Up and down ED

Tryinghere

Active Member
Determination of a man is solid . Set in stone. No way in hell it is even an option to crawl back into the grim dungeon of porn sites!

... but ofcourse you want to! It's the fucking beast lurking in the corners of your mind! The devil who's grinning in the shadows! Sweet talking to you and trying to make you change your mind! But we are better than that! We have determination. We don't bow down to devil when there's an angel next to us :)

Edit: just wanted to say i'm no religious. I'm hardcore atheist lol
My religious beliefs vary with my chapter in life. but the devil is always the devil and shows up in many forms. That's true regardless of whether you call it the devil, the universe, karma or just plain temptation. and porn is the devil
 
Those who believe in God should not forget the old proverb " God helps those who help themselves".

Ultimately, whether you are religious or not, if you don't use your determination and will power to change the course of your life, no one else can do it for you.

I'm happy to see your confidence in holding yourself back from relapsing. That confidence suggests you have reached the next level in your reboot journey.

But as always, be aware and alert! Do not let your guard down.
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
Those who believe in God should not forget the old proverb " God helps those who help themselves".

Ultimately, whether you are religious or not, if you don't use your determination and will power to change the course of your life, no one else can do it for you.

I'm happy to see your confidence in holding yourself back from relapsing. That confidence suggests you have reached the next level in your reboot journey.

But as always, be aware and alert! Do not let your guard down. Thanks
Those who believe in God should not forget the old proverb " God helps those who help themselves".

Ultimately, whether you are religious or not, if you don't use your determination and will power to change the course of your life, no one else can do it for you.

I'm happy to see your confidence in holding yourself back from relapsing. That confidence suggests you have reached the next level in your reboot journey.

But as always, be aware and alert! Do not let your guard down.
Relapse has never been a big concern of mine. I didn’t really think I had a problem with porn and my spouse knew I’d watch. She’d sometimes watch with me even. She didn’t have a problem with me watching it. My dick just broke and we didn’t know why. After 10 months of drs visits and thinking “well I AM 40”, we realized that it was probably the porn and started our reboot. Although I’ve experienced addiction related brain changes, I’ve not had many urges to go watch. I chalk it up to the fact that we used to have a very good sex life. I remember what that was like and I’m angry as shit that it’s gone.
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
The truth is, there is no set rhythm for having sex 3 times a week. The truth is that people end up having less than this figure, often due to everyday situations.

No one has sex 3 times a week for their entire life as a couple. Nobody the truth.
I don’t think there’s a set amount of times. Nor do I think 3 times in a week is too much for me. Before my shit broke I experienced enough of a sex life to know what my body can handle. The problem, after a lot of hindsight investigation is that I slipped into some old habits….no porn, but Instagram sluts mixed with some old negative emotions mixed with flatline = broken dick round 2.

since then I went in hard mode and after a month or so I was operable again. I AM a little nervous as I MO’d twice this week. There was no porn. And no old negative emotions. Wife is quarantined from covid and I found myself Unable to be with her. Still. I feel that MO’ing as a mistake. At least the twice in two days part.
 
I don’t think there’s a set amount of times. Nor do I think 3 times in a week is too much for me. Before my shit broke I experienced enough of a sex life to know what my body can handle. The problem, after a lot of hindsight investigation is that I slipped into some old habits….no porn, but Instagram sluts mixed with some old negative emotions mixed with flatline = broken dick round 2.

since then I went in hard mode and after a month or so I was operable again. I AM a little nervous as I MO’d twice this week. There was no porn. And no old negative emotions. Wife is quarantined from covid and I found myself Unable to be with her. Still. I feel that MO’ing as a mistake. At least the twice in two days part.
Completely abstaining from PMO, and not just the P, helps to have a faster, stronger and more long-lasting recovery. At least I have noticed personally, over my multiple cycles, that whenever I abstain from even touching myself, my morning wood returns in just a few days.
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
We're going to go ahead and say that I started this journey on Sept 20. That puts me at 122 days. I agree @rebootingyogi that abstaining from MO is beneficial for faster healing. I've found great results as far as sexual performance goes when abstaining from orgasm for a period. I happened to backslide a bit last week. I AM, however happy that pornography wasn't involved. I never intended to go on "hard mode" or gain super powers given by semen retention.....I simply want my dick to work with my wife again. I'm hopeful that my MO last week doesn't undo the progress we've made.

Although I have been able to get an erection with her the past two times we've been together, the quality of my love-making has suffered greatly from what it was before. Everything seems to be "working just fine" but I have far less control over myself than I used to. I used to be able to control when I orgasmed. I could go.....basically indefinitely before I was finished. She would cum 2 or more times during sex regularly. Currently I don't have the stamina to get her off, but I am happy to have had sex with her twice last week without the use of medication.

