I Had To Say Goodbye

Walkingaway11

New Member
I’ve been meaning to post on this forum for a while, and I’ve been hesitating because I didn’t want to be associated with all of this. I was inspired by one partner who posted about having enough and ending the relationship before I ended mine. Therefore, I felt I needed to speak up about leaving my robooter. I know a lot of you on this forum (if you're like me) have searched for ways to cope and find reasons to stay. We come across posts that say “it’s not you it’s me” or “It’s not that you're not desirable, but...” and I think what we forget is that we as partners are going through our own struggles with this and need support from the rebooter as well. We are fighting a different battle alongside our partner of feeling disappointed and never fully connected. Never being emotionally secure. Never feeling desired, and not feeling loved in the way we need to be loved. This is how I felt, so I left. Not because I didn't love him, which made walking away so much harder, but I loved him too much to the point I neglected myself. Through a lack of connection, I created a codependent attachment where subconsciously I measured my worth by his inability to love me the way I needed. Now I am paying the consequences of trauma and health issues because of the stress. I still love him with all my heart, but I had to walk away for my own mental health and spirit.

As much as I want to carry his burden, I couldn’t be there to carry the relationship by myself. I wanted to be the one who stood next to him and to help him through this, but it’s unfair. I didn’t feel loved, and that was the main reason for the anger and the arguments. The fighting was the same story every time. Conclusion: I felt starved for affection, and I finally realised this is a journey that he needed to go on by himself. Rather or not he chose to do this, because I believe he’s already in another relationship shortly after we broke up, he needs to. It wasn’t fair to me nor is it to this new girl.

Or maybe that voice in my head that he really didn’t find me attractive was right. I felt deep in my gut that he actually never loved me, and at times I felt like he was using porn addiction as an excuse for his lack of effort. While he was fixing himself he was neglecting me and that’s not okay. Instead I was seen as high maintenance and a whore for wanting more intimacy. His words not mine. These were used to cover his shame and put me down. He will never understand how much that hurt me. I know I'm not these things regardless of what he said I was. Wanting sex from my partner doesn’t make me a slut. Asking for what I need doesn’t make me high maintenance, too demanding, etc. It’s just he wasn’t willing or capable of meeting my needs.There’s only so much begging I could do. So I walked away and every night it kills me. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I know he hates me, as he said I broke his heart. Yet he shattered mine, and he will never understand how. Instead, according to him, I’m the reason we didn’t work out. I’m just high maintenance, he said. I can’t go another 2 years, 3, 4, 6, years of this neglect. All I wanted was to love him so hard, and for him to love me with the same intensity. However, that was being too high maintenance.

I felt like a distraction for him to stay on target. That’s all I was because he even made the comment that he was content with me. That didn’t make me feel good. I’m not selfish or weak because I left. I gave everything I could, and it broke me in the process. Love isn’t supposed to feel empty and cold. It’s not supposed to hurt like this. I tried to communicate that it’s not about sex or porn addiction. It’s about intimacy. He became so distracted with everything, and his relief and willingness to not touch me for two more years, as if he was happy about it, was soul crushing.

Where the danger was when I become codependent, which is where I lost myself and went too far. Therefore, I need to work on myself and put in the work to learn how to love myself, so I never do this again. This is also why I needed to walk away. This is my own journey I need to take by myself. I didn’t have self respect, and I allowed myself to let a man make me feel this way. However, I’m learning and it’s a process. As long as I can take, reflect, and grow from it to create a way to be better, do better, then that’s okay. We are allowed to make mistakes. We are allowed to mess up in relationships, but what’s not okay is when you drag your partner down with you. That's when the relationship becomes unhealthy and toxic. It’s no longer a partnership, but two individuals trying to work their shit out while hurting each other in the process.

