fight with my girl so I’ll keep all of you posted on that in the coming days but PMO hasn’t been a thought for me. I had a crazy, kinky sex dream and woke up hard but didn’t do anything about it! I hope everyone out there is staying on top of it.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 5.5 - woke up feeling like garbage. Hated it. Felt depressed, angry, all the above. I went on Instagram and started typing in keywords. Saw one image and then the thought of relapsing just made me even more angry and upset. I stopped myself and now I’m here. Not counting this as a relapse because it might as well have been an ad and I stopped it with prejudice. I didn’t linger around and want to be there or get any sort of satisfaction. What a dumb, annoying addiction. I wish we didn’t all have it or that I didn’t look up boobs when I was young. Maybe things could’ve been different… but the only thing I know is that the only way, the ONLY way to not feel like shit anymore is by escaping this garbage. I’m coming back with more fire now.
 

another1

Member
idk if this would be helpful for you, but something that’s been great for me is committing every morning my actions (or lack of actions) for the day!! this way all i’m doing is saying, for the following day and night, i won’t look at porn. when things get hard, i don’t think “i’ll never watch porn again, how miserable!”, i think, “all i’m doing is avoiding it today.” just an idea, but it could be helpful!! and regardless, all the work you’ve been doing still counts. relapses don’t undo all the progress already complete
 

Filmguy30

Member
Well lads, I made it to Day 8 and relapsed. I went back home for the holidays and just fell off. I got triggered by Instagram reels and just went crazy. I’ve binged the past two days without any regard for recovery. Really disappointed because it’s made me slip into old habits like nicotine and staying up really late, waking up late and not hanging as much with my family.

On day 7, I told my girlfriend about my history with porn and addiction. I told her everything about her not really knowing me before I got sober four years ago and how addiction is just so deeply rooted in me. I’ve felt emotionally and motivationally stunted throughout mt whole life because I’ve been so consumed. The worst part is that she was upset, angry even, that I hadn’t told her about any of this. It was sad honestly. Obviously I don’t expect her to be incredibly happy and supportive upon hearing it initially but it seemed like she didn’t really care that I was trying to recover but was more interested in being angry at me for keeping it to myself. I had a terrible experience with telling my first girlfriend about my porn addiction. She was so supportive of me, hugged me and thanked me for telling her and that she loved me no matter what. As the months went on and I was unable to stop, it broke her to see me struggle so badly and her not be able to help. It made her cry every night and eventually I felt so much guilt for not only ruining myself but also her emotions that I went deeper into my addiction. That subconsciously made me never want to tell my current girlfriend, not wanting to fuck her up as well. It makes me question how supportive and loving my girlfriend is since she doesn’t really care about my well-being but rather just wanting transparency. Maybe it’s just me expecting too much but it really made me angry at her.

anyways, I’m disappointed with myself. I want and need to get clean from this, being home is not an excuse for binging. The little monster inside me didn’t even want me to write this out and wanted me to go even deeper into the addiction, but I can’t let that happen. Im going to re-read EasyPeasy today and download the YBOP e-book as well. I’m going to take extensive notes on both and transcribe them into book summaries. I have a lot of other work to be done but this is a priority. Im also going to block as many random baddies that pop onto my Instagram. I’ll also avoid just being in my room whenever I can, forcing myself to be with family instead. Stay strong fellas because I feel like trash right now. This shouldn’t be an incentive for you to relapse - it should be a warning.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Well lads, I made it to Day 8 and relapsed. I went back home for the holidays and just fell off. I got triggered by Instagram reels and just went crazy. I’ve binged the past two days without any regard for recovery. Really disappointed because it’s made me slip into old habits like nicotine and staying up really late, waking up late and not hanging as much with my family.

On day 7, I told my girlfriend about my history with porn and addiction. I told her everything about her not really knowing me before I got sober four years ago and how addiction is just so deeply rooted in me. I’ve felt emotionally and motivationally stunted throughout mt whole life because I’ve been so consumed. The worst part is that she was upset, angry even, that I hadn’t told her about any of this. It was sad honestly. Obviously I don’t expect her to be incredibly happy and supportive upon hearing it initially but it seemed like she didn’t really care that I was trying to recover but was more interested in being angry at me for keeping it to myself. I had a terrible experience with telling my first girlfriend about my porn addiction. She was so supportive of me, hugged me and thanked me for telling her and that she loved me no matter what. As the months went on and I was unable to stop, it broke her to see me struggle so badly and her not be able to help. It made her cry every night and eventually I felt so much guilt for not only ruining myself but also her emotions that I went deeper into my addiction. That subconsciously made me never want to tell my current girlfriend, not wanting to fuck her up as well. It makes me question how supportive and loving my girlfriend is since she doesn’t really care about my well-being but rather just wanting transparency. Maybe it’s just me expecting too much but it really made me angry at her.

