The Porn Takeoff

[Takeoff]

Welcome to my journal.

First off, a warning - the text below may include what some people would find triggering.

Now, let me start from the beginning;
when I was between 7 and 8 I had first discovered porn.
I remember that at first I would just look up some pictures of naked women, I don't think I realized there's videos too... Fortunately.

Since I was about 8 some situations in my life formed anxiety problems, social anxiety and a few years later depression started kicking in, this was in no way caused by porn though. (I have multiple diagnosis BTW)
I have also been molested at 9.

By the time I was 12 I formed a habit, which I'm sure many of you are familiar with.
Going back from school after a hard day, feeling drained? PMO.
Just because I feel like it? PMO.
Going to sleep? PMO.
Just got up? PMO.

PMO really just became my sexuality at that point.

And it went like this, year after a year.
In 2019 I had my first girlfriend, but it didn't last long.
In 2020 I got into my first more serious relationship as it lasted a year and a half. I remember that back in November 2020 we tried to have sex, but damn man, that was just so awful.
I couldn't get it hard enough for penetration for more than 3 minutes because my penis was so desensitized that I had felt no pleasure. We tried oral, 0 pleasure. We tried multiple times but it was always the same. So I gave up and I'd just satisfy her in another way. I didn't really know why it was like that, I thought maybe it was because I felt like shit almost everyday?
Some time later I had moved to another country and we were separated. Of course I wouldn't throw away porn at that moment. We broke up in June because she was acting like crazy when we were separated.
But before that, back in February this year I somehow started realizing that damn, I think I know the source of my problem. How? Because when I did stimulants (yes I've been doing drugs since 2019) what I would do PMO for hours, for the whole damn night.
I'd take more just to keep going. And that also got me in stronger stuff. (at least it wasn't anything really deviant or extremely weird)

So in February I tried limiting PMO as much as I could, but allowed MO. For a month it was going like 3 days clean, 1 day with PMO, 3 days clean, 2 days with PMO & repeat.
But in March I managed to keep a 30 day streak!
Then I relapsed, then started limiting it as much again.
At that point my goal wasn't totally erasing it from my life, also I haven't heard about anything like the Reboot Nation or YBOP.
I managed to limit it to between once a week and two weeks.
I kept MO all the time.
Then in June I moved again and with that came a major relapse, I went straight back to my old habits.
And I think some of you might be familiar with that thought process "well, I did it once, I'll start no PMO again tomorrow so I can let myself do it like one more time today..." - well, I don't think it ever ended at "that one last time".
For a month I just kept going like this because of anything my mind would come up with.
"I won't be in a relationship for some time now anyways, so it doesn't matter, I'll start recovering when I get into one",
"Better this than doing ((other)) drugs!" etc.


September came and I renewed contact with one girl I was really close with, so I decided it's time to get a grip.
I've started doing research on the subject and found very useful and helpful sources and people.
I've been completely clean since 13th of September, which makes it 62 days.
Not only got rid of PMO, but also MO and changed my diet to better (no junk food). So basically I'm on semen retention now.
I haven't had night pollutions too.
Sometimes my libido reaches the Himalayas and I feel like crazy, sometimes I don't really care. I've had flatlines before this streak during the shorter ones, but this time there wasn't really a time when I had absolutely no libido.
First thing noticeable, the eyes. They used to look really empty, now my look is a lot different and my eyes seem to be glassy I'd say.
But I feel dead most of the time anyways as I have unipolar depression. I also limited my drug use. Got way more reasonable. I don't care about the bad stuff that happens as much as I used to.

I've had a hard time a few days ago, I had a dream involving PMO, a PMO relapse and just scrolling down the sites. It was very realistic. After that I constantly kept thinking about what I liked the most and damn it's really tough, no matter what I did it kept coming back to my head for a couple days.
But I don't take into consideration any possibilities of relapsing, I have to stay strong. When I see some degenerate pictures by accident I'm just disgusted, not aroused.
So it it what it is. Day 62. Even though I'm not with the girl I started this streak for anymore, I want to do it for myself.


So many years of addiction history. The thing that makes me mad is that had nobody told me this could be addictive and lead to any consequences at all. I believed it would be sex-positive and it later made me unable to have an intercourse at 16!


By the way, I know some guys say that at the time of their full-blown addiction they wouldn't even find the desire to be close to their partner by just cuddling, kissing.
Fortunately, I never experienced that, I've always been a romantic guy too.
And if I wanted to be with some girl, I wouldn't face any problems in 90% of cases. Even during constant porn use.
Also, I could always do with just MO, so my PIED wasn't as severe as others'.

 

[Takeoff]

if you notice any of your peers struggling with these things please help them especially since they are likely in the dark.

