Killing my Dirtiest Secret

Filmguy30

Member
Hey everyone. I’m Dan, 21, male, in my final year of college. I started the process of rebooting back in summer of 2017 when I watched a YouTube video about NoFap. I had never connected that all the porn I was watching left me feeling empty and was affecting my life and relationships. Since then, I’ve been an on-off fapstronaut with my longest streak being 45 days completely clean. I got back on the hype early last month because I’ve been dating a girl for 4 months and don’t want to keep this away from her and have it affect our life together. I had an amazing 10 day streak and I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed sex as much as during those 10 days. Then I relapsed and haven’t been able to have a streak longer than 3 days for the past two weeks. The other night I had a four-PMO binge and tried to have sex with my girl the following night but couldn’t get or stay hard. We ended up powering through but we both knew that it was a terrible experience. Now I’m starting this thread because I know I’m better than my relationship with porn and this forum will be evidence of that. To start, I want to talk about my journey because I’ve never actually written out the entire story about my relationship with porn. Here goes.

Early Years:
My first exposure to internet porn was when I was in second grade, around 9 years old. My mom gave me the hand-me-down family laptop so I could use it for writing and games. Instead, one night while I was under a blanket, I looked up boobs. It was a landslide from there. I remember sitting under that blanket with my family in the room for HOURS just clicking through pictures. I would look up so many different things on Google. Eventually, that graduated to me finding hardcore videos. I remember vividly finding Brazzers and thinking it was the most incredible site ever. One night when I had friends over for a sleepover, I showed them the discovery but they thought it was disgusting - that was fine though, more for me. So I became a full blown porn addict at a really early age. Eventually, my brother and cousin found my hundreds of searches and made fun of me all night. It’s still an inside joke today, but it’s actually tragic in hindsight.

Middle School:
Then I got to sixth grade and actually didn’t abuse porn as much. It wasn’t until a friend told me that porn is the best that I embarked on my porn searches again. When that happened, everything flooded back. I also knew how to M at that point but wasn’t developed enough to fully MO. I M’d for the whole year, finding all sorts of sites and outlets like Tumblr and 4chan. It’s crazy because I can actually pinpoint exactly when I felt porn starting to affect me. I was a really good student all throughout elementary school. I’ve always been quick to pick things up. That didn’t change when I got to sixth grade. I got straight A’s my first semester. It was around that time that I got into porn and would start watching it really late at night instead of doing HW. At the end of the year, my home room teacher called my mom into school to discuss my decline in grades. My mom had no idea I wasn’t doing HW. It was because I’d stay up to all hours of the night PM and wouldn’t do my work. This continued into high school.

High School:
Interestingly enough, porn didn’t really affect my sociability. I was lucky to always be popular and have a lot of friends. It was around the summer before 9th grade that my friends and I started having big parties and drinking. This meant girls would always be down to hook up too. Since I was popular, had lost a bunch of weight, and was seen as pretty attractive, I started hooking up with some girls at parties. Nothing too insane initially, just making out and fingering. Then when we started getting into them to touching my dick, something weird would happen - I wouldn’t be able to finish. At this point, I’d graduated to the full blown addict we know and hate: PMO 2-3 times a day, addicted to my phone, procrastination, stayed up all night. The girls would walk away disappointed, I would assure them that I just don’t like head, blah blah blah. I knew deep down that it was porn though. By the time the summer going into senior year rolled around, I was addicted to everything: I was a bad alcoholic (routinely blacking out on weekends), stoner, nicotine, chasing women, social media, and, of course, porn. Then I found out about NoFap. I tried it for a few days, realized how hard it was but wanted to keep going. Then I went away from home for five weeks to a precollege course and it was such formative experience. I was sober for the five weeks and decided to stay sober indefinitely (haven’t smoked or drank in 4.5 years). I was on a good streak and actually met a girl that I really liked. I ended up falling in love with her soon after, all while on a 15 day streak. I was on top of the world. Then I relapsed. But I knew I was on the right track. From there, I decided to change everything in my life. Did long distance with the girlfriend, cut out all my old party friends and made smart new ones, started killing school. I did that all in the first month of senior year. I was a difficult time but I got through it with love and my 30 day streak. Then I took a flight down to Atlanta to see my long distance girlfriend and we hooked up again…. But this time, I finished. It was the most intense, satisfying experience I had ever had with a girl. We looked at eachother with wonder in our eyes. I’d never felt anything like that, it was insane. When I got back home, I don’t know what happened but I eventually relapsed. This happened on and off for months and eventually I told my gf about it. She was supportive and loving but wanted me to stop. I couldn’t. I would tell her if she asked and would be really shut off from her. She started spiraling and would pray so hard for me to stop PMO but I just couldn’t do it. Then, after 8 months of dating, I broke up with her. It was because I didn’t know how to look at her anymore. Porn had killed our relationship. It was so sad but I was so emotionally stunted that I couldn’t even cry when it happened. From there, I couldn’t ever put a streak together that was longer than 10 days. The second half of my senior year wasn’t even close to as fun as the first half.