Keeping on keeping on fellas.
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
Day 120someting:
It's been 7 days since I've been in the same room as my wife. Catching covid would have been helpful during the beginning of our reboot, but right now we've been exploring each other and making love again. Talk about timing. Anyways, we have 3 kids so one of us has to stay healthy at a time so there's someone to do the parent shit. I almost said "fuck it" and went to bed last night. Then, I remembered all the times in my past where a decision began with the words "fuck it". It's never ended well lol. So I decided to spend one more night on the couch. We'll see what happens tonight.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Although I have been able to get an erection with her the past two times we've been together, the quality of my love-making has suffered greatly from what it was before. Everything seems to be "working just fine" but I have far less control over myself than I used to. I used to be able to control when I orgasmed. I could go.....basically indefinitely before I was finished. She would cum 2 or more times during sex regularly. Currently I don't have the stamina to get her off.
Hey there, I'm glad to read that, Covid aside (I hope she gets well soon), things are looking up.

With this quotation here, I wanted to say that I experienced the same. And two things with that:

  1. Nowadays I think that what I used to call sexual prowess, was just early stages of delayed ejaculation (you know, going on forever but still being able to cum "on command"). I think desensitization progression in the porn journey goes: premature ejaculation, normal, delayed ejaculation, PIED.
  2. Now that I invariably cum from enjoyment in the middle of sex, and don't even want to hold it in, she actually loves it, even if she doesn't reach an orgasm herself. It makes her feel beautiful, wanted, lusted over. For her, it definitely beats having sex with a viagratized robot whose mind is clearly somewhere else. And don't worry, it doesn't stay that way for long, you eventually find your rhythm and both get their share of joy.
Anyway, hope she gets better and you guys continue improving!
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
Hey there, I'm glad to read that, Covid aside (I hope she gets well soon), things are looking up.

With this quotation here, I wanted to say that I experienced the same. And two things with that:

  1. Nowadays I think that what I used to call sexual prowess, was just early stages of delayed ejaculation (you know, going on forever but still being able to cum "on command"). I think desensitization progression in the porn journey goes: premature ejaculation, normal, delayed ejaculation, PIED.
  2. Now that I invariably cum from enjoyment in the middle of sex, and don't even want to hold it in, she actually loves it, even if she doesn't reach an orgasm herself. It makes her feel beautiful, wanted, lusted over. For her, it definitely beats having sex with a viagratized robot whose mind is clearly somewhere else. And don't worry, it doesn't stay that way for long, you eventually find your rhythm and both get their share of joy.
Anyway, hope she gets better and you guys continue improving!
Thank you! I'm glad to hear it gets better. So far, my wife has been patient as a saint (she hasn't gotten off on my dick for about a year now). I don't expect to be the same "stallion" as I was in my twenties. But I do need some improvement as time goes on. At least enough that I can consistently get her off without using other parts of my body to accomplish the task.

I like your timeline of events sounds pretty accurate. I never had a problem with DE. Went from "cum on command" to PIED....or so it seems. Anyways, there is clear and obvious progress being made and I'm sticking with it. I'm using Sept 20 as my official start date of my reboot (it's somewhere around there) so that puts me at right around 4 months. A few steps forward and a couple back seems to be the progress.....over time, that adds up to a solution. I can't put into words how helpful this forum has been....and will continue to be for me.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Here we are. Early morning. With my iPad. On the couch. Pissed off. The only thing missing is the porn. It’s been 4 months. Not going to start over now. last night as stupid, but I didn’t do anything. The streak is alive
Just come across your journal mate. I'm glad the streak is alive, it's amazing to hear about how far you've come. Don't throw it away!
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Here we are. Early morning. With my iPad. On the couch. Pissed off. The only thing missing is the porn. It’s been 4 months. Not going to start over now. last night as stupid, but I didn’t do anything. The streak is alive
The reward is big my friend. I am glad you were able to keep it going!
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
Hello my friends. it's time for another update. Passed 4 months on Jan. 20. That's super cool. I broke hard mode the other day, but am back on it. I've got a couple of thoughts I'd like your opinions on. First off, my PIED seems to be fading. Here's the situation, my stamina is horrendous. I could probably almost climax just by her looking at my dick at this point. I've thought about re-introducing masturbation in hopes that I might last longer during the real thing. At least until I recover the stamina I used to have. Thoughts?

