Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

Day 28 clean. That marks 4 weeks.

I had very sexual dreams last night and woke up with very solid morning wood. For the past month or so, Monday has been a really challenging day for me being the 3rd day in a row just at home. Today I am working to break that streak, I woke up and listened to some personal development and planned my day. We should have a good Monday.

A big struggle in my life at this point, which has an impact on my reboot too, is social media distraction. I deleted all social media from my phone except for YouTube and that has worked well to decrease the time I spend on SM platforms. I can't uninstall YouTube from my phone because it's an android but I've deactivated it just now so it's almost just as good.

As for porn, it can get fucked. Today's game plan is to apply the same game plan which has been working. I commit here now in the morning to having a porn-free day: no porn, no porn substitutes, no seeking triggering photos or content, no fantasizing, nothing which activates the porn pathways. If I go against this commitment then I'm failing to follow through on what I committed to with a clear and focussed mind. The thinking is done for the day, just follow through on the plan. Also, no touching of dick except in shower and peeing.

I'm only ever one fuck up away from a relapse. Today is just as important as any other day in the streak. All I have to do is get through the day, one day at a time.

Fuck porn. I don't want it in my life, it's not something I do anymore and it doesn't fit with who I am and who I am becoming.

See you tomorrow morning to keep me accountable. FUCK PORN!

 

[cookiemonster]

Super productive day. I'm fucked up, so exhausted hahah. Tomorrow is going to be carnage, I've got to get up at 6:30am for gym before uni which is rough for me and it's already somewhat late.

Could be a challenge because beating porn is always harder when tired.

I'll worry about that tomorrow, for now I'm going to bed and not playing with my dick now or in the morning.

Fuck porn. Goodnight

 

[Androg]

Way to stay on track.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 29 clean.

Just finished possibly the biggest gym session I've ever done.

The game plan today remains the same. I am committing here publicly to a porn-free day. No porn, no porn substitutes, no fantasizing, no engaging in anything which I can feel activates the porn pathways.

To combat the fatigue and stress which might build up today from having too much on my plate I've cancelled one activity and will come home early. That way I can have more time to get things done and take a nap if I really need.

Fuck porn. One day at a time. The goal for today is simply to have a porn-free day, to fail to do this is to not follow through on my commitment.

FUCK PORN! FUCK IT!

 

[cookiemonster]

I had a nap this afternoon, it was good.

I'm going to bed way too late but it's been a busy day and there's a lot to get done this week. I also spend a little extra time responding to messages with the new friends I'm trying to make overseas.

Time to go to bed and not play with my dick going to sleep or waking up. This is important, there's been a lot of triggering content today and even nudity in a movie I watched with family tonight.

Fuck porn.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 30 clean.

Didn't go to the gym this morning even though I was meant to but the weather is shit and I stretched instead at home.

I've got a few deadlines coming up on Friday which I want to handle with excellence and meet without too much stress.

Things are feeling a little bit easier lately. It feels like I'm well on my way to having broken the habit of porn use. That being said, every single day I can feel how easy it would be to relapse - simply indulging in a trigger or thought or playing with my dick.

I have to keep the pressure up and keep doing what has brought me this far. I commit this morning to a porn-free day. Today the goal is to not look at porn, to not seek any content, to not indulge any sexual thoughts or anything which I can feel activates the porn pathways. To go against this is to fail to follow through on this commitment which I've made with a clarity of mind. The thinking has been done today. Also no touching of dick except to pee or in the shower.

Things are going well for me, I must not fuck that up. I always feel worse, so much worse, if I lose a streak. It's never worth it. It never even feels good.

Soon I'm sure I'll be with a real woman and I'll be so glad that I followed through today. I look forward to that day.

FUCK PORN! I don't do that anymore, that's not who I am anymore.

See you tomorrow morning, keep me accountable!

It's a pleasure reading your journals fellow rebooters and working alongside you to beat this parasitic industry each day.

 

[Androg]

You're doing great. Bravo!

 

[cookiemonster]

Crazy productive day. Crazy busy day.

I'm here later than I'd like to be. I like to have some time to wind down and get to bed early. At the moment I'm not managing to do that because I'm dealing with some deadlines. Hopefully I'll course correct soon once we get to the weekend. I hate being tired. Anyway, it could be so much worse.

Also today I had a girl call me "sweet", and another girl tell me I'd be very popular if I went on a dating show. For guys, it's not very often we get compliments so two in one day is a pretty special event.