College:
university came around and it was an amazing time, probably because I wasn’t comfortable enough to PMO in my dorm room with two other roommates. I met so many people, was so open and excited. I solidified myself again as a nice, popular person but was more true to myself. I met another girl who I would eventually fall in love with. Then, once again, PMO would come into our relationship and ruin it. I would finish too quickly, think about porn while were doing it, would lie so I could sleep alone and PMO. Classic addict behavior. We eventually broke up. I decided to take the time over the past two years to work on myself and be a new man without a girl in my life. At one point, I went 45 days without PMO. It was actually pretty rough on me and I went through a pretty dark funk. I eventually relapsed the beginning of COVID. I fell off the NoFap train since then, not really putting too much thought into quitting. I became passive about it. I learned to control the urges a bit better, setting goals for myself based on upcoming events like, “oh I have this thing next week, so I won’t watch porn for week” and then I’d do the thing and reward myself with a binge. But, here’s why I’m back. I am back together with the girl from the beginning of college. I love her so much and she deserves someone that isn’t going to devote their life to porn. I recently went on a 10 day streak and swear to god I had the best sex of my life with her on the 10th day. A small gust of wind would get me hard. Then I relapsed as I said earlier and couldn’t get it up. The experience was night and day and opened my eyes to just how serious this problem is. I’m not letting porn kill another beautiful relationship.

That was my journey with porn. I can’t wait to kill the dirty secret that has robbed me of so much joy.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 1 - got to the end of the day really easily actually. No real urges. Had some troubled sex with my girl today. Couldn’t get it up initially but then got there eventually. Set up some screen limits on my iPhone but am avoiding blockers as that usually triggers my hunting for non-pornographic porn. Excited for Day 2!!


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Barely
Exercise - No
Sex - Yes
Sleep - 7hrs
Mood - overall really solid
 

Filmguy30

Member
Congrats on getting back on track, and for making all of those other improvements earlier in your life too. I can tell that you are someone who values love, so I am hoping for your success extra hard!
Thanks Richie! I appreciate the support. I saw that you’re going on Day 40 so massive congratulations to you! Rooting for you too!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 2 - Smooth sailing today. Wasn’t tempted at any point because I stayed active and stayed away from being alone. I need to keep in mind throughout this journey that when I feel lonely bored, and spiraling, I need to not be alone. That’s a recipe for destruction. From now on, if my roommates aren’t in the house, I’ll call a friend to hangout or just hop on FaceTime with someone. Nice takeaway from a pretty lethargic day.


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Barely
Exercise - Yes, ran two miles and lifted
Sex - No
Sleep - 6.5hrs
Mood - Lazy but pretty happy
 

msp0000

Member
Day 2 - Smooth sailing today. Wasn’t tempted at any point because I stayed active and stayed away from being alone. I need to keep in mind throughout this journey that when I feel lonely bored, and spiraling, I need to not be alone. That’s a recipe for destruction. From now on, if my roommates aren’t in the house, I’ll call a friend to hangout or just hop on FaceTime with someone. Nice takeaway from a pretty lethargic day.


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Barely
Exercise - Yes, ran two miles and lifted
Sex - No
Sleep - 6.5hrs
Mood - Lazy but pretty happy
Not being alone is huge! I have found myself staying fully occupied on the weekends by going to friend's houses or just going to the gym.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 3 - All clear baby. Monday is always my busiest day so really had no time to think about PMO (which is good!). I was saying this on another thread but a new fail safe of mine to push myself away from PMO when I have urges is to post on other people’s threads, giving motivation, advice. I find that when I’m most likely to fail, it is because I am so unbelievably wrapped up in my head; it’s that craving for a state change, to not feel so alone and spiraling. PMO is the selfish antidote to that. It’s so easy but I end up hurting everyone in my life because I shut them out. Instead, if I can take the high road, be selfless, and post on other people’s pages, trying to insure that they continue the fight, it will keep me going as well. That hasn’t been a feature of my past streaks so hoping that can be a big ticket!

