Dude Reboot

[Dudewithaproblem]

Hi everyone. I'm 34 and I've been trying to reboot for almost 2 years, but this is my first journal.

I've been mostly off porn the past 2 years and it has helped get my erections back a bit.

However, I still use mild porn every 1-2 weeks, masturbate a few times per week, and occasionally go back to watching something more extreme. I think all this is stunting my recovery.

I never seriously tried to stop masturbating, because I see it as healthy. However, I still struggle to stay hard in partnered situations, and I wonder if cutting out masturbation will help.

So I am quitting porn and masturbation completely to see what happens.

I just started a new reboot. This is the 3rd day.

A bit about my history with this stuff:

I started watching porn in my late teens. I was a virgin until 23, so had a few years of porn before I was with a woman for real.

I also had a Christian upbringing, but am now an atheist. I believe Christianity's negative attitudes towards sex contributed to my sexual frustrations in the first place. It has been a long journey trying to build a healthy sexuality from there. My father also didn't let me date, so I was very late to the party. I only lost my virginity when I was finally able to move out on my own.

My first time having sex, I didn't climax and was able to go for a very long time, which made me think I was a stud. Little did I know it was actually a sign of dysfunction!

I had delayed ejaculation all through my 20s, without realising what it was. I just knew it took me a long time to orgasm during sex and often I would just get tired and stop. My symptoms gradually got worse and around age 30 I realised I had progressed to erectile dysfunction.

I spoke to a doctor, and he gave me Cialis. It helped but I didn't like walking around with flushed red skin for several days every time I took it.

I started to get tiny veins appearing on my nose and ears, and assumed it was the Cialis causing it, so I asked to switch to Viagra. I still got red skin but at least it only lasted a few hours instead of days.

Both these drugs worked sometimes, but sometimes I could be turning red from all the ED drugs in my system and still not get hard. I had also already mostly quit porn, so I went to a doctor again to see if I had low T or something.

I had a bunch of medical tests done, but no physiological cause for ED was found. The doctor concluded the problem must be psychological.

I started seeing a sexual psychotherapist, and she immediately assumed it was performance anxiety. But I knew myself well enough to know that although I now often felt anxiety around sex, the anxiety wasn't the cause of my ED. Before I developed ED, I had sex plenty of times and didn't feel anxious, or could perform even when feeling anxious. Now I was consistently struggling to stay hard, and it was causing anxiety. The anxiety wasn't causing the ED, it was caused by the ED.

After several months of psychotherapy with minimal improvement, I have now decided to try rebooting again.

I'm starting again because I want to try a bit harder than I have been and see where that takes me.

I think what I need to do is just cut out porn and masturbation completely, and only orgasm in partnered situations, so my brain learns to better recognise that sex is with a partner, not by myself. I can still get high quality erections if I use porn, so I know this is possible for me. I know I just need to rewire my brain to respond to real women instead of fake women on a screen.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, and good luck with your reboot!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 4 - Strong
Going to the coast for a few days with my girl. It's forecast to be raining mostly but that's fine by me. I love rainy days!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 5 - still going
I'm at the coast. It is raining. The weather is cooler than it should be this time of year. All is well...Not much temptation for P/M because my gf is here with me 24/7. So it's pretty easy to stay strong.

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 6 - almost 1 week!
I can already feel my arousal response getting stronger. Unfortunately that means more temptation to use P, but I'm just going to have to stay above it, because I want to see the rewards that will only come from stacking up significant time without it.

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

I'm aiming for a classic 90 day reboot, and for me, at the stage I'm at, that means no porn or masturbation, and orgasm only with a partner, to train myself to respond better in partnered situations.

I feel solo sex with porn is usually more arousing and enjoyable for me than partnered sex. With a partner I struggle to stay hard and I feel more awkward. With porn I have no such issues and get excited at the thought.

I don't typically fantasize about real women much. I'm hoping that changes as time goes by without porn. I want to be able to think of something sexy and get hard without touching.

I also struggle with general motivation. I procrastinate a lot, my room is untidy, I sometimes neglect self-care activities unless I need to get ready to go see someone, I'm usually late or just in the nick of time.

I've read porn use can contribute to poor executive function, lack of concentration, and lack of motivation. So I hope totally cutting out porn will cause these symptoms to resolve on their own.

I also want to briefly describe my symptoms with regard to sexual functioning.

Erections: weak with partners and solo fantasy, strong with porn. When I'm with a partner, I often don't get hard until I'm actually inside her, and even then it's fairly weak, and goes away when I stop thrusting. For some reason, I often struggle with the woman on top in cowgirl position, even though I like that position in theory. It's confusing and frustrating.