I have a bit of a paradoxical situation though and I'll probably make a longer post soon thinking through it with you guys. I have an issue where I think I'm a bit of a walking contradiction. I don't think the casual sex scene is for me but part of me is attracted to the idea. Also, I definitely feel like I'm ready to get a girlfriend. There are also definitely girls I think are interested in me and with whom I could pursue things and see how it goes, but I'm not sure if I want to. It's almost like as soon as I can tell a girl is into me, I sort of chicken out. I feel like I'm afraid of committing to that one person because I think there are better options. So that's when I'm also like, well wouldn't it be good to have a casual thing? It's like I'm scared that after having lost so many years to porn addiction, I'll come out of it and lock myself into one thing with one girl.

I think this all comes down to lost time from pornography basically neutering me and taking me out of the dating scene for so many years. Part of me wants to go on a sexual liberation fucking spree, part of me wants to settle into a relationship with someone special. Subconsciously I think I have a desire to make up for lost experiences.

I will figure this out. The one thing I'm sure about is that I'm ready to move on in my love life and sexual maturity. And I'm also sure that the sexual side of my body which has been put on hold for this reboot just wants to get out there and fuck hahaha.

Fuck porn. I am so ready to fucking cut this shit out of my life. I have no desire to go back to it, all that's left are the strong porn neural pathways I created after so many years of use. My actual being is so ready to move on, I hope my neurophysiology and neurochemistry will catch up soon.

Honestly sometimes I feel like crying in this reboot. I am sad I missed out on my sexual development in my late teen years because of this shit and I'm even more terrified that I could relapse at any moment. I can't go back. It costs too much. I want a successful life, a life of excellence with a loving wife and kids - porn will fuck with that.

FUCK PORN! FUCK ITTTTTTTTTT! Fuck the porn industry. I started this shit when I was 11, how the fuck was I supposed to know?

Keep fighting fellas. I'm scared. One day at a time, tonight all I need to do is go to bed, read a bit, journal a bit and go to sleep without playing with my dick.

I feel a bit emotionally exhausted too. Tomorrow morning it will be very important to commit to a porn-free day, it's in these periods of heightened emotion when it's easy to slip up, establish clarity of thought and outsource your commitments to a cool-headed self.

 

[Androg]

Porn trains your brain to seek novelty by exploiting an old mammalian brain program known as "The Coolidge Effect." It makes the grass seem green elsewhere. As you bond more deeply, that urge tends to shift.

Instead of trying to plan your entire future, why don't you befriend the women you like and take it slow? The answers will appear.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 31 clean.

Not much time this morning so I'll have to keep it brief.

Porn trains your brain to seek novelty by exploiting an old mammalian brain program known as "The Coolidge Effect." It makes the grass seem green elsewhere. As you bond more deeply, that urge tends to shift.

Instead of trying to plan your entire future, why don't you befriend the women you like and take it slow? The answers will appear.

Androg is right. Don't overthink it. I'm doing the right things and hanging out with girls I'm potentially interested in and there's nothing else I need to worry about it. That being said, this kind of over-intellectualisation of things is something I do often.

I had sexual dreams last night and woke up with morning wood.

To be honest, the stakes are just as high as ever but in a different way. Now is the kind of period of the reboot where self-sabotage can happen.

Anyway, I will forget all of that. Today is all that matters. Today I am committed to a porn-free day, no porn, no porn substitutes, no seeking behaviour and no wilful engaging in things which I can feel activate the porn pathways. All that matters, is getting through today. One day at a time. Also no touching of dick other than peeing and in the shower.

See you tomorrow or tonight to keep me accountable.

Fuck porn!

 

[Trisquel]

Keep killing it, man!

I can relate to a lot of things I read on your posts. How relapsing is so much worst than committing to your reboot, even if it doesn't seems like that in the moment, the self-sabotage period on your reboot, and how it is difficult and painful sometimes.

Is great to see the attitude with wich you face all of that!
I have been making daily commitments on my reboot, and they have been very useful, it keeps me focus throughout my day.

Cheers!

 

[cookiemonster]

Super tired after today. Super long day. Just need to get to bed.

I got a hard on walking home today after hearing an audio message from a girl, not sure what's going on :').

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 32 clean.

I'm going off track a little bit in my schedule and in a huge rush this morning.

Today I will be diligent in avoiding distractions and have an early night which should be a good course correct.

