Road to freedom

[cookiemonster]

Such a shit day. Monday is systematically a shit day looking back on my journal entries.

The tasks which I have always seem to expand to fill the time I have so that I never give myself time to just chill. Or the time which I would have to chill gets stolen from me procrastinating during the day.

It's late and I have to get up at 6:30 to get my gym session in, fuuuck hahah.

Tomorrow I'll be tired, the good news is I can come home after uni in the morning and have a nap if I really need.

Today I pretty much finished a big uni assignment a few days early which will save me stress down the track and should make staying on track with the reboot easier this week... once I rest up tomorrow.

I'm pleased that I'm at a point in the reboot where things are a bit easier. I could still relapse a literally any moment with one tiny slip up but the habit is to NOT watch porn rather than the other way around.

Fuck porn. I'm really quite down in the dumps recently. The one thing which matters though is being porn-free each day, it doesn't matter what's happened during the day, if I get to the end of the day porn-free I feel pretty good about that.

I hate porn. I don't want it to be a part of my life. I'm tired as fuck. I need to sleep. See you tomorrow.

I am posting a lot on here but honestly it really helps to help me stay on track, I'd rather post on here 10 times a day than relapse.

 

[Trisquel]

Hey!

Is okay not to feel good sometimes. Make sure you take some time to rest, and don´t push you too hard.

We cannot at our peak every single day, and these kind of actions are also very important. You have been doing great on your reboot and you are still doing that, and that´s already a lot.

Maybe you feel bad because of withdrawal symptoms? I had it when I was on a "long" strike.
Anyway, it can be due to many many factors, the important things, as you say, is to just go trhough it, to take care of your rest, and to commit to the reboot still.

Good luck!
Best wishes

 

[cookiemonster]

Hey!

Is okay not to feel good sometimes. Make sure you take some time to rest, and don´t push you too hard.

We cannot at our peak every single day, and these kind of actions are also very important. You have been doing great on your reboot and you are still doing that, and that´s already a lot.

Maybe you feel bad because of withdrawal symptoms? I had it when I was on a "long" strike.
Anyway, it can be due to many many factors, the important things, as you say, is to just go trhough it, to take care of your rest, and to commit to the reboot still.

Good luck!
Best wishes

Thanks Trisquel. You're right and I appreciate the support.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 36 clean.

Forgot to post this morning/ ran out of time before hopping on the bus.

Short one today because I'm on the bus.

Fuck porn. TODAY IS NOT THE DAY. ONWARDS!!

No porn or psubs is the goal today.

Had a great start to the day.

See you tomorrow or tonight.

 

[cookiemonster]

So many cuties on campus farkkkk.

FUCK PORNNNNNN! WE'RE BEATING THIS THING!!!

Still want to get a girlfriend.

Goodnight. No playing with dick this evening or when waking up is the goal.

 

[Trisquel]

Hey, maybe the next step is to talk with some of the girls? Part of the reboot is also to rewire to the real thing, not only abstaining from P!

 

[Androg]

Flirt, flirt, flirt!

It brightens their days too ! Think of it as a public service

 

[cookiemonster]

Hey, maybe the next step is to talk with some of the girls? Part of the reboot is also to rewire to the real thing, not only abstaining from P!

Flirt, flirt, flirt!

It brightens their days too ! Think of it as a public service

Hahha thanks guys.

I've been trying. I talk to lots of girls every day actually, it's just about finding one who is single and also into me, and I'm also into her weirdly enough...

I have this weird thing at the moment where it's like I'm only just getting back into the dating game and don't want to shut off the options immediately by starting a commited relationship... While at the same time that's kind of exactly what I want.

I'll figure it out!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 37 clean.

Things are feeling pretty easy at the moment although I don't want to jinx anything, I'm only ever one slip up away from relapse and I know that from previous reboots where I've been here before. It was a great move by me to change the way I've been chatting online with new online friends, seriously that was reactivating the porn pathways from the novelty and dopamine of "new partners" as crazy as that sounds. Now that's totally gone quiet and I still get all the benefits of talking to the one person I enjoyed chatting to the most.