To all the men reading this. It ‘s not about sex. It’s about feeling connected with your partner through little things. Random calls during the day would be lovely. Planning dinner every once in a while and taken out would be nice. Telling her she’s beautiful when she’s getting ready. Little hugs here and there would have been really nice. Not just silly joking but sincere, and saying things like I see you, I love you, you're beautiful, thank you. Go out of your way with little surprises, hide notes, be sweet. It’s about being sweet. You don’t have to have sex. Tell her you wish you could. If you are going cold turkey, you need to find another way to be intimate. You need to find another way to communicate how much you desire her. If you don’t, you’re going to leave your partner broken just as broken as you are.

So to all the women who are reading this, it’s okay to walk away not in the sense of giving up on him, but to allow him to grow and focus on himself. It doesn’t make you a bad partner and unable to sustain in a long term relationship. Because just like him, you need to take care of yourself first and grow. As women we want to control and fix everything, but sometimes we need to be self aware of what that’s doing to us. If your partner is not willing to accommodate you as well, then it’s not going to work. It will do more damage to you and that’s not fair. If your partner isn’t willing to try to create intimacy in another way, it’s okay to walk away. You can’t keep giving and giving and not receiving, and that’s in all relationships. Don’t keep giving yourself because you’re not going to have anything left for you. I tried to find ways to communicate and bond without sex. Yet he didn’t take on to any of them. He has to make an effort and not use his addiction as an excuse for a lack of effort. He was so focused on his hobbies and keeping distracted, which I understand why he needs the distraction. However often I felt like he didn't need me, and left me in the dark during his healing. He was content that he had me. Didn’t think I would leave.

I hope this is a wake up call to all the guys reading this post. You have to put in the work not only to stop watching porn, but find other ways to show you care. If you really love your girl, don’t take her for granted standing by your side. If you can’t balance both you need to let her go, and women you need to be strong enough to walk away. It’s not a failure. It’s not giving up on your partner. It doesn't mean you're a bad partner, and it doesn’t mean you are not capable of loving somebody and being committed to a long term relationship.

Don’t use it as an excuse and he can't use it as an excuse for his lack of effort, and make you feel bad for wanting more. Yeah sure it has nothing to do with you, and us as women need to give ourselves our own validation. However, that’s not what love should be, or in my opinion how love should feel. Yes, we as women should have our own confidence and be secure enough in ourselves. However, that’s a bullshit excuse for a partner’s unwillingness to try to make their partner feel special and secure. A partnership should feel secure, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel that from your partner.

I know it’s scary and the trauma after it will continue, but it’s best for you. I know because I’m struggling everyday, but I’m working through it. It’s an opportunity to grow and rediscover myself and ourselves. Also it’s a chance to have fun finding ourselves again. Figure out the solutions of our own issues and fix them. As humans we’ll always have an addiction or something that’s not good for us, but we can change. I hope the guys reading this right now step it up. I know it's hard what you're going through, but if your partner is telling you what they want and need, do those things. You have to find another way to replace the sex in your relationship. For the women out there it’s okay to walk away to find yourself again. I’m not sure if the reason we ended was fully because of his porn addiction, but it did play a massive role in why I left. Not because I was ashamed of his porn addiction, but because I never felt fully connected and loved. That scared me about the future. Sex is supposed to be beautiful and lovely, and it never felt like that. Only empty and sad.

I’m not going to read the comments nor respond. I’m closing this chapter in my life, and pray I never have to visit this site ever again. I hope for those partners who are broken because of this, I want you to know that sometimes it’s okay to let go. His inability to love you does not measure your worth, and sometimes you just need to walk away. I wish someone had told me that a long time ago. It’s not going to be easy after leaving, but we have to make the decision to cut our own addiction to these relationships. I wish him all the best and I love him with all my heart. However, I have learned the whole “love isn’t enough”, and I really wish I didn’t have to. Sometimes I still can’t believe it’s over, but I’m not his person and he’s not mine. I really do wish all the best for him. So I’m forced to say, goodbye.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey, I am very sorry for the pain you had to endure. I think it was the right thing to walk away, you can't give yourself up for another persons addiction. I hope you will get over it and heal soon! I wish you the best and thanks for sharing your feelings with us.
 
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