Also, and I'm SURE I already know the answer to this, but I have several pictures and a few videos of my wife and I together. I'd imagine though, that my body would respond to that in the exact same way it would respond to pornography and I'd be back to having a limp member in no time flat. That's disappointing because they're good pics lol. Thoughts?

Right now, Performance anxiety is a bitch. Although the last two times we've attempted sex we've been successful, I haven't been a great lover. Ok cool, we'll get there. But today she told me that she needs some "aggressive sex" which instantly sent me into a state of anxiousness. Any tips or advice on how to navigate that would be appreciated. She's on her period right now so I've got a few days.....but once she's done, it's on.

Thanks guys! I hope you're all doing well on your journeys. Cheers
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Congratulations on four months. It seems that you are doing great.

In my opinion, masturbation operates in a different wavelength than sex, and I now think one is not practice for the other one, so I would wager it wouldn't desensitize you just enough to last more. It might even be triggerish enough to either watch porn or at least delay the solidification of the "real people" pathways and deactivation of the porn pathways. This is all conjecture so just do what feels right. You already have a firm grasp of how this thing operates and how you respond to things.

In this case I would follow @casanova 's advice and go for kegels to improve your overall control and hence stamina. And since you are getting your dick back, just use it more.

I would stay away from the pictures for a few more months or even years. I have been thinking a lot about how up until I was 27 or 28 my porn usage was mostly photos. Print magazines for the first few years and downladed pics from the internet from internet cafes or dialup, or self-made ones like you and your wife's. Maybe a VHS tape once a year and scrambled cable porn, which 1) looked very distorted, and 2) went at it's own pace (no scrolling). No PIED whatsoever, none for a good 15 years of masturbating to more or less static porn. Enter tube porn sites around 28 or 29 and only a couple of years later I had my first episode of ED, which only got worse from there. Now I'm not advocating you go back to masturbating to pictures because we assume there are some irreversible damages to the brain (the delta foss b story) and you might undo the good work, but I'm saying that perhaps some time down the line, years even, they might work between the confines of a healthy sexual banter with your wife. Ways of spicing things up. So hold on to them.

As for aggressive, ask her about the no expectations policy before and go nuts if it works. Don't think about her needs in the moment, be selfish and think about yourself and how you want to derive pleasure for yourself. That takes your mind off what she'll think. Yearn for her pussy, do to her what gives you pleasure and in the good words of Jerry Stiller in The Heartbreak Kid:

"Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!"
 
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Hello my friends. it's time for another update. Passed 4 months on Jan. 20. That's super cool. I broke hard mode the other day, but am back on it. I've got a couple of thoughts I'd like your opinions on. First off, my PIED seems to be fading. Here's the situation, my stamina is horrendous. I could probably almost climax just by her looking at my dick at this point. I've thought about re-introducing masturbation in hopes that I might last longer during the real thing. At least until I recover the stamina I used to have. Thoughts?

Also, and I'm SURE I already know the answer to this, but I have several pictures and a few videos of my wife and I together. I'd imagine though, that my body would respond to that in the exact same way it would respond to pornography and I'd be back to having a limp member in no time flat. That's disappointing because they're good pics lol. Thoughts?

Right now, Performance anxiety is a bitch. Although the last two times we've attempted sex we've been successful, I haven't been a great lover. Ok cool, we'll get there. But today she told me that she needs some "aggressive sex" which instantly sent me into a state of anxiousness. Any tips or advice on how to navigate that would be appreciated. She's on her period right now so I've got a few days.....but once she's done, it's on.

Thanks guys! I hope you're all doing well on your journeys. Cheers
"I could probably almost climax just by her looking at my dick at this point."

I am looking at it from a positive angle. It means you have recovered to the point of supersensitivity, which is actually a good sign of dopamine detox and recovery of sensitivity to dopamine.

Kegels are a very good way to strengthen erection quality and overall penis health.

Don't worry about how long you will last. Your wife wants sex. Just go for it and enjoy the moment!
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
It's strange this situation. Having the control of a 13 year old boy. This morning, I woke up. I had about 10 minutes until I had to get out of bed and get started with the day. I whispered to my wife, got close to her and started rubbing her back as she slept. We were in a spooning position. I rubbed her back as her ass brushed against me. I was rock solid hard. I did my best not to thrust or grope or anything. After all I wasn't there for a quickie. At one point, still sleeping, she arched her back, pushed her ass out and rolled her shoulders towards me. The shoulder roll placed her breasts in my hands instead of her back. Immediately I was on the razor's edge of climaxing. my only option was to freeze. I didn't breath, didn't blink, didn't move. I prayed that she wouldn't move too much lest I make a complete mess out of her ass. I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be a teenager again.....lol. I didn't quite picture this scenario though.