That's something I'm trying to do all the time, I want to help people who struggle with this.
I know that a lot of my close friends surely developed the same habit of watching porn, sadly, it was considered a normal thing in school.
Thank you for the response.

I am now not only on day 63 of no-PMO, but I've also been drug-free for the past 10 days. I'm glad that it got easier now, since it was really hard to stay away from them in the early stage of rebooting.
2 days ago I went hiking and I can tell that longer lasting physical activities definitely help to stay away from any drugs, also including porn.

 

[Filmguy30]

Congrats on being drug-free brother. The further I’ve gotten into sobriety, the more time I’ve had to find out what I really love doing, who I love, and what my future looks like. It’s crazy how much impact a vice can have on making you not critically think lol. Congrats on the streak and the steps towards a better life.

 

[Takeoff]

Thank you. I sometimes don't know if some of the stuff in my head comes from the real me or if it's caused by drug use.
What I know though is that my brain is surely corrupted by porn.

I was always only into girls, until my porn addiction remained at its peak for some time. It led me to the point when I considered myself pansexual, but in reality I was interested in (only) sexual activities with someone who isn't female, I would not be able to fall in love with them or feel any deeper emotional connection.
Some part of this still remains in my head and I really, really wish it would not. This manifests itself whenever I have sexual dreams. What can I do? Will this ever get better? I don't think anyone knows the answer for this.
And actually, there was 1 time I was involved in a sexual activity with a man - that was when I was molested as a child (8 or 9yo). I think this event really disturbed my sexual development.

Day 66
I've had a sexual dream again today, but after waking up I did not feel any cravings for sexual activity without the involvement of another person unlike the last two times when I had this type of a dream. By the way I do not fantasize before going to sleep or fantasize at all, when some stuff comes to my head I simply try to kill it.
Also I don't think I mentioned this, but I never stopped getting morning wood for more than a few days, and for the last half of the year (since I started limiting and then quitting PMO) I get it everyday. Some time after I started this streak it became much stronger and long lasting though.

After such a streak I definitely appreciate more things than I used to. My mood is definitely more stable now, which doesn't mean it's good though.

 

[Takeoff]

So today is day 70 (I have actually missed out 1 day when counting before, oh well) and I'd say I'm doing good. I have found some notes I wrote down last year and it's already been a whole year since I first tried to throw the PMO habit into the trashcan.
One thing that I'd like to really get better is that some part of me sometimes makes me look at women I see at the street, in the public transport etc. in a very sexual manner. Well, I hope it's going to get better with that too. It only happens sometimes though.

 

[Takeoff]

74 days in.
Judging by what I read on the forum, I think that many people who try to leave this addiction behind do not realize that it's not just about leaving porn, and rather about making big changes in life. Fortunately, I do realize that, but it took me several months to get it fully stuck inside my brain.

My mindset has been changing gradually since I first noticed my problem, that was a year ago.
So I'm about to start changing something for real now.
I'm going to the gym first time ever next week and btw I've been holding to an exercise routine for like 2 months now and my relative recently told me that my physical appearance already noticeably changed:] (for the better). I don't think that would be achievable for the old me. Plus I found an opportunity to learn dancing for free. I just have to make a call to get more information.
Also, I've been considering signing up for fortepiano lessons.
Again, I just have to make a call. I'll try to do it today.
The energy saved by abstaining from PMO has to be transformed into something.

And another thing I would like to change is to cut off from all social media. Blocker apps don't help for more than a couple days.
I have all social media apps uninstalled on my phone but I access them using the browser instead, which already makes me use them way less than I would if I had the apps. I'm talking about Instagram, Facebook and I also check Snapchat pretty often. It's not that I look for anything (also there's absolutely 0 sexual content in what I see on social media, just FYI), but I just sometimes catch myself looking at the same thing 20 times a day.
I think the solution is to get really busy, but that's kind of hard to achieve.

 

[Takeoff]

Day 75
If there was something that makes abstaining from thinking about porn difficult for me, that'd be the dreams I have pretty often. Dreams about relapsing, browsing porn sites.
It is the only thing that makes porn show up in my thoughts. Most of the time, it happens once, sometimes twice in a week. Happened today too. It wasn't like this in the first few weeks of the reboot though. Sadly, I don't think there's anything I can do about this.

 

[Takeoff]

Day 77
I don't have any problems abstaining from PMO, but I'm having a really hard time staying away from 'conventional' drugs. I don't know why it's like this.

 

[Takeoff]

Day 93 of no PMO
Day 0 of semen retention

I'll start with an update to what I wrote about the dreams before, I haven't had a single purely sexual dream since I wrote that post (day 75).