Hope all of you got through the day unscathed! If you went another day without P, let me know in a reply or message. I’ll check in on you from now on!
 

msp0000

Member
Day 3 - All clear baby. Monday is always my busiest day so really had no time to think about PMO (which is good!). I was saying this on another thread but a new fail safe of mine to push myself away from PMO when I have urges is to post on other people’s threads, giving motivation, advice. I find that when I’m most likely to fail, it is because I am so unbelievably wrapped up in my head; it’s that craving for a state change, to not feel so alone and spiraling. PMO is the selfish antidote to that. It’s so easy but I end up hurting everyone in my life because I shut them out. Instead, if I can take the high road, be selfless, and post on other people’s pages, trying to insure that they continue the fight, it will keep me going as well. That hasn’t been a feature of my past streaks so hoping that can be a big ticket!

Hope all of you got through the day unscathed! If you went another day without P, let me know in a reply or message. I’ll check in on you from now on!
Hell yeah bro. We got this. Really like your strategy of replying to other people's posts as a replacement for PMO.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 4 - another good day baby. Didn’t have the crutch of constant preoccupation to distract me today but found myself pretty much free from any urges today.

Spent a good amount of time on here today, finding other community members and trying to lift them up. Thanks to those who have been replying above!

Also just started a new book that was recommended by a 100+ day success story. It’s been really interesting, despite being very exaggerative. Essentially calls porn the cause of all our struggles, despite us looking at it as the temporary cure to our struggles. I had never really thought about that: a bandaid, though helping momentarily, ripping the wound open way further. It’s been resonating. Planning on finishing it tonight!

Day 4 Stats:
Morning Wood - Meh, kinda
Exercise - Yes, ran a mile and lifted
Sex - No
Sleep - 7.5 hours
Mood - Slight stress but generally happy
 

msp0000

Member
Day 4 - another good day baby. Didn’t have the crutch of constant preoccupation to distract me today but found myself pretty much free from any urges today.

Spent a good amount of time on here today, finding other community members and trying to lift them up. Thanks to those who have been replying above!

Also just started a new book that was recommended by a 100+ day success story. It’s been really interesting, despite being very exaggerative. Essentially calls porn the cause of all our struggles, despite us looking at it as the temporary cure to our struggles. I had never really thought about that: a bandaid, though helping momentarily, ripping the wound open way further. It’s been resonating. Planning on finishing it tonight!

Day 4 Stats:
Morning Wood - Meh, kinda
Exercise - Yes, ran a mile and lifted
Sex - No
Sleep - 7.5 hours
Mood - Slight stress but generally happy
exercise + reboot is a great combo. almost replace PMO with exercise.
 

another1

Member
Day 4 - another good day baby. Didn’t have the crutch of constant preoccupation to distract me today but found myself pretty much free from any urges today.

Spent a good amount of time on here today, finding other community members and trying to lift them up. Thanks to those who have been replying above!

Also just started a new book that was recommended by a 100+ day success story. It’s been really interesting, despite being very exaggerative. Essentially calls porn the cause of all our struggles, despite us looking at it as the temporary cure to our struggles. I had never really thought about that: a bandaid, though helping momentarily, ripping the wound open way further. It’s been resonating. Planning on finishing it tonight!

Day 4 Stats:
Morning Wood - Meh, kinda
Exercise - Yes, ran a mile and lifted
Sex - No
Sleep - 7.5 hours
Mood - Slight stress but generally happy
you’re doing good work! the book sounds interesting - what’s it called?
 

Filmguy30

Member
you’re doing good work! the book sounds interesting - what’s it called?
It’s called EasyPeasy! It’s basically an adaptation of the same philosophy to quit smoking.

I’ve linked the PDF below if you wanted to check it out:

Keep in mind - it’s pretty tongue in cheek and claims “it’s the wonder solution” but really, it has given me some really great insights. I’m excited to hopefully finish it today if I have time.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 5 - another good day lads! Completed. Saw my first set of digital boobs in the new Wes Anderson movie. Wasn’t triggering honestly. I’m feeling comfortable right now. I’m actually really calm about upcoming withdrawals because I know what it feels like. All good here! How are you all doing?


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Better
Exercise - No, walked a bit and stayed out of bed all day though
Sex - No
Sleep - 7.5hrs
Mood - Went through stress but happy
 
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Filmguy30

Member
Day 5.5 - I had a dream that I relapsed. A bad one. It was a weird Hentai that was really realistic. At the end of the dream, I had MO’d and felt terrible - thinking “did I really just fucking do that?” And thank god, that’s when I woke up. I turned to my right and saw that I was still next to my beautiful girlfriend without having finished. This is a good sign that my brain is adjusting, trying to work out the porn kinks in there as it adapts to life without it.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 6 - It was a gooood day boys! In the wise words of DJ Khaled, “Another one.” Oof.