I'm frustrated by this, and it's rather embarrassing.........but you know what? My dick is getting rock hard for my wife. Yes, it's embarrassing but not nearly as embarrassing as the feeling of her tugging away on a limp dick trying to shake life into it. I'm hopeful that with some practice I will regain the stamina I once had. @otanerferguson I think I agree with you. At this point in time, masturbation is not something I'm interested in. Maybe in the future. Right now, I like that 100% of my sexual energy is directed towards my spouse.
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
"I could probably almost climax just by her looking at my dick at this point."

I am looking at it from a positive angle. It means you have recovered to the point of supersensitivity, which is actually a good sign of dopamine detox and recovery of sensitivity to dopamine.

Kegels are a very good way to strengthen erection quality and overall penis health.

Don't worry about how long you will last. Your wife wants sex. Just go for it and enjoy the moment!
Thank you sir! I just posted about this a minute ago. You're exactly right. Yes, it sucks. But it's not nearly as terrible as having a broken dick. That's not to say I won't freak out mentally and fail to get an erection when the moment comes.....but at this point, I'll take cumming quickly over not getting it up.
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
It's strange this situation. Having the control of a 13 year old boy. This morning, I woke up. I had about 10 minutes until I had to get out of bed and get started with the day. I whispered to my wife, got close to her and started rubbing her back as she slept. We were in a spooning position. I rubbed her back as her ass brushed against me. I was rock solid hard. I did my best not to thrust or grope or anything. After all I wasn't there for a quickie. At one point, still sleeping, she arched her back, pushed her ass out and rolled her shoulders towards me. The shoulder roll placed her breasts in my hands instead of her back. Immediately I was on the razor's edge of climaxing. my only option was to freeze. I didn't breath, didn't blink, didn't move. I prayed that she wouldn't move too much lest I make a complete mess out of her ass. I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be a teenager again.....lol. I didn't quite picture this scenario though.

I'm frustrated by this, and it's rather embarrassing.........but you know what? My dick is getting rock hard for my wife. Yes, it's embarrassing but not nearly as embarrassing as the feeling of her tugging away on a limp dick trying to shake life into it. I'm hopeful that with some practice I will regain the stamina I once had. @otanerferguson I think I agree with you. At this point in time, masturbation is not something I'm interested in. Maybe in the future. Right now, I like that 100% of my sexual energy is directed towards my spouse.
I know what you mean, and I agree. I prefer cumming to tugging any day! With time, that should improve. Nice job!
 

Tryinghere

Active Member
Here we are. No sex since the last post when I thought for sure it was coming. She got weirded out and some resentment about our situation bubbled to the surface. She’s angry that we’re here. MOST of the time she’s an angel and very supportive. This morning, she was kind and loving, but made it very clear that she’s unhappy about the situation and unhappy with me. She recoils a bit when I approach her with sexual energy. If we’re spooning and I get hard, she pulls away. If I try to get too touchy or kissy or whatever, she pulls away. This morning we were both kind of sleeping still, she was basically laying on me. I got hard…..as soon as I did she essentially jumped to the other side of the bed. Her confidence is shot and she blames me for it. I get it. I don’t blame her. But if you know our story and know how we got here, then you’d know that this is stirring up the same feelings in me that sent me to porn in the first place.

I spent the night last night frustrated and angry……and horny. I was mad AT her which isn’t helping anyone. I can tell that I’m very close to this whole problem being over. I easily get aroused by her touch. I’m all but certain my PIED is gone and the only thing I suffer from is performance anxiety. This shit isn’t helping. I feel like the only thing left that I need is some time where we can just focus on each other. More than one night. A weekend maybe. A moment where I can fail to get hard and then overcome it. A moment where we can take our time and I can practice fucking her like she was used to being fucked. How we we ever get that moment if she’s cynical and I’m aggravated?

I KNOW we’re doing the right things. We are strong. I KNOW we’re going to get better. It’s just aggravating how much this stupid fucking problem permeates into all facets of life. I carry it with me everywhere I go. I see in her eyes that she carries it with her too. Her face is different….or indifferent when she looks at me. That spark isn’t in her eyes. The tone of her voice is different when she speaks to me….business like and very matter of fact. No indications of love or attraction in the way she speaks to me. Her “I Love You Too’s” have become a mumbled, barely spoken “love you” only because that’s what you’re supposed to say when your husband says it first. I know I’m her person. I know she loves me. I don’t question that. I know we’re strong and will get better. But right now we’re in a valley and this valley can eat a whole big bag of dicks.
 
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