Ejaculation: always weak, even with P. It doesn't spurt out like it probably should. Just trickles, and only a few drops worth. We'll see if that improves.

Morning wood: I usually don't get MW, and when I do, it's weak.

Nocturnal emissions: this has only happened twice in my whole life. Not sure how common this is or if it's odd not to get it.

Delayed ejaculation: when I can stay hard enough to have sex, it takes me a long time to orgasm and I have to be in control of the movement so I can get there. I almost never climax from oral. I have to be consciously trying to climax and thinking of P helps.

Refractory period: it takes quite a long time for me to bounce back. A couple of hours at least.

That's it for this post. I just wanted to take down a snapshot of what things are like for me currently, so I can see if things change as my reboot progresses.

 

[guiganvoger]

I have definitely experienced some of the same delayed ejaculation problems you are talking about. Cutting out porn helps but what really helps the most for my sexual drive with my wife is cutting out masturbation too. I begin to experience greater sensation and a mental power over my sexuality that doesn't need any mental porn images to get aroused. Stay the course and you will truly see the benefits! Good luck, Dude!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

I have definitely experienced some of the same delayed ejaculation problems you are talking about. Cutting out porn helps but what really helps the most for my sexual drive with my wife is cutting out masturbation too. I begin to experience greater sensation and a mental power over my sexuality that doesn't need any mental porn images to get aroused. Stay the course and you will truly see the benefits! Good luck, Dude!

Thanks so much for the encouragement, guiganvoger!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 7 - I made it to a whole week!

I had some good sex today, there is already some sign of improvements happening!

I think this fast initial improvement might simply be the result of not masturbating (i.e. semen retention), so I still have enough in the tank to be with my partner.

I can also feel a slight rush down below when I have an erotic thought, where before there was nothing. This is an encouraging sign.

I was happy to wake up to some interaction on my journal this morning. Thanks guys! It is super encouraging, even just one or two people liking or commenting is a huge boost.

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 8 - persistent morning wood.

I have noticed morning wood getting stronger for the past several days, and today it was high quality and stayed for quite a while, even though I was sleeping alone.

In other news, I have been slacking off with my diet. I'm trying to shave off a few kg to have ripped abs. I've been dieting most of this year and lost 8kg at one point, then put 5 back on, although my body composition was better by that point. I had more muscle and less fat, and looked totally different even though my weight was almost the same as when I started.

I think a similar principle is at work when people go on a long nofap streak and then "relapse".

Exactly like if you went from 80kg to 70kg over several months and then gained 1kg to be 71kg, you still lost 9kg overall and can keep progressing from there. You don't go back to being 80kg and unfit just because you ate a candy bar.

When I first used the word "relapse" in front of my therapist, she said it was an interesting word choice. I never thought anything of using that word, because it's so common in the nofap/reboot community. But she found it strange to refer to my very occasional porn use as a series of streaks and relapses. It might be more constructive to view it as a continuous period of around 2 years in which I have shown incredible dedication to greatly reducing my porn usage, and experienced some clear benefits as a result. Reducing it further would likely bring greater results, but in no way have I failed.

I could describe it in terms of a 30 day streak here and a 20 day streak there, but now I just see it as an ongoing journey of simply reducing porn consumption and observing the results.

It doesn't mean I failed if I watch porn for 5 minutes after several weeks of abstinence. That's actually a giant win. And viewing it that way means I can just keep going.

If I need to reset a counter from like 46 days back to zero, it feels like, "Well, I failed, so I may as well use porn like crazy until I feel ready to start quitting again!" And then I end up doing more harm than good.

Even if the day counter resets to zero, my progress doesn't. I have already quit.

Anyway, now I'm dieting back down a little before I go into a maintenance phase over the holidays. I don't want to be the weird fitness junkie saying no to all the delicious things over the festive season! If I can maintain my weight and maybe get a little stronger, for the next 5 weeks, I'll be very impressed with myself!

Then in January I'll switch to fat loss again for a while to get more shredded.

I just realised how different this is to making a new year's resolution, which I have also done in the past, and which also ultimately didn't work.

I started this fitness journey in April. Not January 1st. It was some random day in April. I just hit a point when I was fed up with my appearance and poor health, and committed to doing whatever I had to do to change it.

I need to point out that my motivation has fluctuated since then, but I haven't stopped. Even when I had a 3 week lay off from the gym and dieting, and put back on 5 of the 8kg I spent months losing. I just got back in the gym and kept going, because surrendering to a life of poor health and low body confidence simply is not an option.

