Well lads, I made it to Day 8 and relapsed. I went back home for the holidays and just fell off. I got triggered by Instagram reels and just went crazy. I’ve binged the past two days without any regard for recovery. Really disappointed because it’s made me slip into old habits like nicotine and staying up really late, waking up late and not hanging as much with my family.
On day 7, I told my girlfriend about my history with porn and addiction. I told her everything about her not really knowing me before I got sober four years ago and how addiction is just so deeply rooted in me. I’ve felt emotionally and motivationally stunted throughout mt whole life because I’ve been so consumed. The worst part is that she was upset, angry even, that I hadn’t told her about any of this. It was sad honestly. Obviously I don’t expect her to be incredibly happy and supportive upon hearing it initially but it seemed like she didn’t really care that I was trying to recover but was more interested in being angry at me for keeping it to myself. I had a terrible experience with telling my first girlfriend about my porn addiction. She was so supportive of me, hugged me and thanked me for telling her and that she loved me no matter what. As the months went on and I was unable to stop, it broke her to see me struggle so badly and her not be able to help. It made her cry every night and eventually I felt so much guilt for not only ruining myself but also her emotions that I went deeper into my addiction. That subconsciously made me never want to tell my current girlfriend, not wanting to fuck her up as well. It makes me question how supportive and loving my girlfriend is since she doesn’t really care about my well-being but rather just wanting transparency. Maybe it’s just me expecting too much but it really made me angry at her.
anyways, I’m disappointed with myself. I want and need to get clean from this, being home is not an excuse for binging. The little monster inside me didn’t even want me to write this out and wanted me to go even deeper into the addiction, but I can’t let that happen. Im going to re-read EasyPeasy today and download the YBOP e-book as well. I’m going to take extensive notes on both and transcribe them into book summaries. I have a lot of other work to be done but this is a priority. Im also going to block as many random baddies that pop onto my Instagram. I’ll also avoid just being in my room whenever I can, forcing myself to be with family instead. Stay strong fellas because I feel like trash right now. This shouldn’t be an incentive for you to relapse - it should be a warning.