Don't listen to the addicted brain.
How I wish I was strong enough right now not to...
Despite it being 3 am for me, I just got up. And tomorrow I start over with the drug detox...
I will elaborate.
I couldn't fall asleep after what I described before happened. I've tried.
A few minutes ago this shit came to my head and it was so tempting I peeked at it again. It came very randomly.
So I got up, took opiates.
I know how stupid this is. Yet, that's the way I've been dealing with failures and almost everything else for the past 2 years already. 18 days is a long time sober looking at the last 6 month period when I was high I'd say 60 to 70% of the time.
It's hard to unlearn it.
How did I feel seeing pornography?
Like shit. Honestly. I stared and was wondering what the fuck am I doing and why am I at this point again.
How do I feel now?
Like a loser, like a zombie, most importantly — like an addict. Funny thing is, most people I keep in touch with would not even try to believe me if I told them I was a porn addict, they would think I was making some weird kind of a joke.
What makes me feel this way is only the porn, fuck the opiates. It's not my main problem.
And of course — there is still that part of me saying 'you've just failed your detox, you've peeked at pornography, PMO won't change much but it will make you feel good & tomorrow you start over...' and yeah.. it would make me feel good as hell... for 5 minutes, and then I would feel like a braindead failure for god knows how long. And also I would feed that demon more and be more likely to go and binge...
What am I gonna do now?:
I'm gonna try to find some domain-blocking software so I can block twitter and all the other stuff that I can get access to P through for my IP Address, if I don't find anything I'll do it through my ISP.
On my way to go through this already shitty day 5, and hopefully have a better tomorrow.
I'm thinking if I should restart the counter, there was no M or O but still... I will see in the end of this day.
Last time seeing P I didn't even feel aroused.
PS. because of all this shit it's already harder for me to form thoughts, when I write I sometimes have to think about what word to use for a few seconds etc.. While this might seem like a normal thing, it wouldn't happen in the last 60 days of my last streak. I am the one to blame and I know.
PPS. Even though what happened has happened, I haven't touched myself at all. Could've been worse...
PPPS. Compared to first days of the 121 day streak, this one's been going bad so far. But from my POV it's because I now don't have anyone close to me (talking about a woman) unlike the last time.