The goal for today is a porn-free day. No porn, no p-subs, no indulging in anything which activates the old porn pathways. Also no touching of the dick other than when going to the bathroom and when in the shower. Seriously this has been working magic for me so far. I commit to this right here, right now.

Fuck porn. NOT TODAY!

LET'S FUCKING GOOOOOO!

See you tomorrow or tonight, keep me accountable! Porn can get fucked!

 

[Blondie]

Porn can get fucked!

Roger that.

 

[nickd247]

Also no touching of the dick other than when going to the bathroom and when in the shower.

right on buddy! this is really the way to go. thinking we can masturbate and still recover at the same rate or even at all in some cases i think is a fallacy and a compromise that we as recovering addicts need to abandon.

 

[cookiemonster]

Good day today. Good gym session, productive day. Also hung out with a cute girl on campus!

Haven't felt in such a good mood in a long time, I swear it has so much to do with damaged dopamine receptors. I'm starting to feel like I might be healing and beating this thing.

These things come and go in waves so I'm sure there are plenty of lows to get through in this reboot but that's life.

Dear porn industry, go fuck yourself, it's you against me and the gloves are off, you're going against a man fighting for his freedom.

Let's not get too ahead of ourselves though. Business as usual, wind down for the evening, see what I achieved and what has to be transferred to tomorrow, and don't play with the dick in bed!

Seriously falling in love with going to the gym too. Such a great way to start the day, getting to the point where I actually look forward to it.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 38 clean.

Had pretty intense sexual dreams last night and think I was very close to having a wet dream. It was interesting, it's like the dreams were sexual but became increasingly like porn with multiple partners as I wanted to build to climax. Very much like porn behaviour where you want to stimulate yourself more to reach that high. I stopped myself before orgasm I think. I woke up with some precum in my pants.

Gym again this morning.

I'm tired. Mood is low as I'm writing this and I have two big uni assignments today.

I'll tackle today from a sense of peace, life is good, ready to ride the waves of mood like a stoic .

Fuck porn hahaha. It's not part of my life anymore and I plan to keep it that way.

The goal for today is no porn or porn-pathway activating activities. Just got to get through today and then have an early night.

LET'S FUCKING GO. Not today.

 

[Androg]

Good luck with your assignments.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 39 clean.

Nailed those assignments. Enjoyed hanging out with a girl yesterday, we might hang out again today. Gym session done this morning.

Fuck porn! Amazing how life gets good once you get rid of it.

The goal for today is a porn free day as usual. I don't want to engage with any pornographic content or p-subs in any way. I'm a horny little bugger and I know how the slightest slip up would totally fuck me over. The key at this stage is to not grow complacent. I've come very far and things are easier now, but I'm still only the tiniest indulgence from throwing it all away and then binging my way into addiction again! I'm not going to let that happen, life is getting too good and it's on the verge of getting even better. Porn doesn't bring me anything but melancholy and a lack of healthy sexual energy and confidence.

So, one day at a time, no porn and no touching of the dick except when peeing and in the shower. I'm committing to that right here, right now.

See you tomorrow or tonight to keep me accountable. The porn industry can get fucked, we're beating it!

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 40 clean!

Didn't hang out with that girl yesterday but we're hanging out today. This period of the reboot can pose some unique challenges. I remember in a previous reboot several weeks in I started hanging out with a girl and however brief it was, when it was going well I was feeling good and then when it didn't go so well it threw me off in the reboot. Especially with the added sexual energy and blue balls and the like .

So I have to keep that in mind now. It's great that I'm spending more time with girls again but I have to stay on track with the reboot at the same time. I don't want to get sucked into too many highs and lows, just keep steadily moving along. And if highs and lows do come then I'll be prepared for them, accept them and ride them out. That's what tends to happen with me, I feel really good and then I have a few low days, so I wouldn't be surprised if that comes but no problem.

Today I commit to not looking at porn or p-subs. Especially after the date. But today is a bit of a non-standard day given I actually have a date haha.

Fuck porn!

 

[cookiemonster]

Well date was not bad! It was an enjoyable experience and we get along but I'm not sure whether she's going to be a long-term girlfriend. As for rewiring stuff, she came over, we hung out and cuddled when watching TV but nothing really more, I got the impression she wasn't game for more.