anyways, I’m disappointed with myself. I want and need to get clean from this, being home is not an excuse for binging. The little monster inside me didn’t even want me to write this out and wanted me to go even deeper into the addiction, but I can’t let that happen. Im going to re-read EasyPeasy today and download the YBOP e-book as well. I’m going to take extensive notes on both and transcribe them into book summaries. I have a lot of other work to be done but this is a priority. Im also going to block as many random baddies that pop onto my Instagram. I’ll also avoid just being in my room whenever I can, forcing myself to be with family instead. Stay strong fellas because I feel like trash right now. This shouldn’t be an incentive for you to relapse - it should be a warning.
Hey man, get back on the horse and immediately stop the pmo again.

Sending you support, you can do it
 

Filmguy30

Member
Another day of bingeing for your boy. Not acceptable to be honest. It’s wild how deep the hooks of PMO have on me but I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. I’m going to beat this someday. I know I will. I have absolute faith that we can all beat this - it just takes dedication and killing the monster inside us.

Once again, if you’re reading this, it’s not a green light to let yourself relapse and fall into the addiction - this is a warning that you can’t.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I feel you, man. I know exactly what you're talking about as addicts end up sharing common aspects. My last 1 week long streak ended with 2 days of binging and I was fuming, man. But we got 2 choices: The first one is giving up and living the porn junkie lifestyle, enjoying the pleasure that is never enough, on the hedonistic treadmill, and the second one is searching for new solutions. You could find them when you least expect them, as long as you are doing everything in your power to find what works for you. Ditch the fuckin Instagram, that's a trap. Ditch everything that is a sexual trap for guys like me and you. Never stop looking for the truth, find your truth. If you are a truth seeker, you will find it.
 

dopaminer

Member
Hey Dan, you doing alright?

I just joined and I saw a lot of stuff in your original post and subsequent ones that really struck a chord with me, a lot looked reaaaallly familiar. The instagram Discover feed and reel rabbit-holes are so easy to get sucked down, and lately I think they're one of the big things that have been pulling me back into this brutal addiction. I know it might be hard, but would you consider uninstalling instagram for a while. Maybe eliminating the source of some triggers could help?

Rooting for ya, my man.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Hey gang!

Thanks everyone for checking in on me over the past few weeks. I had a bit of a rough go of it after the Holidays - tons of intermittent binges and indulging in nicotine again. I’m not proud of myself, considering how good I felt on my 16 Day streak around Thanksgiving.

I’m directing my senior capstone short film for school this time next month and have had a crazy underlying anxiety about the whole thing. I’m so excited to do it but am worried that my PMO addiction will get in the way, killing me with brain fog, low self-confidence, and providing a crutch throughout the process. I don’t want that at all so I’m coming back to this forum for help.

My relationship has also had significant strain on it in the past month as well. I’ve been working hard throughout the day and by the time I finish for the day, all I want to do is lay in bed and binge before sleeping instead of going to my girl’s house. It’s bad and has gotten to a point where she tells me that she needs more from me. She’s right and deserves more but I know this addiction has taken back a part of me. Not anymore though

I need your help with this. All my reboots in the past have been in “the pink cloud”: the euphoria recovering addicts feel when they finally get short success against their addiction. It wears off after a while and eventually the addiction comes back hard. I really want to avoid that this time around.

I’d love to hear/read/watch any resources or tips you’ve had on a successful reboot. What do you think is the most effective way to start off right? I’m willing to try anything so please let me know!

Once again, thanks for being here for me and checking in - I’ll be doing the same throughout this week to all of you!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
What has been working for me so far is 2 things: Trying to ignore the porn images from my head and seeing the end result, me feeling drained, depressed and low after relapse and then having high social anxiety and brain fog at work. I'm coming from not being able to even make it to 10 days at the end of last year and now I'm having the best beginning of the year ever in my life regarding porn addiction. I believe it's very important to deal with the porn flashbacks that pop up in our head. If we start "looking at them", "watching", getting stimulated, getting turned on by them, it gets very difficult very quickly. We only have the first second to switch our attention to something else, and breath deep, and wait for the frenzy to calm down. You can do it, dude!
 
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