Felt really solid today! Reading a lot more of this EasyPeasy book and it’s really showed me that I’m just giving so much power to Porn and relapsing days before I even log on.
But I’m done with that life. It’s so far behind me, it’s absurd. And I really mean that. It’s crazy because all it took was one idea to change my entire mindset towards porn: porn is the cause, not the cure. The withdrawal I feel is from PORN, not because my life sucks, not because I’m too far gone, but because my brain just wants porn. Everyday you move away from porn, the easier it gets. And it’s not hard right now!

I’ve felt confident in the past but I don’t know, this doesn’t feel like a streak - it feels like a change.


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Kind of.
Exercise - Yes, ran two miles and lifted
Sex - Nope
Sleep - 8hrs
Libido - High
Mood - Really positive!
 

msp0000

Member
Day 6 - It was a gooood day boys! In the wise words of DJ Khaled, “Another one.” Oof.

Felt really solid today! Reading a lot more of this EasyPeasy book and it’s really showed me that I’m just giving so much power to Porn and relapsing days before I even log on.
But I’m done with that life. It’s so far behind me, it’s absurd. And I really mean that. It’s crazy because all it took was one idea to change my entire mindset towards porn: porn is the cause, not the cure. The withdrawal I feel is from PORN, not because my life sucks, not because I’m too far gone, but because my brain just wants porn. Everyday you move away from porn, the easier it gets. And it’s not hard right now!

I’ve felt confident in the past but I don’t know, this doesn’t feel like a streak - it feels like a change.


Day Stats:
Morning Wood - Kind of.
Exercise - Yes, ran two miles and lifted
Sex - Nope
Sleep - 8hrs
Libido - High
Mood - Really positive!
love to hear this man!
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 7 - all clear and realizing this isn’t just a streak anymore; I’ve fully escaped porn. I’ve glorified the difficulty of “quitting PMO” for years now but really it’s just identifying withdrawals… which aren’t bad at all in the first place. I’ve had a really stressful yet lethargic day and even still never thought once about porn. It doesn’t feel like a cure anymore since I’ve recognized it as the cause. It kind of feels childish in hindsight that I gave the addiction so much power of me. But I feel great.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Day 8 - same message as above^^ this really is a different kind of feeling. I had one of the busiest, stressful couple days in recent memory - emotions all over the place lol - but not once did I think about PMO. It’s funny. One of my old triggers was porn during traffic jams (a little fucked, I know). I’ve been doing hours and hours of stressful driving in traffic jams over the past couple of days. Whenever a moment happens that I would’ve previously tossed on some P, I just say out loud “it’s so crazy that I used to think porn was the answer.”

the single idea that porn wasn’t ever an antidote, or even a simple pleasure, for stress has changed the game for me. I used to think of it like nicotine where it would “relax” me or just give me relief in some way. But it’s crazy because now I look back and laugh at that! I never derived pleasure from it, at all. Seeing that clearly now that porn was just causing all these issues rather than curing them, I wholeheartedly believe I’ll never go back.

How are you all doing? Let me know!
 

msp0000

Member
Day 8 - same message as above^^ this really is a different kind of feeling. I had one of the busiest, stressful couple days in recent memory - emotions all over the place lol - but not once did I think about PMO. It’s funny. One of my old triggers was porn during traffic jams (a little fucked, I know). I’ve been doing hours and hours of stressful driving in traffic jams over the past couple of days. Whenever a moment happens that I would’ve previously tossed on some P, I just say out loud “it’s so crazy that I used to think porn was the answer.”

the single idea that porn wasn’t ever an antidote, or even a simple pleasure, for stress has changed the game for me. I used to think of it like nicotine where it would “relax” me or just give me relief in some way. But it’s crazy because now I look back and laugh at that! I never derived pleasure from it, at all. Seeing that clearly now that porn was just causing all these issues rather than curing them, I wholeheartedly believe I’ll never go back.

How are you all doing? Let me know!
Relate so much to what you said about PMO never really being the cure. Crazy how much better my life has been since i stopped.
 
It’s called EasyPeasy! It’s basically an adaptation of the same philosophy to quit smoking.

I’ve linked the PDF below if you wanted to check it out:

Keep in mind - it’s pretty tongue in cheek and claims “it’s the wonder solution” but really, it has given me some really great insights. I’m excited to hopefully finish it today if I have time.
Thank you for posted the link to this PDF!
 
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