Killing my Dirtiest Secret

Filmguy30

Member
Day 9 - literally had one of the most stressful days ever… and we’re still going baby! I’m so lucky to have been shown that quitting actually isn’t hard! Porn is a crazy addiction, but once you recognize that it doesn’t give you pleasure, doesn’t help you cope, and is really the root cause of the pain that you’re trying to cure anyway, it loses its power over you. I really can’t even envision what a relapse looks like for me now. So happy rn guys.
 

msp0000

Member
Day 9 - literally had one of the most stressful days ever… and we’re still going baby! I’m so lucky to have been shown that quitting actually isn’t hard! Porn is a crazy addiction, but once you recognize that it doesn’t give you pleasure, doesn’t help you cope, and is really the root cause of the pain that you’re trying to cure anyway, it loses its power over you. I really can’t even envision what a relapse looks like for me now. So happy rn guys.
couldn't be happier for you brother!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 10 - just flew home for the holidays so not much to report. Since leaving for college, every time I’ve come home for the holidays, I’d relapse on the first night. I’d be so self-centered and spiraling that I wouldn’t connect with my parents or brothers at all. Not this time though. I had a really awesome, long conversation with my mom which I never would’ve had in years past. I’m finally getting back in touch with my life as a non-user. I’ve never been more excited to tackle the future.
 

another1

Member
Day 10 - just flew home for the holidays so not much to report. Since leaving for college, every time I’ve come home for the holidays, I’d relapse on the first night. I’d be so self-centered and spiraling that I wouldn’t connect with my parents or brothers at all. Not this time though. I had a really awesome, long conversation with my mom which I never would’ve had in years past. I’m finally getting back in touch with my life as a non-user. I’ve never been more excited to tackle the future.
you’re doing so good!! happy to hear not looking at p is helping you in other areas of your life as well like connecting with family
 

msp0000

Member
Day 10 - just flew home for the holidays so not much to report. Since leaving for college, every time I’ve come home for the holidays, I’d relapse on the first night. I’d be so self-centered and spiraling that I wouldn’t connect with my parents or brothers at all. Not this time though. I had a really awesome, long conversation with my mom which I never would’ve had in years past. I’m finally getting back in touch with my life as a non-user. I’ve never been more excited to tackle the future.
Awesome. Glad to hear you had a good conversation with your mom.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 11 - actually had my first real noticeable urges today! My mind started bringing up names/images of some of my old favorite stars and videos. I would force my mind to run away from those thoughts and then remembered that porn doesn’t have power over me anymore. I’m not missing anything by not watching those girls. I let the thoughts come and go naturally, noticing them as quick, last-ditch efforts by the porn monster to come back. Not today my G, not ever. Another clean day.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 12 - another clean day as always now. Feeling great! I had a couple really cool realizations last night:
1) I’ve gone through practically every old trigger situation of mine with complete ease. While in the bathroom, while in traffic jams, getting back from a stressful day, coming back home, being alone late at night in bed, etc. These used to be the classic pitfalls of my past streaks. I always felt them coming around the corner and if I had a bad day, boom I would jump at the chance to feed the addiction. But now, I just say to myself “wow, crazy how this used to get me and now that’s all in the past.”

2) I also used to always give myself deadlines at this time of year. For example, my birthday is coming up and I used to always say “Once I’m 21, no more PMO for the rest of my life!” We all know how that turned out. Same with Christmas and New Years and beyond. But now I’m sitting here and realizing that I am actually going to reach all those milestones and be aligned with what I say. That’s an underrated emotion to follow through on the promises you make with yourself.