When I went to the bathroom I had a lot of precum in my boxers and I'd being getting spontaneous erections on and off just from the cuddling. The pecker works, I'm pretty sure of it hahaha. And I guess all the precum is only natural because I've been doing hard mode for almost 6 weeks, there was a lot of it.

Today I had my first "slip-up" in the whole reboot thus far. I was scrolling YouTube shorts and when a triggering video came up I scrolled right past it as usual but then went back and watched it. It was a 10s clip and then I moved on with things immediately but it's the kind of thing I need to watch out for. My zero tolerance policy has been working magic and I'm going to keep it going. The reasons I think are understandable, today I had extra sexual tension thinking something might happen with this girl so I was a little riled up. Maybe this is TMI but I also think it came from breaking the "no touch dick" rule and getting semi-hard to trim the south pole which activates the horny brain a little.

So, I'm here to re-engage with the game plan. It's great to be spending time with girls, treating them as real humans and not just pixels on a screen, but I have to keep my eyes on success in this reboot. I've got blue balls at the moment and I suspect my "sexual brain" will be pretty active after today, so we'll be watching out for that.

Time to go to bed, not play with the dick when falling asleep or in the morning. Then try to not wake up too late and get into a productive day. It's really important I don't play with my dick tonight, I could so easily relapse to deal with blue balls after the date. No fucking way!

Fuck porn! I'm fucking winning!!!!!!!

 

[cookiemonster]

Coming here in my biggest moment of almost fucking up in the reboot.

I've wasted my entire morning playing around on my phone.

I'm going to go have a shower now and I swear I was 99% of the way towards "just play around with your dick", pure temptation. Playing around with my dick is really just masturbation and for me at this stage that would inevitably mean PMO.

Well guess what. Not fucking today. NOT FUCKING TODAY. I've fucked my morning but I haven't fucked my day and I haven't fucked my reboot.

I'M FUCKING BEATING THIS THING. Going to shower, not play with my dick and then come and post here immediately afterwards.

Huge urges after yesterday but we saw this coming.

Let's fucking go. Thank god I came here and didn't do anything I'd regret.

Fuck porn! And today fuck masturbation too.

See you in 10 minutes.

So happy to have pulled things back now.

 

[Blondie]

You got this @cookiemonster.

 

[cookiemonster]

Day 41 clean. Phew!!

Just finished my shower, feel good having freshened up and taken back control of the day.

It feels even better because the last time I relapsed was under similar conditions with temptation in the shower etc. We beat it this time.

So we're almost 6 weeks into a hard mode reboot. I cuddled with a girl. Writing that kind of makes me laugh but for someone who has been jerking themselves off into oblivion with no intimacy with a real woman in a long time, it's a great step in the right direction.

My sexual development was hijacked by the porn industry. I'm intellectually cultivated, well read, I have fantastic grades. I'm socially developed, capable of handling complex social situations and I share many values and views at the bedrock of western civilisation which means I've been successfully socialised and I'm capable of contributing to the wider group. My physical development has been pretty good too and I was an athlete for many years. But my sexual development? Well most of that was me alone in my room jerking off to pixels on a screen.

I'm course-correcting that. I'm figuring that out. Sometimes I feel a little bad because I don't know how much I'm actually into a girl or I'm just wanting to use her as a vehicle for sexual activity. I'm a good person and very respectful so there's no real issue that can arise with that but I'm trying to figure out exactly what I'm looking for.

Another comment I want to make is specifically about today. This morning was such a fuck up and I effectively wasted my whole day. But to be honest, I'm pretty happy that I course-corrected and am in control now. Everyone has their own struggles and the major things which derail me personally are porn, games on my phone and social media. Some days are better than others but the overall trend in my life is in the right direction. I can do better but I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far and I want to keep positive self-talk.

Sometimes winning on a day which you feel like you would normally lose feels better than a perfect day which was easy anyway.

Today is not like any average day in the reboot, urges are up high. So I have to keep positive self-talk, be kind to myself, and come back to this forum and post as many times as I need to stay on track. The golden strategy of not touching my dick except when going to the bathroom and not allowing any porn, p-subs or even sexual thoughts is something I need to nail today. I'm committing to this. Fuck it's hard.

Today is hard. I can do it.

Fuck porn.