& about today:
Fuuuck...
What's happened is my libido has been skyrocketing for the last couple of days, and I do not keep in touch with any women right now besides one friend, I am not down for casual sex, using tinder etc. because as I see it, that's a tool for degenerates. And yes, I consider myself someone who's been a degenerate too because of my old habits;]

I MO'd. No pictures, no videos, and what I consider the most important I did not fantasize about porn stuff AT ALL, I just realized it now, not a single thought about it went through my mind.
I hope this wont't make me feel worse than I do. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I really wanted to make it to a hundred days. And I will.
Also, this didn't happen on a bad day. In fact, today was the best day in a long time. It was just the urge. I also see a good side of this, namely I had some crazy thoughts (all about real life stuff) in the past few days because of the insanely high libido and I think I'll be more calm now.

 

[Takeoff]

Day 120 of no PMO

I managed to limit drugs a lot.
Between days 30 and 100, I did them almost everyday. Or every other day.
I'm better now, but it's really hard for me to get on hardmode again. It was easier to do when I was so overstimulated and wasted.
Sometimes porn fantasy comes to my mind, very randomly. But when I masturbate I never think of porn, it just never comes to my mind.
I think that's a good sign.
I uninstalled Snapchat and every other social media app from my phone, cut off Facebook completely.

 

[Takeoff]

It's really bad. It's day 121 and since yesterday I've been experiencing a big temptation to watch P.

I'm trying so hard to focus on something else. Switching games to keep the interest in playing alive, reading a book; Just poured ice cold water on my head to get real.
I'm atching some videos about relapsing just to remind myself why should I not do it.
I would even rather do something else (I mean another drug) to keep my streak going but at this point I know doing this would only increase the likelihood of relapsing.

I'm really trying to do anything, but my brain still wants that dopamine hit and the craving is there.

I don't know what to do, the temptation has never been this high during this streak.
Everything that's worked before doesn't seem to change anything in this case.
It feels like no matter what I do, *these* thoughts are always in front of my mind and anything else I do and think about just stays behind them.
I really don't want this, I feel like I'm about to cry.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know exactly what you mean, man. I am in a similar situation myself today, of course I don't have 121 days no porn like you but the urges are strong nevertheless. I know that feeling of wanting to scream or cry because it's so annoying, the craving for the pleasure is so annoying and unfair. Don't try to use other drugs or alcohol, these are known to cause relapse, I guess because they make you not care anymore and maybe also because they work the dopamine too, I don't know. People say doing some exercise might help, to spend some of that energy because what I've noticed is that those urges are a form of accumulated energy and I've conditioned myself to eliminate this energy through edging to porn and PMO. When I do something physical, it gets better, like push-ups. Actually, that's what I should do today if strong urges persist.

 

[Takeoff]

Thank you for your understanding @Escapeandnevercomeback

I relapsed after going 121 days without PMO.
This is probably the longest I've gone since I was 11.

I tried. I watched videos about the negatives of PMO and porn in general to remind myself why I really really shouldn't do it, I watched a lot of them today, but in the end they didn't change anything. Because I already know this stuff. I did some exercise, I played with a friend for a few hours...
Today I felt exactly like a crackhead and I've seen some mad drug addicts.
They might know everything about why they shouldn't do it, a part of them doesn't want to do it, but in the end they try to find any way possible to get high.

When I watched P I was buzzing, like, really; I felt a shudder.
After I've done it, I feel sleepy, I feel a bit of a brainfog. I started feeling this IMMEDIATELY after O'ing.
Now, the goal is not to relapse in the full meaning of that word (going back to the old way of being - that'd be doing this like 3 times a day, edging) and for this relapse to play a role in my recovery.
I really don't want to experience what I described above.

Here we go again...

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I know exactly how it feels, man, I've been through this. I've never reached 121 days without porn but last year during the summer I achieved 50 days, my record, and that was a big deal because I'd never thought it would be possible, but then I experienced exactly what you just describe: Nothing managed to convince me back into not agreeing with the addicted brain to go for the pleasure. All I saw was the pleasure and porn images in my head. I know how this stupid thing goes. In the end, you realize that it was not such a big deal as the brain made it feel before starting. You get massive urges, you start thinking that the session is going to be amazing, then you go through it, you feel drained and... It's gone. I think what helped me this last couple of days to stay on track was this very thought: After some minutes of euphoria, the pleasure is gone and then what? Then nothing. It's gone and it leaves me depressed and empty. Of course, try not to binge or go days in a row watching porn/edging/PMOing whatever. The damage done actually matters here, even though the addicted brain tells you you've relapsed anyway, what's the big deal? The chaser effect can be a bitch, I know.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Today I felt exactly like a crackhead and I've seen some mad drug addicts.
They might know everything about why they shouldn't do it, a part of them doesn't want to do it, but in the end they try to find any way possible to get high.