Despite all of this, I am here again to commit to a porn-free day. No porn, no porn substitutes and nothing which activates the old porn pathways.

Fuck porn.

One day at a time.

See you tomorrow.

 

[Daybyday1988]

Also no touching of dick other than peeing and in the shower.

couldnt agree more dude. A lot of posters ask questions like "can i still masturbate"? like we arent going to be thinking about porn scenes when we do. Im firmly convinced that as an adult, you have no need to jerk-it period. For us, it will only slow recovery anyway, plus its just a useless pastime in general.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 33 clean.

I wrote this yesterday but apparently didn't post it:

Some miniscule thing will arouse me during the day and then I'll end up with precum in my pants, I'm almost bursting at the seams... It seems.

I feel so different having abstained from both PMO and MO. I have this confidence which is almost like what you get when you drink alcohol?

Like today I went way out of my way to chat to a pretty girl in class and it was obvious I'd done that. It feels like proper channelling of sexual energy.


I don't feel very good today. Over the past few days I haven't been as diligent working on my personal projects and uni work as I would have liked. But a part of me thinks it's normal to have fluctuations in mood and this is probably just one of those. I went to the gym this morning which was good and I've set myself some goals for the today which will keep me busy.

I feel lonely. I think a companion and girlfriend would be really good for me. I've got friends and socialize but I haven't had a girlfriend for so long. When rebooting and tuning back into myself I've really noticed this is something I want. I'm sure it will happen, I just don't know when or in what form.

Today I'm going to make an effort to spend less time on my phone, I think it makes the reboot harder because it can bring with it triggering content.

No porn, no porn-substitutes, nothing which activates the porn pathways (and if I'm being honest here, that means much less time on the phone).

One day at a time. I only have to get through today, the goal is a porn-free day.

Porn is not a part of my life anymore. I don't want it to be a part of my life. I don't engage with it anymore, it's completely unfulfilling and just holds me back from the life I want to live. It doesn't fit with my identity and goals, I have to let it go.

See you tonight or tomorrow morning so that I stay accountable.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 34 clean.

Yesterday was a shit day. Today feels like it will be a good day. Our mood is a product of many factors, even weather, so we've just got to ride it out sometimes.

Today's goal is a porn-free day and that's the only thing we have to focus on. I had sexual dreams again last night but this time they were "pornographic", as in it involved adult performers I had watched in the past. The last few days I've felt a sort of reactivation of that part of my brain and I think I've figured out why. I've been talking to people online trying to make some new connections before going overseas to a place where I don't know anyone; every new person is like another novelty dopamine kick. So the solution to that is to simply chat with the one person I've been enjoying talking to the most.

So the plan for today is to be porn free, and porn substitute and porn-pathway-activating activities free. What's special about today is I've identified something which is a porn-pathway-activating activity even as innocuous as the activity may seem at first. So no porn, and do my online "pen pal" exchange mindfully.

I think I'm doing really well, I've come very far, and I keep taking action to defend against things which could derail me.

Fuck porn. It has no place in my life anymore. It's not congruent with who I am now and what I want to achieve in life. Every day which goes by without it is a day where I'm living into the person I want to be.

See you tomorrow or maybe even tonight, keep me accountable. FUCK PORN!

 

[cookiemonster]

Today's plan was well executed. Porn can kiss my ass!

 

[Blondie]

Nice job @cookiemonster.

It's good to notice those habits that can lead us astray.

Keep on killing it.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 35 clean. 5 weeks.

I had another sexual dream last night... this is happening every night?

Generally speaking I'm tired, unmotivated and morale is low. I can't be bothered today. That being said, my morale is high with regards to the reboot, porn can still go fuck itself.

I'll try to have the best day that I can, move through my responsibilities and commitments with whatever sense of peace I can muster.

The goal for today is to be porn-free another day. One day at a time. No porn, no p-subs, no porn-brain-activating activities; which means only chatting to my one new online friend during the day and also not playing games on my phone. I'm committed to this, anything else is to fail to follow through.

See you tomorrow, keep me accountable.

Fuck porn. So ready for this to be behind me and have a real intimate and meaningful relationship.

 

[cookiemonster]

Brain is fried after working inefficiently all day. I got a fair bit done but it fried my brain and could have been done properly with breaks and without distractions.

Spent time on YouTube shorts when I shouldn't have and there's always something to trigger you. Fuck that.

Fuck porn.

Going to go make dinner and rest for a bit.