Life is really good right now gang. How are you all doing out there?
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 13 - Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope the whole squad just indulged in turkey and not PMO today! I had a super productive and socially-draining day with extended family so your boy is tired lol. No urges at all today. First time being away from my girl for a bit and definitely feeling the horniness but coming back together is going to be so sweet. Loving my life since moving on from PMO - will never want to go back!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 14 - all clear! Had a bit of a weird day for sure. I always run into these slumps when I’m back with family where I become so hyper aware of their small flaws as people and relate them back to myself. It makes me really anxious generally, and I think that was a big reason I’d always go back to porn when I’d go back to family. I still felt a bit out of it today - just feeling disconnected from everybody and comparing myself constantly. But guess what??? I’m doing wayyyy better with it than when I was PMO. I mean it, the realization that there’s genuinely nothing pleasurable about PMO has completely changed my life. There’s no way I could ever go back. Another day, another step away from that bullshit.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 15 - not gonna lie guys, I’ve been feeling the urges HARD in the past hour. I don’t know where they’re coming from to be entirely honest but DAMN. I started searching for a soccer video on YouTube but when I got on the search engine, my mind started racing with boobs, ass, whatever my mind could think to search. Obviously I didn’t do it but it was out of the blue. Then, 45 mins later, I’m on Instagram and clicked on this girls page and she was posting thotty pictures. I scrolled for a bit and felt my stomach get tight, which is a big feeling for me when I feel my brain start to think “ooooh, it’s time to relapse!” I quickly clicked off of Instagram and now I’m writing this out to you guys. I’m really not worried about a relapse because I know this is the last bit of withdrawals for my brain, coupled with the stress of the impending CRAZY week. I’ll be fine, maybe I’ll read through my old logs here or flick through my highlights in Easy Peasy.

Keep fighting everybody!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 15 - all clear here! Definitely had a few scares with the little monster in my brain trying to convince me that porn is super pleasurable. As I close my eyes, different “favorite” porn scenes flash through my memory, trying to lure me back into it. What’s messed up is that the more I push away these thoughts, the more I put them on a pedestal. By giving them any power in my brain, I may feel repressed by not letting myself look at them. But I’m really glad the other voice in me knows that the other voice is just conditioned to want that. It’s not actually pleasurable or wanted - it’s just all my brain knows. Going back to school and being with my girlfriend is going to be great because I’ve been horny as all fuck. The sex tomorrow (hopefully lol) is not a reward or a prize for being abstinent, but I can pat myself on the back knowing the sex is going to be so much better and romantic because I’ve escaped porn.
 

Takeoff

Member
I’ve been feeling the urges HARD in the past hour. I don’t know where they’re coming from to be entirely honest but DAMN
This will happen in all stages of the reboot, but the key is to learn just switching your thoughts to a totally different subject.
You need to learn this in order not to scroll such instagram pages the next time this happens. I know it's very tempting, but self-control gets on another level when you learn this.
I've read someone say when these thoughts showed up in their mind, they'd imagine a big red cross over them.
What’s messed up is that the more I push away these thoughts, the more I put them on a pedestal.
Yeah, I read about this on here pretty often. You must know it's not about pushing those thoughts away just focusing on NOT thinking, but rather about occupying your mind with different thoughts!

It's great that you have the possibility to rewire your brain with a real person too.
Good luck man.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 16.5 - crazy but just peeked and edged a little bit on IG. Not a good feeling! I want to reread EasyPeasy again and really drill into my brain that nothing about P is pleasurable. Just going to move forward and take it as a tiny bump in the road!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 16.5 - well lads. I relapsed. Plain as day. I felt it burning up over the past few days but today it was like I was on fire. One quick jaunt through my IG explore page started it and boom, fully looked at porn an hour later. It’s crazy how fast things can change mentally. I have to get back in touch with my EasyPeasy book. Fuck though, I’m super disappointed about this one. I thought it was the one to take me all the way
 

Filmguy30

Member
Damn guys. Disappointed in myself today for sure! My birthday is this upcoming Thursday and I was excited to ring it in with three weeks clean but that’s not the case today. I want to try and tell myself that it wasn’t a “full relapse” and doesn’t negate any of my progress but the reason I’m on this forum is for truth! It was a full relapse, I hunted for it, succumbed to the little monster in me and made him stronger.

But not all hope is lost lads. This was the longest streak I’ve had in a few years. That’s worthy of some commendation from myself. I just need to re-orient, re-read, and prepare for the next step back in the right direction. I’m coming back stronger this time. Here’s to killing this thing once and for all!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 3 - it's my birthday today! Been having an awesome day of sex and cuddling w my girl and have been completely clean from PMO. Had a very stressful shoot day yesterday but got through without any PMO. I even had strength to have sex with my girl afterwards.

Remembering how corrosive porn is and just how disgusting it is has made withdrawals a breeze. The goal is making this my last "streak".
 
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