Every time I've made a new year's resolution or set a start date, there's been a pattern to it.

In the lead up to the start date, I've deliberately made the situation worse. Being lazy and eating all the junk I could find, because I felt increasingly anxious as the start date approached. Last chance to be a slob and eat tasty food.

Then, when the day arrived, I would try to switch from living a life of luxury to suddenly being a complete hard-ass with iron will.

Then, slowly but surely, motivation would taper off and after just a few weeks I would end up missing several days of training or diet, vowing to get back on the bandwagon when I'm less busy or the situation is better. And then I would eventually be forced to admit that I had failed. And I would comfort myself by saying that at some point in the future I would try again. Next month, next year, it'll be different. But it never was.

Even when I did stay consistent for 12 weeks and got insane results, the fact that it was a 12 week transformation from the beginning meant that once the 12 weeks were over, I went right back to my old habits and eventually spiralled into worse shape than ever.

This time has been so different to every other time. On that random day in April I started training with a coach, mainly for extra accountability.

We started small, and the first week was a bit disorganised as we figured out how to track progress, take consistent pics, how to use the workout app, etc.

My step target and nutrition goals were also quite modest and easy to achieve. The point was to get used to the routine, and make it sustainable.

After I had trained consistently for a couple of months, we started upping the ante a little at a time. Over several months, we increased my step target, weight on lifts, and reduced calorie intake. The changes were small each time, only 1000 steps or 100 calories change each time. Enough to make a difference, without getting overwhelmed.

Before I knew it I was used to the routine and was working out consistently, and it was just a part of my life.

I'm taking that same approach to rebooting. I'm starting right where I am, right now, not at some point in the future when the situation is theoretically perfect. And now there is no failure. Watching porn once doesn't mean I failed, the same as eating a packet of chips didn't mean I failed. I can step on the scale and see that I'm still lighter than I was a few months ago. I can take a picture of myself today and compare it to how I looked on that random day in April, and see the obvious progress I've made, despite not following my diet perfectly and missing the occasional workout.

That's what "progress, not perfection," means to me now. It's not just a worn out saying. It's the truth. It's the authentic winning attitude that will get you where you want to go in life.

 

[Phineas 808]

I believe Christianity's negative attitudes towards sex contributed to my sexual frustrations in the first place. It has been a long journey trying to build a healthy sexuality from there.

Hi, Dude...

I can resonate with this, as being subject to years of shame based teaching in a spiritually abusive church helped create the problems that later became addictions.

Flipping shame on its head, however, by embracing a radical grace (which says I'm forgiven of all my sins, past-present-and future) has helped me tremendously.

Also, while I do use spiritual approaches, I also rely on a more 'rational' approach rather than one that says we're either 'diseased' or innately sinful. I think that the biblical view of sexuality is mostly misunderstood or hyper-moralized by Christians, which is unfortunate.

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Hi, Dude...

I can resonate with this, as being subject to years of shame based teaching in a spiritually abusive church helped create the problems that later became addictions.

Flipping shame on its head, however, by embracing a radical grace (which says I'm forgiven of all my sins, past-present-and future) has helped me tremendously.

Also, while I do use spiritual approaches, I also rely on a more 'rational' approach rather than one that says we're either 'diseased' or innately sinful. I think that the biblical view of sexuality is mostly misunderstood or hyper-moralized by Christians, which is unfortunate.

Welcome to the forum!

Thanks Phineas 808!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 9 - no morning wood, but I climaxed during sex last night, so maybe that's why.

10% of the way to 90 days! Lets go!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Holy shit...day 10!

Medium morning wood this morning.

Adherence to workout and diet is strong and results are coming fast.

In a good place! Just got to keep doing the things to make my life better and keep not doing the things to make my life worse Easy right? Let's go legends

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 11 - strong MW again. ED during sex with gf yesterday, but was able to orgasm so that's a weird combo.

Yesterday was also the most productive day I've had in a LONG time. I got so much done!

I set up the Christmas tree, except no decorations yet because my old housemate took them when she moved out.

I got us a dining table and chairs, plus repaired one of the chairs which was broken. Again, old housemate took it, so we've needed one for months.

Picked up a free wooden desk for my bedroom. The one I have currently is tiny and I've wanted a bigger one for ages.

Ordered a new black bed with storage and LED lighting.

Tidied up my room a lot. It looks so much better now. I've been living in clutter and chaos for a long time and procrastinating hard on cleaning and organising, so this feels like an epic win for me.