That's because of the hypofrontality. The prefrontal cortex chooses the pleasure instead of the long term goal and the consequences of staying an addict. It fuckin sucks. I guess the addiction works something like this: I get you dependent on this drug and then I make sure you have a very hard time choosing between the drug and your life. I think the pleasure is the immediate thing we see before we do it, I don't know, that's how I see it. I'm talking about what goes on in my head, in my mind. I know that I use porn for self-medication and comfort but in that moment, when the craving is massive and the urges are unbearable, I see the pleasure first. I'm talking about porn here, not other drugs, by the way.

 

[Phineas 808]

I'm trying so hard to focus on something else. Switching games to keep the interest in playing alive, reading a book; Just poured ice cold water on my head to get real.
I'm atching some videos about relapsing just to remind myself why should I not do it.

That's commitment! Your efforts are very commendable, Takeoff! I've been following your journal, your story with inspiration!

I know you lapsed, brother. But not all your progress is lost, it may take a couple of weeks to regain what was lost here. But as Escape said, just don't binge, and you'll be back on track.

Lapses are a part of (for most) our recovery efforts. Just don't buy into the lie that all progress is lost, or that you're starting over from 0, or whatever. Your count may restart, but your efforts over the last 4 months are definitely on your side.

In the future during a lengthy streak, and you're assailed by all these urges, instead of reacting to them (fighting them, cold showers, etc), try just taking a few deep breaths, step back and without being critical with yourself, just quietly observe yourself (like you were watching yourself on T.V.), until the urges pass. Rinse-and-repeat.

Good going on 121!

 

[Takeoff]

The prefrontal cortex chooses the pleasure instead of the long term goal

I think that's the case with 99% of the people living in the industrial society nowadays
I know how addictions work very well, I've seen many addicts, plus my main interests are neurobiology and psychiatry.
BTW. A lot of people that don't abuse 'conventional' drugs but sit on social media all day long seem to be on average much more braindead than regular drug addicts.

don't buy into the lie that all progress is lost, or that you're starting over from 0

Luckily, I know about it - otherwise, I would be binging right now thinking that since it's day 0 I can 'make use of it'.
It happened to me last year, back when my longest streak wasn't even 30 days.
This streak started and lasted because I started dating a girl (unfortunately it didn't work out - so I didn't have anyone to rewire with later on), and that motivated me to take care of it for the future - I have already experienced ED and desensitization back in 2020. I was unable to penetrate most of the time and if I was able to, I'd barely feel anything. It was horrible. And at that time I was 16.
When I was about 90 days into this streak, it became clear that the desensitization went away for the most part. (not that I checked on purpose, I haven't.)

Honestly, it started going down the hill (very slowly at first) after I MO'd which I wrote a post about as well.
I was unable to stay on hardmode after that, and hardmode definitely works best.

Thank you guys.

 

[Takeoff]

Day 3 just began as its 2am
I'm doing ok, day 1 was the worst, day 2 was already better. First days are always the worst for me.
I was digging through my older posts and noticed this:

My way of thinking started to change for real between day 40 and day 50

I'm on my way to that again
// on day 2 I was thinking about opiates and I still am. been clean since 29th of December

 

[Takeoff]

yeah, fuck me
it's the end of day 4. just 1 hour ago I was feeling really good and thought to myself that I no longer feel any misery after the relapse, that I'm doing really good now and it's gonna be easier and easier now and then...
a friend sent me some twitter post & i scrolled a bit since I was on twitter already, and ofc there had to be pornography. i quickly switched apps, but it triggered me, the rush was already in my head & I ended up scrolling a bit through some shit on twitter.

But nothing more. I had a great day and was about to go to sleep, until this happened.
I just had to get on my PC to write this to you guys.
At least the idea of PMO only came to my mind and stayed for like 3 seconds until I realized wtf I was doing.
Makes me feel like I deserve to be punished

twitter is the no1 social media to be avoided during the reboot for me

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

yeah, fuck me
it's the end of day 4. just 1 hour ago I was feeling really good and thought to myself that I no longer feel any misery after the relapse, that I'm doing really good now and it's gonna be easier and easier now and then...
a friend sent me some twitter post & i scrolled a bit since I was on twitter already, and ofc there had to be pornography. i quickly switched apps, but it triggered me, the rush was already in my head & I ended up scrolling a bit through some shit on twitter.

But nothing more. I had a great day and was about to go to sleep, until this happened.
I just had to get on my PC to write this to you guys.
At least the idea of PMO only came to my mind and stayed for like 3 seconds until I realized wtf I was doing.
Makes me feel like I deserve to be punished

twitter is the no1 social media to be avoided during the reboot for me

That's right, man, ditch the fuckin social media, it's softcore porn in disguise. Twitter is even worse, there is some shit there, I can't believe it. I remember when I used to go there in the past to look at pictures and GIFs.