Did 2 loads of washing, plus soaked my white T-shirts in bleach/stain remover to restore them to perfect whiteness. Hopefully they turned out ok...I'll go downstairs and check soon.

Stuck to my diet. The past 3 days I've lost weight each day. Been hitting it full strength this week, after months of somewhat sloppy eating. If you half commit, you get half result.

My ED symptoms were confusing yesterday. I got a raging erection just sitting on the lounge by myself and then later when I tried to have sex with my gf, I couldn't stay hard at all. Really struggled, and then came faster than usual. So bizarre. I'll take it as a positive sign that something is happening.

 

[Fappy]

Day 11 - strong MW again. ED during sex with gf yesterday, but was able to orgasm so that's a weird combo.

Yesterday was also the most productive day I've had in a LONG time. I got so much done!

I set up the Christmas tree, except no decorations yet because my old housemate took them when she moved out.

I got us a dining table and chairs, plus repaired one of the chairs which was broken. Again, old housemate took it, so we've needed one for months.

Picked up a free wooden desk for my bedroom. The one I have currently is tiny and I've wanted a bigger one for ages.

Ordered a new black bed with storage and LED lighting.

Tidied up my room a lot. It looks so much better now. I've been living in clutter and chaos for a long time and procrastinating hard on cleaning and organising, so this feels like an epic win for me.

Did 2 loads of washing, plus soaked me white T-shirts in bleach/stain remover to restore them to perfect whiteness. Hopefully they turned out ok...I'll go downstairs and check soon.

Stuck to my diet. The past 3 days I've lost weight each day. Been hitting it full strength this week, after months of somewhat sloppy eating. If you half commit, you get half result.

My ED symptoms were confusing yesterday. I got a raging erection just sitting on the lounge by myself and then later when I tried to have sex with my gf, I couldn't stay hard at all. Really struggled, and then came faster than usual. So bizarre. I'll take it as a positive sign that something is happening.

sounds like youre on top of things by keeping busy, thats great. keep that up because it definately works.
i had that problem too. i would get rock hard just sitting there doing nothing remotely sexual, maybe just holding hands with my wife. but when it came time to penetrate her, it was like forcing a limp cocktail weiner in there. pathetic and embarrassing. and whwen after a while of trying it did eventually get it up manually, it took about a minute. it is a positive sign in that your willy isnt completely fucked, but there is still something not quite right going on.
this will pass assuredly as you progress, though. but until then, go very slowly because forcing it could be bad in the long run.

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 12

Yesterday was another productive one.

I picked up a TV unit, went clothes shopping and bought some really nice clothes, put them in with the tailor, trained legs and did another 2 loads of washing (almost done with the huge backlog that was all over the floor in my room!).

My weight was the same yesterday, but today I'm 0.1kg lighter. The rapid weight loss from snapping back into diet mode has stabilised and now I'm seeing the steady daily progress.

Regarding my reboot, the whole region down there feels different. It's a kind of warm, pleasurable tingle that seems to be a sign of the area waking back up.

I watched Deck The Halls (a stupid Christmas movie) last night and found myself being very interested in the two wives in the movie. It feels like my natural libido is returning. I remember back when I was using porn frequently, I felt numb to the charms of women in any other context. By contrast, before porn, I remember getting aroused looking at a camping catalogue that featured a mother hiking with her family. That mom got me going, just wearing hiking gear and doing camping activities. I would fantasize about going on a camping trip with her and all the raunchy things we'd get up to. It was so wholesome. I was about 15 at the time. Fast forward just 5 years and it was already taking a lot more to pique my interest.

But last night, watching that movie, I just found those two moms so appealing and beautiful. It was cool feeling the difference, and made me think this is really working.

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 13 - I think I might be getting a flatline.

He feels kind of lifeless down there. But the flatline is a good sign! A sign of mysterious neurological changes taking place. It might just be a bit tough for a while. No one likes having a "limp noodle" . That's why we're all here.

But again, I had a very productive day. I bought some items to improve my bathroom (soap dish, shower caddy, bamboo mat for the shower. Bought a watering can for the veggie plants someone gave me as a gift the other day. They need water...it's been a few days.

I'm excited at the realisation that it's almost 2 weeks already!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Day 14 - Had a huge night clubbing. Very tired, need sleep now. Still going strong though. Still not much going on downstairs.

 

[guiganvoger]

Keep at it man! Sounds like you are doing great!

 

[Dudewithaproblem]

Keep at it man! Sounds like you are doing great

Big thank!